


We Know How It Works (the world is no longer mysterious)

by Pistol



Series: Team Dynamics, Family, and Other Things That Will Hurt You [2]
Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 85,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22042573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pistol/pseuds/Pistol
Summary: Cougar keeps popping up next to Jensen after that. And much like Jensen’s sudden influx of facial hair, Jensen decides to keep him.Update: Thanks to shadowed_thoughts, I have uploaded a more updated version!
Relationships: Carlos "Cougar" Alvarez/Jake Jensen
Series: Team Dynamics, Family, and Other Things That Will Hurt You [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586602
Comments: 56
Kudos: 170





	1. The King of Subtlety, you are not.

**Author's Note:**

> This was Beta’d by Kate, DamaDuende, and Joe- but any mistakes within are mine and mine alone.

Jensen gets sat next to a sullen looking man on the bus to Camp Mackall. The soldier stares out the window the entire trip, only moving to occasionally bringing a hand up and rub absently at his high and tight like he isn't used to it. He ignores Jensen's many attempts at introductions which Jensen eventually takes as a sign to skip right into the conversation.

A one-sided conversation is still a conversation.

To the soldier's credit he lasts more than half the trip before he turns and slams his hand over Jensen's mouth as he hisses something in rapid-fire Spanish. When he removes his hand, he watches Jensen warily for a moment before turning back to the window.

Jensen immediately starts talking again. It's more of a nervous reflex at this point than anything else. When a small but powerful fist hits him in his gut before his first sentence is finished, he isn't surprised.

A few men in the seats around them murmur in approval and the man turns back to his window as Jensen tries to stop coughing. Jensen starts chuckles quietly to himself when he can breathe again, and the man glances over at him with a frown.

"It's okay, dude. No hard feelings," Jensen says with a smile. "Besides, you don't want to create a reputation based on not following through on threats. Not in a testosterone-soaked environment like this. I get it."

The man stares at him and looks like he's about to possibly hit him again when the bus stops and an incredibly red-faced instructor jumps on board, already screaming at them.

As soon as they're off the bus, thoughts of the man who sat next to Jensen are quickly forgotten.

\------

Jensen ends up seeing a lot more of the man on the bus then he expected to. It makes sense, there aren't a whole lot of them to begin with and their numbers keeps dropping with every day.

Meanwhile, the stress from the Q has effectively destroyed the flimsy brain to mouth filter Jensen normally relies on to keep him from telling everyone around him exactly what he's thinking.

He's really not trying to be an asshole.

\-----

Jensen knows he only has himself to blame when they're cleaning up their bunks and he opens his mouth to correct Hajjar when he's telling West about driving out to see his girl.

It's stupid and it's one of those things Jennifer has taught him to ignore. But he's stressed and beyond tired which apparently makes him at least as stupid as Hajjar's story.

"You couldn't have driven that far," Jensen hears himself say. And really, maybe he should just invest in some duct tape for his mouth.

Hajjar turns towards him, and despite knowing he should just shut up, Jensen keeps going. "You said you were in Santa Barbara when you started. If you drove as far as you claim you'd be in the ocean. So unless you had some sort of amphibious vehicle, which would be awesome, you're really overestimating your trip."

Hajjar quickly looks around to see where their instructor is before he leans toward Jensen with a scowl. "Why you gotta act like you're smarter than everyone else?"

"I don't act like I'm smarter than you, I am smarter than you." Jensen knows better, he really, really does, and maybe duct tape isn't enough. Maybe he needs to have his tongue surgically removed. 'Cause Jennifer has worked with him for ages on knowing when to be quiet and what kinds of truths people don't want to hear. Jensen watches with muted horror as Hajjar's face turns red.

If Hajjar hits him, Jensen will hit him back, and that'll get them both kicked from the Q. But, while Hajjar probably hates him, he doubts the man is willing to abandon his hard work here just to put Jensen in his place.

"You're not worth it, white boy." Hajjar snarls before turning back to angrily making his bunk. "There's a fucking reason no one wants to work with you."

Jensen debates trying to explain himself. He wants to be able to interact with them, hopefully without pissing them off, but he never gets it right. By the time he opens his mouth to say as much the instructor is coming toward their side of the room.

"Just shut up for once, will you?" Vega hisses at him from the other side of their bunks. "You're gonna get us all in trouble if you open your mouth again."

For once, Jensen finds the strength to close his mouth.

\------

The man from the bus, Alvarez, is one of the few people here who don't seem to take pleasure in ignoring or glaring at Jensen. This practically makes them family in Jensen's book.

Jensen is finding the Q is much more mentally draining than Basic ever was. There are times that Jensen worries that the thoughts of Beth and Jennifer won't be enough to get him through. A friendly face would help, but Jensen is willing to settle for indifferent one.

So he starts seeking Alvarez out. Not for conversation, or even an acknowledgement of Jensen's existence, but just to be near someone.

For the most part, Jensen keeps a careful distance from him, and as long as he's not too close, Alvarez has no complaints.

Jensen makes a point to keep an eye out for him, just in case Alvarez needs a friendly face or some help, but he quickly proves that he doesn't need anyone's help.

On obstacle runs Alvarez is usually the first to finish. The man runs fast, jumps high, and climbs like he was born to do it. When they haul Jeeps and telephone poles across the sand, Alvarez carries his weight with no complaints and can pick up the slack if he needs to. When Caplin tries to steal food from his plate, Alvarez remedies the situation with extreme prejudice and helps himself to Caplin's dessert before Jensen's even out of his seat.

Jensen is strangely pleased that Alvarez is doing so well. Every now and then Jensen'll get this swell of pride like he does when Beth does something amazing. He's smart enough to keep this to himself.

\-----

By the end of the first week Jensen isn't allowed to ever lead the cadence ever again. 

The others watch from formation as he spends an hour holding out two buckets of water while the instructors lose their shit.

\-----

Everyone seems genuinely surprised that Jensen is still there for the second week. They work with him with no problems, but he overhears the bets circulating on when he'll quit or fail out at night.

Jensen finds himself smiling when Alvarez ignores Hart as he tries to convince him to place a bet.

\------

When they reach the swim assessment, Alvarez shows signs of being human and just barely qualifies. It's close enough the instructor ends up having a quiet talk with Alvarez while the others tread water in the pool.

Jensen doesn't say anything as they all jog back to the showers, but offers a sympathetic smile when he catches his eye. Obviously it's not what he wanted, because Alvarez shoulder checks him into a rusted old jeep when the instructor breaks off from their group. Alvarez and the others pointedly ignore him when Jensen falls and his hand gets sliced open.

No one bothers to see if he's okay, and Jensen is struck by how much he misses his family in that moment. Jennifer, who would have run over and fussed over him, bandaged him up, and probably tried to strangle Alvarez. Beth, who would have dished out the hugs and kissed his hand to make it better.

Jensen ignores the feeling in the pit of his stomach and wraps the injured hand in his shirt and chastises himself for being stupid.

He's not here to make friends. He's here to make Beth and Jennifer proud, and he can do that alone.

He makes a point to keep to himself after that, carrying his picture of Beth and Jennifer with him as a reminder.

\------

During Robin Sage, Alvarez, now going by Cougar (for some reason that makes the other men high-five him), is assigned to Jensen's ODA.

It takes several moments for Jensen to recognize him when he falls in with them. Cougar's dropped weight, like the rest of them. He had less to lose in the first place though, and he looks almost sickly now. He's no longer clean shaven, he's wearing a beat up cowboy hat, and his hair has grown out into curly mess almost reaching his shoulders.

Unlike the others Cougar is clutching a Stoner Rifle - 25 instead of the M4A1 carbine everyone else in the group carries. The fucking gun looks heavier than he is and Jensen is mildly concerned that if it gets windy Cougar might get carried away. It's an odd thing for Jensen to worry about, and he realizes it and makes a point to stop thinking it.

When Cougar sees him watching him, he nods politely in greeting and they both do their best to avoid each other.

\------

For the first four days Jensen and Cougar have almost no contact outside of mission parameters.

It's nice.

\-----

On the fifth day, Cougar's left arm starts to tremble just a little, and by the 6th day Jensen catches him staring longingly at some wild strawberries while they're making camp for the night. Jensen rolls his eyes and throws Cougar the MRE that was going to be his dinner. Cougar catches it and stares at it like it's going to bite him.

The rest of their group goes quiet, watching unabashedly from around their small fire.

"It's food," Jensen mocks when Cougar starts to stares at him. "You put it in your mouth and chew." He mimes eating and Cougar raises an eyebrow. "Trust me, man, you could use some extra chow. You're looking less special forces and more heroin chic lately."

Cougar continues to stare at Jensen who stares back, unimpressed. There's no rusted Jeeps for Cougar to push him into and Cougar is looking like he couldn't push a kitten over at the moment.

"Dude, just eat it." Jensen looks pointedly at Cougar's arm which is trembling slightly.

Cougar follows his look and frowns, looking back up with a menacing air. Jensen rolls his eyes and continues to mime eating until Cougar looks away, shaking his head and ripping open the bag. The contents are gone in no time at all and Jensen excuses himself to take watch.

"What the fuck did I miss?" Jensen overhears Vega ask from a few paces away.

"Guy's a loon," Hajjar mutters.

Jensen tunes them out and focuses on the surrounding woods. He may be a loon, but he's the only one who noticed and did something so that a member of their unit wouldn't fucking collapse.

He thinks Jennifer would be proud.

\------

Cougar keeps popping up next to Jensen after that. And much like Jensen's sudden influx of facial hair, Jensen decides to keep him.

The others initially shoot Cougar questioning looks which get ignored. After several days everyone seems content that their team is still a finely tuned instrument of badassery and explain the change in dynamics in their own unique ways.

Jensen is honestly a bit concerned at the way some of their minds work.

\-----

It's strange, but Jensen finds a routine with Cougar. It's almost comforting.

If they're on the move, Jensen knows without looking that Cougar is at his four. If they're making camp, he knows Cougar will be bunking down next to him. If Jensen starts to ramble, Cougar will only hush him if it might endanger the mission or if Hajjar is starting to twitch. Which really, he should probably get that looked at by a doctor, 'cause it's getting bad.

And when Jensen has food in his hand, he knows Cougar is there looking at it longingly from under his hat.

He's not stupid. He knows the food is why Cougar keeps popping up, but he finds he doesn't mind. If anything, it's leverage, 'cause no one but him is offering to share their rations with Cougar.

\------

When his glasses go missing from the rock Jensen knows he left them on the night before, he has a very quiet, very frantic panic attack.

Okay, maybe he might have went a little too far last night when he told Hajjar how stupid his plan was. The pie chart was, in retrospect, a bit much.

He's in so much trouble, and oh my god, Jennifer is gonna kil-

There's a tap on his shoulder and a blurry hand holding out what Jensen hopes are his glasses.

He scrambles for them, shoving them on his face as he sighs in relief when as world clears. An amused Cougar stares at him, his judgmental eyebrows working overtime.

"Congratulations, you're king of the jerks. Maybe next time you could grease the floor when someone walks by on crutches," he grouses, making Cougar look smugger.

"Your vision cannot be that bad," Cougar says with a smirk. "And it was not me."

"Huh?" Jensen blinks.

"Found them." Cougar points towards the stream, and Jensen suddenly notices Cougar's pant legs are wet. Before he can ask, Cougar tips his hat and stands to leave. "Ten cuidado, eh?"

\-----

"You're more like a stray cat than a cougar, you know," Jensen mutters in between bitching about bugs and why would anyone decide to name something The People's Republic of Pineland.

Cougar tips his hat up, which Jensen is already learning is much more than a simple gesture. It's practically 30% of what Jensen privately calls The Language of Cougar. The rest is mostly grunts, whistles, carefully positioned eyebrows, shoulder movements, and an occasional tsk sound.

"You know, you feed a stray cat and it never goes away. You suddenly find yourself the owner of said cat." Cougar raises an eyebrow, but allows Jensen to continue. "Though usually cats are smart enough to cry for food instead of starving to death while silently looming in their ridiculous cowboy hats."

Cougar accidentally elbows Jensen in the ribs while he repositions his rifle.

"I should have just let you starve." Jensen's head shakes in mock disgust and he doesn't miss the way one side of Cougar's mouth lifts up, ever so slightly.

\------

That night, when Jensen opens his dinner, Cougar plops down next to him on the overturned log and calmly stares at him.

"The King of Subtlety, you are not."

"Meow,"Cougar says with a shrug and a straight face before reaching a hand out to steal Jensen's M&Ms and protein bar. There's a disturbing moment where Jensen suddenly wonders if he is the owner of a stray cat or if he's just the mouse the cat has hobbled and plans to amuse himself with.

Jensen's not sure why, but he laughs. He laughs hard enough that Cougar stops eating out of concern and Andrews threatens to find live ammo to shoot him with.

\------

For the most part, the others grow accustomed to the strange new dynamic between Cougar and Jensen.

"We all appreciate you keeping him off our backs, you know," Hajjar tells Cougar over their small fire. "So if something were to happen, it'd go down as an accident in my report."

Cougar says nothing, which is pretty normal for him, and Hajjar wanders off to relieve himself.

Jensen just curls deeper into his sleeping bag and keeps feigning sleep.

Only a few more days and this will all be over.

\------

When it's finally over Jensen is in possession of his very own Green Beret and feeling almost drunk from lack of sleep and all the pride in Jennifer's eyes. Cougar manages to appear like a weirdly polite phantom at his side in the middle of Beth tying on his new tacky, but hard earned hat. Jennifer and Beth both smile politely and Cougar nods back, his posture strangely tense.

"What do you want?" Jensen sighs dramatically. "I don't have any food right now, kitty, you'll have to fend for yourself tonight. It's a buffet, not a good one, but I doubt you'll starve."

Cougar grunts and rolls his eyes before nodding over to a tiny older woman sitting at a table and watching them.

"Mi Madre." Jensen raises a hand and waves, which causes the woman to smile and wave back. "She invites you and your family to a home cooked meal." Cougar glances at Jensen's family out of the corner of his eye before focusing on Jensen again.

Jensen is about to question him, but an elbow is ground into his stomach while Jennifer smiles sweetly at Cougar.

"We'd be honored to join you. Right, Jake?"

Jensen nods. "What the crazy lady wants, the crazy lady gets," he wheezes, and for a second Jensen thinks he almost sees strain in Cougar's face. It's gone quickly enough that Jensen ignores it.

\------

Cougar's mother has rented a small house nearby for his graduation. While only Cougar's mother showed up to the ceremony, there are easily two dozen people crammed into the first floor of the house waiting to welcome him back.

Oddly enough, none of the others from their graduating class are here, just Jensen and his family. Jensen puts Beth on his shoulders while he and Jennifer are dragged around by Cougar's mother and introduced to all six of Cougar's sisters, their husbands, and their children. Jensen stops paying attention when the cousins are introduced, exchanging a quiet look with Jennifer.

"I'm never complaining about throwing together family meals ever again," Jennifer whispers in his ear.

\------

For the most part, everyone speaks mostly Spanish, and Jennifer and Jensen nod along following very little and generally feeling a tad overwhelmed. Thankfully, Cougar is almost always at their side, translating quietly and acting like it's no big deal.

Eventually, a woman (Luz, Jensen's mind supplies, second oldest sister), climbs on a chair and starts banging a wooden spoon on a pot.

"Es hora de comer." She calls once the room quiets and a few people cheer while migrating towards the patio.

"Time to eat?" Jensen guesses at Cougar's mother, who smiles up at him and nods.

"Carlitos says your Spanish is very bad," she says, not unkindly. "I try to remind them to speak in more English, but," she makes a pained expression and waves her hand in the air. "Come, eat." She pats his hand and wanders off into the throng of people.

Beth tugs at his hair and he leans his head back and to the side to try and see her. "You need to watch more Dora with me, Uncle Jake," she says solemnly from his shoulders.

\------

Beth is happily shuffled off to the kids table by Luz, where Jensen is rather surprised to see her practicing her Spanish with one of Cougar's nieces.

"She is much better than you," Cougar says with a grin as they peer into the room.

Jensen rolls his eyes. "You act like I haven't heard your Dari, Cougs. And I'm pretty sure there are actual laws in place to keep you from speaking Russian on Russian soil. You have no room to talk."

Cougar snorts, and pats his arm. "She will be fine." His expression is almost gentle for a moment before he smiles widely. "Vamonos," he says, leading Jensen to the patio.

Jennifer's blonde hair stands out easily against the crowd waiting in line for food. She's chatting happily with a small group of women, all clutching plates to their chests and laughing at something one of them says. Jensen smiles when she notices him and she winks before returning to her conversation.

One of Cougar's sisters comes up and hands them plates and silverware after they join the line. "Your wife is very lovely." Cougar shoots a quick glare at the woman, which doesn't help Jensen's confusion.

"My wife?"

The woman raises her eyebrow in a way that tells Jensen exactly where Cougar got that from, and points to Jennifer.

"Jennifer?" Jensen grimaces. "She's my sister."

Cougar and his sister exchange a look, the meaning of which is lost on Jensen, the Cougar mutters something in Spanish. The woman huffs and rolls her eyes before turning to Jensen.

"My apologies. Carlitos was obviously mistaken." Jensen smiles and nods and tries not to throw up in his mouth. Jennifer? Ew.

"It's all good," he assures her before giving Cougar his best what the fuck face. "You do know she's like 400 years old." Cougar looks strangely tongue-tied, even for a quiet man, and shrugs.

"Your picture." Cougar shrugs again and avoids his eyes. "I assumed wife and daughter."

"Dude. You're being all shifty and I'm concerned you're thinking of hitting on my sister." Jensen's eyes narrow. "I would advise against this." He raises a plastic fork and does his best to convey where he'd stick it if Cougar even thought about it.

Cougar chokes out a short laugh and nods. "Sí, sí, lo prometo.."

\------

After the meal, chairs and patio furniture are dragged in a rough circle and Cougar and Jensen do their best to answer the questions thrown at them. Beth crawls onto Jensen's lap, content to sit and cling sleepily to his dress shirt.

"Dime la verdad," one of Cougars sisters calls with a laugh. "Did Carlitos cry every night?"

Cougar frowns good-naturedly and crosses his arms.

Jensen grins. "He kinda did."

Cougar turns a confused look on Jensen who shrugs.

"Dude, you cried for food all the time." Jensen turns back to the sister, with a smile. "You guys probably already know this, but his metabolism is out of control, there were guys twice his size eating the same amount with no problem. But Cougar didn't handle it so well." Cougar's boot connects with Jensen's ankle. Jensen ignores it because he's generous like that. "I gave him my dinner one night. I swear he developed some freaky food radar after that. He'd just magically pop up anytime I was about to eat, looking all skinny and sad 'till I fed him."

There's laughter and Cougar's mother smiles fondly at Jensen and leans over to pat his hand.

"Thank you for watching out for my boy."

Jensen waves it off with a shrug and a smile.

One of Cougar's sister smiles, "Cougar?"

Cougar groans and tugs his hat over his eyes. "Lo odio."

"Shush," Cougar's mother chides.

"Yeah. It's kinda his nickname." Jensen rubs his neck and shrugs. "You'll have to ask him why though, I wasn't there for it. It fits him though, he's prissy when he gets dirty and he hates the water." Warm laughter and another kick to his ankle follow this. "Don't be like that, Cougs."

"No me hables."

"What was the hardest part?" A man asks in a thick accent.

Cougar wrinkles his nose. "Food," he says, which earns a spattering of chuckles.

Jensen gives a vague shrug when the attention turns to him. "For me it was mostly the heat. I was ready to die the moment we stepped outside." He mimes fanning himself and Beth's tiny arm snaps out and grabs his hand, pulling it down to examine it, drawing Jensen's attention like a laser.

"What's up, kiddo?" he murmurs into her hair. Beth frowns and looks up at him.

"You didn't have this before," Beth says, pointing to a long, thin scar running down his palm. In the background, people keep chatting and laughing while Jensen glances over to Jennifer then Cougar.

Jennifer has her mom-face on and Cougar is sitting very stiffly and not meeting his eyes. "It's nothing," Jensen assures Beth loudly enough Jennifer can hear it too. "I don't even remember getting it."

Beth studies his face before nodding and Jensen does his best to smile.

"You should be more careful. It looks like it hurt."

Jensen smiles and nods. "I'll do my best." Jensen can feel his sister's eyes on him the same way he feels Cougar's eyes avoiding him.

\------

Jensen is doing the rounds, thanking everyone for a lovely time at Jennifer's request, when Cougar corners him in the kitchen.

"Hey, Cougs, I was just ab-"

Cougar grabs his hand, twisting it so he can see his palm. He hesitantly touches the scar before frowning up at Jensen.

"Lo siento."

Jensen gives him a weak smile back. "It's fine."

"No," Cougar insists.

"You had a bad day. You almost failed out." Jensen forces his posture to be loose and relaxed and his voice light. "Anyone would have been upset."

"I was cruel."

Jensen meets his eyes, the stress from the busy party, the confusion of actually being at the party, the constant attention, and the week before building and making his mood dissolve into irritation.

"You were," Jensen acknowledges with a clenched jaw. "And, you know, it really sucked, 'cause at the time you were the only one who hadn't done that."

Cougar looks away, still grasping Jensen's palm.

"I get it, you know. I'm not easy to be around, and I rub people the wrong way." Cougar looks like he's about to say something, but Jensen ignores him and keeps talking. "You probably don't know this, but I don't like gerbils. The little fuckers and their beady eyes creep me the hell out." Jensen drops his voice and jerks his hand away, "But I somehow manage to dislike them without wanting to harm them."

"Sí. You are a good person." Cougar swallows. "I am not. Lo siento."

"You said that already."

"What should I say?"

"I'm not really sure, Cougs," Jensen admits. They stand there, maybe closer than they should, Jensen thinks, until Cougar reaches for his hand again.

He turns it over and stares at the thin white scar. Jensen's throat feels strangely dry.

"You're not always that guy, you know? You can be a pretty okay person when you want to. You should be that person more often."

Cougar nods, tracing the scar lightly with his thumbnail. "I am trying."

"Good." Jensen stares at the nail moving up and down, and speaks without thinking. "Why did you invite me here? Why not the other guys?"

Cougar looks up, face settling into a lopsided grin. Jensen meets his gaze, and feels goosebumps rise on his arms at the continuing scrape of Cougar's nail on his palm.

"Why did you give me your food?"

"You were hungry," Jensen says, as if it was obvious. "We couldn't afford to have you crap out on us."

Cougar lips curl up, and he nods absently as he continues examining the scar.

"If I were hungry, and we were not on mission," Cougar looks up and meets his eyes, something dark and unreadable in them making Jensen want to shiver, "Would you give your food to me, even if it meant you'd go hungry?"

"This sounds like English, so why is what you're saying not making any sense?" Jensen wonders aloud. For all Jensen's knowledge and skill, he's never mastered reading between the lines at times like this.

Cougar raises one shoulder in a weak shrug and releases Jensen's hand. "I think that if you saw someone in need, you would place that need above your own." Cougar gives him a small smile. "No matter the person."

"Again, I'm left wondering if my Babel Fish may have died."

"You are a good person." Cougar smiles before dropping his hand. "Perhaps, you inspire me to be one?"

\------

On the way to the hotel, Jensen almost crawls out of his skin between the phantom itch on his palm and the weird looks his sister keeps sending him.

"Just spit it out!" he finally snaps.

She smiles triumphantly and quickly turns to check on Beth, still passed out in the back seat before asking quietly, "So what really happened to your hand?"

"Training accident."

"You are a lying liar who lies."

"Prove it."

"Cougar was involved somehow."

Jensen goes still.

"It was probably embarrassing. He got all twitchy when Beth asked."

"Clearly you're reading too much into things. He probably was suffering from terrible, terrible gas from all the refried beans he ate."

Jennifer glares at him.

"Dude, he ate like three bowls' worth and you know it!"

"You are aware I know when you're trying to distract me, right?"

"You are aware you're a nosey tart, right?"

Jennifer cuffs him lightly upside his head and laughs quietly.

"So."

"So?"

"So, you guys," she says, glancing over hopefully, "are friends, huh?"

Jensen frowns. "No..."

"You looked like you were friends." Jennifer's voice is gentle in a way that makes his chest hurt. "And he invited us to his family's party, didn't he?"

"You need to stop watching the Lifetime channel." He leans back and looks out the window. "He probably felt like he owed me."

"Owed you? For what?"

"He's like that cat that used to hang around our old place. The grey one?" Jennifer frowns, but motions for him to continue. "I fed him, and he kept showing up wanting more food." Jensen licks his lips and purposely avoids looking near his sister. "And Cougar may have been a dick beforehand, just like that cat."

The silence in the car makes the creak of the leather steering wheel easy to hear when Jennifer's knuckles tighten.

"Your hand." She stares straight ahead, face neutral. "He did that?"

"Yup."

Her posture slumps. "Has he-"

"No."

"If he eve-"

"I know."

"Is he sorry?"

Jensen rubs his eyes. "I think so." He frowns. "I'm not even gonna attempt to translate the Spanish stuff, but even when it's in English, sometimes I have no idea what he's talking about."

"Like what?"

"Okay, earlier tonight, right? He got all cryptic and was asking about food and was being sad. And then he started getting really abstruse about the scar."

"What did he say?"

"Which part?"

"Start with the cryptic part. And don't skip anything."

"Word for word?"

Jennifer nods and Jensen leans back and lets his eyes close while he parrots their conversation back to her, word for word. When he's finished, they ride in silence for a time.

"I know I asked, but I always forget how freaky it is that you can do that." Her hand reaches over and grabs his. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Buy me a new laptop?"

She smiles and squeezes his hand before moving hers back to the wheel. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right, Jake? I meanÖ" She runs a hand through her hair and sighs. "You know you can talk to me. No matter what you need to say, it'll be okay. Cause I love you." She gives him a brief smile before turning her eyes back to the road. "And because of that, I won't let anything bad happen."

He turns and blinks at her solemnly.

"Even if I feed you after midnight?"

Jennifer glares at him quickly before returning her gaze to the road.

"I'm serious, Jake."

"I know. But I am, too. The old man warned me about that." Jennifer looks torn between laughing and crying so he takes pity. "I know you're always there. You're just like herpes."

Jennifer clears her throat and he catches a brief twitch of mischief in the window's reflection of her. "You know, I think there is something we should discuss," she says dryly. "It's long past due."

Jensen narrows his eyes.

"Did I ever give you the S-E-X talk, Jake? The really long, detailed one? Cause I feel like giving it to you now."

"What did I do to deserve this?"

"You compared your amazing sister, who drove 300 miles to see you graduate, to an STD. Clearly, you have no idea what an STD is."

"You realize I'm a badass Green Beret now?" he sputters. "You can't do this. Cause it'd make me mentally unstable, and I'd end up doing some shady shit on my computer to try and distract myself, and World War III would be all your fault."

Jennifer snorts. "I raised you, you little shit. I can talk to you however I want." She quickly checks the rearview mirror, verifying Beth is still asleep. "So, as your big sister, I'm gonna talk about how people practice making babies when they love each other very much. Or, you know, how strangers practice when another stranger looks really good in their tight jeans. And you, the big bad Green Beret you are, are going to sit there and hate your life." She smiles at Jensen and he's sure anyone who didn't know her would be fooled by her sweet smile. "Remember, I do this because I love you."

"I will jump out this car, Jennifer."

She shrugs. "I'll tell Beth you jumped out on purpose, knowing you could get hurt. I'll even let her visit you in the hospital."

Jensen narrows his eyes and glares. "I hate you."

"Do so quietly."


	2. Don't mind me, I'll just be thinking of England.

Jennifer absolutely hates his apartment. She spends the whole week after graduation trying to convince him to move and refusing to let Beth visit.

Jensen figures the best way to stop her is to distract her, so he drives her and out to see a tiny blue house about an hour from base.

She wavers between beaming and glaring at him when he hands her the deed. After a while it starts to look like she wants to glare him again, so he employs his emergency maneuver.

"All the money used was earned legally and there are great schools nearby," he promises her, but she doesn't seem swayed, so it's time for the big guns. "And there's a swing set out back."

Beth cheers so loudly they both wince. Jennifer is starting to look more amused and less angry.

"I still want you to move."

\-----

They end up compromising. Jennifer accepts the house and Jake accepts the Baikal and promises to never allow Beth near his apartment.

\-----

Cougar and he have both finished the Q and now have easy access to food on and off base, so Jensen is confused when three weeks later he still has a Cougar-shaped shadow popping up whenever he's on base.

"You are getting paid, I assume? I mean, you can afford your own food, right?"

Cougar tilts his head and looks innocently at Jensen.

"That whole thing," Jensen circles a finger in the direction of Cougar's face, "would be more convincing if a) I didn't know you and b) you hadn't stolen that candy bar out of my hand right when I was about to eat it."

Cougar nods solemnly and extends the half eaten candy towards Jensen.

Jensen waves it off and produces a second bar from his pocket. "It's cool. I came prepared for strays."

"Good." Cougar nods approvingly. He takes another bite of his chocolate bar. "I do not share well."

When Cougar looks back up at Jensen, there's a sly smile on his face and a gleam in his eye that makes Jensen's pulse jump and his brain think it's a good idea to babble facts about the Mon Calamari culture. He's been babbling for several minutes when his ears catch up with his mouth.

"...are probably the most unfairly judged race in the Star Wars universe." There's something vaguely disturbing about hearing yourself talk and not following your own train of thought. "They don't deserve half the shit they get! It's like everyone just sees these fishy lookin' dudes and forgets that these fuckers literally kicked the invading armies of the Empire off their world with only silverware, power tools, and their bare hands."

Cougar nods along like he gives two shits about the fictional race. "Perhaps it is for the best?" Cougar says firmly. "The wise will revere them. The others will pay for..." Cougar waves his hand in the air and purses his lips. "Haberlos subestimado. Perhaps some fortunate tontos will see the errors of their ways, and make penance."

Jensen just gives him a look and shoves the rest of his chocolate bar in his mouth. "You're doing that thing again."

Cougar hums a curious sound.

"The thing," Jensen says. "The thing where you say things, but you're saying other things. Oh, don't give me that look, you know what I mean, I can see it in your beady little eyes, man. So don't deny it." Jensen sighs and fusses with the candy wrapper in his hand before tossing it at Cougar half-heartedly. "Sometimes I think I have a better chance of understanding you when you just don't talk."

Cougar mouth twists up briefly, and if there's a flash of sorrow, it's gone before Jensen sees it.

\------

Cougar is drinking the hot chocolate Jensen bought specifically so Jensen could drink it when he stops and points towards a bald man walking in front of the chow hall.

"Pooch," is all Cougar says.

"Is this some type of cats vs. dogs thing?" Jensen asks in confusion. "Are your people still at war? You worried he'll chase you up a tree?"

Cougar snorts. "He is on my team."

"Ah," Jensen nods, "see, things like that would have made your earlier statement so less random."

"He's a good man," Cougar says, ignoring Jensen's comment. "I like my team." Cougar glances over towards Jensen, "Yours?"

Jensen shrugs and grabs his cup back from Cougar only to find it's already empty.

"You fucker!" Jensen groans. "I bought one for you and one for me, and you go and drink both. You know, I hope he does chase you up a tree."

\------

Jensen just barely hears the sounds of someone approaching from behind in time to palm his boot knife. Sitting on the curb at night was obviously not one of his better ideas.

"Just keep moving, pal, I can't deal with this tonight."

Whoever it is goes still, but Jensen can hear them. He lifts his head and squints into the darkness behind him.

"Seriously, move on. I got no cash on me."

There's silence for a moment, then a rustle of fabric and a gravely but amused voice goes, Meow, making Jensen's grip on his knife loosen fractionally.

Jensen sits up straighter and squints. "Cougar? That you?"

There's a huff and a tan and green blur approaches.

"Cougs?" The blurry person moves closer and Jensen tightens his grip on his knife. The blur stops.

"Sí. Can you not see?" His voice is playful and Jensen finds the tension leave his body.

He motions to his eyes. "Glasses got busted." He tucks his knife back into his boot and the blur moves closer, becoming more and more Cougar-shaped.

"Spares?" Cougar squats down next to Jensen, close enough Jensen can see the details of the frown on his face.

"Busted as well." Jensen forces a happy go lucky smile. The frown deepens on Cougar's face.

"¿Cómo?"

"Not important."

"Sí, es importante."

Jensen waves him off. "I'm fine."

Cougar purses his lips and scowls.

"I swear!"

"How many cars?" Cougar nods his head towards the parking lot.

"42?"

"17."

"I was close."

Cougar shakes his head and tilts up his hat, looking at Jensen speculatively.

"My vision was tested when I joined."

"Mine too. I passed," Jensen insists. He can't see it, but he knows Cougar's left eyebrow just got friendly with his hairline. "Well, I did. After I deleted my old tests and memorized the chart." Jensen picks at the seam of his pants. "Made sure I'm good enough to pass, but just bad enough I'm allowed glasses." He leans into Cougar's space and presses his finger to his lips with a weak smile. "Don't tell, okay?"

"Por supuesto." Cougar shifts slightly, and his elbow brushes Jensen's arm. "How are you getting home?"

"Called Jennifer." Jensen groans and tucks his face back in his hands. "She's gonna chew my ass out when she gets here."

Cougar makes a happy sound and Jensen can't be blamed if he accidentally pushes Cougar over. He's practically blind, after all.

Cougar grunts, and moves back into his unnaturally bendy crouch. "Cabrón."

A comfortable silence stretches between them and Jensen is almost hesitant to break it. But he's Jensen, so he shatters it anyway.

"You don't have to stay, you know."

"I know."

"So...?" Jensen doesn't have a chance to ask anything else as a white car rolls up and its window rolls down.

"Jake, you idiot," his sister calls exasperatedly. "Thank goodness Cougar was here with you, I was worried you'd get lured into some stranger's car with promises of kittens and an X-box."

"Good to see you too, Jennifer," Jensen sighs, standing up and dusting off while Cougar nods in greeting to his sister.

"You got plans, Cougar?" Jennifer asks.

"No, ma'am."

"So polite," she praises with a pointed look that is lost on Jensen. "Now. Get your skinny ass in the car. You too, Jake." Cougar pauses and looks at Jensen who just shrugs.

"She's unbalanced, but she's also old enough I can hold her off if you wanna make a break for it."

"Jake, stop spreading lies. Cougar, car," Jennifer says in exasperation.

Cougar obediently climbs in the back seat after helping Jensen settle in the front.

"Dude, I tried to save you from her crazy." Jensen earns a slap to his head and Cougar snickers from the back. Jensen narrows his eyes on the Cougar blur. "Traitor."

"If you two are good, I'll take you out to eat after we find some new glasses."

\------

"Jake, you look ridiculous."

"I look amazing." Jensen smiles cheekily while admiring the thin round glasses in the mirror. Jennifer just crosses her arms and glowers at his back.

"Cougar, back me up here," Jennifer pleads. Cougar just cants his head at Jensen before shrugging. Jennifer wrinkles her nose and sighs. "His vote doesn't count. Obviously, he's mentally defective, he is your friend." She moves to take his glasses away, but Jensen swats her away.

"He's not my friend. We just hang out at work."

Jennifer smacks him soundly on the side of his head.

"Ow! Violence is never the answer, Jennifer!"

"We are friends." Cougar corrects Jensen with a smirk, making Jennifer cross her arms and gloat.

"See? Now apologize."

Jensen just blinks. "We're friends?" Cougar rolls his eyes. "Okay. Cool."

Cougar smiles softly at him, like he isn't looking at someone noticeably having a quiet freak out in front of the men's casual frames display case.

"Idiota."

Jensen flounders for a suitable reply but Jennifer's eyes meet his and make him draw a blank.

"Told you, Jake," she whispers when Cougar turns back to the wall of frames.

\-----

When Jensen walks out of the store, he has two new pairs of glasses that he'll be able to pick up in the morning and a friend.

He smiles all the way through dinner and long after Jennifer drops Cougar off at his busted up old truck.

\------

"I told you," Jennifer says as they sit in her car outside of his apartment.

"Words I never thought you'd say, what with you being so modest, and all," Jensen mutters. "I thought he was just in it for the free food."

Jennifer chuckles softly and pats his hand.

"You okay?"

He shrugs.

"Kinda weirded out." He chews on his lip for a moment. "And worried. He's not gonna win any points by hanging out with me."

"He's already been hanging out with you, Jake. Most people probably know he's your friend," she says gently. "So that's obviously not something to worry about." She holds his eyes with a stern look. "People who care about you would never let such a thing stop them from being your friend. So let him be your friend."

"Right."

"I'm proud of you, Jake."

He gives her a blank look.

"Seriously. This is kind of a big step for you." She frowns, cupping his chin gently in her tiny hand before smiling and shaking him. "Now get out of here before someone tries to steal my car with us still in it."

\------

The next day, Cougar is waiting for him outside the Tech Cave.

Jensen just smiles and adjusts his pace so Cougar can fall in beside him easily as he makes his way to the parking lot.

"Check out my sweet glasses!"

Cougar shakes his head in a way Jensen chooses to interpret as jealousy.

"Jennifer threw a fit when we picked them up this morning. She wasn't pleased I got them tinted green." He pats the smaller man on the shoulder. "Thanks for the distraction, by the way, I'm sure once Jennifer calms down she'll remove the standing kill order on you,"

"Won't you get in trouble wearing them?" Cougar gestures to the glasses, obviously NSI. Jensen pointedly looks at Cougar's hat and the hair that's starting to reach just below his shoulders.

"Are you kidding me? I spend most of my time off mission stuck behind a desk, my CO is happiest when he's far, far away from me."

\------

"Your phone number is a fucking land line," Jensen hisses as he throws his tray down next to Cougar in the chow hall. He continues his rant, oblivious to the people staring at him or the looks Cougar shoots their way until they lose interest.

"What the actual fuck, dude, I looked around, you don't have a cell phone." Jensen gesticulates incredulously as if to convey the discontent he feels about this fact. Cougar just smirks and starts to eat until something sinks in.

Cougar pauses, fork halfway to his mouth, and raises an eyebrow. "Looked?"

"Checked for you with all the carriers in the area and even combed through your financials to see if you were paying under another name. All I could find was that you have an addiction to vinyl records, books, and chocolate. I thought I already knew about the chocolate, but I'm worried now that you might have an actual problem." Jensen shrugs and transfers his biscuit and an extra large brownie onto Cougars tray.

Cougar isn't terribly shocked to find he finds this gross invasion of privacy endearing.

Cougar nudges him.

"Oh, yeah. Back on point, I wanted to text you. I didn't have your number," Jensen offers as an explanation.

Cougar's fork wavers before he makes his mind up and places it on his tray, turning his full attention to the man next to him.

"What would you recommend?"

Jensen quirks an eyebrow in confusion.

"Cell phone," Cougar elaborates.

"You..." Jensen gets a distressed look and starts punctuating his words with a jab of a plastic fork near Cougar's face. "Cannot be trusted to pick out your own phone, much less the carrier. I'm pretty sure you shouldn't even be allowed to work a microwave." He waves his fork in the air and gets a determined look on his face. "No. No, I'll have to go with you, 'cause you'd walk out there with the worst phone in the fucking store." He sighs disappointedly, as if Cougar's perceived failure physically pains him. "Probably one made in 2001."

Cougar rolls his eyes and steals Jensen's juice box which doesn't even cause him to blink. "After work. My truck?"

"Fo sho." Jensen frowns down at his tray as if only just noticing it's considerably lighter than when he sat down. He glances over at Cougar's and gives him one of his blinding smiles. "You are one high maintenance kitty, you know that, Cougs?"

Cougar just smiles and ignores his chest tightening while he takes a sip out of Jensen's juice carton.

\------

It takes half a day with the cell phone to convince Cougar it is probably the best purchase he has made in a long time.

BORED, Jensen complains just before lunch.

Cougar's team takes way too much pleasure in watching him try to type out his reply.

"Welcome to the 21st century, Cougar. I think you'll like it here." Clay mocks.

Cougar snorts. He's seen that man come crawling to Pooch to help him check his e-mail. Clay has no room to talk.

"Seriously, man, you're like the only person I know who didn't have one. The Pooch's 11-year-old niece has one."

Roque stays quiet and just nods, smirking like the bastard he is.

\------

By noon there are almost a dozen random texts filling his inbox and he's finding himself looking forward to reading them every time a new one makes the phone buzz.

Even if most of the texts make little to no sense.

Pooch is the first one to look pointedly at Cougar, his unspoken question obvious as the small grey phone buzzes for the fifth time in as many minutes. Cougar ignores the look and flips open the phone.

DOWNLOADED HELL UP IN HARLEM ON GOVT COMP, GOTTA LOVE THAT UNCLE SAM IS PAYING ME TO DO THIS.

The phone buzzes just as Cougar is about to reply and a second message pops up.

TOMMY GIBBS IS A BAMF! \o/

Cougar isn't sure what a bamf is, but he adds it to his list of words to look up later.

idiota.

WHATEVS COUGS, DON'T BE JEALOUS CAUSE I'M HAVING FUN AT WORK AND YOU AREN'T, comes mere seconds after he sends his own text.

With a click of his tongue and a shake of his head, Cougar closes the phone and resumes testing the springs of his magazines.

Pooch clears his throat. "You seem to be a popular guy today. This have anything to do with you getting the phone?" Pooch tries for casual interest, but it falls short.

Cougar hums an affirmative, focusing on the tension of the springs before pulling over a box of ammo and loading the magazine.

"I'm more interested in who keeps texting him." Roque grins, teeth flashing in a way Cougar has learned to stop seeing as a threat. "Must be some piece of ass if he's willing to put up with this to get a second helping."

Cougar hears himself growl before he even realizes he's doing it. Pooch shoves Roque, giving him a poisonous look.

"We've had this talk before, man. If it ain't something you could survive saying about Jolene, it ain't something you should say about anybody's lady."

Roque looks distinctly unimpressed, but raises his hands in surrender.

"Not mine." Cougar grits his teeth and debates his next action. His hands falter for a second while pushing a round in and he takes a deep breath, pushing his hat up and meeting both their gazes in a calm challenge. He knows it's insane, but clearly he's spent too much time in the company of the mentally ill. "Not a lady."

Roque looks him over once before grunting and going back to his knife while Pooch seems vaguely shell shocked.

"But..." Pooch narrows his eyes in confusion. "I've seen you with ladies. Lots of ladies." Cougar shrugs, setting the full magazine on the table between them. Pooch just makes a surprised murmur and shrugs. "So, not a lady, and not yours."

"Sí."

"Do you want…?" Pooch gestures obscurely.

Cougar clenches his jaw. "It is not likely to happen," he admits, dismissing the tight ball in his chest.

"Ah." Pooch nods before staring at the wall then back to Cougar. "That sucks, man."

Cougar feels some of the tension drain from his body.

"Eh."

Roque groans before digging a pack of cards out of his pocket, throwing it on the table. "If you two could tuck your vaginas back in, I'd really appreciate it. Let's get at least one card game in before Clay's sorry ass gets back and makes us pretend to be working."

Pooch picks the pack up, shuffling deftly before dealing.

When Cougar picks up his hand, he feels himself release a breath he didn't realize he was holding. The conversation appears to be over and it seems to have gone as well as he could hope for. Not as bad as he expected. Definitely terrifying, but less so than when he told Maria. Much less terrifying than when Luz walked in on him and Antonio.

Cougar is tempted to smile in victory, but holds it in. He can celebrate later. Perhaps even tell Jensen at some point.

"No one here, Clay included, cares if you like dick now and then," Pooch says casually while arranging his hand to his liking. "DADT is gone, but there's still shitheads, so be careful who finds out."

"And if someone finds out and gets stupid," Roque shrugs while throwing down two cards, "you're a Loser, so we got your back."

On the table, his phone buzzes again and Cougar is grateful for the distraction.

\------

Cougar has been pleasantly surprised to find Jensen randomly seeking him out on base ever since their shopping trip.

Jensen has yet to approach him while he is in the company of others, and even when he isn't, Jensen tends to lurk until Cougar motions him over.

Which is why Cougar, when a body plops down in the space next to where he is lying at the range, almost drives his elbow into Jensen's face.

Jensen seems to find this hilarious, but Cougar just sees red. Quickly clearing his gun, he rips his hat off his head, beats it against Jensen's still laughing face.

"¡Cabrón!" He grabs one of Jensen's arms and shakes the man twice to get his attention. "This bay is hot!" he hisses.

Jensen sobers slightly at this, his face becoming mildly repentant as he rolls back onto his stomach.

"I'm behind the muzzle line," Jensen points out as Cougar returns his hat to his head.

Cougar glares. "You startle the wrong man, you lose your life," Cougar growls while Jensen bites his lip and stares down range.

"Yeah." Scratching his head, Jensen frowns. "Sorry 'bout that, Cougs."

His face is actually remorseful this time, Cougar notes. Jensen scooches over and bumps Cougar's shoulder with his own. "Won't happen again. Promise." He looks hopefully at Cougar who just rolls his eyes to the heavens. "So, we cool?"

"This never happens again, yes?"

"Promise."

Cougar grunts and nods. "You have ears?"

Jensen thankfully bites off whatever smartass comment he was about to say and digs in his pocket, holding up ear plugs before putting them in.

Cougar nods. "Going hot."

"Going hot," Jensen parrots as Cougar gets into position and adjusts his bipod, lining up his sights. Jensen's body is pressed against Cougar's thigh and Cougar sends grateful thanks that Jensen won't notice if it takes him twice as long to control his breathing.

The wind sock is still drifting gently to the northeast and Cougar has no problem pulling off seven clean shots before noticing the body next to his is tense. He locks the bolt back and glances over to Jensen, lying on his stomach and staring down range.

"Okay?" Cougar asks him, nudging him with his elbow gently. Jensen nods, eyes still down range.

"Why'd you want to be a sniper, Cougs?"

Cougar frowns, resting his chin on the hand wrapped around the butt of his rifle. "I didn't. Sólo sucedió." Jensen makes one of his curious noises and Cougar finds himself translating for the man without thought. "It just happened."

Jensen hums again.

"You wanted to be a tech?"

Jensen's face falls and Cougar regrets his question. "Abracadabra, like you said."

"Acaba de suceder." Cougar corrects while tapping his fingers on his rifle.

"Does it hurt?"

Cougar gives him a puzzled look. "Recoil?"

"No."

"Ah." Cougar looks down at his rifle, using his hand to brush off some dirt clinging to the side. "I will tell you." Cougar decides. "If you hit three targets in five shots."

Jensen frowns, but Cougar can easily see the tiny burst of excitement in Jensen's eyes at the challenge. Jensen pushes himself up, eager to go check out a rifle, but Cougar stops him with a hand.

"Use this."

"Your rifle?" Jensen says hesitantly, "You sure?"

Cougar scoots over and motions Jensen over to the space he made. "Ven acá."

Once Jensen is situated, face pressed against his rifle, Cougar allows himself to inch forward and drape part of his body over Jensen's as he sets up his shoot.

"Wind?" Cougar murmurs.

"North-east. Just a itty-bitty baby breeze."

"Target?"

"The fourth iron at the seven hundred meter line."

Cougar snorts. "Five-fifty."

"Dude, I can do seven hundred."

"My rifle is sighted to me. Five hundred."

"Whatever, Five-fifty."

Cougar allows a small smile. "Do it."

Jensen spends a few moments taking deep breaths and adjusting before finally pulling the trigger.

He isn't terrible. Good trigger discipline, nice follow through.

"Low and to the right." Cougar offers and Jensen doesn't speak, but he does adjust minutely up and to the left to compensate.

He hits on his second shot.

"One." The third hits. "Two." The fourth misses and Jensen is correcting himself before Cougar has a chance to. "Last chance."

Jensen spends almost a minute angling his body, kicking out one leg and planting and adjusting his face several times before he stills. It's two long minutes before he pulls the trigger.

He hits, and Cougar finds himself smiling.

"Excelente. I'm impressed. You were very patient."

Jensen visibly preens before sobering and looking over at him.

Cougar sighs, one arm and part of his torso still resting on Jensen, who doesn't seem to mind. He knows he should move, but he stays, drinking in the moment before speaking.

"At first, it hurt. Very bad."

Jensen says nothing, propping his chin up on his hands and watching him from the corner of his eyes.

"So I turned it off. It left me with the mission. My orders. Anything else? No era importante."

"So it doesn't hurt? Or it doesn't register?" Jensen asks quietly.

"Then? It didn't register. It was like a chore, I did it, but I did not think about it."

"Then?"

Cougar reaches out, turning Jensen's hand up and tapping on his scarred palm with two fingers. He drags a finger down the white line on Jensen's palm.

"I did not like who I became." Cougar shrugs, rolls away and pushes himself up into a sitting position. "So, I turned it back on."

"Why?"

Cougar raises a brow.

"Cause I fed you?" Jensen looks confused.

"Your kindness after…" Cougar trails off and looks down range. "I thought, this man, he is a good man to have at your back. In or out of battle. I asked myself if I was. The answer was not pleasing."

"So it hurts now?"

"Yes." Cougar summons up a small smile for Jensen. "Familia. Amigos. Amantes. Les robo algo. Es horrible."

They settle in a silence that should by all means be awkward, but instead it just makes Cougar feel oddly sheltered from his own turmoil.

"I'd still give you food if you went back to being a douchebag terminator. I'd understand. And honestly, I'd be glad to know you weren't… You know."

Cougar makes a soft sound.

"And if you stayed like this? I'd give you candy and be there if you needed someone." Jensen pauses and rolls onto his back, arms folded behind his head. "And if you just wanted to yell, punch something, cry, or even sit quietly, I'd be cool with that too. Well, I suck at quiet, but I'd try."

Jensen chuckles and gives Cougar a playful grin.

"Besides, I'm the reason you got turned on, aren't I?" Jensen wiggles his eyebrows at Cougar, smirking, "It's only right I take responsibility." Jensen chortles to himself, throwing an arm dramatically over his eyes. "Don't mind me, Cougs, I'll just be thinking of England."

"We're Americans." Cougar points out stretching a leg out to poke Jensen in his side. He does his best to not look at or touch the inch of skin exposed between Jensen's shirt and pants.

"I'll think of Texas then."

It's quite possible this man will be the death of him.

\------

Jensen somehow manages to charm or piss off every person who comes in contact with him. He has the social graces of Howard Hughes mixed with the eagerness to please of a puppy, which often causes people to be at a loss as to how treat him.

The ladies that work in the chow hall love him. They coo and fuss over him, giving Jensen extra large servings even as Jensen wrinkles his nose up at their food in disgust like a child. Random people around base, however, have a habit of glaring at Jensen and occasionally slamming into him when they walk by.

When things like that happen, Jensen gets worse. He says things that make Cougar wonder if he was raised by wolves. And while it's becoming more and more obvious Jensen doesn't always mean any harm with what he says, he still excels at rubbing people the wrong way.

He rubbed Cougar the wrong way once.

But now, Cougar notices dull panic in Jensen's eyes when he rambles. The way his eyes dart around like he wishes he could find an exit.

It makes Cougar want to hit things.

It makes Cougar want to go back in time and hit himself.

\------

Jensen goes away on a mission after their day at the range.

Somehow he still manages to text Cougar at least once a day from a new number. Cougar is unable reply, but it's still nice to know Jensen is okay.

He is pleased to find most of Jensen's texts are hinting at where Cougar can find stashes of chocolate Jensen had hidden around the base.

ROOM #26 CLAIMS SIGHTINGS OF THREE 17TH CENTURY FRENCH DUDES LIMPING AROUND.

The filing clerk isn't amused when Cougar wanders in and starts snooping, but he's only a PFC, and Cougar isn't above using rank and intimidation if it means he gets chocolate. After a quick search of room #26, he hits pay dirt.

In a file folder marked 'Disability Claims - Vision' Cougar finds a 3 Musketeer bar.

His sister, Maria, laughs when he tells her about it over the phone that night.

"Lo tienes mal, vato.

\------

Maria ends up outing him to their madre during an argument three days later. She calls him immediately after.

She cries over the phone and apologizes over and over,and Cougar just nods numbly and tells her he loves her and that he'll call her later and attempts to call his madre.

\-----

His family is very devout, and by the end of the day he is not surprised that only Maria and Luz will take his calls.

In just 10 short hours, he went from a family too large to count to a man with two sisters living on the other side of the country. He's irrationally upset for a moment that Jensen is gone, somewhere where Cougar can't reach him, but in the end decides it's for the best. He's not ready to tell Jensen this yet.

His madre sends a polite letter the next day asking him to please stay away, for the sake of his family's souls.

\------

The days pass in a numb haze that has his team giving him worried looks.

Pooch brings in Cougar's favorite cookies the second day claiming Jolene baked for no reason. Clay finds a good bottle of Mezcal he forgot about and gives it to Cougar claiming no interest in it. Roque looms and makes nebulous comments about his knives.

He only shakes himself out of it long enough to find a hidden family sized bag of Rolos when the text message from Jensen comes.

\-----

That night he goes to a bar and brings a tall man with expressive eyes home with him. He doesn't bother with getting a motel, like he has in the past. After all, he no longer has to worry about a family member dropping by unannounced.

The whole night is strangely unsatisfying.

\------

Jensen is waiting for him in the outer parking lot Cougar always parks in. He jogs over when Cougar pulls in and takes one look at Cougar before he pulls out his phone and calls his CO, describing a sudden and terrible case of food poisoning he claims to have.

"Call your CO, tell him you're sick. Tell him bodily fluids, all the colors of the rainbow, are trying to leave your body by force. Describe the smells," Jensen urges as he guides Cougar from his truck to the passenger seat of Jensen's obnoxiously orange Honda.

Cougar gives a weak smile and buckles in without asking questions and calls Clay.

"Not feeling well."

Clay just grunts. "No shit. Come back when you're ready."

Cougar hangs up and nods to Jensen who looks mildly shocked, but starts his car.

"I'd never come to work if it was that easy to call off," he mumbles and pulls out of the parking lot.

Jensen doesn't ask any questions, but fills the silence so it's as un-awkward as possible.

Thirty minutes later, Cougar feels a hand rest on top of his, squeezing softly.

"I'm sorry you're sad," Jensen says softly while still keeping his eyes mostly on the road. "When or if you want to talk..." Jensen trails off letting Cougar fill in the rest.

Cougar just leans over and rests his head on Jensen's shoulder, moving only to twist into the embrace when an arm wraps around his shoulders.

"Your hat is trying to decapitate me," Jensen says, but doesn't make a move to shove said hat away, keeping one hand on the wheel and the other around Cougar. Cougar just reaches up and knocks the hat off his own head, letting it fall into the back seat.

"See, isn't that better? We're down one homicidal hat and up one extremely macho hug." Jensen chuckles, not making any move to push Cougar away and starts humming the tune of Macho Man.

Cougar just tucks his head into Jensen's body. If Jensen can feel the wet spot growing on his shoulder, he doesn't point it out.

\------

A little under an hour later, Cougar is sitting in the living room of a tiny blue house staring at a cartoon lawyer talking to his pet hawk.

Jennifer is making iced tea in the kitchen, Jensen is doing an admirable job of not being obvious about the fact that he's watching Cougar and not the TV, and Cougar is sitting, hatless, in his undershirt and Jennifer's grey sweatpants, trying to figure what he's doing here.

Jennifer seemed completely unsurprised to have Jensen stroll in with Cougar in tow, demanding iced tea and clothes for Cougar to change into.

She just threw her magazine at Jensen and wandered off only to appear again with a pair of sweat pants and a hug for Cougar before telling him to make sure Jensen shared the remote.

"You have a long commute," Cougar says for lack of better things to say. Jensen laughs and seems relieved to have a reason to look at him.

"I live all of ten minutes from base, Cougs."

"He just likes to drop by and mooch home cooked meals," Jennifer calls from the kitchen. "And to plant terrible ideas in my impressionable daughter's head."

Cougar just nods and lets himself get lost in the strange but loving banter between them. Jensen's eyes dart over to him regularly, as if to makes sure he's still there.

\------

It comes out during Jennifer and Jensen arguing over dinner.

"Mi familia," Cougar hears himself say.

The conversation around him dies. When he looks up, Jensen's blue eyes are watching him, which seems to be all that is required to pull more words from him.

"I am no longer welcome in their home."

Jensen watches him with a closed off expression.

Jennifer steps forward and he finds himself pulled into her arms, head guided to her shoulder as soft, soothing noises are whispered into his hair.

He sits there numbly for a while, inhaling the scent of lemons and watching Jensen watch him over Jennifer's shoulder.

Jennifer strokes his hair twice more before moving back, her hands at his shoulders as she looks him over before nodding to Jensen.

"Fuck pizza, this is a BBQ emergency," she says in complete seriousness. She touches Cougar's cheek, drawing his eyes up to meet hers. "You stay here with Jake, okay?"

Cougar nods and allows himself to be led to the couch by the siblings. Jensen sits down first and pulls Cougar down next to him, arm wrapping around him like earlier in the car.

"I'm gonna talk to you like you're an idiot right now, just in case you are one. I like you, and so does Jake," Jennifer says, catching his chin in her hand and tilting his face up. "You're always welcome here. No matter when or why. Got it?"

Cougar nods and she releases his chin to runs a weary hand through her hair.

"I got this," Jensen murmurs, pulling Cougar back towards him. "Bring back chocolate if you find any. Cougs likes chocolate."

Jennifer hovers anxiously above them before nodding.

"Got it." She chews on her lip. "If you need me, call," she urges before disappearing.

They sit there in a silence no longer quite so comfortable. Cougar can almost feel Jensen's effort to not question him. It's hard not to take pity.

"Beth is a lucky girl."

"No shit, right? Jennifer is like Super Mom." Jensen pauses. "I've wanted to ask, like, crazy amounts of questions all day. And I want to tell you how if anyone doesn't want you in their life, they must be fucked in the head, but I'm not going to 'cause I don't know if you want or need me to, and right now, it needs to be about you."

"Gracias."

"If I'm doing this wrong, let me know. I've only ever done this for Beth. And she normally stops crying if I buy her a new Barbie or a model rocket and then she tells me what's wrong. Which is usually a kid at school saying she's stupid or ugly. So I just tell her she's the prettiest, 'cause she is, and then I teach her something. When she gets it, I tell her how smart she is, 'cause she is." Jensen rests his head on top of Cougar's and sighs.

"You're a good uncle."

"I try." Jensen shrugs it off. "All I can think right now is that I want to buy you a Barbie and teach you how to make a boat that's powered by Alka-Seltzer tablets. Then I'd tell you how smart and pretty you are and everything would be better. But, I get that that probably won't work, so I'm just gonna sit here and hope you tell me if there's anything I can do."

If it had been anyone else saying this, Cougar would have probably laughed or punched them. If it had been any other day, Cougar would have focused on trying to find out if Jensen really thought he was pretty, even if only objectively. He could live with being called pretty if Jensen was the one who said it.

But Jensen just sits there, curled protectively next to him and honestly seems to wish he could make Cougar feel better with a pink doll and boats. helplessness is tangible and somehow it makes Cougar feel better and worse at the same time.

"You would buy me a doll?" he asks quietly and somehow the answer to this seems like the most important thing in this moment. The fact that he wouldn't even know what to do with a doll doesn't matter. Target practice, maybe.

"I'd buy you a thousand Barbies if I thought it could fix this," Jensen murmurs sadly. "But it can't, and that kinda makes me wanna hit something."

\------

Beth arrives with Jennifer and their dinner, giving Cougar a steady look before grabbing his hand and leading him to the table. When he sits she climbs in the seat next to him and stares at him.

"Bad days are no fun."

"You are correct, Mija." Cougar gives her a weak smile.

"There are upsides, though. Bad days mean you don't have to do dishes after dinner," she says with a seriousness that makes him want to hug her.

"Is that so?"

She nods. "And if you ask nicely or cry, Uncle Jake will blow something up for you. When Tyler pushed me in the pool, Uncle Jake took me to the park and blew up my Steve Austin doll." Beth gives him a wide smile. "Tyler looks like a fat Steve Austin. The doll's face melted off and we never found his arm."

Cougar finds himself smiling with her. The tiny blonde is painfully related to Jensen. He takes a moment to send a silent prayer up for her teachers.

Jensen ducks his head in the dining room a moment later and narrows his eyes at Beth. "I have no idea what she's talking about because there is a strict rule against controlled and uncontrolled explosions in this house,"

Beth hides a smile admirably and nods sagely. "Of course. And rules are never broken," she tells Cougar with a poorly hidden smile. "Not for bad days, and not even for science," she mock whispers.

"Hey!" Jennifer's yell echoes in the front room and the loud clicks of her heels announce her arrival. She's scowling at them all in turn, shoving a plate of macaroni and cheese at Jake. "Tell me I didn't hear the 'S' word incoming from my impressionable and highly flammable daughter, Jake."

"Science isn't a bad word, Jennifer."

"It is when it comes out of your mouth."

Jensen ignores this and plows on. "Also, she wouldn't be considered highly flammable." Jennifer's eyes narrow and Jensen holds up the macaroni platter like it might protect him. "Just her hair. And clothes."

Cougar surprises himself and the others with a quiet laugh.

"See? Bad days can't last forever," Beth says with all the certainty of an 8-year-old.


	3. We don't hug in the Army.

"Do you live alone?" Jensen asks as they leave Jennifer's and climb back in his car.

"Sí."

"Okay then, it's really important that I point out to you that there is in fact a difference between crack heads and crack whores. You will encounter both in front of my apartment, and they can be touchy if you get them mixed up," Jensen says cheerfully as they pull out of Jennifer's driveway. "Also, don't be close-minded, because both come in all shapes, creeds, genders, and colors."

"¿Qué?"

"Crack heads. Crack whores. Are you not following?" Jensen glances at him with a concerned frown.

"Why am I seeing your crack heads?"

"Oh, no, no, no. They aren't my crack heads, they're just outside my apartment. I'm firmly of the stance that crack is whack."

"Why am I seeing your apartment?"

"You live alone." Jensen's hands tighten minutely on the steering wheel before hesitantly adding, "And you don't need to be alone right now."

"Jen-"

Jensen cuts him off firmly with a wave.

"Unless you magic up a roommate in 2 seconds, you're crashing with me tonight."

"I'm fine."

"Just let me do this, okay?" Jensen pleads. "Come on, dude, you're like my first friend I didn't meet online, don't deny me the opportunity to be all awesome and supportive in a way that doesn't involve felonious shenanigans or listening to an elementary school band butcher the classics."

Cougar crosses his arms. "Guilt will not work."

"Yeah, it so will, I'm not even warmed up. And I learned from the best, so unless you wanna see a full-blown Jensen Family Guilt Trip, and yes, there are capital letters involved, you better get with the program." Jensen darts his eyes over, his expression less confident than his words. "Come on, man, I even have clean sheets for you and everything!"

Cougar sighs, he's not sure he'd be up to a battle of the wills with Jensen on a good day, much less today.

\------

Jensen was not exaggerating about the people in and around his building.

His apartment is above one of the seediest bars Cougar has ever seen.

Cougar has done more than his share of bar crawls before and after basic. And there was that place he went to with Roque in Germany that Clay and Pooch refused to go near. This is definitely worse than that.

More than one person approaches him on their way in, offering purchase or sale of various services and products, only backing off once they realize he is with Jensen.

"You live here?" Cougar asks incredulously as they climb the stairs that are covered in various pieces of trash including one used condom and two syringes. "You bring mija here?"

Jensen rolls his eyes and makes his way to unlock a flimsy door on the third story.

"Dude, there is no fucking way would Beth ever be allowed here. Even when she's forty, she will not be allowed here." He pushes the door open and gestures for Cougar to enter. "Just get inside, you giant girl. I swear it's better inside."

Cougar resists pointing of it would be hard not to be and heads in.

He is genuinely surprised to find a clean, well lit, if sparsely furnished room inside. There's a small kitchen area along one wall and a well worn sofa shoved against the other wall, with what appears to be three computer monitors centered around said couch on various makeshift tables. Pictures of Beth and Jennifer and two closed doors make up the third wall.

"Told you," Jensen mutters while engaging all three locks on the door. He throws his keys on the table and makes his way to the door on the left. He flips the switch on, beckoning Cougar over.

"This is the bathroom, light switch is here, clean towels are there." He gestures to each, coloring slightly at the latter.

"Your towels are very... pink."

Jensen sighs. "Yeah. House warming present. Picked out by Beth."

Cougar smirks. Maybe this wasn't such a terrible idea after all.

"I'm sorry I w-"

"Chill." Jensen cuts him off. "I am totally aware of what this place looks like. I take no offense. Hell, I practically boil my hands if I come in contact with the walls on the way up."

"So why do you live here?" Cougar asks, leaning against the door frame.

"The rent is $160 and I'm rarely ever here to do more than sleep or fuck around on the computer. So why bother paying almost a grand for an apartment close to base that I'll still never use?" He shrugs. "The people here know me. They consider me one of them, cleaner and less addicted to dubious substances, yes, but still one of them. So no one fucks with my place, and in return, I get the bar free cable." Jensen smiles. "Besides, I like to think the people add character to the place."

"And a need for penicillin."

Jensen nods solemnly. "Yes, I imagine there is a veritable plethora of rotting genitals down there." Jensen slaps Cougar on the shoulder. "Now stop being such a snob and help me get your room ready."

Jensen opens the other door and Cougar has to stop and stare. A black wooden bed frame sits in the middle of the room, empty except for a large plastic bag containing a pink bed set, two pillows, and a smaller package of pink sheets. A new mattress and box spring are propped up against the wall still wrapped in their shipping plastic. The matching dresser and bedside table are the only other objects in the room.

"Where... do you sleep?" Cougar asks and Jensen just laughs and starts ripping the plastic material from the box spring.

"I tend to crash on the couch. I'm not really a bed person, but Jennifer got this for me hoping it'd change my mind." Jensen squints at the tag on the mattress. "It's memory foam or some shit, so you should get a great night's sleep, the little sheep on here says he guarantees it," Jensen says cheerfully. "Move the bedding so I can move this, 'kay?"

Cougar moves the bags to rest on the dresser. The bedding is very, very pink. "Beth?"

"Jennifer is a sadist. Do you know what happens when a kid Beth's age is allowed to pick out place settings? Pink plates, Cougs, and tiny little pink cups with flowers on them."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah." Jensen sighs and drops the box spring on the bed before wrestling the mattress on top. "Now, if Jennifer asks, this was already set up and I was quite put out to have to sleep on the sofa."

Cougar raises an eyebrow and Jensen seems to see the error of his ways.

"You have a point, that woman can smell a lie a mile away."

They make the bed together, Jensen rambling about the history of bed linens in a way soothes some of Cougar's still raw nerves.

"Thank you. For this."

Jensen smiles at him and slips the last pillow in its blinding case. Cougar removes his hat and places it on the bedside table.

"You're welcome to crash at Chez Crack Den anytime you feel brave enough to actually show up here. Not like I'll use it, and it's a shame to let it go to waste," Jensen says with a grimace at his neon pink bed. "Is it weird that I might be starting to like pink? It's like the fucking color gave me a case of Stockholm syndrome."

"Very weird," Cougar assures Jensen.

Jensen sighs and sits next to him. "So, you doing as good as can be expected?"

"Yes."

"You need to talk?"

"No."

"You want me to ask?"

"No."

Jensen sighs and lies back on the bed.

"You are aware I'm making up elaborate scenarios in my head as to what may have happened?"

"I thought as much." Cougar lies back as well, legs dangling over the side, and folds his arms over his stomach. "Best one?"

"Well, so far my favorite is probably the one where your family is in the mob, but you all had radical, very cutting edge surgery so no one would suspect you were really the most powerful Italian crime family in existence."

"Smart," Cougar says with a twitch of his lips.

"Well, you don't become #1 by being a second rate bad guy." Jensen waves a hand before tucking his arms back behind his head. "Anyways, you met this awesome and sexy FBI chick and have a steamy affair. Eventually she asked you to give up the life and run away together, and she's awesome and has a 100% kill rate in Quake, so you say yes. But first you had to get your grandmother's secret recipe for lasagna. You know, cause you're Italian, and TV has raised me to be culturally insensitive and assume all Italians love lasagna more than anything else."

Cougar snorts.

"So you broke into your families safe; disguised as a piñata, which isn't me being racist, by the way, it's your family being racist. Anyways, you're about to bust it open when you find out the FBI babe is actually crooked and has been telling your family everything."

"Say it isn't so."

"I wish I could, Cougs, I wish I could. Right, so they're pissed and feeling betrayed so they kick you out of the family. And because they're evil jerks, they cut off your blood money trust fund and frame you for their crimes."

"The ending?"

"It's happy. You win the lottery and donate the proceeds to fighting racial and cultural stereotypes. Oprah does a whole show about it."

Cougar hums in the back of his throat and stares at the celling.

"So?" Jensen raises his head and looks down at Cougar. "Was I close?"

Cougar gives him a small smile. "Very."

Jensen smiles back sadly.

\------

Cougar spends three weeks in Chad and comes back to find a twitchy Jensen who spends the first week showing up multiple times a day with candy bars.

"If you get any skinnier, your rifle will weigh more than you," Jensen complains, not for the first time, as he tucks a Snickers bar in Cougar's jacket pocket.

He doesn't miss the real concern hidden in Jensen's voice or the bags under his eyes.

"I'm okay."

Jensen gives him a dry look before reaching out to poke him in his clavicle. White hot pain shoots through his body, making him hiss and swat at Jensen.

"¡Cabrón!"

"Liar," Jensen shoots back.

Cougar doesn't realize until much later that the only mention he's made of his wound was to Clay, the medic, and in his official mission report.

\------

Cougar ends up at Jensen's more and more after work. Sometimes, they drive out to eat dinner with Jennifer and Beth, and other times Jensen orders in. They spend most days watching movies or TV on Jensen's computer, and when they lose track of time, Cougar crashes out in the bedroom.

The third time Cougar falls asleep at Jensen's, he discovers a second toothbrush in the bathroom the next morning. Both are pink, but one has a tiny paw print drawn on it in marker, and the other a circle with three intertwined lines emerging from it that end in a smaller circle, a triangle, and a square.

Jensen pops his head in just in time to catch the confused look on his face. He smiles, eyes a little too wide, betraying his nervousness.

"So, yeah. I figured you might as well have one here. And Jennifer bought me a giant pack of them, so..." He shrugs. "Dental hygiene is important." He gestures to the brush with the paw print. "Kitty brush for the kitty."

Cougar nods, picking it up and examining it. "Thank you."

Jensen's smile brightens. "No problemo!"

"What is this?" Cougar asks, pointing to the other design.

"That's the USB trident. I kinda got really excited when USBs first started showing up." Jensen runs a hand through his hair and blushes. "I may or may not have tried to convince Jennifer to let me legally change my name to the symbol."

Cougar raises an eyebrow and judges Jensen thoroughly.

"Oh, shut up. I was like seventeen when they hit the market. No seventeen-year-old makes smart decisions about their future. And I was... kinda a nerd."

"Still a nerd," Cougar points out and Jensen rolls his eyes.

"Shut up and brush your teeth."

\------

After that, Cougar starts to notice more of the USB tridents.

When he spills coffee on his shirt (Jensen's fault), the too large bright green shirt Jensen throws him has a small trident on its tag. On the bottom of all of Jake's laptops, there is a trident hidden in the corner. When Jensen is cleaning his sidearm, Cougar notices a faint black shine on the bottom of the empty magazines sitting on the table, and sure enough there's a black marker trident on all of them, too.

For some reason, every time Cougar sees one, he runs his fingers over it and smiles.

When they eat at Jennifer's house the next week, he notices one of the Tupperware containers she hands him has one as well. She notices it catch his eye and smiles.

"Did he tell you about that, or am I a lucky girl today?"

"He told me."

Jennifer snaps her fingers. "I had to ban sharpies for a whole year because he went around drawing them on everything he decided was his. Woke up one morning with a trident on my forehead." She shakes her head. "He was a fun kid to raise. Never a dull moment."

Cougar blinks. "You..?"

Jennifer's smile falters and she nods. "Yeah. Kinda thought you knew. It's no big deal."

Cougar wants to explain that it is, it's a very big deal. That it explains a lot. To tell her she should be proud. To ask what happened, because something happened.

Cougar settles for a nod.

\------

They're getting a soda at Wal*Mart when Jensen wanders over to the card section.

"¿Qué estás haciendo?"

"Getting a card. Thank fuck for the giant signs everywhere." Jensen mutters. "I'd never remember to get Jennifer one otherwise."

Cougar looks up to the large red sign covered in roses. MOTHER'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

Jensen picks through the cards, seemingly displeased by the selection. "These are all so boring," he whines.

"Make one?"

"Better idea!" Jensen says, quickly turning to the side of the isle and flipping through cards. "Ah-ha! This is perfect! Cougs, read this for me!" Cougar raises an eyebrow at the card thrust into his face.

A pack of horses run across the blue card. Con Nuestras Condolencias is written across the front.

"This is a sympathy card."

"Is it moving?"

Cougar sighs but opens the card, reading. Tu familia ha sufrido la pérdida de alguien muy especial... alguien que siempre ocupará un lugar importante en nuestros recuerdos- y en nuestros corazones. Cougar shrugs.

"Perfect! I knew this was the one."

"For Mother's Day?"

"Yup. It's perfect. The horses are a nice touch." Jensen nods solemnly. "Jennifer hates horses. She went on a field trip to a ranch once. One of the horses was happy." Jensen shakes his head. "Traumatized poor Jennifer to see it floppin' about in front of them."

Cougar finds himself staring at Jensen.

"You okay there, buddy?"

"You are very... odd."

Jensen laughs and heads towards the checkout line, still looking at the card.

"Hey, you think I should get a pen and make the herd a bit more traumatizing? I could add a few bi-" Cougar slaps Jensen upside the head before he can finish.

\------

They're on Jensen's couch watching a show about a man who watches movies with rude robots when Jensen finally brings it up.

"So, Jennifer kinda raised me." Cougar nods, turning his attention to Jensen. "Which I get the feeling you kinda know."

"It came up," Cougar says, and Jensen nods, eyes fixed on his computer screen.

"Our dad was scum. He got thrown in jail. And mom was..." Jensen makes a random gesture and Cougar nods like it meant something. "So Jennifer dropped out of college and got one of those bus stop lawyers so she could get custody of me." Jensen takes a long drink from his soda, still watching the robots heckle the movie.

"She is a remarkable woman," Cougar offers, which makes Jensen frown and finally look away from the screen.

"Dude, do not tell me you're crushing on my sister. She's like fifty, and my sister. I'll have to vomit all over you and then kill you."

\------

Cougar maintains that Jensen only meets the Losers for the first time because Pooch is a nosy woman who can't mind his own business.

Cougar and Jensen are tucked away in the corner of the chow hall, minding their own business, when the other Losers suddenly appear in civvies, carrying trays of food like battle armor. The fact that Roque is smiling is enough to make Cougar's eyes narrow.

"How funny to run into you here, Sergeant," Clay says with one of his infuriating smirks as he sits down across from Jensen. Pooch and Roque follow in suit on either side of him. Cougar glares while Jensen looks longingly at the exit.

In the eight months Cougar has been a Loser, Cougar has never seen Clay or Roque go near the chow hall.

Pooch reaches out a hand towards Jensen with a smile. "Hey, man, I'm Pooch, I work with your buddy here. This is C-"

"Lieutenant Colonel Franklin Clay and Captain William Roque," Jensen finishes for him. Cougar shoots Jensen a curious look that Jensen ignores. None of the newcomers so much as pretend to glance at their food.

"Cougar talks about us, does he?" Clay puffs up and for a moment and Cougar is tempted to gag.

"No, sir."

Clay deflates a bit. "Have we met then?"

"No." Jensen shakes his head which just makes Clay look confused.

"So how do you know us?" Roque cuts to the chase.

Jensen pops a grape into his mouth and shrugs. "I looked you up."

"Our files are sealed."

"Barely." Jensen snorts and rolls his eyes. "Please tell me you aren't the brains of this operation."

Roque's hand darts out, latching on to Jensen's wrist as he moves to grab another grape. "Watch yourself."

"You," Jensen says with blank eyes focused on the hand holding his wrist, "should let go of me."

"Roque," Cougar says in warning.

Clay watches with amusement as Pooch tries and fails to pull Roque's hand away from Jensen.

"When someone says to stop, you should stop," Jensen says in a calm voice.

"Or what?" Roque sneers at Jensen and tightens his grip.

Before Cougar can react, Jensen is lurching forward and there's a plastic fork embedded in Roque's inner elbow, blood already pouring out.

Roque howls.

From there, things go downhill fast.

Cougar ends up dragging Jensen away from Roque while Pooch drags Roque in the other direction. An unused knife is pried out of Roque's hand and bloody plastic fork is pried from Jensen's by Clay.

When the MPs manage to reach them, Jensen and Roque are calm enough they're content glowering at each other as the MPs escort them away.

"You know, we never even got his name," Clay muses, sitting there looking amused like he didn't just have his XO dragged away in handcuffs.

Cougar grabs Clay by the front of his jacket and Clay looks decidedly less amused.

"Fix this." With that Cougar storms out.

He grinds his teeth so hard in the next two hours that his jaw hurts for the next week.

\------

Cougar forgives Clay, just a little, when he gets Jensen out of the brig with only a light slap on the wrist in under three hours.

Cougar does not forgive Roque, instead he tracks down an industrial oven and hands over $50 so he can turn Roque's favorite knife into a twisted hunk of metal later that night. Roque looks ready to make an issue out of it until Clay's had falls on his shoulder, holding him in place.

Cougar forgives Pooch, just a little, because he apologizes and shows up the next day with two dozen of Jolene's molasses cookies.

"One's for you and one's for..." Pooch trails off. "What is his name?"

Cougar debates ignoring him, but ends up answering. Pooch is a hard man to stay mad with.

"Jensen."

"Right. One bag is for Jensen." Pooch sits next to Cougar and stares at his hands. "I seriously did not think that it would go down that way."

Cougar grunts.

"He mad at you?" Pooch asks hesitantly.

"No." Cougar can't explain it, but somehow that makes it worse.

"Yeah." Pooch nods like he knows what Cougar's thinking. "I'm sorry, man."

\------

Jensen regains a touch of his skittishness after that whenever he's near Cougar. He stops approaching without a direct invitation and even then stays only for short amounts of time if they're on base.

Cougar ends up making lame excuses to crash at Jensen's just to spend time with him. Jensen seems genuinely excited each time it happens, talking a little too loud and a little too fast like he's worried Cougar will stop listening.

"I'm sorry, Cougs," he says once while they watch a show about a doctor and a little boy in a gas mask. "I didn't mean to do that. I was nervous and my mouth just... And then... you know. And I asked him to stop and he didn't." Jensen swallows thickly, "I'm sorry I put you in this position with your team."

Cougar spends the rest of the show listening to the pressured speech of Jensen and doing his best to assure him he isn't mad.

The next day, he coughs up another $50 and turns Roque's second favorite knife into a useless lump.

Roque twitches but says nothing under Clay's watchful glare when the lump shows up in his locker.

After work, Cougar drives his truck to Jensen's and pounds on the door till a distracted looking Jensen in a neon green shirt opens it.

"I want to stay here tonight." Cougar doesn't bother coming up with an excuse this time, and is relieved when Jensen just nods his head and rubs his eyes before turning and walking back to his sofa. All three computers are turned on and running.

"The pink blob is clean, I washed it yesterday," Jensen says offhandedly before looking over Cougar with tired eyes. "You okay, man?"

Cougar shrugs.

"Tired?"

Cougar makes a vague sound and Jensen pats the space next to him on the couch.

"Wanna keep me company till you are?" he asks with a yawn and an arm lifted preemptively to wrap around Cougar when he slides in next to him.

"Yes."

Jensen gives him a tired smile before turning back to his computers and typing one-handedly.

Endless amounts of small yellow and purple text dance on the screen in what only occasionally looks like English.

"What are you doing?" Cougar asks after a moment. Jensen pauses typing to smile at him before launching into a lecture on why Charles Babbage is his personal hero. Jensen's voice is soft and low and the fingers on his right hand fly a mile a minute over the keyboard in a way that makes Cougar's eyes heavy.

It isn't until Cougar wakes up in an empty apartment wrapped in pink blankets that he realizes Jensen never answered him.

Taped to his hat on the bedside table are a tiny silver key and a scrap of paper.

You're always welcome at Chez Crack Den, even if I'm not home. Don't lose this, and DO NOT trade this for crack downstairs. I will be very upset if you do. In the bottom left corner, a poorly drawn cat wearing a cowboy hat who appears to be smoking a pipe.

The note goes in his wallet and the key on his key ring.

\------

When Roque comes in the next day, he's almost frothing at the mouth and Cougar can't bring himself to care why. A few hours into accidentally mislabeling all of Roque's paperwork, his phone buzzes.

IF I DIE TODAY THERE IS A STASH OF CHOCOLATE IN MY DESK. YOU CAN HAVE IT.

A second message quickly follows.

IF I LIVE YOU BETTER KEEP YOUR PAWS AWAY FROM MY DESK OR I WILL NEUTER YOU.

A third appears before he's done with the second.

DOES HE CARRY MORE THAN ONE KNIFE?

Suddenly, Roque's temper tantrum is the most interesting thing Cougar's seen all week.

what did you do?

NOTHING I'D BE STUPID ENOUGH TO CONFESS TO.

ten cuidado.

I ASSUME THAT'S SPANISH FOR BFFS 4 EVR. IF IT'S NOT, DON'T TELL ME, CAUSE YOU'LL JUST FEEL BAD ABOUT IT IF I DIE.

\------

MPs show up to escort Roque away and half an hour later Clay pulls up a chair next to Cougar and crosses his arms.

"What's it going to take to make this stop?"

"¿Qué?"

Clay frowns, eyes cutting into the side of Cougar's head. "Like you don't know."

"I don't." Cougar tips his hat back and smiles. "Sorry, boss."

Clay stares at him before shrugging. "Smart kid," Clay murmurs approvingly and Cougar is inclined to agree. "Well, there is a military investigation into whether or not Roque has any ties to any terrorist organizations." Clay's lips twitch up at the corners for a fraction of a second before he schools his face again. "Also," Clay says straight-faced, "his military personnel photo seems to have been... updated." Clay pulls a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to Cougar.

Cougar has to bite his cheek to keep from laughing when he opens it. He whistles and manages to stay mostly straight-faced.

Clay grunts and examines the picture. "You know, I think the good Captain looks all right as a redhead. The lipstick might be a bit much though." Clay's smile fades a fraction and his face looks less amused, more tired. "He shouldn't have touched your friend. And I shouldn't have let it get that far. I fucked up."

"Yes." Cougar nods solemnly and hands the photo back to Clay. "You did."

"So what's it gonna take to get this to stop?"

Cougar shrugs and pulls out his phone. "I will ask."

\------

The second time Jensen meets the Losers, Cougar keeps himself planted firmly at his side. Cougar's blood pounds through his veins and he remembers only a handful of other moments in his life where he felt such apprehension.

Roque stares through the bars at Jensen for a painfully long moment. Jensen stares back, his posture relaxed and his eyes dull in a way that Cougar is starting to associate with trouble.

Finally, Roque unclenches his jaw and growls out a short apology.

To Cougar's surprise, once the apology falls from Roque's lips, Jensen's whole demeanor brightens and he genuinely seems to accept it. Jensen's mood shift seems to make Roque uneasy and causes Pooch and Clay watch him warily.

Cougar has never wanted to kiss Jensen more than he does in that moment.

Luckily, he's had a lot of practice at this so when he tugs his hat down over his face, no one is the wiser.

\-----

It takes fourteen minutes of Jensen squinting at his phone outside of the brig for the charges against Roque to be cleared up. The desk sergeant is clearly befuddled when the computer system shows no reason for Roque to be behind bars, and no one anywhere can find any traces of any charges against him when he calls around.

Pooch and Clay both look impressed. That look turns apprehensive when Jensen immediately wanders up to Roque with a gigantic smile as soon as Roque's released.

"Truce?" Jensen chirps happily.

Roque surprises everyone by smiling back. "Truce." He claps Jensen on the shoulder, making Pooch, Clay, and Cougar tense briefly.

Roque laughs and holds out a fist that Jensen looks delighted to bump with his own.

"You're crazy as shit, but you're okay."

Jensen's smile gets wider than before, and Cougar may feel a tiny hint of jealousy that his smile is directed at Roque.

Cougar hasn't forgiven Roque yet, but he doesn't currently feel like destroying any more of his knives.

\------

Jensen is adopted into their group after that. Cougar's not sure why or how, but he doesn't fight it. When Jolene sends cookies, Jensen gets a share just like everyone else. When Pooch gets sent to sleep on the couch, he starts asking Jensen if he has any ideas for apology gifts, and the laptop he recommends actually goes over very well with Jolene. When Clay drives into town to fetch real food for everyone, he starts bringing back some for Jensen too.

The weirdest thing, though, is Roque and Jensen.

They somehow build themselves a strange relationship that revolves around Roque threatening Jensen and Jensen mocking Roque as much as humanly possible.

Cougar keeps a careful eye on them when they're together, waiting for one of them to go too far. To cross some invisible line. He watches them closer when he notices the way Roque starts to watch Jensen.

There's nothing sexual in Roque's gaze and Cougar can't detect any violence, but it makes him uneasy. Wary. Makes him want to grab Jensen and hide him somewhere.

"It's not what you think." Clay interrupts his thoughts with a gravely voice. They both watch as Jensen laughs at and insults Roque while he 'un-fucks' Roque's computer.

Cougar raises a brow.

"Roque wouldn't harm a hair on the kid's head and he'll kill anyone who tries. Roque just doesn't know that yet." Clay says before drinking deeply from his mug. "Right now though, Roque's confused and that pisses him off. And all he knows is that it's somehow Jensen's fault."

Cougar looks up to watch Clay clutching his mug and observing the other two with tired eyes.

"Boss?"

"When they finally figure out that they're friends they're gonna drive us and everyone else insane." Clay mutters as he wanders back to his desk.

\-----

Strangely, it takes the whole group taking their second trip to the chow hall together to make Cougar stop worrying Roque and Jensen will kill each other.

It's also the last time any of them will be allowed in the chow hall.

It starts normally enough; they grab their trays and get in line. Jensen and Pooch are debating what is least likely to kill them when a hand shoots forward suddenly and connects with Jensen's head, slamming it into the metal food guard.

It happens so fast that Cougar and Pooch find themselves watching and not comprehending until Jensen's face connects with the metal and a small rain of green shards falls on his tray as his left lens shatters. Pooch moves towards Jensen and Cougar spins to find the person responsible just in time to see Roque breaking his tray over the man's head. Roque hits him two more times and then is kind enough to leave the man to Cougar while Clay and he make sure the man's friends stay back.

\-----

Much like their first time together in the chow hall, people end up tossed in the brig and there is plenty of blood.

Unlike their first time, it's Roque and Cougar in the brig and it's Clay who gets them out.

When they get outside, Pooch is freaking out and rambling about how the accident made Jensen blind. A glasses-less Jensen is doing his best to make Pooch lower his voice.

"Clay, kid is blind as a goddamn bat, that asshole bl-"

"This is not new," Cougar interrupts with a quietly authoritative voice. "No one needs to know, yes?"

Pooch blinks. "Um, What?"

"I cheated on my vision test, okay?" Jensen hisses.

"You cheated on your physical exam?" Clay asks incredulously; he looks oddly pleased.

"Yes, yes, already." Jensen rolls his eyes. "And it took a lot of work and some illegal access into military and hospital records, so maybe we can stop talking about this outside of the fucking brig."

Roque frowns, manhandling Jensen to look over his face while Jensen tries to swat him away. "Why didn't you just get Lasik or something?"

Jensen blinks up in the general direction of Roque and frowns. Eventually he shakes his head and blinks over to look at Cougar. "You know how my sister says I'm stupid?" Cougar nods, grabbing the taller man's face away from Roque and examining the small cuts around his left eye. "She's right, dude, she's so right. And she's never going to let me forget it."

Pooch is the first to start laughing, but quickly enough Clay and Roque are chuckling at Jensen's crestfallen expression.

Cougar just nods solemnly. "I promise not to tell Jennifer."

\------

Jensen tenaciously avoids answering any questions about the man who shoved him.

The Losers do their own snooping, coming back with several vague character references that are less than pleasant. Clay gets told, in so many words, that he needs to not worry about things that are none of his concern.

Cougar brings it up more than once when it's just them. He can't seem to let it go.

"Tell you what, Cougar, tell me about what happened with your family and I'll tell you about that dude," Jensen finally snaps. It's not the first time Jensen has snapped at him, but it feels like it is.

Cougar just stands up and walks out of Jensen's apartment. Jensen doesn't follow.

\------

Jensen takes two weeks of vacation shortly after and gets Lasik eye surgery.

Jennifer calls Cougar less to update him on Jensen's recovery and more to ask what's up with them.

"The doctor says it's looking good. Jensen made sure they corrected his vision to match his tests which confused the hell out of the doctors. He'll still wear glasses, and he picked out pink lenses this time." Jennifer gives a forced laugh, too happy, too light, and painfully similar to Jensen's fake laugh. The conversation stills.

"Jennifer?"

"Just... You guys were glued at the hip a week ago, now it's been ten days and you two haven't so much as texted each other." Jennifer sighs heavily. "It's not my place…" Jennifer sighs. "Never mind. Sorry to bother you." With that she hangs up.

\------

The Losers get orders to head for Pakistan three days later. No one sees, let alone tells Jensen where they're going, but the day before they leave Cougar gets a package in the mail.

There's a small black phone and a note inside.

Take this with you. Please. -J

Cougar tells himself he won't, even going so far as to throw it in the trash.

Two days later he's almost late for their flight because he has to dig through half a dumpster to find the damn phone.

\------

The phone vibrates gently inside his pocket on their fifth day in Pakistan.

GET AWAY FROM 29*40'N-67*26'E. BAD INTEL. TRAP.

Cougar hands the phone to Clay who doesn't ask questions, just pulls out his GPS before ordering them north as fast as Pooch can drive.

Three hours later, they're holed up and anxious when chatter comes over the radio about a massacre outside of Gokurt.

"We were supposed to cut through there, weren't we?" Pooch asks even though he knows the answer.

Clay looks out the window of the Jeep. "So," Clay says after a pause. "The phone. Jensen?"

"Yes."

Clay nods. "Okay. We were given information about armed men in that area from a local. No one here saw that phone, understand?"

"What phone?" Roque says with a bitter grin.

"Exactly."

The phone buzzes again, making half the Humvee tense.

U GUYS OK?

Cougar feels his chest tighten. "He wants to know if we are safe," he assures the others.

Pooch gives a forced smile. "Tell him Jolene will want to know what his favorite cookie is."

Cougar nods, grateful no one is asking questions. Questions like where Jensen has been for the past month or why Cougar's little grey phone never buzzes anymore.

we are safe. pooch wants to know what cookies you like best.

TELL HIM I LIKE THE MOLASSES ONES. GLAD YOU'RE SAFE.

The phone doesn't get any more messages, but Cougar sleeps with it clutched in his hand.

\------

When they get back stateside, Cougar tries Jensen's apartment three times before driving to Jennifer's.

He knows the siblings are close and terrifyingly protective of each other, so he is prepared for a slammed door and/or anger when he knocks. When Jennifer opens the door, however, she just looks exhausted. She stands back and motions for him to enter before pouring him a glass of iced tea.

"Jake is on a mission," she says as she hands the glass to him. Cougar nods and watches the ice swirl around in his glass. "I don't know when he'll be back. I never know."

Cougar nods, he's seen the look on her face on his own mother's face before- Cougar stops that line of thought.

"I need to apologize to him," Cougar says, still watching the ice.

"Does he deserve an apology?"

"Yes."

Jennifer nods at this, "Then I'm glad you're giving one." She stands, brushing invisible dirt from her legs. "You staying for dinner? It's chili, so there'll be more than enough for three."

Her offer is genuine, but Cougar declines.

"He'll forgive you, you know that, right? He'll forgive you for anything, if you just ask him to," she says as she walks him to his truck. "Jake is terrified of loss, so he'll do anything if he thinks it might make someone stay." Jennifer sighs and pushes her hair back. "We'll have a talk about that someday, you and me."

There's a warning there, and maybe a threat, but Cougar just nods, only caring that it implies there will still be a spot somewhere, somehow, in Jensen's life for him.

He sleeps at Jensen's empty apartment wrapped up in pink blankets he doesn't want to admit he missed. He calls his oldest sister and spends the night listening to her talk.

"Maria is sorry." Cougar hums in agreement, and Luz continues, "She says you forgave her, but she has not forgiven herself. She missed the last three family dinners. Said she won't be coming back until they apologize to you." Luz sighs. "Our family is becoming something I don't understand anymore."

\------

When Jensen comes back, he comes back delirious with fever and a bullet hole in his left arm. The Losers don't talk about it, but they all set up camp in his hospital room. When Beth and Jennifer show up, Cougar introduces them to his team. Beth clings to Jennifer's leg for the first thirty minutes, peeking out warily at the others. Surprisingly, it's Roque who coaxes her out and to get her to relax with his card tricks.

By the third trick, Beth is sitting captivated in the seat next to Roque, trying to figure out how he keeps guessing her card.

Jennifer gives them all a weak smile. "I've heard a lot about you guys."

"All good. I hope?" Pooch tries to tease.

Jennifer laughs quietly and raises an eyebrow at Roque.

"With one notable exception, yes."

Roque has the decency to look embarrassed.

"Your brother's a good man." he says with a shrug. "We got off to a bad start, but he's a good guy. I couldn't use that arm for two weeks." There's pride and approval in Roque's voice, like Jensen stabbing him is a fond memory. It takes Cougar a moment to realize maybe it has become a fond memory for him as well.

\------

After Jensen regains consciousness, he's soon released, with restrictions, into Jennifer's care.

It doesn't escape anyone's notice that the only visitors on his guest sign in sheet are Jennifer, Beth, and the Losers.

Pooch is the one to verbalize everyone else's thoughts. "What kind of team doesn't even show up when they have an injured man in the hospital?"

\------

Cougar spends Jensen's first day out of the hospital fussing silently over him at Jennifer's. He brings him blankets, water, and pills. He passes the hours sitting on the floor in front of the couch watching a show about a crew of misfits with a spaceship that reminds him of the vaqueros novels his grandfather read.

Cougar has never considered himself a coward. Cautious, yes, but never a coward. Until now. He hasn't said a single word to Jensen since he woke up, and Cougar's only been able to look him in the eyes once. Briefly.

"It's okay, you know," Jensen says when Cougar hands him a glass of water. "When you were all messed up, it was the hardest fucking thing in the world to not to shake you till you spilled. I remember how close I came to trying it, so I get it." Jensen takes a drink and Cougar presses a green and an orange pill into his hands. Jensen swallows both with a grimace.

Cougar just nods and moves to sit on the edge of the middle cushion, the back of him touching Jensen's hip. "Lo siento."

Jensen's reaches out and pats his shoulder before rubbing small circles into his back.

"I know, Cougs, I know."

\------

No one says anything when Jensen starts showing up with Cougar again, but the other Losers seem to lose some of the tightness that's formed around their eyes.

Jensen and Pooch fall easily back into an argument over something technical only they can follow while Roque, Clay, and Cougar relaxing in the patch of sunlight shining through the window.

"It was too quiet in here with just you Losers," Clay grunts after both Pooch and Jensen fill the room with the sound of their laughter.

Roque opens an eye and stares at Clay with a wicked grin before calling out to Jensen. "Clay needs a hug, think you can help him out, Jensen?"

Jensen cocks his head to the side. "He doesn't look like he's in a huggy mood."

"He's emotionally repressed, Jensen, you'll need to hug the feelings out of him."

"How about I shoot the feelings out of you, Roque?" Clay threatens, but it's too late, long arms are already wrapped around Clay who only shoves them away half-heartedly.

"Jesus Christ, Jensen, get off me! This is the Army! We don't hug in the Army!"

"Don't fight my love! Pooch! Help me out here!"

Pooch cackles and joins in, wrapping an arm around Clay. Jensen is a terrible influence.

"Do me a favor and just go with it, Colonel," Pooch urges.

"Cougar. Get him off me."

Cougar pulls his hat down and pretends to sleep.

"That's it. You're all getting traded to new teams."

Jensen voice trills out, drowning out Clay's threats. "I will name him Clay, and I will hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him!"

\------

When Cougar gets back from the range, the Losers' table has a suspicious amount of pink paper scattered over it. His team is hunched over said papers with various stages of disbelief on their faces. He whistles to catch Pooch's attention and nods towards the mess.

"Your boy dropped off invitations for us. Yours is in your locker."

Cougar nods and wanders off to his locker, noticing briefly that the once empty locker next to him now has Jensen's trident on the name plate.

Inside his locker is his very own violently pink envelope.

When Cougar wanders back into the main room, Roque immediately shoves his own scrap of pink paper in his face.

"Bro, why is there a contraband list included in a nine-year-old's birthday invitation?"

"Seriously, some of this shit is kinda weird. The Pooch does not need to be told that it's a bad idea to bring smokeless gunpowder, bleach, or francium to a little girl's birthday party."

Cougar grins.

"Think about it," Clay mutters, reading over his own list with the same concentration he uses on mission reports. "Who is she related to?"

Pooch and Roque both grow somber and exchange looks. "Those poor teachers."

Roque nods.

Clay's eyebrow rises as he flips to the second side of the list. "I'm very curious to the story behind the thermite."

"Is that seriously on here?"

"Back side, number 53," Clay grunts and Pooch flips his paper over and grimaces.

"If I ever have kids, Jensen is never coming within a hundred feet of them," Pooch mutters.

\------

The Losers all seem surprised at how unfazed Jennifer is to have a dozen screaming kids tearing through her house. She calmly sips her tea as two girls come screeching by soaked in water and holding water balloons. Jolene giggles and Clay's eyes twitch as he presses himself back against the counter and out of their way.

"Don't show fear. They can smell it a mile away," Jennifer advises.

"Vietnam was less traumatic than this," Roque mutters from his perch on a stool. "Some kid shoved a piece of cake into my shirt then cried until I got him another piece."

"Ah." Jennifer nods. "You've met Rodney. He'll do that." Jennifer squints over Roque's shoulder and frowns. "Bobby, if you pee on my house, I'll pee on you, so put it away and get to a bathroom, mister!" Jennifer yells.

Roque pales and Jennifer pats his shoulder soothingly.

"I can't believe you let these animals into your house." Pooch is quickly smacked upside the head by Jolene. "Delightful animals," Pooch corrects himself.

Jolene snorts but lets it slide.

Outside, a roar of cheers sounds, making all eyes turn to the patio door. Jensen is standing surrounded by at least a dozen wide-eyed kids holding a small white piece of paper in his hand. Cougar watches warily from the side with his left eye twitching.

"What does he think he's doing?" Jennifer hisses, stomping over to yank open her pantry door and rummage around inside it.

"It looks like he's holding paper?" Pooch says, confused. Just as Pooch says that, Jennifer emerges with a large, yellow fire extinguisher and Jensen lights a match and holds it to the paper which bursts into a ball of flame.

"Nitrocellulose. I should have known," Jennifer grinds out, walking out the back door with the extinguisher and proceeding to cover Jensen head to toe in foam. Jensen squawks and the children boo when Jennifer confiscates the rest of the pack from him.

"Or he's insane," Pooch concedes.

"That list makes a lot more sense now," Jolene agrees with a nod and a speculative look.

\------

Jolene and Jensen get along like a house on fire when they finally meet face to face.

They also set Jennifer's house on fire.

"She's never seen nitrocellulose before!" Jensen protests when Jennifer starts yelling, "I had to show her! Besides, she's a nurse, so if anyone got hurt, which they didn't, she could have fixed them."

"Well, now you and she can fix my porch."

\------

Cougar is aware that his team isn't stupid.

He knows they've probably all put one (a little grey cell phone and a confession), and one (a tech who, when wronged, inspired Cougar to permanently destroy Roque's most cherished items), together and got Jensen as an answer. That's, of course, if it wasn't already obvious after Cougar spent his first month on the team basically stalking the man in his free time.

Cougar likes his team. Trusts them. He could fucking kiss them for not making an issue out of it. But for the most part, he's just grateful that no one brings it up. Ever. Especially now that Jensen practically lives in their pockets.

So when they're huddled together in a small cave in South America to avoid the pouring rain and waiting for extraction, Cougar almost doesn't understand what the hell Clay is saying at first. Because they don't speak about it, so obviously Clay must be losing blood or talking about something else.

"Look, we're not asking for details," Clay assures. "In fact, no details. Ever. That's an order."

"Just a yes or a no," Pooch interjects, "Are you or aren't you?"

Cougar blinks.

Pooch groans and makes a motion with the hand not clutching his rifle. "Together."

"You and Jensen," Roque drawls, sounding bored with the conversation despite the way his eyes betray his curiosity. "They want to know if you two are having a big gay romance. Or maybe you just like bending the boy over or maybe you're having hi-"

Cougar's fist connects with Roque's face without thought. Roque grunts, but doesn't retaliate, simply flexing his jaw and staring at Cougar.

"Okay. I might have deserved that."

Cougar glares and Clay snorts.

"So, is that a yes?" Pooch pipes up hopefully. "Cause I _kinda_ have money riding on this."

Cougar spends the rest of the mission pretending he doesn't have a team.


	4. My plan is to ignore it. Hope it goes away.

Cougar and Roque meet Jensen's team for the first time because Jensen is late to their poker game. 

It's not the first time, or even the tenth time that Jensen has had it slip his mind. In fact, it's routine that Roque and Cougar grab their coats around five after and head over to see what has Jensen distracted.

The building where Jensen is most likely has four men exiting it just as they arrive. The men all stop and almost seem to be appraising them. Cougar feels himself unconsciously pull himself up. A oddly tense moment passes before one of the men finally steps forward with an obviously fake smile.

"Ah, if it isn't some of Clay's Losers."

The others chuckle and Cougar is tempted to roll his eyes. They've never heard _that_ before. But before he can open is mouth, the identity of the speaker suddenly clicks. Like a 7.62 NATO round to the gut, the knowledge rips through Cougar, leaving him breathless and shocked.

_This_ is the man from the chow hall. This man has the _audacity_ to-

"That's us." Roque's voice shakes Cougar from his thoughts. Roque stares back at the smiling man, arms crossed, and Cougar _knows_ Roque recognizes him too.

"You can call me Wade." Wade turns from Roque to Cougar with a leer and an oily smile. "You must be the little friends Jensen keeps running off to. He seems quite fond of you."

Cougar doesn't realize he's moving forward until Roque's hand lands on his shoulder, holding him in place.

"We got places to be, so unless you got something to say, why don't you boys keep walking." Roque's voice comes out low enough that two of Wade's men tense.

"Of course. Don't let us stand in your way," Wade says with a mocking bow before moving past them. His friends follow, and Cougar stands there, watching them go.

Roque is the first to break the silence. "Jensen." he reminds Cougar.

Cougar nods. If it wasn't for the chance that Jensen is inside the trailer, both of them wouldn't be watching the men walk away. Both of them would probably have blood on their hands. He pushes that thought to the back of his mind and forces himself toward the door.

Inside the trailer, Jensen is sitting on a crate, frowning down and fussing with the remains of what looks like it was once a laptop. Jensen doesn't notice them come in, and Cougar is relieved to see he looks unharmed. He has no illusions however, as to who is responsible for the broken computer.

"Hey, kid," Roque calls softly as he shuts the door behind him. Jensen's head pops up and he zeros in on both of them with confusion and a small smile at their presence. Cougar feels his chest tighten.

"What are you guys doing in the Tech Cave?"

Roque looks pointedly at the clock hanging on the wall and Jensen flushes when he follows his gaze. Cougar stands there, short nails biting into his palm hard enough to draw blood.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I kinda lost track of time." Cougar finds himself drifting over until he's standing next to Jensen. Jensen smiles up sadly before leaning in and resting his forehead against Cougar's stomach. "Hey, Cougs."

Cougar feels his body tense, but he forces it to relax before slowly bringing his hands up to Jensen's shoulders. He rubs one hand over Jensen's shoulder slowly.

"_¿Te encuentras bien?_"

Jensen nods against him. "Yeah."

"What happened to your computer?"

Cougar jumps a bit at the sound of Roque's voice. He'd all but forgotten about Roque in the wake of Jensen's presence. He glances over, guiltily, but doesn't move away from Jensen who continues leaning against him.

"Well, she had some pretty good firewalls, sadly they were proven to be ineffective against asshats."

Roque hums noncommittally.

Jensen smiles up at Roque weakly before frowning and studying his face. Realization seems to dawn and he sighs.

"You saw Wade, didn't you?" he asks.

Cougar nods and Roque's jaw tightens, and that's answer enough for Jensen. He presses his head back against Cougar's stomach, glasses digging into him, but Cougar ignores the pinch and urges Jensen closer with his hands. His fingers card cautiously through the short hair at the base of Jensen's neck twice before stilling.

"Can we talk about my CO later?" Jensen asks weakly. "I'm really not up to it right now."

"Of course," Roque assures him while Cougar runs his hand through Jensen's hair once more, greedily memorizing the feel. Jensen leans into it like Cougar isn't being weird and highly inappropriate, and Cougar does his best to not overthink the action of a weary man.

\------

Jensen drags the remains of his laptop along with a bag full of wires, white strips of plastic, and things Jensen refers to simply as 'computer guts' to poker night. He spends the whole walk back with his head down, rambling half-heartedly about the lack of good Vietnamese food in town and how pop culture can somehow be blamed for this injustice.

Jensen shuts up and shuts down before they enter the room the Losers have claimed as their own. He stands a few paces away from the door, holding his computer parts to his chest and staring at the door until Roque places a big hand on the back of his neck. Jensen turns to him, startled but unafraid, and Roque gives him a serious nod.

"When you're ready, you tell them."

Jensen nods before turning to Cougar, looking for confirmation.

"It is not our place," Cougar agrees with a shrug and moves to open the door.

Both Clay and Pooch catch on that Jensen is acting strange, even for Jensen, by the time he reaches the table. Both open their mouth to speak, but Roque stops Pooch by slapping his hand too forcefully on his shoulder under the guise of a greeting and Cougar stops Clay with a swift kick to the shin. Jensen seems too lost in his own head to notice any of this. Neither Pooch nor Clay pushes the issue, but they watch Jensen carefully. Neither man looks willing to let it go.

It makes Cougar want to scream at Jensen; _See? We know something is wrong, so tell us what we need to know!_ It makes Cougar want to make promises. Promises like _their bodies will never be found._

But he doesn't, because it's Jensen, and he deserves his space.

Because it's Jensen, who gave and continues to give Cougar _his_ space.

Jensen sits himself carefully between Cougar and Roque, like they're his shields from the world and he plays half-heartedly for three rounds.

Cougar and the others take $130 of Jensen's money out of concern for him. No one here will let him win unless he earns it. It's a tough form of love, but it's one Jensen can understand.

Eventually, Jensen begs out of the next round and spills his computer parts out on the table in front of him and begins to sort them into piles. If there's a rhyme or reason, Cougar can't tell what it is. Jensen keeps a lively commentary running the whole time, and even does his best to try to teach Cougar how to count cards when Roque takes half of his chips. It's unsuccessful, but Jensen is starting to smile again which is all that matters.

When three piles of metal and plastic sit neatly sorted in front of Jensen, he leans back and looks pleased with himself for a moment. He picks up a slim silver rectangle and tosses it in the air twice.

"So, Cougs and Roque had a chat with my CO today," Jensen says in a bored tone that no one buys. He tosses his toy for a third time. "You may know him better as the guy from the chow hall." Jensen sighs and looks up to meet the eyes of the others. "So, yeah. His name is Wade. And it doesn't matter, but he didn't mean for that shove to end up the way it did. He's stupid and mean, but he's not stupid or mean enough to attack a subordinate like that in a room full of witnesses. He only thought it would throw me off balance."

Cougar can hear his own teeth grind.

Clay sets his cards down carefully and taps his fingers on the back of them. "He's your CO," he says in a neutral tone. "I was never able to find out what happened to him. I assume he was held accountable for his actions?"

Jensen shrugs. "He was reprimanded. But Wade has friends in high places and I didn't feel like pushing it."

Clay nods and Pooch looks vaguely sick.

"Your CO?" Pooch sputters, as if hoping he heard wrong.

"Yeah. To be honest though, we don't really see much of each other unless we're on mission. My team doesn't really do... this," Jensen says with a sweeping gesture towards the table.

Clay pushes back from the table and crosses his arms. "I've been under the impression that you and your team do the same type of things this team does. Mainly because I have no access to any information on you or your team. Am I correct?"

"On the record? I have no idea what you're talking about, I work comms and fix the computers when the pretty blue screen won't go away. Off the record? _Duh_."

"Those guys didn't even visit you in the hospital." Pooch narrows his eyes. "How _did_ you get hurt, Jensen?"

Clay and Roque slide into their mission faces and the cards in Cougar's hands crumple beyond salvage. Jensen glances at the cards and winces.

"By a small piece of lead traveling around 1500 fps?" Jensen tosses the silver rectangle again in forced nonchalance. Cougar is tempted to snatch it out of his hands and beat him with it.

"It wasn't blue on blue, if that's what you're implying, Poochey."

"Do you trust them?" Roque asks, and no one needs him to elaborate with what.

Jensen tosses and catches the computer part once more before staring at it. "Do I trust them?" Jensen muses, turning the silver item over in his hands. "I trust them to complete the mission," he says slowly. "They're my team. I have to trust them. It's not really a choice."

No one speaks for a long time and Cougar feels his throat close as he stares at the ruined cards in front of him. He'll need to buy Pooch a new deck.

Clay and Roque sit there and stare into nothing while Pooch makes an angry sound before walking away from the table to lean against the wall.

"That's not a _team_, Jensen," Pooch spits and Jensen flinches, but keeps turning the silver object around in his hand.

"Well, it's what I got."

"Then get a new one. _Transfer_."

Jensen gives Pooch a sad smile and laughs softly.

"If we're being honest, counting me, there are about six people who can do what I can do. Three are in the wind, one is in jail, one fucks with cell phone reception on a global scale to get his kicks, and the last one makes sure the Army doesn't know what he does in his free time." Jensen rubs at his eyes wearily. "I'm good at what I do, and while I might not let my boss know _how_ good I am, I'm still really valuable. Techs are a dime a dozen. But techs with real field experience? To the Army, we're worth out weight in gold."

"What does that mean?" Clay asks carefully. This whole conversation is walking a fine line. As much as the Losers enjoy finding lines and pissing all over them, everyone here has kid gloves on.

"It means they know I'm good, but don't know that I'm a chart topper." Jensen doesn't bother to go into pointless details like, _so maybe don't tell anyone_, like most people would. Mostly because Jensen isn't most people and the Losers certainly don't qualify either.

"It means they keep a leash on anyone who shows a certain level of potential. Mostly in case we go dark side or get bribed into defecting to some other country in exchange for a yacht full of beer and titties."

"So?" Pooch's frustration is palpable.

"So, Wade holds my leash." Jensen tosses the silver part on the table and pushes up his glasses and rubs at his eyes. He speaks slowly. "Wade has friends. Friends with _power_." Jensen looks at the table in front of him with a self-deprecating smile. "And no one cares if the dog wants off the leash, because he's a dog, and dogs don't get a vote."

"Can't someone else..." Clay winces and waves his hand, Jensen's smile dims and he picks at the edge of the table. "Wade and his connections wouldn't let me go without a fight. It's like... Cougar here." Jensen nods towards Cougar. "Snipers aren't parts of teams, they're floaters. But he's part of your team, and I imagine that took some fancy footwork and a hefty price tag."

Clay nods. "It did."

For which Cougar is eternally grateful. He's seen the others. People he trained with. Seen how _old_ they look after just a few short years. Seen the different looks that develop in their eyes over time. The look that says they can't wait for the next order, the look that says maybe they'll start making their own orders, and the one that says they don't care if they make it home.

"Now imagine your chances of getting Cougs if there were only eight guys with his training in the army."

A heavy silence falls.

"So Wade hit the jackpot," Roque murmurs. "Got himself a toy that none of the other boys has, and he doesn't have to share."

Jensen nods.

"You know, I've been thinking about getting a tech of our own." Clay's says slowly. "But I'm thinking I should go for one of the deluxe editions."

"Good luck." Jensen snorts. "There are only two others besides me with the field experience, and we're all taken."

"So it'd be a challenge, right, Clay?" Roque drawls.

"You'd end up pissing off a lot of people if you tried," Pooch agrees.

"I've always liked a challenge," Clay says lazily.

Cougar feels his mouth twist up.

"Excuse me, this is all very sweet and, well, _insane_, but I feel the need to mention that you are all obviously _tripping balls_. And _insane_." Jensen looks around the room. "This is a bad idea, you get that right?"

Cougar tips back his hat and looks at Jensen with real curiosity. "Why?"

"Um, 'cause, it won't work? There isn't exactly a form you can just fill out to do this? You guys already have a perfectly good team? Wade is crazy and already hates you guys? It's not worth it?" Jensen blinks. "Do I need to go on? 'Cause I honestly expected you'd all be nodding in agreement at all that logic I so nicely laid out for you."

"We got a team, Jensen, but we could definitely use you. You proved that already," Pooch agrees.

"I got lucky," Jensen protests. "Something felt fishy, it was pure chance I figured it out in time."

"No," Pooch says with a smile. "It wasn't. You sussed out what all the guys in intel missed, because you were smart enough to _trust your gut_." Pooch's voice goes soft, like Jensen's a skittish animal he's trying to calm. "And you did it half blind, because you wanted to make sure your friends to come home safely," Pooch stresses the word friends, making Jensen swallow and look away.

Cougar is aware that he's probably Jensen's first real friend. He knows that outside of this room and Jensen's family, there aren't many, if any, people who'd give Jensen the time of day.

The Losers know this too.

They've all seen the looks Jensen gets. Seen how his _team_ treats him. But most importantly, they've all seen how he's quick to forget, and quicker to forgive. How everything about him is loud, noisy, all so very _look at me, please_; from his civvies to his conversations. How he still looks over his shoulder when they run into him on base, like he expects there to be someone else behind him that they're calling out to.

"You got us home safe, Jensen," Clay says with what Cougar would describe as fatherly affection if he was much less sane or very drunk. "You should be proud of that."

"Right. Go me. Still not a reason to be a stupid about this."

"I wouldn't mind pissing off Wade," Roque throws in.

"And I want to get you on a team that would actually have your back." Clay says firmly. "Besides, Roque, when's the last time someone threatened to strip me of my rank?"

"Almost a year. We must be gettin' old." Roque says as his face screws up in distaste.

"You are all certifiable." Jensen looks genuinely distressed, turning to Cougar with a hopeful look. "Cougs, tell them how annoying I am."

Cougar smiles, shaking his head, then he takes his hat off and drops it on Jensen's head. The others seem amused by this, but say nothing.

"I like this idea," he says simply as Jensen glances up incredulously at the hat on his head.

"Jensen, I hate to break this to you, but we've known your white ass for almost a year,." Pooch says. "Clay knows what terrible thing to order for you at every restaurant in town. Roque likes you despite the fact you _stabbed_ him. Cougs here just put his fucking hat on your head. His fucking _hat_. And I have stopped trying to get you to lose your nasty-ass orange Honda, so you _know_ the Pooch loves ya." Pooch shakes his head. "We know you. We _like_ you. Get over it."

\------

Whatever Clay's master plan for getting Jensen on their team is, it's kept quiet. If it wasn't for the fact that Clay was buried in paperwork with a foul mood more often than usual, Cougar would doubt he even had a plan. But Clay _never_ does paperwork. As he is fond of reminding people, that's what Roque is for.

**\------**

On Monday Jolene swings by the base seemingly for the sole purpose of having a hushed conversation with Jensen.

She and Jensen spend almost an hour speaking in quiet tones and shooing the others away when they get too close.

Finally, a decision seems to be reached and Jensen flashes Cougar a thumbs up and takes a duffle bag from Jolene and heads for the locker room. After a moment Jensen bounces out wearing what appears to be bloody scrubs and a hospital ID badge.

"What-"

"Don't do it man, don't open that can of worms," Roque cuts Cougar off firmly.

"I love my wife, but some things are better let unknown," Pooch agrees.

Cougar looks over to Clay, who's watching with a furrowed brow as Jolene carefully cuts at Jensen's scrubs with a pair of scissors.

"Boss?"

"My plan is to ignore it. Hope it goes away."

"It's cute how they think we can't hear them," Jolene says with a pointed look at Pooch as she straightens out Jensen's outfit. "You ready?"

"I was born ready."

Jolene grins, grabbing her purse and throwing a kiss to Pooch as she ushers Jensen out the door.

"Baby?" Pooch calls hesitantly.

"I'll see you at home, Pooch, but I gotta go now if this is gonna work." She pauses, bitting her lip. "Well, if I'm not home by six you should probably put together bail, yeah? Remember to bring enough for Jensen too! Love you!"

Before anyone can reply both Jolene and Jensen are out the door. The Losers watch from the window as Jolene and Jensen break into an actual _run_ towards Jolene's car and the cold reality of the kind of mayhem Jensen and Jolene might be about to unleash slowly sinks in.

"Anyone else feel like this is gonna end _really_ badly?" 

\-----

It does not in fact end badly, and no one needs bail.

No one's really sure how it ends or what actually happened and Jolene and Jensen aren't talking to anyone about it.

"There were no arrests." Roque points out.

"Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, son." Clay says when Pooch looks ready to argue.

\------

Being on a team like the Losers comes with learning to navigate a veritable minefield of _Things We Do Not Fucking Acknowledge, Ever_.

Anytime there is a new member added to a team, things change. Pooch calls it the Honeymoon Phase.

The Honeymoon Phase is this: a new member is added, and for 365 days everyone holds their breath, sleeps with one eye open, and hopes they make it to day 366 without anyone stepping on a hidden land mine that ends up getting them and everyone else killed.

Because people who do what they do? Tend to have _issues_. And living in each other's pockets on and off mission? Tends to mean they get to know a lot more about each other than anyone is comfortable knowing.

It means they see each other at their best, their worst, and their weirdest.

It means they know exactly what not to say to someone in anger. It means they say it anyway, because someone is breathing too _loud_ and they've all gone forty hours without sleep and the only other option is to kill someone and then the mission would fail and everyone will die.

In a weird way it's the only option they really have, and this way only a _little_ blood is spilled.

But then, they all still have to see each other every fucking day, still have to rely on each other to get home mostly in one piece. This means they all learn to get over it. If they can't, one of them leaves. Body bags optional, as Clay told Cougar when he joined.

So they learn to deal with the good and the bad.

The weird takes work, but they learn that, too.

They figure things out the hard way most of the time, like, how _does_ one react if Pooch rolls over and spoons you in his sleep? Do you ignore it? Wake him up? What if he starts to grind against you and call you Jolene? What is the protocol if you don't get away or stop him fast enough and something damp starts seeping into the back of your shirt?

They learn things like, if Clay is in a room with twelve women, he will piss off eight, incite two to try to kill him, have one hire someone else to kill him, and will marry the last one. The one he marries will then attempt to kill them all or try to sleep with them all to spite Clay.

They understand things like the fact that Cougar is territorial. That his family and Jensen are not up for discussion. That touching his rifle or his hat without express written permission leads to outright violence or passive aggressive tantrums that last for days. (Cougar would argue the term tantrum, but Jensen agrees with Roque on this point, so he lets it slide.) They also learn that the best way to stop either reaction is to keep the fuck away and find Jensen. Preferably Jensen _with_ chocolate bars.

They discover that Roque's back is covered in scars, and that no one gets to ask where they came from. They learn he only volunteers any information to pretty young things at a bar. They learn to stop trying to eavesdrop because the stories change every time and are often dull to the point even the women get bored. They learn, well, Pooch learns for them all, that they definitely don't try to touch the scars.

They get to a point that they're willing to do anything for each other. Where they're ready to do anything for the people that matter to their teammates because they start to matter to them too.

So when Jennifer calls Clay's cell, Clay politely doesn't bother mentioning he never gave her the number. He lets her yell at him to get his crew to her house, _like, yesterday,_ before he allows her to hang up on him.

"Trouble at Jennifer's. Not sure what," is all he says before unholstering and dropping his mag. Satisfied, he slaps it back in and heads for his car. Pooch and Cougar follow with no questions. The ride is a tense one, more so when neither Roque nor Jensen will answer their phones.

\-----

When no one answers the first knock at her door, everyone unholsters and Clay takes point after Pooch kicks down the door.

They clear the small blue house room by room only to end up doing double-takes in the living room at a very drunk and shirtless Roque sitting there and letting a very drunk Jensen study the scars on his back. At least ten beer bottles and a bottle of whiskey lay scattered around them. Cougar is torn between shooting Roque preemptively and dragging Jensen to safety before Roque realizes what's going on.

No one is sure what to say or do except reholster and not think about how Jennifer will react to the broken door with a foot print on it.

Things only get weirder when they notice the tiny ball of fur cradled in Roque's arms.

"That is one ugly fucking scar," Jensen murmurs, tracing a long, jagged line down Roque's back with a unsteady finger. A sleepy puppy rolls its head to the side looking at the other Losers before curling back up in Roque's arms. Roque shifts carefully to support its new position.

Roque nods his head. "I had a... I had girl take a picture. So I could see it once," he slurs, turning to face Jensen, but stopping when he sees them standing awkwardly in the doorway.

"The guys. They're here," Roque tells Jensen. Jensen stops tracing scars and blinks up at them before nodding and returning to his work.

"Did you keep the picture?"

"Burned it."

Neither man seems to care about their audience and Roque doesn't seem to be thinking about hurting Jensen for taking liberties so Cougar allows himself to relaxes a bit.

Cougar can't speak for the others, but he feels trapped. Unable to move, unable to look away.

"That's fine. You got enough memories here," Jensen says with a pat over a cluster of scars. "It's all you need. Don't need no more." Jensen proceeds to awkwardly strip off his own shirt. Roque turns, glassy-eyed, and watches.

"See, I only have this from mine." Jensen twists, turning his back mostly towards Roque. "I think the girl had worse ones. I never really got to see. Didn't wanna see."

A long line of starbursts the size of a cigar end make their way down Jensen's back in three uneven rows Cougar wasn't aware even existed.

"They're always meaner to girls," Roque says, reaching out to brush over a line with his thumb. "I hated those," he says sadly. "Felt like they still burned even after they shouldn't."

"I know, right?"

"All at once?"

Pooch makes a strangled sound at Roque's question and clenches his hands into fists. Cougar looks over at Clay, standing expressionless and still enough to look like he isn't breathing. Cougar wonders absently what he must look like.

Jensen shakes his head hard enough he wobbles a bit and Roque clumsily grabs a hold of him to steady him while trying to keep the puppy balanced in his other arm.

"One every time I couldn't climb away quick enough."

"You climbed?"

"Yup." Jensen holds up a hand and with forced steadiness ticks off his fingers one by one. "Trees. Book cases. The fucking house." Jensen looks down at his three fingers and frowns. "Felt like there was more. But that's it. Just got high enough so the fat bastard couldn't follow me."

"I was a hider. Beds, cabinets, closets."

"Couldn't he, like, pull you out?" Jensen asks with a scrunched up face.

"Sometimes. Depended. Bed was the safest, it was a big bed."

Jensen nods, leaning back against the wall. "Sounds nice. If I had one of those, I bet I totally would have been a bed hider, ya know?"

Roque nods back like some great wisdom was shared, leaning right next to him. "No bed?"

"Nah. I had one when I was like this big," Jensen says, holding his hand off the floor to demonstrate, "but I did something wrong, don't remember what it was, but he threw it away."

"If I knew you, you coulda hid with me under mine. 's plenty of room back then. That girl could have come too."

Jensen smiles up dopily at Roque like he promised him the moon.

Cougar jumps when a hand touches his elbow, and looks back to find Jennifer watching him. Pooch and Clay are nowhere to be found.

"Kitchen," she says simply, before turning and walking away.

Cougar follows, looking back twice.

Clay and Pooch sit on Jennifer's kitchen stools, glasses of lemonade lined up in front of them. Pooch twitches somewhere between confusion and guilt, but Jennifer waves a hand and pushes herself up to sit on the island counter.

"Don't worry about it. I was too vague, and doors can be replaced."

Pooch nods, looking down. "I'll pay for-"

"Are you dumb or deaf, Linwood?" Jennifer snaps, and Pooch pales slightly before murmuring an apology.

"What happened?"

Jennifer swings her legs and shrugs at Clay. "They showed up with the puppy. Wanted to give it to Beth once they cleaned it up."

"Cleaned it up?"

"They didn't give details, but the poor thing's side was bleeding." Jennifer bites her lips and nods towards the living room where the faint sound of voices can be heard. "Both of those boys have raw knuckles. I'm guessing whoever hurt the dog got his karmic payback a bit early."

"Is Beth going to keep it?" Pooch asks suddenly, making Jennifer turn and stare.

"If I can pry it from Roque's hands anytime this year, yes." Jennifer waves a hand. "Normally, I wouldn't have called. Just would have put them to bed and let them sleep it off, butÖ" Jennifer runs a hand through her hair and sighs. "They helped themselves to my whiskey and beer before I got home. I have three of Beth's friends sleeping over tonight, and have no desire to mix nine-year-old girls and drunken soldiers who are taking a walk down repressed memory lane. Even _if_ puppies are involved."

"Understood," Clay assents. "You were right to call."

Jennifer rolls her eyes and Cougar can see Pooch and Clay smile faintly at the obvious family resemblance before she sobers.

"Take care of them, okay?" Jennifer's eyes focus on her hands in her lap. Clay and Pooch give their promises and stand to make their way to the living room. Cougar rests his hand gently on Jennifer's as he passes.

"Thank you," she whispers and Cougar tips his hat and follows his team.

"Cougs, you mind getting Jensen home in his car?" Cougar shakes his head and Clay nods, eyes drifting to the corner where Roque has thrown an arm around Jensen, pulling him closer. Jensen doesn't seem to mind, petting absently at the puppy also being held to Roque's chest. "Good. Pooch and I will give Roque a lift."

Both are large men, tall, muscled, with personalities just as big, but right now, they look incredibly small to Cougar in a way he's never noticed. In a way Cougar never again wants to notice. They're leaning so far into each other that he isn't sure who's holding up whom, and both look too lost and too small to fill their own skins.

When Clay goes over and crouches in front of them, speaking soft and low, both press harder into the other. They don't look scared, but they look exposed in a way that makes Cougar tempted to look away. Pooch joins Clay, holding his hand out, and eventually Roque nods at something they say and slowly offers the puppy to Pooch.

"Be careful with him," Jensen urges and Pooch smiles, using exaggerated care to hold the puppy.

"I will," Pooch promises. "The Pooch is good with little pooches."

"You really will be. Can't wait till you have your own. You'll be real good at it," Jensen slurs out and Pooch looks stricken before he forces a smile.

"Thanks, buddy." He motions to the little dog. "I'm gonna give this little guy to Jennifer so she can give him a bath, okay?"

Roque looks hesitant until Jensen pats his knee reassuringly.

They won't talk about this. It's another team thing, an obscure unspoken rule that's been passed down for so fucking long that no one cares if it's really the best thing to do anymore. They're all old dogs. New tricks aren't likely at this point in their lives, and in their line of work, they all learn to make do with what they have.

Cougar sees the same helpless thought reflected on Clay's face as he helps Roque stand. But the moment Clay catches Cougar looking, the look is gone.

Cougar returns his attention to Jensen, helping him pull his bright purple shirt back over his head and helping him thread his arms into the holes. Jensen struggles for a moment then gives Cougar a brilliant smile when he succeeds. It's a smile Cougar can't return. Because he wasn't prepared for this, and he's not sure he wants to pretend it never happened.

Jensen tugs down his shirt, smoothing it with his hands with the exaggerated care people adopt when they know they're drunk, but want to seem fine. Somehow, that makes it worse. Cougar's hands catch Jensen's on the third smoothing motion, gripping tightly enough it must hurt. Cougar squeezes harder.

"You're not okay," Cougar says quietly, making Jensen still and look down at him in confusion. Cougar forgets the height difference most of the time. Jensen rarely lets him notice, always sprawled or walking with hunched over posture. Always making his larger frame look smaller, and as unthreatening as possible. Jensen only stands at his full height when he's distracted or preparing to shed blood.

"No. None of us are." Jensen frowns and touches two fingers to the tip of Cougar's hat, tilting it up a little and staring at his eyes. "I didn't show him the scar you gave me."

Cougar flinches, but doesn't look away. "I..." Cougar trails off, because there isn't an apology good enough.

"Are you worried about me, Cougar?"

"_Yes_."

"I worry about you, too." Jensen smiles sadly. "I worry you'll fall and not let anyone know until you've already hit the ground."

Cougar doesn't move as Jensen pushes his fingers against Cougar's hat until it moves up and off his head, falling to hit the carpet behind them.

"It's all very sad, isn't it?" Jensen whispers.


	5. The bald man speaks the truth.

Cougar takes Jensen to his apartment. He's not sure why, especially when he has a key to Jensen's place, but it feels like the thing to do.

"I kinda thought you didn't have a place," Jensen says absently as Cougar unlocks his door.

"You didn't look it up?" Cougar asks, honestly surprised. He assumed Jensen knew everything about this place, from to the floor plan down too how much rent Cougar pays.

"That'd be an invasion of privacy," Jensen says, seemingly offended at the suggestion. Cougar resists the urge to laugh.

"But phones and medical records aren't?"

"No, those were important. I wanted to know," Jensen says like Cougar's the one being weird.

Cougar nods like that makes sense to anyone but Jensen and motions him inside.

"It's very... Spartan," Jensen says sadly, looking around.

Cougar rolls his eyes. So says the man with a couch, some photos, and too many computers.He looks around his apartment. There's a small wooden dinner table, his recliner, two bookcases, his gun safe, and his record player spread out between the front two rooms. "I don't need much."

"Yes, you do," Jensen insists, shaking his head.

Cougar studies the other man a moment before shrugging. He moves towards the hall, not bothering to tell Jensen to follow. If only out of curiosity, Jensen will follow.

"Where are we going?"

"Bedroom."

"Yours?"

Cougar ignores the curl in his stomach and shakes his head and opens the door across from his own room. "Yours."

Jensen enters the room and frowns. Cougar looks around curiously. It's maybe a little dusty, but clean nonetheless. There's a bed with the homemade quilt Cougar can no longer bring himself to sleep with, two bedside tables, and a small dresser crammed into the room. Nothing to be upset about. He raises an eyebrow in question.

"But where do I sleep?"

Cougar nods toward the bed. Jensen's frown deepens and Cougar smiles gently when he realizes the problem. "I have no couch for you. So. Bed."

"I like my couch."

"It is a good couch. But try the bed."

Jensen studies the bed cautiously before nodding and face planting on it, still fully dressed.

"Where will you be?" Jensen looks up sleepily and Cougar points to the door across the hall.

"Come get me if you need anything, yes?"

Jensen nods and buries his face back in the quilt.

**\------**

The second time Cougar goes to check on Jensen, the bed is empty. It's not hard to find Jensen, however, stretched out in front of the bed wrapped up in Cougar's quilt. He debates trying to get Jensen back in the bed, but decides against it. He'd only find Jensen on the floor the next time he checked up on him. Cougar settles instead for setting a bottle of water on the floor and grabbing a pillow from the bed to place under Jensen's head. Nothing about Jensen's breathing or posture changes when Cougar kneels next to him or when his head is lifted. This is the only clue Cougar needs to tell that Jensen is awake.

"_Hola_," Cougar murmurs, and Jensen's eyes snap open to meet his. A frown follows as Cougar slides the pillow under his head.

"Shouldn't sneak up on a sleeping person, Cougar."

Cougar shakes his head, lowering Jensen's head to the pillow. "You would not sleep on the couch at Jennifer's if you were truly a threat."

"They know better than to do anything," Jensen grouses. "_They_ aren't stupid."

"Neither am I," Cougar insists. He fluffs the pillow twice, "Can I convince you to take the bed?"

"Can I convince you to show up to work in pigtails tomorrow?"

Cougar snorts and stands to leave, hearing a quiet murmur of thanks before he closes the door.

**\------**  
_PLEASE TELL ME YOU OWN LEATHER PANTS._

The text comes at 2300 hours, rousing Cougar from his sleep. It takes him a while to decide if he should bother responding.

_i do. why?_ Cougar eventually sends.

_PUT EM ON AND MEET ME HERE. KEEP YOUR HAIR DOWN, K? JOLENE SAYS SO._

A second text quickly follows with an address.

Cougar stares at both messages before calling Jensen.

_"Dude, you and your pants just scored me $20 from Jolene! You almost ready?"_ Jensen says instead of hello, because he's Jensen, and why use one word when he could use a dozen.

"Whatever you are doing is a bad idea."

_"Nah, man! It's a great idea. If it wasn't would Pooch and Roque be on board? I think not! We're all waiting for you, so chop chop!"_

_"¿Qué estás haciendo?"_ Cougar groans.

_"I'll explain when you get here. But you have to hurry."_

"No."

_"Come on! I'll buy you some Coldstone's..."_

Cougar sighs and makes peace with his defeat. "Hair down?"

_"Yup."_

"I am not leaving my hat," he says before hanging up on Jensen.

**\------**

Cougar wasn't sure what to expect, but he definitely hadn't expected to pull up to an abandoned lot near Clay's house and see the Bad Idea Twins, Pooch, _and_ Roque standing around Roque's truck in long coats. Jensen waves happily when he sees Cougar's truck pull up and motions him to hurry over.

"You look almost perfect," Jolene praises when he joins them, "but you'll need to lose the shirt."

Cougar looks questioningly from Jolene to Pooch, who shrugs looking confused.

"Why?" Cougar says, narrowing his eyes and crossing his arms.

"Don't worry, you won't be alone," Jolene assures him.

"She isn't lying. And don't ask, 'cause she, Roque, and Jensen aren't telling us anything," Pooch says as he takes off his jacket revealing his bare chest, tight jeans, and what looks like a dog collar around his neck. Pooch shrugs when Cougar gives him a look.

"I'm _married_ to her. It's in my best interest to do as she says and not ask questions." Pooch grimaces. "Even if it means going to Pet Co. to get a dog collar."

Jensen and Roque follow suit, removing their own jackets. Roque is shirtless with black pants and Jensen has what appears to be a mesh t-shirt on and a pair of jeans that look one size too small. Cougar forces his eyes up and does his best to glare at Jensen.

Jolene and Jensen should never be left to their own devices, much less let Roque join in the planning.

"This isn't just my fault," Jensen says preemptively. "Besides, the whole S&M vibe was Jolene's idea. But we're doing this with _good_ intentions, and those good intentions need you to be in just your leather pants, so hurry up or no ice cream."

Cougar hates himself a little, but he begins to unbutton his shirt anyways. The crazy here is obviously deep enough there's no point in arguing. Besides, free ice cream. He's going to make them mix in _every_ type of chocolate in the store.

Jensen starts humming happily while helping Jolene out of her coat. Jolene nods her thanks and brushes invisible dirt off her shoulder, standing regally in only a corset, heels, and a tiny skirt. Pooch beams proudly.

When the jackets and Cougar's shirt are loaded into Roque's truck, Jolene opens her purse.

"I brought goodies for Cougar and you, baby, but don't lose them," Jolene says before handing a cat o' nine tail to Pooch and a handcuffs to Cougar. "Hook the cuffs onto the belt loops of your pants, Cougs."

Cougar does as he's told and wonders what his life would have been like if he'd joined the Air Force.

"Jensen and Roque don't get any?" Pooch asks while examining the whip curiously, flicking it at Jensen who yelps and takes cover behind Roque. "And do I want to know where you got this, Jo?"

"Roque doesn't need props and Jensen came prepared." Jolene smiles and pats Pooch's cheek. "Don't ask any questions you don't want to know the answer to."

**\------**

A woman opens Clay's door, and suddenly some of Jolene and Jensen's plan makes sense. _Especially_ if this started out as Roque's idea. The woman at the door doesn't look insane, which only solidifies Cougar's belief that she must be. Perhaps this _is_ all for a good cause.

The worst ones are always the ones no one sees coming.

"Can I..." She looks them all over carefully. "Help you?"

"Speak," Jolene says regally, nudging Jensen with her whip.

"We're here to for the party, Mistress," Jensen says with a bend of his neck.

The woman's eyes widen and she gives them a pained smile. "You have the wrong address."

"But we don't, I'm sure of it. We've been to the house of Franklin 'The Prince of Pain' Clay before, Mistress," Jensen says digging into his pocket. "We even brought his favorite toys," Jensen says, pulling out a small taser and turning it on to crackle mere inches from the woman's face.

The woman recoils, looking pale. "Franklin Clay?"

"The Prince of Pain," Jensen says, nodding solemnly.

The woman nods once and looks over the group before wandering into the house, leaving the door open behind her.

Jensen turns to Cougar with a wince. "Okay, so this may have gone horribly wrong, and I'm really hoping that wasn't an invitation in, 'cause I'm not willing to take this bit that far."

Before anyone can answer Jensen, the woman returns with her purse and jacket in hand and gives them all a tight smile before brushing past them and hastily making her way to her car.

Clay shows up looming in the doorway as she pulls away in her car. Jensen just grins at Clay, which causes Clay's scowl to deepen.

"We're helping!"

"_Jensen_."

"And look! A taser," Jensen says turning it on for Clay to see.

"_Jensen_." Clay repeats.

"This was not _my_ idea. Kind of. Well, a little bit. But it was Roque who asked for our help."

"She's a person of interest in two murders, and I don't want to break in a new CO when I finally got done with you," Roque says with a shrug.

"I'm not sure how yet, but you'll pay for this," Clay growls, the tips of his ears turning pink.

"It's for the best, Clay," Jolene says seriously. "She was crazy."

Clay levels her with a look before stepping back and slamming the door in their faces. "You're _all_ crazy." Clay shouts through the door. "I'm _surrounded_ by crazy."

"You're welcome," Jensen calls back.

"Some people have _no_ manners," Jolene says with a shake of her head.

**\------**

Around the beginning of the month Cougar starts to get bags under his eyes that are bad enough that even Roque starts to give him looks.

Halfway through the month he remembers getting into Jensen's car. When he wakes up, still in the bright orange car, he's leaning against Jensen's shoulder and Jensen is singing along softly to the radio.

Cougar blinks twice, looking around the residential area the the car is parked in. "Where are we?"

"Three blocks or so away from my place. You knocked out a while ago so I figured I'd let you get some sleep away from the noise of the bar."

The clock on the dash says it's been five hours since they left base. Five hours he really needed, but five hours that probably made Jensen climb the walls. Cougar sighs, opening his mouth to speak when Jensen cuts him off.

"You needed it, man. You've been looking like shit lately, so I want you to shut up and say thank you and not tell me I'm an idiot." Jensen says as he stretches, rolling his neck and shoulders with a wince. "If you wanna make it up to me you can sit through some Firefly reruns and walk on my back. I strongly suspect these seats were made for something decidedly not human shaped in mind." Jensen mutters as he cracks his back for the third time.

**\------**

Jensen's not sure whose great idea it was or what the occasion was, but when he and Pooch get back from the motor pool, Roque and Cougar are sitting at their small table pounding back shots in silence and generally looking like miserable wrecks. Cougar's face is buried sleepily in is arms while Roque stares off into space. Most of the liquid in bottle in front of them is missing.

"Right. So, this isn't depressing at all," Jensen stage whispers to Pooch.

Roque tries and fails, twice, to swat Pooch's hand away when he reaches for their mostly empty bottle. Pooch easily outmaneuvers Roque and plucks the bottle off the table. He takes one look at the label and holds it distastefully between two fingers for Jensen to see.

"So depressing," Pooch agrees with a grimace. "This isn't even close to the good stuff. We're doing you sorry bastards a favor."

"Seriously, I'm pretty sure they sell better booze at the dollar store."

Roque and Cougar don't argue this, but after Roque's too fast lunge for the bottle results in him throwing up on Pooch's pants, it no longer matters. One look at his pants and Roque and Cougar are quickly escorted from the room by an angry Pooch. The empty bottle is thrown in the general direction of Roque's head.

Dutifully, Jensen follows the unsteady duo out of the trailer and away from the smell of bile and cheap booze as he bounces back and forth between the staggering men doing his best to keep them both upright.

Jensen happily declares himself the government-appointed drunk wrangler which gets him two raised eyebrows and absolutely none of the respect he feels he's due.

"I'm bored," Roque whines.

"Wanna play charades with me, drunken Roque?" Roque glares at Jensen who sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "Well, bumpers cars are out, Roque is anti-charades, so..." Jensen scratches his chin thoughtfully. "Rec room okay with you guys? Who am I kidding! It doesn't matter what you two think!"

With a smile and a bounce in his step that makes both of the other men nauseous, Jensen herds them into the closest recreation room.

Between the shitty equipment and it being oh-dark-thirty, it's guaranteed to be one of the least likely places to run into anyone. And if Jensen has any goal tonight, it's to make sure Roque and Cougar don't get seen by anyone who can bust them down to PFCs.

That, and getting blackmail material.

With a fair amount of effort, a few half-hearted death threats from Roque, a slightly more bitchy than normal look from Cougar, and one new recruits' sanity later, they're in the newly emptied rec room.

Roque sits himself down in front of the tiny TV showing a football game, menacing the screen, or whatever it is that makes Roque smile like that. It can't be the football. Jensen knows how strongly Roque feels about any wussy sport that doesn't end in _all_ participants in the hospital. He once suggested manning up the game by giving spears to the players. Actual _spears_.

What worried Jensen more was that Roque seemed to actually consider his comment that if the football players got spears, there should also be man-eating lions.

Jensen is still contemplating the deep dark pointy object and puppy loving-crazy that is Roque when Cougar has enough of being ignored. Cougar reaches out and hauls Jensen over to a pool table by his arm like he's a lost child.

Both Cougar and Roque are surprisingly tactile drunks.

"We play," Cougar grunts, pushing a cue into Jensen's hand. Jensen wisely holds back any commentary and sets up the table.

Cougar and Roque are also strangely scary drunks. If only for the fact they actually drank a whole bottle of that swill and can do anything at all. Jensen's used paint thinner that had less toxic fumes.

**\------**

They're well into their fifth game, and close to Jensen's fifth win, when they get an audience. It's just one person, a Hispanic man with a _righteous_ mustache. Jensen nods to him when he enters and he nods back. Their extremely manly greeting out of the way, Jensen returns to his game. The new addition smells a little like he's also been hitting the bottle, but he seems calm enough, leaning against the wall watching their game.

When their observer is still standing there, staring at them, after the seventh game, Jensen's had enough of his creepy stalker routine.

"Hey, buddy, we're probably gonna be here for a while," Jensen calls across the table. "Might wanna check out another table." Jensen pointedly nods toward the two empty tables next to them.

"Not your buddy, _joto_."

Jensen isn't sure what _joto_ means, but when it gets tossed out with sharp eyes and a cruel smile, it's apparently enough to turn laid-back-caveman Cougar into angry-pushy Cougar.

Cougar growls, shoving at the man before Jensen even has time to figure out how things got so pear shaped so quickly.

Mustache is laughing as he shoves back at Cougar. "You got a problem with the truth, _mamaverga_?" the mustached man says with a smirk.

Cougar responds by pulling back and punching the man. It's a sloppy punch, too telegraphed thanks to the alcohol in Cougar's system, and the man only laughs when it connects. Jensen does his best to grab hold of Cougar's shoulder, pulling him back and away from the other man and putting himself between them. Hands stretched out to keep them both at bay, he keeps his eyes trained on the mustached stranger.

"Hey, cool it, both of you, come on let's j-" Pain blossoms in Jensen's gut and his grip on Cougar falters enough for the tiny fucker to escape while Jensen does his best to _just keep breathing_.

Fucking hell. Fucking Cougar and his anorexic little elbows getting cozy with his kidneys. Next time his skinny ass decides to get wasted _on base,_ he can damn well look after himself.

"Gotta watch the elbows when he's angry." Jensen glares up to see Roque watching Cougar with something close to amusement in his eyes. "Texted the team." Roque waves his cell phone at Jensen proudly.

Roque continues to look at Jensen expectantly much longer than necessary.

It takes a moment to remember how much drunk Roque enjoys being praised for his good work.

This _cannot_ be Jensen's life.

"Um, good work?" Jensen wheezes, standing up and putting his hands on his hips. "Watch the elbows. Good to know." Jensen shakes his head at the rapid fire Spanish Cougar and the other man trade. Apparently, a drunk Cougar can get fucking _verbose_.

"I'm only following a little, but they're not talking about a football game, are they?"

Pooch appears at the door with new pants, tilting his head to assess the scene before walking over to join them.

"I think Cougar said something about splitting milk," Roque tells Jensen with a grin, before plopping down on the floor.

"Thank you, Roque, you're so helpful and amazing right now, and I'm totally not lying to you," Jensen mutters before unbuttoning his BDU side pocket. Roque looks pleased with himself and the world in general.

Jensen mutters to himself, pulling out a large roll of green cable.

"What the hell is going on, why is our boy in a shoving match? Is that..?" Pooch's bitching tapers off when he sees what Jensen is holding.

"No idea, Cougar is being elbowy towards my tender belly so he can suffer through some shoving for a while, and yes, this is thirty feet of ethernet cable. Never leave home without it. _Hooah_!

"I'm gonna skip over why you carry that on your person and ask wh-"

A loud crack fills the room and they turn to see that Cougar and the snarling man have stopped shoving at each other and are trading blows again.

"Shit." Jensen sighs and turns to Pooch. "Can you and Roque make sure Coug's buddy over there doesn't bash my head in?"

Roque rolls his eyes and pulls himself off the floor while Pooch nods. "We got your back." Pooch frowns briefly and adjusts his statement, "I got your back. If Roque was less drunk, he'd have it too."

Roque nods and whispers ominously, "The bald man speaks the truth."

Jensen should have joined the Navy. Shit like this probably doesn't happen on boats.

Ignoring that thought, Jensen takes a deep breath and shakes out his body. He can do this. Eye of the tiger, and all that jazz. With that he's turning and launching himself at Cougar, knocking him down onto the floor while Roque and Pooch place themselves in between them and Cougar's pal.

Jensen takes two blows to his stomach for his efforts before he gets Cougar pinned face down, arms behind him.

"I swear to Zod, Cougs, you hit me again and I'm melting down our BFF necklaces and never buying you chocolate again," Jensen grits out, transferring his knee to Cougar's back and both of Cougar's wrists to one hand. He fumbles for the cable and a foot shoots back, knocking Jensen forward with a grunt. Of course Cougar's an angry, scrappy drunk. Having a calm or happy drunk would be too easy, and Jensen's life is _never_ easy.

Jensen brings the roll up to his mouth and breaks the elastic band wrapped around the cable with his teeth wincing as it responds by attacking his mouth, "Fucking. Ow. Stay still, you drunk little shit!" he hisses, licking the side of his mouth and holding on to the end while dropping the roll. He starts to deftly wrap the cable around Cougar's wrists, and in a few moments both are individually wrapped and then bound together. "We are so having a talk about this later," Jensen growls.

Cougar hisses as his arms are jerked back roughly and spews angry Spanish at Jensen who ignores him to wrap cable down and around Cougar's elbows.

Cougar tries to buck him off, but Jensen yanks his arms back till the pain makes Cougar go still.

"Now, can I trust you to stop kicking me and start acting like a grown ass man and not a six year old?" Cougar twists his head back as best he can and glares. "I'm guessing that was a 'no, no, I can't act my goddamn age, Jensen. Why do you put up with my psychotic Mexican ass?'" Jensen mutters as he unrolls more cord and starts to stand, removing his knee only to replace it with a foot when Cougar tries to roll away.

"Are you brain damaged? You really think this is a good idea?"

"He is gonna to kill you," Roque taunts merrily, making Jensen turn to glare at him.

"Yeah, well, he can stand in line."

Cougar starts spitting out angry Spanish and Jensen gleefully pulls back on the cord, pulling Cougar's arms up and away till Cougar stops.

"Yeah. Keep it up, I can do this all day." Cougar twists his neck and glares, but says nothing. "Now, let's get something straight, I'm sore from you trying to tenderize my kidneys, I'd appreciate it if we could all just take a deep bre-" Cougar rolls slightly to the side and _spits_ on the floor by Jensen's feet. Jensen blinks, snaps his jaw closed and nods, lips tight. "Okay, then. Plan B. B for bitch, which is what you are being."

Roque, the bastard he is, laughs. Jensen makes a mental note to upload the video of him wearing the fairy wings from Beth's birthday to every computer on base. Maybe layer a Taylor Swift song over it.

Gritting his teeth, Jensen applies more pressure with his foot pushing Cougar face down on the floor. The thwack Cougar's head makes is probably a little bit too satisfying. With one hand still holding the cord binding Cougar's arms, Jensen unrolls the rest of the cord and uses his other hand to loop the cord around Cougar's feet.

"Are you..." Roque frowns, "hog tying him?"

"With a computer cable," Pooch crows. "Roque's right, he's gonna shoot you."

Jensen spares a moment to give Pooch a sour look. He grunts and finishes securing the cord around Cougar's feet before stepping away to examine his work.

Cougar immediately rolls over to his back and struggles to sit up, wrists bound together and arms tied as close together as they can get with green cable. There's maybe four feet of loose cord hanging down to where both of Cougar's boots are bound to each other with the rest of the cable. Cougar glares, doing his best to let everyone know how unhappy he is with this, and how everyone is going to get shot, like, really, a lot.

Jensen isn't fazed. He's seen that look a hundred times and has yet to be shot by Cougar. Jensen rotates his shoulder up and around with a wince. He looks around for a moment and frowns, "Where's the mustache guy?"

Roque shrugs. "I convinced him he had better places to be." Roque watches Cougar attempt and fail to stand up twice with a grin.

Pooch gets a pained look on his face. "I don't want to know how you know how to do that, do I? That's not like some freaky computer sex camp thing, right?"

"No, it's not a kinky thing." Jensen sighs. "More like something I figured out worked well if I was in a pinch in Argentina last year. It's surprisingly sturdy stuff."

"I'm almost impressed," Pooch concedes.

"Too bad you were too busy sitting on your ass or I could have shown you how to do it first hand," Jensen grouses while rubbing at his shoulder.

Pooch snorts like Jensen is the dramatic one here, and not the tied up ball of drunken fury trying to glare his way to an aneurism.

Jensen bends, reaching over to pick Cougar's hat off the floor and dust it off. As soon as it's in his hands, Cougar mutters something under his breath and Jensen's eyes narrow.

Cougar just smirks up at him.

Jensen scrunches up his face and sticks out his tongue at him. "I don't like drunk you. Drunk you is a jerk."

"What's going on here?"

Jensen looks up to see Clay standing in the door way with a pained look.

"Jensen, I'm assuming there is a reason my sniper is tied up. One I could repeat to others if asked."

"Don't worry, everyone kept their pants on." Jensen gives Clay his best smile and flips him off with both hands, because _fuck him!_

Jensen's not even on this team and he's cleaning up their messes.

Pooch smiles at Jensen while gesturing down to Cougar. "Dude. You deserve the cowboy hat more than him right now."

Cougar's glare becomes downright poisonous as Jensen holds up said hat and considers it.

"Well...You do have a point..." Jensen drawls, meeting Cougar's look with a smile as he settles his hat on his own head. Roque's laugh becomes a bellow and Cougar's face turn red. Jensen's probably going to regret this, but this moment is worth it.

"Okay, okay." Clay shakes his head with a wry smile. "Cougar, you're gonna let Jensen take you home and sleep this off. We'll talk about you getting blitzed in uniform and on base tomorrow." Clay's voice holds room for no argument and Cougar nods, somehow managing to look unrepentant.

Clay's face relaxes a little and he looks over at Roque, "Oh, and Roque, the proper response to a fight is not to text me a picture of it. We'll be talking as well." With that, Clay practically saunters out.

"You texted him a picture of the fight?"

"We needed help and the buttons were tiny." Roque holds up his hands and wiggles his fingers at Jensen. "And my fingers are _giant_," Roque says in an awed tone before glancing up at the hat on Jensen's head. "Looks good on you, bro."

Jensen tips the hat and winks, "Thank ya kindly, ma'am."

"I'd cut you for that. But then who would get Cougar home?" Roque says in a taunting tone as he and Pooch follow Clay out the door.

"Oh, fuck you very much, why do I have to do everything?"

Roque and Pooch ignore him, only raising a hand to wave as they leave. Cougar smirks up at him.

"And you, you tequila smelling jerk, you are a shitty drunk," Jensen murmurs before bending over and hauling the smaller man up to his feet by his arm and steadying him. "And when you're sober, you better apologize for being a big bowl of dicks."

Cougar snorts, shaking some hair out of his face. "My hair tie broke."

"Well, that's what happens when you get in a fight with a mustached man."

"Get me another."

Without a warning to Cougar, Jensen just crouches and hefts the smaller man over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Cougar is irritated enough he starts to thrash. Jensen does his best to adjust his grip and turns to head towards the door.

He really should contact the recruiting office, because tying up men and dragging them home was not in the goddamn pamphlet. Okay, and maybe he's kinda glad it isn't in there. It probably would have attracted some real creeps. But still, there should have been a vague warning of some kind. Maybe a link to a website that hinted at what he'd be dealing with without making it sound like a BDSM club for mentally unstable people.

Cougar squirms hard enough he almost sends them both crashing into a wall after only a few steps. Before Jensen can think about what he's doing, his hand is up and connecting solidly with Cougar's ass. 

"You act like a child, I'll spank you like one," Jensen tells him, and Cougar stills while Jensen readjusts his center of gravity. "That is your first and only warning. Don't think I won't donate your hat to the Goodwill if you piss me off."

Cougar is silent and remains still, which Jensen decides to take as assent. "On another note, I'm not actually fond of the idea of spanking children. Care to add your opinion to the mix?"

But apparently Cougar doesn't want to discuss parenting styles and stays silent except for the sound of his teeth grinding.

The sound gets louder when the catcalls start.  
**\------**

The guards at the gate have always been a bit leery of Jensen. He knows it has a lot to do with coming through the checkpoint in his boxers more than once, even though it wasn't a creepy thing. It only happened because it was over a hundred degrees outside and his AC was broke.

He suspects that his history, combined with trying to leave with Cougar tied and gagged in the seat next to him, won't be doing his reputation with the guards any favors.

He's _really_ not surprised to be waved out of line and asked for ID.

The guard glances from Cougar, to him, and back to Cougar before tightening his hold on his rifle. Jensen sighs and hands his ID over, along with the ID he'd previously grabbed from Cougar's wallet. He paid dearly for that ID. Cougar, the skinny fucker he is, bit him, hence the duct tape over Cougar's mouth that Jensen is _really_ hoping he doesn't have to explain.

He gives the guard his best smile. "Nice weather we're having tonight, isn't it?"

"Um...yes, sir?" The guard warily looks them over. "Sir... Is that man tied up?"

Jensen raises his eyebrows and adjusts his glasses before looking over at Cougar who glares back at him. He's very obviously bound in green cord. Very obviously pissed. And he _fucking deserves it_, so Jensen makes a face at Cougar before turning back to the guard.

"No. No, he is not," Jensen says with what he hopes is a trustworthy smile. The guard looks like he wants to say something, but stays quiet instead. He looks back down at the IDs, like there might be an answer there. There's not. Jensen knows from experience.

Suddenly the guard lights up. "Oh. You're _Jensen_."

Jensen is tempted to ask what that means, but resists. Barely. If this is an out, he'll take it. Questions, after all, are for people who don't have other people tied up in a truck that is _technically_ stolen.

"Yes?"

"You know, I honestly have no idea how I'd even write this up. I've never even had to stop a vehicle from leaving base before, so promise me you're not about to kill him, sir. It's been a long day and I wanna go home and forget I saw this."

Jensen's smile brightens and Cougar mumbles through his duct tape, causing Jensen to slap his hand over Cougar's mouth.

"I give you my word. I'm just driving him home." Jensen holds up three fingers. "Scouts honor."

The guard stares warily for a moment then hands back the IDs. "Please leave, sir."

**\------**

Jensen pulls the truck to a stop on the street across from the bar and his apartment with a sigh.

"We can do this one of two ways." Jensen holds up his pointer finger in Cougar's face, close enough Cougar glares at him. "Option one. You shake off the crazy and I untie you and let you walk up there under your own power." Jensen raises his second finger. "Option two. You continue your tantrum, and you get carried up there in front of everyone. Also, possible police involvement if anyone calls 911." Jensen rubs a hand over his shoulder and winces, staring straight ahead. "I'm really hoping you go with number one, 'cause my shoulder is killing me." He glances over at Cougar before reaching over to quickly yank off the duct tape. Cougar hisses and narrows his eyes. "Well, what do you say, Cougs?"

"I walk."

Jensen sags with relief. Okay, maybe the universe doesn't hate him. "Damn right you will. Walk your ass up there and sleep it off." Jensen reaches over, pushing Cougar so he's facing away from him and yanking Cougar's bound hands towards him, and starts to untangle the thick cord.

"Probably think up a really nice apology to give me while you're at it." It only takes a couple tugs at the cord before he's unwinding most it from Cougar's hands and arms. Once both are almost free, Jensen stops and levels Cougar with a stare.

"I did this 'cause you were an _ass_ when I was trying to help you out. So if you're thinking you wanna play whack a mole with my face as soon as your arms are free, don't. 'Cause I'm tired, and cranky, and if you piss me off I'll leave you tied up and at the mercy of that guy in the bar that always wears the red Shirley Temple wig. Got it?"

Cougar's jaw clenches, but he nods.

Jensen gives him a wary once over before releasing both arms. Cougar winces and pulls them forward and starts to rub the circulation back into his wrists.

"You can unwind your own feet," Jensen says before opening the door and hopping out. "No way do I trust you enough to help you out right now."

Cougar scrubs a hand over his mouth to remove the tape residue before reaching down to untie his feet. When he's free, he exits the truck and stretches while Jensen watches with a small frown.

"So what did that guy say? What made you flip your lid and become King of the Jerks?"

Cougar stills and runs his hands through his loose hair, pulling it back. "Don't remember."

"Well, I do. Let me refresh your memory, he called me _joto_. He called you _mamaverga_." Jensen's knows his accent leaves much to be desired, but it doesn't deserve the scowl Cougar sends him.

"It does not matter."

"Don't make me google it, Cougs. You know I can never spell that shit right the first time."

Cougar sighs and then moves forward, lightly tugging on Jensen's shirt.

"Please," Cougar reaches his other hand up and steals his hat from Jensen's head and places it back where it belongs, "forget these words."

"I can't."

"Then ignore them, yes?"

"You were an ass." Jensen says with a disappointed look. "I didn't like that."

Cougar closes his eyes, head dipping down, "I know. I... It hasn't been a good month. I shouldn't have had that much to drink." Cougar swallows, "I shouldn't have done what I did. I apologize."

Jensen worries his lip, glancing down at the hand still gripping his shirt, "Okay. But only if you promise not to ever, _ever_, get crazy enough I have to tie you up again."

Something mischievous sparkles in Cougar's eyes for a moment before it's gone. The shorter man nods solemnly.

"_Te lo prometo._"

**\------**

The sheer amount of shit Cougar gets the next day is almost astounding. He expected some, but he didn't expect to have people make a fucking _pilgrimage_ to mock him. People he hasn't seen or heard from since boot camp are showing up, acting like it hasn't been a decade since they last saw each other.

Everyone and their fucking mother seems to want to comment on Jensen tying him up and carrying him off. Several print offs of security footage have already been taped up across the base along with a video clip that Jensen tells him via text is 'going viral,' whatever the fuck that means.

He allows himself to hope briefly that everyone who views it catches a virus and dies, but he knows he isn't that lucky.

Clay has him spend his morning doing CAPE with Roque, which is sadly the best part of his day. Roque, when hung-over, is quite possibly the best deterrent for human contact known to man, which Cougar has never appreciated more.

Jensen on the other hand seems unbothered by the questions and comments. He is happy enough to laugh and play along with everyone and anyone, even the ones who aren't doing it in a friendly way.

Cougar isn't surprised. Jensen has almost no ego when it comes to himself or his _machismo_. He feels no need to prove anything to anyone, and honestly doesn't care what people imply, _unless,_ of course, it's related to his precious computers or his family.

Then there's Clay and Pooch with their fucking grins and Clay's numerous and boisterous comments about how Cougar _looks like he didn't get much sleep, musta had a busy night_.

That actually might be the worst part, Cougar thinks while gritting his teeth. The fact that Cougar spent his night sleeping for six uninterrupted hours alone in a bed _after_ being tied up and dragged to said bed by an attractive man.

**\------**

After Cougar lands the wrong way while jumping off the wall on the obstacle course, he realizes he was wrong. The teasing and his life choices that lead to a distinct lack of a sex life are not the worst part. Not by a mile.

Walking around the rest of the day with a limp is.

**\------**


	6. I call evil twin, so looks like you'll have to get pregnant.

Cougar assumes it's Jensen's handiwork the first time he notices a picture of Beth and her puppy pinned up on the cork board in their office. He's extra pleased to see it's mostly covering the memo on alcohol consumption while in uniform Clay had addressed to Roque and him.

It wouldn't be the first time Jensen stuck something up in their office, and it's a major improvement over those strange stick figure cartoons making jokes about something called a sudo and other things everyone has long ago learned to stopped asking Jensen to explain.

**\-----**

In less than a month, their cork board is mostly covered in pictures of the puppy, now known as Rowsdower, and smatterings of Beth.

Clay, who has been handling the influx of pictures calmly, starts to develop a twitch when a picture of Rowsdower and Beth ends up on the outside of their office door.

Cougar doesn't blame him; it's hard to be taken seriously when people see you walk in and out of that door on a regular basis. Scaring the new recruits out of their chocolate is getting harder and harder.

"I should rip all these pictures down," Clay grumbles, staring mournfully at their cork board.

"Good luck with that." Pooch snorts. "What do you think Jennifer would do if she heard you ripped up a picture of Beth?"

"Excellent point, Pooch, but unless you can solve this, shut up and finish your report." Clay glares at the cork board, and takes a deep drink from his mug before nodding. "It's settled then, I'm going to have to kill Jensen."

"Why are you killing me?" Jensen asks as he practically bounces into their room. Someone has obviously had their first four cups of coffee, Cougar notes.

"You're ruining our reputation, Jensen," Pooch says, deadpan. But because he's Pooch, someone Cougar rarely finds the urge to kill, he follows his statement with a smile and a wink at Jensen.

"Well, to be fair, your reputation was the whole reason I took you guys to makeout point in the first place."

"Jensen," Clay interrupts, "I need this to stop. I can't take it anymore. I heard someone call this the _Puppy Palace_ today." Clay glares, setting his mug on the table carefully. "I've done things in my life that earn me respect and fear. I _like_ respect and fear. But this," Clay motions to the picture of Jennifer hugging Rowsdower, "this makes me the guy who runs the _Puppy Palace_. I can live with a lot of things, but not that."

"That's an amazing story, sir. I liked the bits about your new clubhouse name the best." Jensen looks at the picture and back to Clay with an uncertain look. "But I'm kinda lost as to how my death fits into all of this."

Clay clenches his jaw and growls out a warning, "_Jensen_."

"_Clay_."

"Just stop putting these up!" Clay snaps.

Jensen tilts his head to the side and stares at Clay before suddenly breaking out into laughter.

"Oh-em-gee," he gasps, wiping a tear from his eye, "You think _I'm_ doing this?" Jensen shakes his head and gestures around the room. "This? This is not the product of my crazy. My crazy is different, less animal planet meets Hallmark moment and more technology-based mayhem. Occasionally, it comes from a test tube. Sometimes there is fire. _This,_ however, is a product of Beth telling Roque he could be Rowsdower's co-owner." Jensen smirks. "He shows up at least twice a week and spoils the shit out of that dog and takes a ton of pictures that Jennifer prints out for him."

Clay grimaces. "I miss the days when the men used to hang up pictures ripped from calendars and porn rags," Clay says wistfully.

"Oh, the good old days. How I do miss their wacky sexist ways, polio, and socially acceptable racism."

"Jensen, get out of my office."

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Whatever, Mr. Greatest Generation, I only came in here to see if anyone wanted to drive me into town to get some tamales." Jensen sends a hopeful smile in Cougar and Pooch's direction.

"Wait," Pooch says, suddenly interested, "tamales from Alberto's or the ones the lady sells in the parking lot of the Giant Eagle?"

"Pooch. You have reports," Clay points out.

"Parking lot, duh. I'm offended you even have to ask. You in? 'Cause I'll cover yours if you drive. Even buy you one of those chocolate churros," Jensen promises in a sing-song voice. Cougar's head snaps up unbidden at the mention of chocolate.

"Oh, hell yes, the Pooch-"

"I'll drive," Cougar interrupts, standing.

"Cougar, you have a problem. You know this, right?" Pooch bitches, joining them as they walk out the door.

Cougar rolls his eyes. The world is full of problems, but chocolate will _never_ be one of them.

**\-----**

They return a dozen tamales richer to find Roque and Clay glowering at each other. The door no longer has a picture on it and there's a stack of photos in Roque's hand.

"Choose," Clay growls, his eyes narrowed.

"Fuck you, Clay."

"Choose. It's three pictures or nothing, _Captain_."

"You're gonna regret this, _sir_," Roque warns.

"This is not good," Pooch observes.

"Very not good," Jensen agrees. "Look how veiny their faces are getting."

Cougar ignores Clay and Roque's bizarre mating dance, grabbing the bags from Pooch so he can look for his churros.

**\-----**

Cougar is dropping off requisition forms when he first spots Beth riding on Pooch's shoulders by the front gate.

"_Mija_. Pooch," he greets with a smile. "You joined the Army, _Mija_?"

"Are you kidding me?" Pooch laughs. "The Army can't handle two Jensens."

Beth giggles her agreement from Pooch's shoulders.

"I'm here to help make Uncle Clay feel bad," Beth chirps happily. "It was Uncle Pooch's idea."

Cougar glances at Pooch, who gives him a guiltless smile and shrugs his shoulders, making Beth laugh in delight at the motion.

"I have a lot of paperwork I should be doing and Clay keeps reminding me," Pooch explains, "but I'd rather watch Clay and Roque fight. You in?"

"Jennifer is okay with this?" Cougar asks carefully.

Pooch rolls his eyes. "Oh, please, Jennifer gave Beth tips on how to make her crying more realistic when she dropped her off."

**\-----**

There are moments in Cougar's military career that stand out to him, moments of pride and moments of victory. Crack shots that saved lives, being dragged through hell and coming out with a team that's alive and unharmed, helping people who couldn't help themselves, and so on.

These moments pale when compared to Pooch leading a somber Beth into their office by the hand. Beth looks around fretfully before setting her sights on Clay while her lower lip starts to tremble. By the time she opens her mouth to speak, Clay already looks ready to kill whoever made her feel this way.

"Do you hate Rowsdower, Uncle Clay?" she asks in a small voice. 

Clay becomes white as a sheet before shooting a quick but meaningful glare at Roque.

"Yeah, Clay, why you gotta hate our puppy?" Roque calls from his desk.

Clay closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before moving cautiously towards Beth. "I don't know what Roque said to you, but I _don't_ hate your puppy, Beth."

"But..." Beth's lip quivers as she fists one hand nervously in the fabric of Pooch's BDU's. "You wanted to tear down his pictures."

"It wasn't just pictures of the puppy, you were in a lot of those pictures too, Beth," Pooch adds helpfully and Clay's whole face manages to twitch.

"You don't..." Beth breathes hard and looks from Pooch to Clay. "You don't like _me_?" she asks in an anxious voice.

Cougar has never been tempted to giggle more than he is when he sees how effective her performance is on Clay.

Clay's jaw clenches and he kneels down to be at eye level with Beth. "Beth," Clay starts gently, "I do _not_ hate you. I do _not_ hate Rowsdower. I _swear_ it." Clay holds up his hands in a symbol of surrender. "Roque probably just misunderstood me, I have no problems with the pictures and I have no problem with you and your puppy."

"So Uncle Roque can keep his pictures?" Beth sniffs loudly and wipes at her eyes.

Clay grinds his teeth but nods. "Of course he can."

"Thank you, Clay," Roque says with a patronizing smile, "that's so _generous_ of you."

Beth expression shifts immediately from skittish to victorious as she holds up a hand to Pooch for a high five. Clay watches with narrowed eyes.

"We did it!" Beth crows.

"Heck, yeah, we did!" Pooch high fives her. "You are one terrifying little girl, you know that?"

Beth nods happily.

Clay stays kneeling there for a moment before standing and taking his seat. 

"Mother of God, Pooch, _what did I ever do to you_?" Clay demands pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You're a nag, and the Pooch hates paperwork."

Clay looks up with steel in his eyes. "This isn't over, Porteous. When there aren't any little girls around to protect you, I'm gonna remind _all_ of you how the chain of command works."

"My teacher says little girls should strive to not be a menace to polite society," Beth says with a smile and a pat on Clay's arm. "She gets upset when I do that, too."

"Forget her. For that performance I'm buying you all the ice cream you can eat," Roque says proudly before holding out a stack of pictures and tape for her. "Go nuts, kid. When you're done, I'll teach you how to hold a knife."

Beth fist pumps before taking the photos. "Amanda Bynes, who the heck is she?"

**\-----**

Jensen shows up at lunch on their first day back from Clay's revenge, three long weeks of a Q&A tour of local ROTC groups.

"Sooo, how was it?" Jensen asks smugly as soon as he bursts into the room.

"You shouldn't joke about shit like that, Jensen. There were _teenagers_ everywhere." Pooch shudders.

"Oh, I've been told they did an excellent job," Clay says smugly. "The Army is pleased with all the good PR they got us."

"Fuck you, Clay," Roque mutters from his desk.

"You have fun Cougs?"

"I didn't mind it."

"Of course your ass didn't mind, you spent the whole trip talking high school girls into buying you candy from the vending machines," Pooch says with a sour look.

"Cougar, _dude_," Jensen says with a wince, "that's creepy. Like, you-should-be-_arrested_ levels of creepy."

"I have to admit, that was some fucked up shit to watch," Roque agrees with a wince.

"I had no quarters." Cougar rolls his eyes. "I wanted candy and they offered to buy it for me."

Jensen stares at Cougar blankly before hanging his head. "Oh my god. I'm one of Cougar's high school girls, aren't I?"

**\-----**

"You're the guy with all those pictures of that dog, aren't you?"

The question is practically shouted over the noise in the bar, and it makes Cougar turn to see who is drunk or foolish enough to be confronting Roque.

A corporal stands there, almost swaying on his feet as he grins at Roque. A few tables away, a group of four other men of similar rank watch him bated breath.

Cougar smiles into his beer and taps Pooch on the shoulder to get his attention before nodding over to the scene that is steadily gaining the full attention of the bar.

"Kid needs new friends," Pooch snorts.

"You're the king of the Puppy Palace, huh?" the corporal sneers with a sloppy smile. He's clearly had more than enough to drink tonight. Cougar could _almost_ feel bad for him.

"Yeah, bro," Roque says with a small smile. "That's me."

Cougar knows better than to trust that smile. Beside him, Pooch sees the same thing, and his posture stiffens.

"Should I call Clay?" Pooch asks quietly.

"Not yet." Cougar advises.

"What the fuck, man, don't you have any pride as a man? As a _solider_? You're make us all look bad,"

Roque raises an eyebrow and takes a drink from his beer before setting it on the bar. "Let me get this straight. You think me caring about an animal makes me less of a man?" Roque asks slowly.

"Kid, do yourself a favor and _walk away_," Pooch says in warning to the corporal, who sneers at him.

Roque stands, moving to tower over the other man.

"You're a fuckin _sissy_."

Cougar shakes his head, reaching into his pocket to pull out some money for their drinks as Roque responds by grabbing the kid by the throat and pushing him into the bar.

The bar becomes hushed as Roque produces a wicked looking knife he levels at the other man's face.

"Bartender, then Clay," Cougar advises Pooch, who nods and slips off to intercept the bartender before he calls 911.

"Let's have ourselves an experiment, bro. I'm gonna use this knife," Roque smiles, using the tip of his blade to raise the corporal's chin until he's facing him, "and make you beg for your mama. When I'm done, we'll see if you still think I'm less of a man because I have a picture of a puppy on my desk. Okay?"

"Roque," Cougar say firmly, not stupid enough to try and physically pull him away, but still hovering over his shoulder. "_Stop_."

Roque smirks and looks back. "Not now, Cougs. My _manhood_," Roque sneers the word like it's something distasteful, "is at stake. Can't have that, can I?" he says as he presses the knife closer to the man.

There's a whimper and suddenly the sound of trickling liquid is painfully obvious in the quiet of the bar.

Roque stops and steps back a pace before frowning down at the corporal. "Did you just piss yourself?"

The man squeezes his eyes shut and quickly nods. Roque sighs in disgust and pushes the man away and sheaths his knife back up his sleeve. He looks over the man before slapping him _surprisingly_ lightly upside his head until he opens his eyes.

"Get your shit together. And get over this idea that a man has to act a certain way to be a man," Roque advises before digging in his pocket and slapping some bills down on the bar and turning to walk away. "Did Pooch call Clay?" Roque calls over his shoulder.

"Yes."

"_Great_."

"You pulled a knife," Cougar points out.

"Wasn't even a big one," Roque mutters before pushing out the doors.

When Cougar turns, the corporal is staring wide eyed at Cougar.

"Get some smarter friends while you're at it," Cougar advises as he leaves, nodding towards the man's friends still cowering behind their table.

**\-----**

Clay is _not_ pleased.

Roque is _not_ sorry.

Cougar and Pooch pretend to be working.

Jensen folds all the papers on Roque's desk into origami animals and creates a lewd zoo. He carefully sets up a paper elephant to look like it's humping a protein bar before he starts spinning in Roque's chair.

"This team will spend a _month_ touring _elementary schools_ if I have to hear about one more incident that involves any of you drinking," Clay growls.

**\-----**

The Losers are shipped off to Tajikistan to do what Pooch calls the 'Look At Our Guns, Don't Make Us Use Our Guns' dance. Sadly, Pooch's name is incredibly accurate. For three weeks, they and a small camp of Marines take turns standing around outside of an embassy on glorified guard duty while a VIP visits. To say the Losers are not pleased to be used this way would be an understatement.

**\-----**

On the week three, a small brown box is left on the embassy's lawn. The guard who finds it takes one look inside and starts screaming to evacuate.

The Losers and Marines all do their best to look like they aren't pleased when the chaos starts.

**\-----**

Four and a half hours later, it turns out to be a false alarm. No one can be bothered to hide their disappointment.

"Never seen anything like this," the ranking Marine reports. "Apparently, someone spruced up a couple tins of cat food with some wires, paint, and a cheap alarm clock. There was a piece of paper folded up to look like a frog in there too. It might be a calling card, we're running it through the database now." The Marine shakes his head, looking confused.

Clay's eye starts to twitch and both Roque and Pooch make strangled efforts to not laugh while Cougar swallows a smile.

"At this point, we can't be certain if this was a prank, an attempt to test our response, or something worse. Unfortunately, it's been my experience that these types of things can escalate to real threats." He sighs. "I've recommended to Home Office to recall the ambassador back until we know more. They've agreed. You and your unit are being sent back stateside for now."

"I agree with you, sir," Clay says, straight-faced. "It's always best to err on the side of caution."

Cougar feels the thin black phone he carries on missions buzz in his pocket.

_THAT WAS NOT AN EASY FAVOR TO CALL IN. I HAD TO WALK HIM THROUGH ORIGAMI VIA SMS! D:_

**\------**

Clay stares at the text message as they wait for their plane before tossing the phone back to Cougar.

"I need to get him on this fucking team,"

"Not going well?" Roque says, grabbing the phone from Cougar and giving the message a quick read and a smirk.

"Understatement." Clay rotates his neck slowly, popping it twice before sighing, "I'm getting steadily getting nowhere and running out of favors."

"His team is bad news, Clay," Pooch says with a frown. "We can't leave him there."

Clay's jaw tightens and he looks over at Pooch. "You think I don't know that?"

"No, sir," Pooch says evenly. "I'm just saying it how it is."

**\-----**

When Cougar gets back stateside, there's a voice mail waiting for him on his grey phone that was left the same day the Losers left for Tajikistan. It's two minutes of Jensen singing _Leaving On a Jetplane_ loudly and off key until he's cut off. Cougar listens to it all the way through. Twice.

A quick call to Jennifer afterwards confirms Jensen is away on mission. She chats for a while, tells him that Rowsdower is doing well and that she has more pictures if Roque wants to come pick them up. Cougar promises to relay the message and bids her goodnight.

He checks in with Maria and Luz afterwards and spends the next four nights sleeping at Jensen's empty apartment.

**\-----**

The only reason Cougar knows Jensen is back stateside is because he sees the orange Honda in the parking lot when he pulls in. He spends the first half of the day looking for Jensen and the second half 'sulking,' as Pooch claims, in the office.

When he returns to the parking lot after his shift, the orange car is already gone.

**\-----**

"He's acting weird," Jennifer says as soon as he answers the phone. Cougar scowls. He is very aware of this.

"I have not seen him since we left," he admits.

Jennifer goes quiet for a moment. "He's been back at least a week, hasn't he?"

"_SÌ._"

**\-----**

Jensen finally shows up at Cougar's door at 0500. He's carrying a paper grocery bag and smells of acrid smoke. Cougar frowns and blocks the doorway with his body, crossing his arms and waiting for an explanation. Jensen looks over him once before sighing, looking tired.

"I'm sorry," Jensen offers.

"For?"

Jensen raises a weary eyebrow. "You're in a mood."

Cougar grabs for the door, intent on slamming it on Jensen's face when he jams his boot in the way of the door.

"I'm sorry! Okay! Sorry!" Jensen runs a hand through his hair in agitation. "I've been busy, which is not an excuse, and I should have made time to come say hi!"

Cougar loosens his grip on the door and recrosses his arms. "Jennifer is worried."

Jensen winces and stares at the floor. "I'll apologize to her, too. I promise. I just need a place to regroup for a moment."

Cougar narrows his eyes for a moment before swinging open the door and walking inside. Jensen heaves a sigh of relief and immediately collapses into a dining room chair, setting his paper bag on the floor gently. He rubs both hands over his face before burying his face in his arms.

"You should call Jennifer."

Jensen hums in agreement. "Can I use your phone?"

Cougar frowns but pulls out and hands over his grey phone. "Where is yours?"

Jensen gives him a lopsided grin. "Long story."

Cougar raises a brow and pulls out his own chair to sit before looking expectantly at Jensen.

"Which you want to hear now, don't you?" Jensen sighs and sets the phone on the table between them before picking it up and rolling it in his hands. Cougar gets comfortable and waits as Jensen worries at his lip.

"So, I mentioned I was busy, right?" Jensen gives Cougar a weak smile when he nods. "Again, sorry for ditching you guys. Turns out some people didn't like my little side project. They got a bit cranky."

"Who?"

Jensen shrugs, eyes darting to the phone and away from Cougar's eyes. "Angry people?"

Cougar levels a glare at Jensen who ignores it.

"Seriously, Cougs, I don't know who exactly. Whoever it is was pissed though. Burn my apartment down with me in it, pissed."

Cougar feels his blood go cold and his hands clench.

"I'm okay," Jensen says softly. His eyes dart up towards Cougar.

"Your apartment?"

"Now a pile of charred toothpicks."

Cougar nods and exhales twice and unclenches his hands from where they attached themselves to the table.

"You were..."

"Inside when it happened?" Jensen rubs at his face. "Yeah." He nods towards the bag on the floor. "I grabbed the important stuff and exited through the window." Jensen's eyes linger on the bag. "No one was hurt too bad. Some smoke inhalation and second degree burns, but otherwise everyone's okay."

"Not accidental?"

"The fire originated outside my door. When I pulled back the curtains, my windows were blocked with wooden boards." Jensen's smile is humorless when he looks up. "Luckily, whoever did it forgot about my bathroom window."

Cougar's stomach flips and he feels disoriented for a moment. Definitely no accident. He debates pushing for answers but stops when he notices the way Jensen is watching him.

Not tonight then. Later.

"You need sleep."

Jensen opens his mouth, but Cougar cuts him off.

"Sleep. Take your room."

"I don't know if me staying here is a good idea. The people I pissed off obviously don't care about other people getting hurt."

"Sleep."

"Cougar, look, I'm not going to-"

"_¡Duèrmete!_" Cougar snaps, and slams his hand down on the table and making Jensen jump from his chair, startled. Jensen stands there with wide eyes, forgetting his fake smile and looking young, tired, and painfully out of his depth. It's the first time Cougar can recall the other man looking this way. Cougar raises both hands weakly in apology before letting his fingers curl in.

"Cougar-" Jensen tries, but Cougar shakes his head.

Cougar breathes in twice and whispers, "_Please_." He's not ashamed when his voice breaks, and thankfully it seems to work on Jensen, who blinks and nods slowly.

"Okay," Jensen says finally. "Okay. I'll stay here, but I don't know if..." Jensen sighs and rubs at his neck. "I don't know if I can sleep. You know." Jensen twirls a hand absently in the air as if to distract from the real fear in his voice. "Adrenaline and the whole people wanting me dead."

Cougar understands this. He feels this in his own veins. "We take shifts," Cougar says firmly before a thought hits him. "Does Jennifer know?"

"Um..." Jensen tenses and Cougar shakes his head.

"Do not let her find out from someone else, eh?"

Jensen snatches Cougar's phone off the table with a forced sigh. "This is gonna suck."

Cougar almost smiles. _Sucks_ will be an understatement.

As Jensen dials his phone, Cougar moves to the door, double checking the locks before checking the windows and closing the blinds. When he is sure everything is as it should be, he moves to his safe, tucked in the corner of the living room, and unlocks it. He unthreads half his belt as Jensen's frantic assurances to Jennifer begin in the other room. Any other time he would have had to swallow a chuckle at Jensen's antics, but now, he numbly threads his holster on the belt and refastens it. Grabbing his 629, he pushes release to pop out the cylinder and shoves a moon-clip in. He closes the cylinder, rolling it gently until it clicks, before he holsters it.

He stands there for a moment, looking over his collection and clearing his mind. The distinct weight on his hip helps sooth some nerves, but not enough. There's too many things going on that he can't control.

People tried to _kill_ Jensen while Cougar sat at home reading a book he's already read a hundred times. He doesn't think he'll ever have the stomach to ever read that book again.

He doesn't look up when Jensen approaches. He can feel more than see Jensen move to stand next to him.

Jensen gives a low whistle. "Nice stash."

Cougar hums absently, eyes flickering between the 870 and the Winchester model 12. The shorter 870 would be better in the cramped apartment, but while the Winchester is two inches longer, it can be slam-fired and holds three more.

Considering Cougar has no idea who, let alone how many people might be after Jensen, any advantage is welcome.

Cougar grabs the Winchester and a box of slugs, shutting the door and spinning the lock before looking up. Jensen is practically twitching out of his skin, but doing his best to look calm.

His best isn't very believable.

Cougar knows Jensen is doing this for his sake, so he doesn't say anything, only gestures with a nod towards the hallway and watches Jensen scramble for his bag before following.

"So I'm guessing you have questions. Possibly the desire to hit me," Jensen rambles, clutching his bag to his chest, "and I'm prepared for both. Jennifer does request you leave me somewhat alive until she gets a shot at me though."

Cougar shakes his head, feeling the corner of his lips curl up despite his best efforts. "She was upset."

"Well," Jensen sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "she came off more like a shrieking mad woman, but yes, there were hints of general upsetyness there, too."

Cougar pushes open the door to his room and motions Jensen inside. Jensen blinks and looks over to the other room.

"We sleep here," Cougar insists. "No window, thin wall, farthest point from the door." Making it clear there is no room for argument, Cougar moves into the room himself.

Jensen follows, placing his bag on Cougar's bed before moving to start to poke through the items laid out on Cougar's dresser. Cougar finds himself rolling his eyes at his behavior before sneaking a curious peek at the bag on his bed.

"I grabbed what I could when I realized the full extent of what was going on," Jensen says as if he can read Cougar's mind. "Go ahead, after all, we all know curiosity killed the Cougar."

Cougar leans the Winchester next to the bed, placing the box of slugs on the bedside table. Opening the battered paper bag, he gently pulls out two framed photos that once hung on Jensen's wall, both of Jennifer and Beth. He looks back in the bag, and hesitates before pulling out a barrel, stock, and forearm.

Glancing up, he sees that Jensen has grown bored poking through his belongings and is leaning against the dresser watching him.

"You know you have more jewelry than some women, right?"

Cougar ignores the obvious bait and looks down at the pieces and back at Jensen in question.

"Go for it."

Cougar smoothly hooks in the barrel and snaps on the forearm. Rolling the gun in his hand, he examines the blueing before cracking it open experimentally and closing it. When shut the lever stays bent to the left, Cougar runs his thumb over it with a gentle smile.

"She's well used." Cougar observes, "And a very good gun. Baikals are made strong, like a tank."

He's almost surprised; such a piece does not seem to fit Jensen's tastes. He pictured Jensen choosing something like a Goncz GA or a Vektor CP1 for a personal weapon, something visually unique, even if awkwardly so.

Jensen chuckles, shoving his hands in his pocket. "I named Beth after this gun," Jensen says with a tiny smile, "Beth Baikal Jensen."

Cougar raises his eyebrows. That's... different.

Jensen obliges his unspoken question. "First day we brought her home from the hospital, my sister's stalker tried to kill us," Jensen says too casually to be natural. "I used this to stop him."

Cougar is lost as to what to say to this, but luckily Jensen doesn't seem to require anything.

"Gave her some minor acoustic trauma in one ear, but still, it saved her life."

Cougar takes a moment and does the math; Jensen is five years younger than him, making him twenty-five, and Beth just had her ninth birthday.

Jensen's face remains smiling while his eyes seem to be waiting for some kind of reply.

_Madre de Dios._ _Tan jóvenes._

Cougar looks away before he does anything that reveals his thoughts. Jensen isn't looking for sympathy and would probably see it as an insult. Cougar clears his throat and continues to examines the gun.

"This is important to you."

"It saved my family."

"With your help," Cougar points out.

Jensen shrugs and accepts the gun back, breaking it open with obvious familiarity and placing it gingerly on the dresser.

"This is all you saved?" Cougar asks, gesturing to the pictures and the coach gun.

"Yeah. Computers were too big to carry, so I wiped them."

Cougar gives him a sour look. He's willing to bet that if Jensen's bathroom window was slightly bigger, Jensen would have had three computer towers with him when he showed up.

"I can smell your judgment."

"Computers can be replaced," Cougar mutters. He grabs the box of ammo and the Winchester before sitting on the bed, Jensen plopping down easily next to him.

"Seriously, Cougs, stop going all afterschool special on me. I'm starting to worry that next you're gonna tell me I'm sleeping with the shop teacher who's way too old for me or that I have an eating disorder."

Cougar ignores Jensen's ramble in favor of feeding the magazine tube. "She will be hot. Safety off."

"Gottcha. Got two spares?"

Cougar nods, handing the box to Jensen who removes two and wiggles them at Cougar before slipping them in his pocket.

"12 gauge. Great minds think alike."

Cougar leans the Winchester back against the bed frame and exhales.

They sit in silence together, close enough the nervous jiggle of Jensen's leg can be stopped by Cougar moving his own leg to the left and forcing Jensen into stillness.

"Was Clay serious about wanting me to be a Loser?"

Cougar rocks his shoulder into Jensen's making him looks over nervously, searching Cougar's face. Jensen seems relieved after a moment and leans back into Cougar's shoulder.

"I'd like that," Jensen says softly.

"It's..." Cougar sighs. "Not going well."

"I'm guessing that's an understatement." Jensen chuckles before taking off his glasses and setting them on the bedside table. "Can I ask you a favor?"

Cougar hums absently and Jensen continues.

"Keep an eye on Beth and Jennifer. They should be fine, but check up on them for me until I'm back."

Cougar feels a sinking feeling settling in his stomach.

"You have a mission. When?"

Jensen looks around before finding the small alarm clock. He frowns. "About seven hours from now. Won't even have time to start hunting for an apartment." He sighs and leans back to lie on the bed, legs hanging over the side, kicking lazily to a rhythm only he hears.

"Can I leave my worldly possessions here till I get back?"

Cougar nods, tugging the hair tie off before lying back as well.

"How long?"

"You know I can't tell you that."

Cougar turns his head and glares. "_Tajikistan_."

Jensen winces. "Lucky guess?"

Cougar _tsks_ and turns to stare at the celling.

"Besides, Roque was going to probably punch a Marine, just for the sake of something to do if I hadn't intervened and called in that favor." Jensen smiles cheekily. "When did you realize it was all thanks to my awesome?"

"Origami."

Jensen rolls his head to the side. "I worry about you guys. The intel we get is so..." Jensen purses his lips in distaste. "Well, sometimes I think my niece could do a better job. So, occasionally, when things don't feel right, I do a little friendly, albeit massively illegal, snooping."

"We worry, too."

Jensen turns and blinks at him before smiling and joining him in watching the ceiling fan make lazy circles. It's a quiet moment. Peaceful, if Cougar could only ignore the possibility that someone might be trying to kill Jensen.

"Don't get a new apartment," Cougar surprises himself by saying, "I have a second bedroom."

"You realize that would mean me being here, like, _all_ the time." Jensen props himself up on his elbow and looks down at him in confusion.

Cougar shrugs. "It would be very similar to before." And it would be. Before the last mission, Cougar'd taken to keeping a change of clothes at Jensen's and slept in Jensen's bed more than his own. Enough that his bed felt like the foreign bed now.

Come to think of it, Cougar's pretty sure he lost at least a couple sets of clothes, his brown cowboy boots, and at least six books in the fire tonight. _Huh_.

Jensen starts to hum thoughtfully, scratching his fingers through his facial hair in honest contemplation that looks almost comical. It's oddly endearing, and Cougar finds himself wanting to see what the little hairs on Jensen's chin feel like against his own fingers.

Cougar clears his throat and makes a bold move. "You could bring _Mija_ here safely. She could see where her uncle lives."

Jensen perks up a bit at this. "I could, huh? There wouldn't the menagerie of crack fiends outside." He frowns. "Is it weird that I think I might miss them _and_ the pink monstrosity?"

"Very."

Jensen's frown deepens and he looks back down at Cougar. "Having a roommate might cramp your style with the ladies."

"It would be fine." He meets Jensen's eye and takes a deep breath. If Jensen moves in, he should know who, _what_, he's moving in with. Cougar sends a silent prayer for strength. "I would tell you beforehand if I was planning to bring a man or a woman home." Cougar's pulse hammers in his veins forcefully enough he's worried Jensen might feel it despite the inches of space between them on the bed. He watches out of the corner of his eye as Jensen furrows his brow and frowns.

"The Cougster likes the dudesters?"

Cougar bobs his head up and down. "Sometimes, yes."

Jensen makes a contemplative sound, his frown deepening, and Cougar feels a lead weight settle in his stomach. He can practically see the gears spinning in Jensen's head and the results don't look favorable. This was a mistake, th-

"This place is pretty nice, what's the rent like?"

Cougar bites back the nervous laughter just in time. Okay, obviously, the gears in Jensen's head are powered by deranged mice.

"You are okay with this?"

"The moving in?"

"The men," Cougar clarifies, because the deranged mice in Jensen's head are apparently also socially stunted.

"Dude, you're _Cougs_," Jensen says it like it should mean something. "You're my _best friend_. Short of you telling me you like to beat up kids or animals, you can't really do a whole lot to make me not think you're the coolest thing since the idea to call illegal downloading _pirating_." Jensen smiles and nods to himself. "Pirates are _awesome_. You know, except for the real life ones that suck. I got shot at by some of those guys once." Jensen seems to finally sense he's gone off track. "Anyway, you get the point."

Jensen flops back down next to him and nudges his shoulder and Cougar feels something unlock in his chest with the casual motion. His shoulders are shaking with either panic or silent laughter before he can stop them. Jensen props himself back up and looks at him. "You okay?"

Cougar nods twice, taking slow breaths and getting his body under control before shaking his head no.

"I was..." Cougar trails off and Jensen nods in understanding.

"Nope. You're still my mooching kitty. I'm not gonna send you to the pound just 'cause you want to sniff around Garfield."

Cougar feels a spark of sorrow mix in with the relief and exasperation. Nothing has changed, and Jensen does not seem to be treating him differently. For better or worse. He should be happy.

"You should sleep," Cougar says after a stretch of silence.

"Can't." Jensen waves a hand around his temple. "My head is like, _bursting_." Jensen mimes explosions near his head complete with sound effects. "I lost all three of my babies, people want to kill me more than normal, and my friend, after like two freaking _years_, decides to finally come out of his closet. Which I assume is full of guns and chocolate." Jensen shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I did not know how you would react."

"I guess I can get that. The military isn't exactly the most tolerant environment. We should change that, you know. We could start some kind of PFLAG group, but for the military. It could be like COs, XOs, and Brothers In Arms of the LGBT. COXOBIALGBT!" Jensen stops and makes a disappointed sound. Cougar can't help but agree.

"Yeah, we'll work on another name, that one isn't very catchy. Probably not a good idea to have 'COX' in it if we want to be taken seriously." Jensen pauses, "Does your team know? They were cool with it, right? I mean, you guys are close."

"They had no issues."

"Someone did."

Cougar sighs. Sometimes it's easy to forget how observant Jensen is when he's so _spectacularly_ unobservant about other issues.

"You looked like you were about to have a panic attack," Jensen says seriously.

"My family."

Jensen makes a sad sound in the back of his throat. "So that's what that was all about."

"_SÌ_."

"I'm not sure what's the right thing to say to that, but I'm sorry they turned out to be homophobes."

"Not homophobes. _Son Católicos_."

"No. They're homophobes."

"They are following the teachings of the Church."

"Dude, there are plenty of Catholics out there who love their gay kids, so don't brush it off like that makes their behavior okay somehow."

Cougar bites his cheek and says nothing.

Jensen seems to sense his unease and pokes Cougar playfully with an apologetic smile. "All we need is an unexpected pregnancy and an evil twin and we could have our own soap opera," Jensen whispers with a hopeful smile before leaning back and crossing his hands under his head. "I call evil twin, so looks like you'll have to get pregnant."

Cougar hears himself laugh despite the many reasons not to.

"Don't worry, Cougs, I went through it once with Jennifer, so I know what to expect now. I promise I'll never mention it if you get so fat your ankles disappear and I'll buy you all the weird food you want. Oh! Your _kids_, Cougs, your kids will be _adorable_. Especially when they're all tweaked out on chocolate and wearing tiny cowboy hats."

"Men do not get pregnant," Cougar says in exasperation. "I am a man."

"Can't you just _try_? I mean, come on, Cougs!" Jensen whines, "How else will we get our own TV show? Don't let that Snookie creature make all the money!"

**\-----**


	7. You can punch your feelings away.

They spend most of the night lying awake side by side in comfortable silence. Cougar drifts off into a light sleep somewhere around 0700 and wakes to a post it note stuck to his forehead.

_HEY SLEEPING KITTY - DON'T FORGET TO CHECK ON J & B AND SAY HI TO ROWSDOWER FOR ME. DON'T FORGET TO EAT!_

Cougar smiles and adds the note to his wallet along with the others before starting the coffee maker, making a mental note to buy another mug. And probably actual plates and silverware ñ paper plates and the three spoons he stole from the chow hall won't be enough.

Cougar sighs and looks around his apartment. There's barely enough stuff for one person, let alone two people, a young girl, and her mother. Before he can start a mental list, his phone buzzes with a message from Jennifer.

_We need to talk and I assume you need to do some shopping._

It's not the first time one of the Jensen siblings has made him wonder if they possess psychic abilities, but it's always a little scarier when it's Jennifer.

**\------**

Jennifer picks him up an hour later, all smiles and poorly hidden tension.

"So, you and Jake are going to be sharing a bachelor pad huh?"

Cougar nods.

"Did any of his things survive the fire?"

"A shotgun. Some photos."

Jennifer's lips tilt up in the hint of a real smile as she pulls out into the street.

**\------**

She takes him to Target, grabbing a shopping cart on their way in and throwing her purse in the front. He follows her, listening to her stories about how Beth is doing and how work is going. He's surprised to realize he never knew what she did for a living. It must show, because she laughs, a genuine sound, rich and breezy.

"While being a medical transcriptionist isn't as glamorous as being a super soldier like you and my idiot brother, Captain America, it does pay the bills and lets me have time with Beth." She smiles at him and Cougar is tempted to smile back as she holds up two packages of socks for his consideration. "You think he'd want black or white?"

Cougar shrugs and Jennifer sighs, looking over both packages before tossing the white ones in the cart.

They make their way through the rest of the men's section, Jennifer grabbing four pairs of jeans, four undershirts, two packages of boxer briefs and a bright yellow sweater.

"It's hideous," she hisses with a smile when she sees the sweater.

"He will love it," Cougar agrees sadly as Jennifer laughs merrily before leading him to the personal care section.

She grabs shampoo, conditioner, a comb, and deodorant and instructs him to pick out a razor, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. For the toothbrushes, Cougar chooses a two pack of pink brushes. Jennifer smiles when she sees them in the cart.

"I'm sure he'll deny loving those."

In the kitchen section, Jennifer helps him pick out a microwave and dishwasher safe set of brown plates, a pack of silverware, and two boxes of glasses before they end up in the bedding isle.

"Should I even bother getting him sheets or is he still sleeping on couches?"

"Couches," Cougar says offhandedly as he wanders over to stare at a bright pink bagged comforter. Jennifer follows his gaze and smiles.

"You are a terrible man, Cougar. I'm beginning to see why I like you."

Cougar ignores the sadness in her tone and throws the comforter in the cart while Jennifer grabs a pillow.

At the register they watch the total climb in a mostly comfortable silence.

"I'm getting this, by the way," Jennifer says and Cougar's smart enough not to argue, so he nods his thanks.

"Pack of Lucky Strikes too, please," Jennifer says as the cashier finishes bagging the items. She slides a lighter across the counter towards him to ring up. She says nothing else as she swipes her card and enters her PIN.

When they pull out of the parking lot she turns left instead of the right which would take them towards his apartment.

"I imagine you noticed that, huh?" she asks and Cougar nods. "You're smart enough to not waste your breath asking where we're going, aren't you?"

Cougar gives a vague shrug and leans back in his seat, pulling his hat down and attempting to look comfortable. "Would you tell me?"

She takes her eyes off the road and smiles. It doesn't come close to her eyes. "Oh, Cougar."

Ten minutes later, they're parked on the side of the road next to an overgrown field and Jennifer moves to get out of the car. Cougar follows. When she's out, she goes to open the trunk, retrieving a water bottle she tosses to him.

"I would not hurt him," Cougar says preemptively before twisting the lid off.

She laughs, and closes the trunk gently. He finishes half his bottle even though he isn't thirsty and she hops up to sit on the trunk, looking pointedly at the spot next to her until he joins her. She pulls out her pack of cigarettes and taps it impatiently against her arm before ripping it open.

"I swear to..." Jennifer's voice cracks and her fingers shake hard enough she drops her cigarette on her lap twice before she gets it to her lips. "...fuck."

She curses, fumbling with her lighter, sparks but no flames spitting out until Cougar reaches forward and takes it from her. He lights it and holds it out and she breathes in twice, then leans back and takes a deep drag, exhaling slowly.

"If you hurt him, I will end you." Her words are threatening, but her voice sounds old and tired. "I quit smoking the day Jake came to live with me." She holds up her cigarette. "Years without so much as a drag, because I loved him, and because he's..." She waves her hand in a circle. "Jake. Because he's Jake, he'll do any goddamn thing to try and make people like him. Like pick up smoking 'cause his big sister smokes." She leans back against the back window and looks up at the stars.

"Jake's kinda fucked up." Jennifer taps her head with her empty hand like she was worried he wasn't following. She brings her cigarette up and inhales, the cherry red glow bright in the darkness.

Cougar doesn't argue with her. He's spent enough time watching Jensen to know that she isn't wrong.

"And I'm telling you now-" Jennifer takes a deep drag letting the smoke curl out slowly as she closes her eyes. It makes her look at twenty years older and many miles past weary. "-I've seen you watch him. And that's fine. But if you manipulate his friendship to take advantage of him or use him, it will be the straw that breaks my back."

Jennifer examines the cigarette in her hands before leaning forward far enough to drop it in Cougar's water bottle.

"I had all these _thoughts_ watching him grow up. What I'd do to my father if I had the chance. What I'd _really_ like to say to the teachers who got mad at a kid who understood theoretical physics but not how to talk to people." Jennifer stops, clears her throat and continues louder, "He's a good kid, but socially, he's a bit off the map."

Cougar finds himself nodding. Jensen definitely has his own way of interacting with others.

"He'd come home from college trying to hide bruises under this crazy orange foundation he got somewhere." Jennifer pauses, lost in a memory. She shakes her head and looks at Cougar until he turns his head and looks her in the eye. His reptile brain screams at him to tread carefully; there is something new here, something dangerous.

"Jake is a genius, but the little things? The things most of us just _know_, those are hard for him."

Her eyes fall from his and watch the now soggy cigarette floating in his bottle. She continues, voice soft and hands no longer shaking, "All women become accustomed to getting a little blood on their clothes from a young age. I like to think its nature preparing us." She looks off in to the tree line. "Cougar, if your blood ever gets on my clothes, no one will ever see it, and no one will ever find you. Just like the fruit punch Beth spilled on the living room carpet."

Cougar doesn't doubt her words. She holds his gaze then shrugs, so much like her brother in that motion. She slips off the trunk and stands up, wrapping her sweater around her even though it isn't cold. Standing there, if Cougar doesn't look too closely, he can still see the soccer mom who had a long day.

However, a big part of Cougar's job is spent watching for danger. Looking for danger that might not be obvious until it's too late. It's not too late yet, but he can see the hands that shook and fumbled in plain sight but stilled once she became distracted. That her eyes are a little too cold and a little too sharp to be someone who makes threats without knowing exactly how to follow through.

He's seen those eyes before. On people who've survived while others didn't. There is a protectiveness and a calm steady violence that can only be born from emerging unharmed while watching someone destroyed in front of you. The willingness to cross lines most people aren't creative enough or damaged enough to realize even exist.

These people, they can do whatever it takes to protect their own, and they'll sleep like a baby afterwards.

A sunny yellow sweater, what Jensen calls Jennifer's mom jeans, and a sloppy ponytail does a disturbingly good job at disguising what lurks inside her.

That predatory look melts away and suddenly she's smiling.

"So," she chirps, "You heading back to the house with me for dinner with Beth, or should I drop you off with this stuff at your place?"

Cougar hops down off the trunk and brushes off his pants. It's a challenge, and Cougar isn't afraid of it. He has no intention of crossing her or hers.

"The house," Cougar says, voice calm.

Jennifer's fake smile thaws into a real one. "Glad we had this talk, Cougar."

**\------**

After dinner, Cougar and Jennifer sit on the patio and watch Beth play with the puppy that's looking less like a puppy and more like a dog these days. They drink beer while Beth's laughter and overexcited dog barks fill the air.

It's strangely relaxing, comforting, while still making his chest ache all at the same time.

He can almost imagine the backyard being a little bigger, with colorful glass wind chimes hanging from the trees and gruff laughter in the air. The beer in his hand had a different label, and the older woman next to him wasn't so pale, with the scent of ground _masa_ clinging to her skin instead of lemons. The girl playing wasn't one, but many children. All of them small, dark, and happy, calling out in a more familiar language.

"She's developing quite the crush on Roque," Jennifer says, interrupting his thoughts. The sharpness in her eyes is laced with something close to pity but far enough away Cougar isn't bothered.

"Between the card tricks and the Rowsdower bonding, she's decided she's going to marry him when she's older. She says they'll get a farm and rescue animals together and have a hundred children."

Cougar feels his face grimace. The tinkle of laughter from Jennifer when she sees makes him smile.

"My thoughts exactly." Jennifer sips at her beer, eyes trailing back to where her daughter plays. "So what has he told you about the fire?"

The new topic isn't unexpected. "Not an accident." Cougar rolls the bottle in his hand and avoids telling her exactly how Jensen knows this. "He does not know who."

"You think he does."

Cougar gives her a look, and she smirks.

"Yeah. Good point." She takes another pull from her bottle and sighs.

**\------**

Beth rides along with them to drop off Cougar and the items for the apartment. Jennifer unpacks and washes the dishes, silverware, and glasses while Beth cautiously looks around his front room.

Cougar tries to help Jennifer until she starts making increasingly distressed noises when she sees inside his empty cupboards and the three spoons and hunting knife that makes up his silverware.

"Ugh." Jennifer gives him a dirty look. "_Men_," she mutters while shooing him out of his own kitchen.

"Your house is sad," Beth says when he joins her in the living room. The whole Jensen family seems to find fault in his apartment. "You have no pictures and no place for people to sit."

"Oh my god," Jennifer moans, looking over the divide into the living room. "Seriously. We're getting you a couch, 'cause this," she gestures to the room, "is so sad it's borderline serial killer."

Cougar frowns and looks around the room. It's mostly empty, yes, but it has everything he needs.

"I have a record player," Cougar says in defense.

Jennifer shakes her head sadly. "Beth, you're gonna have to draw some pictures for them, okay?"

Beth nods dutifully and gives Cougar a serious look. "We'll help you, don't worry, Uncle Cougar."

Cougar feels his throat tighten and he glances up to see Jennifer looking fondly at her daughter. Jennifer meets his eyes and gives him an encouraging smile.

"_Gracias_, _mija_,"he says, looking back to Beth. "What would I do without you?"

**\------**

Cougar is actually thankful for his talk with Jennifer. Things seem easier around her, now. They were never exactly awkward, but there was something hanging in the air when it was just them. It's easier now too, and he actually enjoys being dragged through three furniture stores with Beth and Jennifer to find 'the right' sofas.

Jennifer picks out a dark green couch for Jensen's room, measuring it twice to make sure Jensen will fit comfortably before paying for it and arranging delivery. While Jennifer does that, Beth clings to Cougar's hand and drags him from couch to couch with a tug and calls of _Uncle Cougar, look!_

"It's the eyes, I think, how they make you their bitch," Jennifer murmurs while Beth crawls all over a pink couch. "You seem to be a sucker for blue eyes, Cougar."

Cougar is grateful for his hat, which makes it easy to pretend Jennifer doesn't exist. Jennifer calls Beth back to them with her own brown eyes laughing at Cougar like she _knows _his ears are burning despite the hair and hat. Cougar really wouldn't be surprised to learn one of the Jensens' ancestors was a practitioner of _brujería_.

But he doesn't bother denying Jennifer's accusation, there would be no point; after all, he chooses a brown leather sofa for the living room after Beth sits on it and declares it the best couch _ever_. She doesn't even have to ask, just smiles up at him and pats the seat next to her. And because Cougar is wrapped around her finger just like he is her uncle's, he sits, nods in agreement despite not noticing a difference from any of the others and tells her she picked the perfect one.

**\------**

In the past two weeks, Cougar's apartment has rather quickly morphed into something he doesn't recognize. It's not bad, but he still occasionally finds himself confused when he stumbles out to get coffee in the morning.

His walls are covered in pictures. Pictures of his team, Jensen, Jennifer, Beth, and even himself. He remembers most of the events they were taken at, Beth's birthday, Jolene's birthday, dinners at Jennifer's house, dinner at Jolene and Pooch's house, and that terrible dinner where Roque and Clay got it in their heads that they should make spaghetti for everyone.

It's still strange to see reminders of people hanging where there used to be nothing.

His living room is no longer so empty. There's a couch against one wall, the other has a new TV, his bookcases, his chair, and his gun safe making a cramped, but strangely cozy space. Taped to the front of the gun safe is a picture of a large cat wearing a hat, courtesy of Beth, who is frighteningly similar in her art to her uncle.

_Possibly_ a better artist.

When he sits down on his couch, he finds himself smiling for the sake of smiling when his phone buzzes with a text from an unknown number. He finds his smile growing as he flips the phone open.

_I'M SORRY TAKE CARE OF J&B LAPTOP AT J'S THE PASSWORD IS STRONG LIKE A TANK_

Cougar's smile vanishes and he feels time slow down to a crawl, almost jumping when the second message comes.

_REMEMBER TO EAT_

Cougar is out the door and dialing Clay by the time the third and final text arrives.

_YOU CAN KEEP WHAT I LEFT AT YOUR HOUSE OR THROW IT OUT SORRY_

**\------**

Clay raises hell in a way Cougar hasn't seen since Pooch and Roque were stuck in a Chinese prison.

For some reason, the general can't seem to move beyond the fact that Jensen was _texting_ on mission. He drones on about compromising the mission, national security, and a hundred other things that only add to the icy rage building in Cougar's veins.

"There has been no sign of anything going wrong on this mission, come back if the laptop has anything of actual use on it," the general sneers.

Cougar stands there, carefully memorizing the general face while Clay continues arguing.

**\------**

Jennifer opens the door before Cougar can bring himself to knock. There are hollow circles under her eyes and she smells like cigarette smoke.

"He said you'd need the computer," she says in a hoarse voice before motioning him in. Cougar finds himself standing there staring at her, unable to cross the threshold. Her lips thin and pull back in what she probably hopes is a smile but looks closer to a grimace of pain.

"I know," Jennifer says as she grabs him by his uniform and tugs him into a rough hug. Under the smoke, he can still smell the lemons.

**\------**

There's a file called _yrros _on the desktop that asks him for a password when Cougar clicks it. It takes him almost two hours of staring at the laptop's keyboard and feeling beyond useless while Jennifer chain smokes on the couch before he remembers. He types slowly, using one finger to navigate, unlike Jensen whose fingers sprawled out all over the keyboard like they belonged there. 

_B-A-I-K-A-L_

The computer chirps happily and he holds his breath. The folder pops open and there are four items inside. Each one is numbered from 1 to 4.

Number one is a video.

"There is a video."

"Play it."

He picks up the laptop and moves to sit next to her on the couch before he presses play.

Jensen's face pops up on the screen, smile strained, eyes focused on something the camera can't see.

"I'm sorry." Jensen licks his lips and looks down, inhaling deeply. "I hope you guys aren't too pissed at me." Jensen's face is tight and suddenly he starts laughing, too high and too pressured to be normal. From his expression it looks like it's as painful for him as it is for Cougar to hear.

"Sorry, this is a little... weird, ya know? Feels like I'm stuck in a cheesy movie. But, back to why I did this, I've taken some precautions." Jensen sighs and glances towards the camera. "It's not a lot, but it's all I can offer you guys. I really wish I could do more." He gives the camera a sad smile. "Anyways, yeah. Files two through four are to be kept closed until you need them. Two and three for Jennifer and Beth, four is Cougar's. Now, if you open one of those, it will send an alert one of three people who owe me _big_ favors. No, Jennifer, you don't want to know how I know them or what the favors are. If you have to open one of them, click it and wait. They'll contact _you_ and will do anything you need from getting you money to helping make someone disappear." Jensen's face falls a little. "I'm really hoping you never need to use these. And don't pay any attention to the British guy, Cougs. He's all bark, no bite." Jensen gives a weak smile. "I want to tell you to hug Beth and how important you guys are to me, but I'm not sure how to do that without making a six hour video." Jensen looks away for a moment with a sigh before he smiles at the camera and Cougar hears Jennifer sigh heavily next to him.

"Now, be good. Don't make me come back as a ghost and haunt your asses. This has been weird and awkward in ways I can't describe, but it's been fun, guys."

The video stops and part of Cougar's heart stops with it. He can feel his pulse, still pushing blood through his veins, but it feels _wrong._

Next to him Jennifer exhales a choked, painful sound. "Dramatic little shit," she mutters while wiping at her eyes.

**\------**

Wade and his team come back minus one man and with an addition of one sob story about how _he poor kid bled out in our arms_ that doesn't match the looks in their eyes. Cougar wants to take one of Roque's knives and carve the look out of their skulls.

When he tells this to Roque, the other man nods and pulls a blade seemingly out of thin air, contemplating it openly in the middle of the hallway.

"Would you be satisfied if you did?" Roque asks in a steady voice, still watching the light reflect off the blade.

"No," Cougar admits. "I do not think I could ever be."

"Then don't bother," Roque says as he tucks the knife away. "When you think of something you can do that will stop it from hurting, you let me know."

"I would not need backup."

Roque gives him an almost pitying look. "Listen to me, Cougs, if you figure out something that leaves you feeling like you're no longer angry at those fuckers, you _will_ need someone. To stop you. Possibly to put you down." Roque stares down the hallway to where Jensen's team sits, his eyes cold and voice sounding deceptively bored. "Vengeance on that level? You don't walk away from it as the same person. You don't walk away from it a good person."

"So be it."

Roque turns his gaze on Cougar. "What would our boy think of you right now if he was still alive?"

Cougar feels his body move to strike Roque, but he freezes when he notices how Roque is standing there, loose and relaxed, accepting of the blow Cougar wants so badly to land on him.

"If you wanna hit me, you can," Roque says evenly. "It's a shitty thing I did. _I_ wanna hit me. But it's what _Jensen_ would have done if he was in my place, and you _know_ it. He would have damned himself a hundred times over to stop you from doing whatever scary shit is floating around in that fucked up head of yours." Roque's voice drops an octave. "He could forgive just about anything, but he never would have forgiven me if I didn't say that to you."

Roque turns to stares back down the hall to where Wade is now watching them both with a smirk on his face.

"The universe sometimes has a way of righting itself," Roque says quietly to Cougar. "It's not quite the 'a door closes, so a window opens' shit, but people sometimes get what's coming to them. Maybe not as much or in the way we want, but it comes for them all the same. And to take someone like Jensen from the world? You're looking at a lifetime of bad karma and some pissed off people coming your way."

"It is not enough."

"Ain't it the truth."

**\------**

No one outside of the Losers seems to question Wade's story. Wade seems to take great pleasure in this. In a week, Cougar has seen Wade _sauntering_ around base more than he has in the two years he's been stationed here.

The only thing stopping Cougar from acting on what he wants to do is the wall that Clay forms between him and Jensen's team anytime they show their faces.

Clay doesn't always speak, sometimes he stands there. Stares. Sometimes, when he's being a particular bastard, he asks after Beth.

"You cannot always be here to stop me." His accent is thicker than normal, almost harsh to his own ears. Jensen always found it amusing when he got like this; but Jensen is dead and won't be there _smiling_ and making Cougar's rage subside. His rage has nothing to calm it anymore, so it only burns hotter.

"I know." Clay's voice is rough and his eyes look a little too wild against his calm facade.

It reminds Cougar that he's not the only one hurting, and somehow that only makes him angrier at Clay. Yes, they all liked Jensen, were Jensen's friends, but they are not him, and right now Cougar doesn't feel anyone else could have earned the pain he feels. No one else could deserve it more.

"But I'll keep trying," Clay threatens more than promises.

Cougar bares his teeth but Clay stands his ground.

"I'm sorry."

Cougar hears himself yell, sees his fist connect with Clay's face, rocking the man back as blood starts to seep from his nose. Clay doesn't move, doesn't wipe the blood away, just stares back as his face reddens with the beginnings of a bruise.

"I'm sorry, son." The guilt is there, in Clay's voice, his eyes, his willingness to let Cougar vent his frustration on a superior with no recourse. But it's not _enough_. It's not even close to enough, and what's worse, Cougar already feels bad. Feels an echo of Jensen at his back telling him he's being an asshole.

"_Bastard_," Cougar whispers.

"Yeah," Clay admits, reaching up to wipe at the blood on his face, "But I'm also not gonna report you, so in the long run, this is far from the worst thing I've ever done. I won't lose any sleep over it."

Cougar clenches his jaw and doesn't bother to point out that Clay looks like he does after hard missions with endless days of little to no sleep.

**\------**

Pooch doesn't try to stop him from doing anything.

Instead Pooch takes him to a bar and punches the first person with a mean looking group of friends. The fight is exactly what Cougar needs, and he joins in, feeling closer to a smile than he has in weeks.

When it's over, the feeling runs off him like water. Leaving him full of post-fight adrenaline burning off and nothing else.

"That," Pooch pants from his spot on the curb next to him, "that felt good."

Cougar nods.

"But, it doesn't feel so great when it's over, does it?"

"No."

"Sucks, huh?" Pooch says sadly. "All those guidance counselors are wrong. You _can_ punch your feelings away, but the trick is to never stop long enough to feel anything else." Pooch groans and sprawls out on the sidewalk. "You wanna spend the rest of your life in a bar brawl, Cougar?"

"No."

"Good man," Pooch says sadly. "Better man than me."

**\------**

Jolene brings him a chocolate cake and after an awkward pause tells him he needs to eat more. As soon as the words leave her mouth, Cougar stops breathing and Jolene raises a hand to her mouth and looks away.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is soft, fragile in a way he has never associated with her. She's a woman built of steel, fire, and laughter, but right now she looks like lost and oddly delicate. "I didn't- I didn't mean..."

"I know," Cougar assures her and pretends he doesn't feel like yelling. He lets her make her excuses to leave and pulls on his coat and walks the cake down to a shelter two blocks away.

**\------**

Jennifer calls him later that night.

"They brought me a fucking flag." Her voice is thready and too quiet. "What the hell am I supposed to do with a fucking _flag?_"

**\------**

Cougar ends up calling Luz. He can tell she knows something is wrong. She speaks in Spanish to him, even though normally she only uses English.

"_Qué hace uno con una bandera americana? ¿Hace la muerte mas fácil una bandera?_" he asks her when she runs out of pointless things to say.

"_Ay, mijo, no lo sé. Nada hace la muerte mas fácil._."

**\------**

The Army sets up an appointment to discuss funeral arrangements at Jennifer's house. Jennifer says nothing about it, but Clay, who has always made it his job to know everything about everyone, finds out.

Jennifer doesn't seem surprised to have the Losers and Jolene on her doorstep three hours before the appointment. She waves them in and watches Jolene take over her kitchen and bark out orders to Pooch and Cougar to mix, fetch, and chop while Beth latches on to Clay and Roque.

When the doorbell rings, Jennifer sets down her glass of iced tea with a steady hand and walks to the front door and opens it, but doesn't allow the uniformed men into her house.

Cougar and Pooch lean against the wall behind her while Jolene grabs Jennifer's left hand and squeezes.

Jennifer nods along while the men speak, repeating herself twice before she closes the door on them with a polite smile. She leans against the door still gripping Jolene's hand and closes her eyes.

For a while, no one moves, everyone listening to the sounds of Roque, Clay, and Rowsdower doing their best to make Beth stop crying in the living room.

"I'm not burying an empty casket," Jennifer finally says, "but we should do something."

"Did you ever hear about the funeral for Hunter Thompson?" Jolene says after a pause.

**\------**

In the end, it's Jolene's idea they go with. Nothing feels like the _right_ idea, but hers is the most _Jensen_, so they go with it.

They all help haul six towers and three of the four laptops down from the attic as soon as the sun sets. Crammed into two cars, they drive to the empty field where Jennifer once threatened to kill Cougar.

When they get there, no one speaks. The Losers unload and pack all the computers with the Semtex that Roque and Clay managed to acquire.

There's an old brick wall near the back that's still solid enough to fit their needs that the others stand by to watch.

Roque wires it all up and everyone stays safely behind the wall. Cougar keeps his hands securely over Beth's ears when Clay pushes the button.

When it blows, it booms loudly and burns bright enough to illuminate the surrounding quiet of the forest. Eventually, the light fades and the forest goes dark again.

Cougar refuses to acknowledge it as a metaphor for anything. It's only an explosion and some trees.

He is the first to leave the wall, removing his hands from Beth's ears and motioning for her to stand back while he checks. When he and Roque are sure it's okay, they all file out.

They stand there, behind their cars, and watch the smoldering remains. Jolene hands out cookies that everyone eats but no one tastes. Beth doesn't cry, but Jennifer does, and nobody says any words about the dead.

Before Clay puts out the remaining fire, Jolene makes him wait and stands outside the fire circle and looks in.

"These were his favorite," Jolene tells the fire, holding out the remaining bag of cookies. "I _hate_ these fucking cookies," she says quietly before throwing the bag into the fire. The fire just crackles back at her till Clay sprays it away with foam.

That night, Cougar burns the post it notes he kept inside his wallet in the kitchen sink and falls asleep on Jennifer's couch with Beth wrapped up safely in his arms.

**\------**


	8. I know a range that's open all night.

Clay spends most of October yelling on the phone when he isn't staring into space in a furious silence.

After the first week, no one comes near his office unless they have to.

**\------**

Roque's safety comes off hard and fast.

If anyone comes near their team, Roque sees red. Clay becomes Roque's shadow out of necessity after Pooch pried a knife out of Roque's hand because a man bumped into Cougar accidentally.

**\------**

Pooch spends his time reminding everyone that while he may look calm and rational compared to the other Losers, he _isn't_.

Pooch isn't welcome in any bars off base by the end of the week and has been sleeping on Cougar's couch ever since the second time Jolene had to stitch him up after a fight.

**\------**

Beth stops talking. Beth stops doing much of anything. The energetic and outgoing girl becomes a shadow of herself. She hides from everything and clings to people like she thinks they'll fly away if she doesn't hold tight enough.

Sometimes when Cougar comes over they pretend to watch TV. She sits quietly next to him, one tiny fist gripping his shirt and one holding onto Rowsdower's fur as she stares at the TV. On bad days she cries and he holds her. On a handful of really bad days, he cries with her and pretend _he_'s holding _her_.

**\------**

After the first month passes, Cougar asks permission to take Beth to the opening of a new amusement park. Jennifer seems relieved to see them do something, packing snacks and assuring them both over and over that they'll have fun.

They don't. For the most part, they spend their day walking around the park in silence and watching the people around him. The only time Beth lets go of his hand is when he uses a poorly sighted BB gun to win her a stuffed bear. The bear she picks out is a horridly bright shade of orange and has pink eyes. She holds it but doesn't look at it.

On the car ride home, in a startling fit of rage that almost makes Cougar crash his truck, she rips the bears arms and legs off with wordless screams. The remains get hurled out the window and Beth keeps screaming and beating her fists against the seat until Cougar gets his truck to the side of the road and grabs hold of her.

In his arms the screams eventually subside into cries which turn into whimpers. When there are no more tears and no more rage left she sleeps.

When he carries her inside to her house, she clings even in her sleep, and neither he nor her mom miss her quiet whispers of a dead man's name.

**\------**

Cougar finds himself at Jennifer's on most nights,. Sober, if only because he won't risk upsetting Beth any more than she is.

Jennifer lets him in each time, feeds him, and puts him to sleep on her couch. Sometimes she sits beside the couch and sings to him until he falls asleep. It's never lullabies, and it's never in tune, but it's the same odd mix of songs Jensen used to hum when Cougar couldn't sleep.

Jennifer even hums the beginning to Holy Diver the same way Jensen did.

It should hurt, but it's the only thing lately that doesn't.

"He'll be sad to see how thin you've gotten," she murmurs one night. "He always worried when you lost weight after a mission. Always asked me what kind of foods you should eat to gain the weight back."

Cougar turns his head to look at her. She's staring into the unlit fireplace like it holds the answer to why her brother isn't here, or maybe why her brother's friend keeps showing up on her doorstep. The crow's feet around her eyes look deeper in the low light.

Cougar opens his mouth to speak twice, but can't find the words he needs in English.

"_Me olvido_," he croaks. Even though it's a lie, he hopes she understands. He doesn't forget to eat. He feels the hunger all the time. But the hunger is the only thing he can feel besides the pain, so he encourages it until it becomes pain.

He's too close to shutting down, feeling nothing, and he can't let that happen. Can't become the douchebag terminator.

He won't allow that to happen again. Roque was right, he owes Jensen at least this.

She hums absently. "At least I know I can tell when you lie."

**\------**

There's still a new toothbrush hanging next to his in the bathroom. A tiny trident drawn painstakingly from memory on the handle, done in hopes that it would make Jensen smile.

Cougar ignores the newer additions to his home and finds the space to live in the areas around them. He eats off paper plates with stolen spoons and only sits in his old chair. He listens to his records, but never watches the TV. His hands avoid the second towel in the bathroom and his eyes avoid the pictures he can't bear to look at.

Later, when Maria and Luz call he finds an excuse to hang up.

**\------**

Jennifer shows up on his doorstep at five in the morning.

"I know a range that's open all night," is all she says.

He waves her inside and closes the door behind her. He opens his safe while she stares out the window.

"Anything in particular?" he asks.

Jennifer shrugs and turns to examine the contents, "Goddamn, Cougar," she whistles. "Grab the Baikal for me, and whatever you want." 

Cougar nods and grabs his hard case and fills it up.

**\------**

Jennifer buys them both a bay and rents herself eyes and ears. For the most part, they don't talk. Jennifer takes the coach gun and makes her way through two boxes of birdshot while he practices firing from a prone position with his 629.

When Jennifer finishes her second box, she sits next to him and watches.

"You want to try?" he offers, dumping his brass and holding the cylinder out for her to see.

"Naw." She waves him off and picks up the Baikal from next to her. "But try this."

She breaks it open and hands it over to him before getting up to retrieve a third box of ammo. She hesitates momentarily before setting the box next to him. She stands there staring down at the cardboard lid till she turns. Her eye makeup is blurring around the edges and her cheeks are wet. Cougar moves to stand, awkwardly holding his arms at his side.

"Our dad was an asshole. When I lived at home, he used to knock us all around. So when I was sixteen, I left." Jennifer's voice breaks. "And at some point, mom stopped coming home too, so it was just Jake."

Jennifer shakes her head and breathes deeply.

"That fucker _bought_ a little girl from someone. She was _thirteen_ and he kept her locked up in the basement and..." Jennifer licks her lips and looks away. "Jake tried to get her out. He was so _little_ back then, but he tried. Our dad caught him." She stares down at the berm and wraps her arms around herself. "The neighbors heard the screaming and called the cops."

Cougar can barely feel his hands for how hard he's clenching them. Jennifer looks over at him and gives him a weak smile.

"I dropped out of college to take care of Jake so he wouldn't get sent into foster care," she tells him. "But there weren't a lot of well-paying jobs out there for a nineteen-year-old with a couple credits of art history under her belt, so I waited tables and got another job mixing drinks. I wore a lot of short skirts and flirted with a lot guys who made my skin crawl to keep a roof over our head." Jennifer looks up at Cougar, her expression closed.

"A lot of guys _get_ that it's for a bigger tip. Some don't. One started following me home."

The puzzle piece slides into place. "The man Jensen shot?"

"Yes." Jennifer nods. "The police couldn't do much when he first started showing up. They'd send a car over if he was lurking and increase the patrol in our neighborhood, occasionally a nice cop would hang around when I got scared. But he kept showing up, even after the restraining order. There was a break in. Nothing of value was taken, but some of my clothes were gone. Some pictures. A bottle of my perfume. One of the guys I worked with took me to the range after that. Got me lessons and let me try out the guns he had to see what I felt comfortable with. When I was ready to buy my own, he even went to the store with me." Jennifer looks down at the Baikal and sighs. "I was so scared _I'd_ have to use it one day." Jennifer takes a deep breath and looks up at him with tears in her eyes.

"I had to pry it out of his hands, Cougar," she says as her eyes look down range and see something Cougar can't. "He just shut down and ran away inside his head afterwards. He didn't even know how to hold it right, and his shoulder had this little bruise on it afterwards. He was always covered in bruises back then."

Cougar slowly takes and lays the coach gun down on the table and tentatively wraps his arms around Jennifer while she stares at the ground. She clings to him so closely that all he can smell is the gunpowder and lemons.

**\------**

The Losers get assigned first mission since...

After dinner at Jennifer's, Cougar breaks the rules for the first time and tells Jennifer he's leaving and when he should be back.

She cries hard enough Rowsdower starts whining and dancing at their feet in concern. Beth doesn't cry, but her tiny fists lock onto his clothes and she won't look at him. Cougar almost wishes she'd just cry, it might be easier.

"You have to come back."

It's the first time Beth spoken in weeks and for some reason it makes Cougar feel like a terrible person. He nods and picks her up, sitting her on his hip so she can wrap tiny arms around his neck.

**\------**

Luz and Maria show up on his doorstep weeks later. As soon as the door is cracked open, both force their way in with fake smiles and real hugs.

Beth wanders into the front room in the middle of Maria's hug to see what the commotion is and the whole room stills. Ignoring his sisters' questioning looks, Cougar holds a hand out in invitation to Beth, who takes it hesitantly. Cougar gives her a smile and she gives the shadow of one back.

It's a good enough start.

"These are my big sisters. Luz and Maria." Beth nods politely, but clings tightly to his hand, tiny pink nails biting into his skin. "You met them a few years ago, remember, _mija_?"

She nods, and doesn't hide herself behind him for the first time in weeks.

**\------**

Jennifer exchanges pleasantries flawlessly with both his sisters when she returns to pick up Beth before heading home. Cougar is tempted to follow her out the door rather than face his sisters, but manages to still his body.

He tenses up the moment he closes the door behind Jennifer and Beth. To his relief, there are no questions, just hot tea and quiet talk of Maria's husband and child when he returns to the living room. Maria and Luz sit on the couch Cougar doesn't sit on, drink from the mugs that Cougar doesn't drink from, and stare at pictures Cougar doesn't look at.

"Your apartment looks very different, Carlitos. It's a happy place," Luz says when Maria quiets, "so why are you so sad?"

Cougar shrugs and sets his tea on the floor next to his chair and looks out the window at the lazy clouds. His house is full of photos of smiling faces and for the first time he has the urge to smash every frame and tear every picture till there is nothing left.

"_Son tiempos difíciles,_" he says.

Luz hums into her mug. "For you as well as the girl and her mother, yes?"

Cougar doesn't bother responding.

"Your Jensen, he is no more," Luz guesses, making Maria hiss at Luz too low for Cougar to hear, but it doesn't matter. It's nothing he doesn't know, nothing he hasn't heard.

"_…El no era mío_."

"Well," Luz sighs, "they treat you as if he was." She sets her tea down and shrugs. "You mourn as if he was. What else matters?"

**\------**

A convoy in the Helmand province uncovers a set of tags outside an abandoned bunker. The tags are cleaned and shipped to Jennifer, who presses them down into Cougar's hands the first time she sees him. She presses them hard enough that he has to fight his body's urge to withdraw.

"I have so much of him haunting me." She tells him. "I thought maybe you'd be willing to let me share some of it."

He forces himself to push up, _up_ into her hand and the warm metal, hard enough that _sen, Jacob _can be read on his palm for almost half an hour afterwards.

He silently debates wearing them alongside his own, but knows that while his hair and hat may be overlooked, such a thing would not be.

He wonders about quitting the Army and wearing Jensen's tags on a beach somewhere in Mexico for the rest of his life. He wonders about dying while wearing them on that distant beach. The thought doesn't last long, but he made the mistake of thinking it in front of Jennifer, who as always knows.

The slap on his cheek stings almost as long as the partial name stays on his hand.

She turns red, lips thinning, and she looks at him like he's betrayed her. She chokes out a soft sound before she yells at him like he's her child, like he's being foolish, and she's full of knowledge he hasn't grown into yet.

He's already numb, but he feels himself crack open just a little when he realizes she is a mother. Not his and not Jensen's, but that has never stopped her from acting like she was. Scolding, praising, teaching, and nurturing them whenever they needed it. Doing so whether they liked it or not.

This is enough to make Cougar swear her every oath she demands of him; to live, to keep living, and to never think like that again.

"Don't you dare lie to me, Carlos. Not about this." Jennifer hisses at him. His name on her lips shocks something in him and makes him nod helplessly as she wraps her arms around him and holds him while he sits there numb with old pain and new realization.

"We're not blood, Cougar," she says in a firm voice, "but I've told you already that blood is something you can wash away. What we are is a family, one of _choice_, and families like that stick to you like herpes."

It's not funny. Not really. But it sounds like someone who used to make him laugh, so Cougar laughs until tears fall. Jennifer smiles and brushes a stand of hair from his face, her eyes as gentle as the Holy Mother's.

"I'm guessing you know who came up with the last part."

"Jensen," he manages to whisper the name he's been doing his best to not say, to think, or to hear.

Jennifer smiles with wet eyes. "He was _such_ a little shit, wasn't he?"

**\------**

When he returns to his haunted apartment, he places the tags on the table and presses his wrist into them as hard as he can for almost an hour. _Jensen, Jacob_ remains on his skin, right over his pulse point for almost three hours.

By the end of the first hour, it's accompanied by a bruise.

The bruise makes Cougar laugh so hard he cries for the second time that night, because even in death, Jake Jensen is covered in bruises.

**\------**


	9. Washington, the package is hostile, sir.

Grainy footage of a prisoner being tortured is found and sold to the news stations in the Helmand province in November. It plays only once and isn't broadcasted again.

Only a few brief moments of the video are shown, but within an hour of the news airing, the full tape is forwarded to Jennifer by an unknown email address.

_Your brother appears to have cheated death, note the timestamp. He will be insufferable about this, I can already tell,_ is all the email says. When Jennifer tries to respond, she receives a notice that the address doesn't exist.

When she calls Cougar, he literally shoves a man away from the nearest computer and logs on to an email account he mostly made so Jensen could fill it with rambling emails, rants, photoshopped pictures of people on base, and cats speaking broken English.

Despite the shaggy hair, beard, and bad quality, he knows within the first 40 seconds of the video that it's Jensen. He replays it over and over until Pooch pulls him away.

**\------**

Clay and Cougar are called back in to see the no-longer-sneering general who suddenly seems much more interested in what they have to say.

Cougar says nothing until he's allowed to see the whole tape. He's seen the clips from the news, but there's more, and he needs to see it. Clay backs him up without hesitation in a way that could easily cost him his job.

The general puts up the mandatory fuss before turning his computer towards them. In the brightly lit room, the grainy bluish-grey footage looks almost like it came from one of the low budget horror movies Jensen was- _is_ so fond of.

But it's not. It's real and full of real life horrors that the movies can't compare to. When Jensen isn't being questioned, which really is just torture with dialog, he sits against the back wall of his cell and stares into nothing.

He's _quiet_. Unnaturally so for any person, more so for Jensen. At one point, they bring in a boxy looking laptop they shove at him while talking. Jensen looks at it forlornly for a minute before turning away from it.

They hit him upside the head with it until he collapses.

There's only two hours of footage, but Cougar never looks away. He doesn't need to look up to know Clay is watching right along with him, even when the general blanches and looks away.

**\------**

Cougar isn't there to see Wade and his team taken into custody, but Roque describes it in exquisite detail for him any time he asks.

**\------**

It takes three days for intel to get anything useful from the tape. One of the men in the water boarding portion of the video has the top half of a tattoo visible on his arm. Once the image is cleaned up, they get what appears to be a decorative circle with a crown on top and a dagger inside.

Canada is less than pleased to have the badge of CANSOFCOM appear on this video and quickly offer their assistance. There aren't many clear shots of the man, but by the afternoon, they have a name. By the end of the week they have the man linked as a gun for hire to a terrorist organization located near Nahri Saraj.

The same day, the British media gets hold of the tape and the global media goes into a frenzy. An Australian news team manages to make the connection to the Canadian Special Forces within _three fucking hours_.

Jensen was right. His niece probably could do a better job than their intel.

**\------**

The general calls Clay back in and by the time he leaves the office, the Losers have a mission.

**\------**

Cougar sends a quick text to Jennifer, but has to turn in his phone before she replies.

**\------**

"As you know, our objective is to get in, find our missing man, and eliminate anything that gets in our way." Clay looks over the small group gathered at the airfield with his game face firmly on. "Understood?"

Cougar nods silently amidst the cries of _Hooah!_ that are voiced from every other man assembled. Pooch and Roque's voices booming from next to him make his blood rush faster in anticipation.

"Outstanding. Now, Delta and Juliet will be taking locations one and two. Col. Hughes will be leading you, your call sign is White. My Losers and Hotel will be taking three and four; our call sign is Washington. Our presence here is not to be felt. No names, no rank, no flags; so if you brought them with you, you leave them here. And for any first timers, better hope you didn't forget your cold weather kit, it gets cold fast out there."

Clay looks over the men gathered once more before nodding and turning to check on the Iroquois's pilots. The pilots both give the okay and Clay grins.

"That's our signal, let's bring our man home."

**\------**

The first base turns up nothing but an obscene amount of heroin, guns, and men willing to die for it. Cougar and the others systematically sweep the base and make the men prove it.

It's been a long time since he's enjoyed a job this much. From the look on the others' faces, he's not alone.

Just as quickly as they arrive, the Losers and the Hotel boys leave behind a burning mess as Pooch leads them towards location Four.

Clay has his radio out and is already making a call as soon as they're clear.

"White, this is Washington, over."

"_This is White, over," _ crackles back a familiar voice over the line.

"White, this is Washington Actual, location three is a negative. What's the sitrep on location one, over."

"_Washington, one is a bust. We're Oscar Mike, sir, over._"

Clay raises a hand to rub wearily at his head. "White, Roger that. Out." With that Clay throws down his radio.

"We still got two more places to check," Pooch says quietly, glancing to meet Cougar's eyes in the rearview mirror. "We'll find him."

**\------**

They're halfway to location four when Clay's radio starts screaming.

"_BREAK-BREAK! Washington, this is White, we can affirm the package's location, over._"

Pooch slams on the break and jerks the wheel so hard to the left that nearly everyone jolts forward. The Humvee behind them swivels around in an attempt to follow.

Grabbing the radio with one hand and the roll bar with the other, Clay grins. "White, this is Washington Actual, say again, over."

"_Washington, we have eyes on the package, over._"

Cougar exhales a breath he didn't even remember holding and Roque starts chuckling next to him.

"Out-fucking-standing!" Pooch crows from his seat, "ETA is twenty minutes."

"Make it ten," Clay orders before raising the radio again. "White, we're Oscar Mike, ETA ten minutes, out."

"You guys are really invested in this mission, huh?" one of the Hotel boys asks.

"Hell, yes, son," Clay drawls. "He's one of ours."

Pooch glances away from the road to lowers his shades on his nose and look over at Clay. He opens his mouth, but Cougar beats him to it.

"You got him?"

Clay puffs up in a way that normally makes Cougar roll his eyes.

"We get him home, he's all ours." Clay's smile becomes harder."Wade and his boys have been eighty-six'd and the general and I had a little chat about how things have been handled. We both-"

"_Washington, this is White Actual, over._"

The whole Humvee stills at the new voice on the radio, there's panic there and in the background it sounds like gun fire.

"White, this is Washington Actual, go ahead, over."

"_Washington, the package is hostile, sir. I repeat, the package is hostile. He's not recognizing friendlies, Washington. Over._"

"White, form a perimeter and give him his fucking space till we get there." Clay glances at Pooch.

"Four minutes."

"ETA four minutes. Over."

"_Washington, wilco, see you soon. Out._"

**\------**

When they arrive, Delta and Juliet have weapons at the ready and are surrounding the back side of the compound. The second Humvee is easily five minutes behind them. Hughes comes running up as soon as Pooch them rolls up.

"Sir!" He nods towards the back. "When we cut the power, they took him from his cell. We lost eyes for several minutes and when we got it back he was gone. One of my men, Carrillo, found him. Resourceful guy, bludgeoned his captors. But when Carrillo got near him, my guy almost got himself shot." Hughes meets Clay's eyes carefully. "We've explained who we are, but any time we get close, he's not responded with anything but lead, sir. We think he might be deafened and or visually compromised."

"Take us to him. Hotel, assist Delta," Clay barks and Hughes takes them around the compound where a half circle is formed around a kneeling body pressed against an outer wall.

_Jensen_.

Jensen is crouched with one leg turned out at an unnatural angle, in a ripped and heavily stained undershirt and boxers. He has no shoes or glasses, and his skin and hair's color are hidden under black and brown smudges, with hints of rusty red thrown in. At his feet is a pistol with the slide locked back and clutched in his hands is a boot.

Most importantly, Cougar can't help but notice that Jensen is _alive_.

And because he's Jensen and because he's alive, Jensen is pissing off people. Specifically, two other friendly units. Cougar thinks he'd smile if the circumstances were different.

"He ran out of ammo a few minutes ago," Hughes reports as they enter the half circle of men and advance.

When they get within ninety feet of Jensen, he snaps his head in their direction and narrows his eyes. The skin around Jensen's eyes is red and swollen along with most of his face.

"Cougar, Roque, you're with me. We go in unarmed," Clay says, handing his M16 off to Pooch who lays it in the Humvee. "The rest of you hang back."

"Sir, he's-" one of the Delta boys protests before Roque cuts him off.

"He's our man, we'll deal with this."

Cougar hands his own rifle to Pooch before removing his sidearm.

"Huges, where is the medevac?"

"Called as soon as we saw him. Should be here any minute now."

"Pooch, I want you to see if you can't get them to hurry up." Pooch nods and Clay slowly walks forward hands out to his side. Cougar and Roque follow suit next to him.

When they get to about 40 feet from Jensen, his posture loosens and he cocks his head at them, blue eyes zeroing in on them individually. The corners of his lips curl down and his eyes lose focus for a moment before focusing back on them. A thin line of blood seeps from the corner of his mouth and down into the scruff on his face.

"Jensen," Clay says in a low voice.

There's no reaction from Jensen. Licking his lips, Cougar hesitantly tries a whistle to catch his attention. Jensen's only response is to inch back a little against the wall. When they're closer, Jensen starts to raise the boot and then freezes.

"You came."

There's a childlike wonder in Jensen's voice that clashes with the red blood staining his teeth when he smiles. His voice is raw and his eyes lose focus on Cougar twice. Jensen even tips forward before catching himself, which makes Cougar slow his pace momentarily, and then start running towards him. The others follow.

Clay calls out twice to Jensen, but if Jensen can hear Clay's, he shows no signs of it.

Cougar drops to the ground on his knees in front of Jensen with a _crack_, he'll feel it later, but Cougar ignores it now to crouch and give Jensen his full attention.

"_Está bien._"

Jensen reaches out a mangled hand, at least two broken fingers from the angles and only one nail still intact, to gently brush against a lock of hair hanging over Cougar's cheek. Cougar feels his stomach fall out when Jensen tilts his head again. A trail of dried blood that runs from his ear to his neck becomes visible.

"_ ¿Me oyes?_" Cougar watches for any reaction, and swallows a whimper when he gets none. "_ ¿Me oyes?_" he tries louder and just barely catches Jensen blink twice before losing focus again.

"Your hair's so long. On 'e b-" Jensen coughs, and the tiny trickle of blood thickens as his dried out lips crack and runs sluggishly through his beard with the other blood already starting to dry there.

Cougar feels a surge of panic he hasn't felt since his first mission, only slightly calmed by the sound of Pooch radioing the medevac team to _get here right the fuck now, control!_

Jensen swallows, hand lingering for a moment until returning to the boot in a death grip. His eyes stare a thousand yards away over Cougar's shoulder, and he seems uncaring that Clay and now Roque have moved in on either side of him. Both men are quietly trying to pull away his too thin undershirt to assess his wounds.

"Through and through over here," Clay murmurs and Roque wordlessly digs out a Quickclot roll from his pack while Clay empties his canteen over the wound. Jensen makes a quiet sound in his throat and knocks his head back against the wall, teeth clenched. A smear of pale skin is revealed under Clay's care, only to disappear again under gauze.

"Hi' n' t'ght b'ck 'en," Jensen slurs, ripping Cougar's attention back to his face. He glances down, seeing Jensen's knuckles bone white around the boot. Cougar forces himself to try to smile reassuringly at Jensen, who doesn't notice. He rips off his gloves and covers Jensen's hands with his own. Jensen's hands are icy cold, and Cougar rubs slowly at them, trying to coax in warmth and to coax the boot out.

"'S long now," Jensen murmurs again and gives Cougar a wide, toothy, red smile. It's easily only 20 degrees out here and Jensen isn't shivering. Cougar feels a flash of fear.

"Should I cut it, then?" Cougar says as loud as he can. He doesn't expect an answer, but he needs to keep Jensen _here_ if he can. Jensen's brow wrinkles and he wavers slightly, tilting forward before Clay's hands steady him.

"Easy, kid, easy," Roque murmurs.

"No," Jensen chokes out with a frown, "'n't cut it." Jensen's voice is wavering now and his eyes are mostly closed. "S' nice." Jensen licks his lips, which only seems to smear more red and dirt around than anything else.

"Then I will not cut it," Cougar promises loudly enough his throat hurts.

"Y're 'o 'kinny..." Jensen murmurs sadly.

Cougar swallows and nods, hands finally able to pull the boot from his loosening grip. The boot is worn down at the toe, metal shining through holes in the leather, the entire thing caked in blood. Cougar throws it as far away from them as he can before quickly shedding his outer coat and draping it over Jensen's legs. He then grabs both of Jensen's hands in his, carefully cradling the broken fingers and missing nails. His fingers find raised scar tissue on one palm and it feels a little like victory.

"You will need to remind me to eat, yes?"

Jensen mumbles something that's cut off by a wet cough. Cougar sees more than feels the mist of blood hit his face, but ignores it to keep rubbing Jensen's icy hands.

"'Ways for'ts ta eat." Jensen shakes his head weakly before his eyes roll up. Cougar hears himself choke out a cry as Jensen's body goes limp.

Dimly, in the background, he can hear Clay and Roque talking, but he ignores them. The sounds of rotor blades, just barely loud enough to be heard in the distance, and the weak thrum of Jensen's pulse against his fingers are all that matters.

"Jensen." He tries shaking lightly at the limp body in front of him. "Jake. Jake. _Despierta_," he urges as Clay and Pooch pull him from Cougar's arms while Roque holds Cougar back from following.

"It's okay, Cougs. He'll be okay," Roque says with a false confidence that Cougar can see right through.

Cougar doesn't remember the HELO landing, or actually getting in it. What he does remember is a blur of the two times Jensen's heart stops.

The first time it happens, they're still on the ground, while Clay pounds on Jensen's chest and Pooch breathes for Jensen without a mask. He remembers Roque and Hughes holding him back while the medics took over. How they cut off Jensen's shirt and laid white plastic patches on Jensen's chest that made his body jump and twitch. How after the twitching stopped, Jensen's chest started moving on its own again.

The second time, they're in the air. He remembers almost punching a medic and Clay literally pulling him on his lap like a poorly behaved child as he tried to hold him still while Pooch and Roque held his arms down when the heart monitor started crying out. He remembers crying along with it silently, unable to move, or reach Jensen's too still body.

He remembers a pinch on his arm and then feeling _so tired,_ but being too afraid to actually sleep. He remembers thinking if he closed his eyes he'd never get to say goodbye. His eyes closed anyways.

**\------**

Cougar wakes up cuffed to the side of a plane's belly. Hughes watches him wake warily across from him.

"Welcome back, Alvarez."

Cougar grunts and doesn't bother to correct him. Hughes checks his watch and looks back up.

"We're about five hours out. The rest of your team is with the tech. Who's doing well, by the way."

Cougar feels himself sag with relief. "Where?" Cougar asks hoarsely.

Hughes nods to the door. "Next compartment. The medics aren't too happy with you, so you had to stay back here with me till you got yourself sorted out."

Cougar tugs twice on his wrist pointedly. Hughes snorts.

"Yeah, 'cause if I let you go, you'll just sit there like a good boy, right?" Hughes picks up the book on the bench next to him and starts to read.

Cougar swallows a growl and does his best to stare a hole through the man.

**\------**

Roque is the first person to come back and check on him. He looks tired, but his shoulders are relaxed for the first time in months so Cougar takes it as a good sign.

"You cool?"

Cougar nods and yanks hand against the cuff. Roque shakes his head.

"Yeah. We need to talk before I take that off." Roque looks over to Hughes, who nods and stands. "Would you go tell Clay he's up while you're in there?"

"You got it," Hughes promises.

Roque watches Hughes leave until the door is firmly closed behind him. When it is, Roque moves to sit on the bench across from Cougar.

"You made quite a scene on the HELO, man. Almost took off a medic's head."

Cougar sets his jaw and stares back at Roque.

"Now, you shouldn'ta done that, but I can understand it. It's not like every one of us hasn't done something like that before. But you did it in front of two other units." Roque shakes his head. "We can explain this off, this time, but this can't happen again if we're gonna get Jensen on our team. People will talk."

Cougar knows this is Roque being kind and trying to help him, but it still makes his blood boil.

"There is nothing to talk about," Cougar hisses.

"While that may be the case, that won't matter if the wrong person hears something they don't like." Roque meets his glare and holds it. "And you know this, bro. The wrong asshole hears this and one or both of you will be transferred with plenty of legitimate sounding bullshit explaining why." Roque leans back and crosses his arms. "So, I'm gonna ask again. If I let you go and in there to see our boy, you going to be cool? Or are you gonna give the medics more to gossip about?"

Cougar grits his teeth. "I am cool."

Roque rolls his eyes, but stands and digs a key out of his pocket before dangling it just out of Cougar's reach.

"You better be." He tosses the keys to Cougar who catches and unlocks his hand before standing.

"Your boy's been asking for you. I think. What he is saying is mostly gibberish, but some of the gibberish is about a skinny cat." Roque leers and Cougar flips him off and heads to the door.

"Hey, Cougs, one more thing. It's important." Cougar pauses and turns his head. "We already got called back in. So when we land, Jensen goes one way and we'll be heading back to the sand box." Roque's voice gets the soft tone that Cougar associates with Roque after lots of alcohol and or proximity to a drunk or worried Jensen. "Clay tried to get us out of it, but..."

Cougar nods and pushes through the door. He went months thinking Jensen was dead; he can go a few weeks away from him if he knows he's alive.

At least he hopes so.

**\------**

The medics give Cougar a wide birth so Clay is the one to explain to him that there is some concern about an infection in Jensen's leg and damage to the soles of his feet that might cause problems. The second biggest concern they have right now is with the acoustic trauma he suffered.

Jensen lays there while Clay fills him in, smiling up at everyone and knocking his bandaged hands playfully against their arms with all the glee and ferocity of a doped up kitten.

It's quite possibly the greatest thing Cougar's ever seen.

Jensen eats up any attention he's given, and continues to sloppily touch anyone who comes close enough to his bed for him to reach. The medics tend to _just_ tolerate it, but Cougar is pleased to see even Roque and Clay sitting close enough that Jensen can bump his hands into them while slurring his endless gibberish to them.

"It's most likely a combination of the stress, drugs, and exhaustion," one of the kinder medics says with an understanding smile as she exchanges Jensen's empty IV for another. Jensen warbles at her and pokes her in the stomach until she laughs and bats him away gingerly.

"He is one of the happier ones I've ever seen though."

"Oh, no, he's like this all the time," Pooch laughs. "100-mph tape couldn't keep his mouth shut."

The medic laughs. "Please tell me you didn't test this theory."

"No, ma'am, but the thought has crossed my mind once or twice. I like to keep a roll on me just in case."

"Most of the time he has the decency to speak English though," Roque adds with his version of a smile.

"Still, it's a good sign that he's this talkative and interactive. Normally people who've..." the medic trails off with a sad smile. "This is a good sign. Most people become withdrawn. Uncommunicative. This, honestly, is something you should be grateful for." She gives them all a nod and Jensen a fond look and a light pat on the shoulder and returns to her seat on the other side of the cabin.

Jensen's eyes follow her sleepily before turning to mumble nonsense to Cougar with a lazy smile. Cougar smiles and nods back like he understands.

They pass the hours listening to Jensen and taking turns feeding him ice cubes. When he starts biting at Clay and giggling at his disgruntled looks, Cougar feels the rest of him start to relax.

He's drugged up and hurt, but there's still Jensen in there, and he's alive and kicking.

When the plane starts to touch down, Cougar impulsively takes off his hat and places it in Jensen's bandaged hands.

"We will be back."

Jensen doesn't seem to hear him, but hums in delight at the hat in his hands, squishing it to his chest before batting it around.

"Take care of this for me, yes?"

When the medics transfer Jensen to the other plane, it's all Cougar can do to stand there and not follow him.

"Be cool," Roque murmurs, too low for anyone else but them to hear. Cougar nods as Jensen stares helplessly back at them and screams wordless sounds as he's rolled away.

"Be cool," Roque repeats, and Cougar swallows and looks away. When he sees the other Losers, takes a moment to wonder who Roque was talking to. Clay stands there looking like he's been ordered to leave a wounded man in hostile territory. Pooch has his hands clenched so hard at his side that he's shaking. Roque looks like memorizing the medics wheeling Jensen away the same way Cougar once memorized the sneering general.

They all just got Jensen back after thinking him dead, and they all saw the betrayal on his face when they let strangers wheel him away from them, away from the first glimpse of _safety_ he's felt in months.

Jensen will understand, later, Cougar knows, but right now...

Right now he's being torn away from the people he trusts by strangers, and the people he trusts aren't doing anything to stop them.

**\------**


	10. Were bedroom eyes involved?

They spend three weeks freezing their asses off in the desert for _no fucking reason_. To add insult to injury, on top of the bad intel that got them there in the first place, another fuck-up leads to it taking an extra week to even get them picked up.

Cougar spends all four weeks obsessively feeling for the outline of the slim black phone in his flak vest, hoping to feel it buzz.

It never does.

**\------**

When Cougar is finally debriefed given his tiny grey phone back, the inbox has four texts, all from Jennifer.

_Come back in one piece._

_Whoever did this better be dead._

_Jake's been asking about you guys. They're letting him out tomorrow._

_Jake's been ordered to Virginia. He wouldn't say what for._

The last message was sent almost three days ago. Cougar shows it to Clay, who takes one look at it and heads to his office to do some digging. The rest of them wait in the stiff plastic chairs outside.

"Does it feel like lately all we fucking do is wait?" Pooch mutters.

**\------**

Clay returns with a stack of files and a shit-eating-grin. "You boys up for a road trip to pick up our newest Loser?"

**\------**

Pooch ends up renting the largest van he can find, and after a brief pit stop at Jennifer's, they're off. Pooch and Clay ride up front, Jennifer and Roque in the second row, and Beth and Cougar claim the last row for themselves.

It's actually a strangely enjoyable trip if you can ignore the pre-teen pop music Clay lets Beth put on and the tension running through everyone.

Beth is a ball of nerves, looking at the tiny pink watch on her wrist every few minutes until she falls asleep, leaning against Cougar. Jennifer and Pooch carry most of the conversation, which quickly devolves into stories of younger Jensen terrorizing the neighborhood and getting the house of one of his college professors foreclosed. It's light and happy, and the perfect thing to distract the Losers from memories of the last time they saw Jensen. And if only for that reason, it ends.

"I assume they have him in Virginia for a reason." Jennifer looks back to check on Beth, still snoring softly against Cougar's arm. "So what's the reason?"

Clay and Roque exchange a look before Clay clears his throat.

"They'll want to know what happened. How he ended up there. What he knows about the people who held him, and why he was held." Clay glances back at Jennifer in the rearview mirror and shrugs. "Normally, this is done closer to home, but obviously there were some bigger things than just bad luck or bad intel leading to this, so they're gonna want to get as much information from him as they can."

"Has he already passed his psych eval?" There's a hardness in Jennifer's voice that makes Cougar sit up straight and Clay turn in his seat to observe her.

"Yes, ma'am."

Jennifer nods and looks out the window while Clay continues softly, "His doctors are really impressed with his progress. We couldn't ask for better results."

"Experience tells me that's not a good sign," Jennifer says, running a hand through her hair.

There's a heavy silence in the car.

"Doing what we do... It helps to be a little crazy," Clay says. "No one goes in and tells them exactly what they're thinking after something like that. We all lie."

"There's lying and then there's lying better than most people tell the truth. I'm guessing your shrinks are only looking for one of those things," Jennifer snaps before frowning and looking out the window, "Sorry, just...Jake _needs_ people no matter what he says. He needs human contact, like everyone else. And he spent months without any human contact that didn't end in pain." Jennifer leans her head against the window and watches the passing scenery. "And that terrifies me."

"It should," Clay says gruffly. "Things like that, you don't get over. You live through something like that and you'll go to your grave remembering it better than you can remember some of the good moments in your life."

"Is that supposed to be comforting?"

"No. But it's the truth." Clay meets her gaze unapologetically in the mirror. "I spent ten days in '94 learning that _everyone_ has a breaking point. Two more in '98. Thirteen in 2007. I know every waking minute of those days like the back of my hand. Those days made me a better man. They made me a worse man, too."

"2008," Pooch pipes up. "Six weeks." Pooch gives a small smile. "It was _not_ the year of the Pooch."

"One day in 2001. Six weeks in 2008." Roque nods at Jennifer's silent question. "Yeah. We could hear each other sometimes."

Jennifer pales and looks back out the window. "That's fucked up."

"It was," Pooch agrees, while Roque shrugs.

"How do you guys sleep after that?"

"Poorly," Cougar says quietly so as to not wake Beth. Jennifer turns around and searches his face.

"2006. Three days," Cougar says easily.

Jennifer closes her eyes and sighs, "I kinda hate all of you right now, and I'm not sure why."

"That's fine, you can hate us if it helps," Roque says quietly.

"Can you promise me it will never happen again?"

"Only if you want me to lie."

Jennifer makes a strangled sound and buries her face in her hands. "Then at least promise me you'll have his back unlike those other fuckers."

"Of course," Roque says easily. "He's one of ours."

"Good." Jennifer glances back once more at her sleeping daughter and sighs, "What's gonna happen to his old team?"

"Dishonorable discharge and criminal investigation with a laundry list of crimes."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"You know, when I started that fight with Jensen, Cougar spent a whole week melting down my favorite knives." Roque smirks and looks over at her. "He let me be brought up on criminal charges. I was accused of supporting international terrorism."

Jennifer turns and raises her brow. "Cougar?"

"_Es posible_," he says with a shrug.

"You're getting a hug later, mister."

"When we thought..." Roque shrugs. "If no one else did first, I planned to be doing some pest control by the end of the first year."

Jennifer contemplates this for a while before nodding. "On another note, I'm gonna give you guys a heads-up. Jake has been extra touchy feel-y thanks to the drugs,"

"He was kinda like that on the plane ride back," Pooch says with a real grin. "It was kinda cute."

Jennifer snorts. "Well, he's still at it. Pain pills and him never mix well." She takes a deep breath. "If it bothers you, tell me, not him. One of the doctors complained and Jake didn't take it well. So if it's a problem, I'll make sure to keep him away from you, just, come to me, okay?"

"Didn't take it well?" Clay queries.

"Yeah. Like, he stopped touching everyone for two whole days." Jennifer waves a hand in the air in irritation. "He got really jumpy and had stopped sleeping by the end of the week. Took two days to get him to stop flinching away from me."

"I didn't like that doctor," Beth says sleepily from Cougar's arm. She stretches and wipes at her eyes while Jennifer glances back quickly with a guilty smile.

"I didn't either, baby. But cheer up, you're gonna get to see the Pentagon!" Beth looks less than thrilled, but gives her mom a small smile after Cougar nudges her.

**\------**

They end up waiting almost two hours for them to finally release Jensen from their debriefing. When Clay and Jensen finally come out of the building, it's not quite what Cougar had expected. Although he's moving confidently on his crutches, Jensen looks exhausted and frail. One of his BDU pant legs is ripped up and rolled up over a cast that covers from above his knee to his foot. He stops moving as soon as he sees them and gives them all a shaky smile but keeps his eyes focused on the ground in front of them.

It takes all of Cougar's self-control to walk calmly towards him. Beth has no such restraint and launches herself at her uncle. Jensen noticeably winces when she wraps her arms around him, but manages to give her a big smile.

"Hey, kiddo!" Jensen braces himself on his crutches, moving them so they don't crowd Beth but still keep him up. "I missed you," Jensen says quietly, moving a hesitant hand to her head.

Jensen's head raises and he looks over the more calmly advancing group. Jensen smiles. "Fancy meeting you all here."

Cougar snorts and moves closer to the other man, pressing his shoulder into Jensen's while the others get their greetings out of the way. Jensen smiles and does his best to hug everyone and thank them, all the while leaning into Cougar's side.

"Well, as fun as it is to stand here in front of a national landmark with tons of security cameras watching us hug, let's get Jake off his feet and hit the road," Jennifer says after Pooch scoops Jensen into his third hug.

Clay nods. "You heard her, back in the van, Losers!"

Jennifer gives Clay an amused look and he winces good-naturedly.

"Losers and our _lovely_ ladies."

Beth beams up at Clay while Roque rolls his eyes and continues to do his version of hovering that comes off move looking more dangerous than concerned.

They pile into the van, Cougar taking Jensen's crutches and helping him into the back seat while Beth does her best to be everywhere at once. Jensen enjoys her attention though, grabbing her and pulling her onto his lap while Cougar climbs in next to them. When he's seated, Jensen leans closer, pressing their arms together again while holding Beth to him as she happily fills him in on what he's missed the past few days.

When she quiets, content to cling to him, Jensen nudges Cougar with his shoulder once.

"Hey."

Cougar nudges back.

"Thanks for coming to get me." Jensen gives him a strained smile, eyes heavy and tired. "Both times."

Cougar shrugs and looks down at Beth who watches them both avidly. Cougar gives her a quick wink that earns him a smile.

He looks back at Jensen. "I am sorry we could not stay with you. After."

"Eh." Jensen yawns and fumbles one-handed for something in his pocket. He pulls out a bright orange bottle of pills. Cougar suddenly notices that tiny tan bandages are wrapped around the tips of his fingers.

"You guys had a mission." Jensen frowns. "Was weird, not knowing where you guys were. Jennifer wouldn't let me have my computer."

Jennifer gives a put upon sigh from in front. "You had eight broken fingers. You would have just made it worse."

Jensen scrunches up his face and sticks out his tongue at the back of her head, prompting giggles from Beth.

Jensen goes back to fumbling with the bottle before Cougar plucks it from his hand, twisting the cap off easily.

"How many?"

"Only one."

Cougar nods, shaking out one yellow pill which Jensen happily takes. "My hero! My leg's been killing me and those fu- _stupid_ men," Jensen corrects himself quickly, "didn't want me taking anything during our little chats."

"They wouldn't let you take anything for the pain?" Jennifer says, scandalized.

"Nope. Apparently they stopped by my first day back and I was all," Jensen wiggles his bandaged fingers around dramatically, "on the good stuff and, you know, massive loss of bodily fluids both watery and red. So they got all uppity and demanded I go in clean." Jensen dry swallows the pill and waves his hand again. "But it's over, Clay made the bad men go back to their cubicles in hell, and I can take as many pain pills as I want."

Cougar looks at the bottle. "No," he tells Jensen firmly, "One every six hours."

"Pill Nazi."

**\------**

Somewhere between Clay and Jennifer _gently_ (thanks to Beth's presence), chewing Jensen out for not calling them when he was denied his medication, Jensen falls asleep. He slouches into the window, still clutching Beth too him with one hand and with his other he keeps a bruising grip on Cougar's wrist. He spends most of the long ride in fitful sleep, but Cougar isn't disappointed in the least.

Yes, it's been a month since he last saw Jensen. And before that, it was over three months of thinking Jensen was dead. But Jensen's alive and _mostly_ well, so if he needs sleep, Cougar will let him sleep.

**\------**

They drop Beth and Jennifer off before taking Jensen to Cougar's. It takes Roque and Clay with Pooch spotting them to haul the mostly asleep Jensen up the stairs.

"Down the hall. First door on the left," Cougar directs them once he gets the door open, laying the bag of medication on the counter. The laughter that emerges from the back tells Cougar they've found the room.

"Really, bro, really? _Pink_?" Roque is cackling as Cougar enters the room.

"Beth pic'd 't out," Jensen slurs back with a frown, examining the blanket. "Th't it got all burned up tho' in the fire."

Roque's laughter stops.

"I found it at the store," Cougar says, causing Jensen to blink up at him and back down at the blanket.

"You sure you don't wanna crash on the bed?" Pooch asks with a frown as he helps Jensen unbutton his BDU shirt, leaving Jensen in only his pants and undershirt. "More room, less likely you'll fall and bust your head open."

Jensen makes a sour face. "Beds're stupid."

Pooch gives a tired laugh, but concedes. "Alright, man. We're gonna head out and return the van. Cougs is gonna stay here though, so you aren't gonna be alone. But if you need us, call, okay? Me and Jo can be here in fifteen minutes if you need us." Pooch says, waving his own cell phone in front of Jensen and leaving it on the side table.

Someday, Cougar thinks, Pooch will make a great father.

"'Cause 'm a Loser now?"

Pooch gives Jensen a sad smile. "No, it's 'cause you're our friend."

"'m not a Loser? Th' creepy general said-"

"You're a Loser, but that's not why we're here," Clay cuts him off firmly. "Understand?"

Jensen nods and Roque leans over and pulls Jensen's glasses off and sits them on the table next to the couch.

"Get some sleep, kid. We'll see you tomorrow."

"'Kay." Jensen frowns. "Cougs is staying though, right?" There is anxiety in his voice, made painfully obvious by the pills.

"Yes," Cougar assures him. "Want me to sleep in here tonight?" Jensen nods. "I will see them out and return, yes?" Jensen nods again as his eyes follow the others as they leave.

Cougar lingers in the door, watching Jensen watch him. "I will be back," he promises. Jensen turns and lays his head back down on the pillow, mumbling.

"She was _not_ kidding about the pain pills," Pooch says with a lackluster smirk when he joins the others in the front room, "You sure you're okay by yourself here? Jolen-"

"Cougar's got this, let's head out so he gets back before Jensen tries to wander out here on his own," Roque says. "Knowing Jensen, he'd break every damn bone in his body doing it."

Clay clasps Cougar on the back on his way by. "If you need us, call." Clay meets his eyes and squeezes Cougar's shoulder, eyes growing hard. "If he needs _anything_, call."

Cougar hums and walks them all to the door and locks it behind them. He does a quick round, checking the windows before returning to Jensen's room.

On the couch, Jensen has managed to prop himself up, the pillows once holding up his leg are strewn across the floor. He looks more alert than Cougar's seen him all day.

"You came back." Jensen's voice is wrecked and his eyes are a little too wild.

"I said I would." Cougar closes the door behind him and moves to collect the fallen pillows. "You were not supposed to move."

"We're at your place, right?"

"Our place. You live here, too."

Jensen nods, gazing around the room. "It's changed."

Cougar bites his tongue. A lot can change in three months. "Jennifer did most of it." He gives Jensen a small smile. "Beth drew pictures for the walls. You can see them later."

"But... When did you guys have time to do this? You just got back, didn't you?"

Cougar pushes the pillows back under Jensen's leg carefully before sitting on the floor by the couch.

"We did this the week after you left on your mission," Cougar admits quietly.

"And..." Jensen frowns. "You just left it like this when you thought I was dead?"

Cougar's lips thin, but he nods.

"Why?"

Cougar shrugs one shoulder and Jensen looks away.

"I have your hat. It's at Jennifer's," Jensen says with a hint of desperation. "I thought it was a dream, you know? I woke up in the hospital and it just felt like maybe it was a hallucination and some other group of guys got me out of there. 'Cause I woke up alone." Jensen's voice breaks and his hand starts to move toward Cougar before he stills it. "I was all alone and I could hear Jennifer yelling outside my room at someone, so I knew I was safe, but I thought maybe I went crazy. Which I've been worrying about _a lot_ lately." Jensen looks away. "Everything hurt, and I was in a bed in the middle of the room, and then Jennifer came in like she did- Only your stupid hat was on the side table, and..." Jensen stops speaking and gasps for air.

Cougar lifts his own hand impulsively and slides it over Jensen's, interlacing their fingers. Jensen squeezes fiercely.

"My hat is not stupid."

Jensen chokes out a mix of a sob and a laugh. "Yeah, you have a point," Jensen agrees. "It's the best hat in the world." Jensen grips harder at his hand, bandages digging into Cougar's skin. "That was you guys, right?" he asks desperately.

"Yes."

"Good. So I'm not crazy. In that way. I probably should be embarrassed right about now, huh?"

Cougar shrugs. "Roque was drugged once. We were in Africa, and he danced for us. Jolene has dragged Pooch off base, in front of everyone, by the ear. Clay has gone into battle naked." Cougar gives Jensen a small smile. "I was once tied up and carried off base. There were pictures. A video."

"Roque danced? Was it for Clay? Were bedroom eyes involved?"

Cougar wiggles his eyebrows. "I have been sworn to secrecy."

"Under threats involving knives, I'm guessing." Jensen laughs quietly and then turns to examine Cougar, his smile slowly fading. "You haven't been eating," he says softly. "I bet I could count all of your ribs."

Cougar feels a wave of guilt wash over him and he looks down briefly.

"I'm sorry," Jensen says quietly.

Cougar looks up, confused. "_¿Por?_"

"This was hard on you," Jensen says sadly. "I get the feeling you've kinda been..." Jensen shrugs weakly. "Not good." Jensen gives him a lopsided grin. "I don't like that you went through that and I wasn't there to help."

"Our team. Jennifer, Jolene, and Beth. We helped each other." Cougar licks his lips nervously. "But you were alone."

Jensen closes his eyes and leans back into his pillow. "I wasn't alone. I had memories. _Lots_ of them." He squeezes Cougar's hand. "You were there. Jennifer and Beth were there. The guys, too. I wasn't alone, and when it got bad, I'd just get myself lost in them. It wasn't so bad."

They both fall silent and Cougar ignores the lie and leans his head against the couch, Jensen's other hand moving across his body to rest on top of Cougar's head.

"Would you kill me if I petted you right now?"

Cougar feels the start of a genuine laugh start to bubble up in his chest. He squashes it and shakes his head. "I would not."

"Sweet." Jensen's bandaged fingers card in and then through his hair in a repetitive motion. "Can't feel a thing with these fucking things." Jensen grouses while keeping up the motion.

Cougar closes his eyes and his mouth opens without thought and words come tumbling out. "You were like this on the plane."

"It's the pills. I might be a little high right now," Jensen murmurs. "I can't remember much of the plane ride. The drugs mess with my memory sometimes. Did you let me pet you then?"

"No." Cougar shakes his head and feels Jensen's bandages scratch across his scalp in the motion. "You pawed at everyone, though. Everyone else thought it was funny."

"You didn't?"

"A little." Cougar sighs, rolling his head up a little into the motion, causing the fingers to rub at his scalp. "_Estaba triste._"

Jensen sighs, fingers still moving. "You know, you're all walking on eggshells and being really nice and not pressing for answers, which is awesome by the way, 'cause I kinda feel like I've been run over by a train. Only, then that train's friend came along and ran me over emotionally when the first one was done. But I kinda feel like you really need to know some things." Jensen swallows. "At the very least _you_ deserve to know. So go ahead. I'm your genie. Three questions will get you three answers tonight. A one-time only offer, get it while it lasts."

Cougar looks up, dislodging Jensen's fingers, which fall back to the couch. "You are certain?"

"Sure." Jensen shrugs. "Worst case scenario, I feign sleep and become a liar." Jensen's hand sneaks back up into Cougar's hair, rubbing and mussing the hair on the side of his head. "Go ahead," Jensen urges.

"Your apartment?"

"Not sure. I'm guessing Wade or Wade's secret boss who did it," Jensen says easily.

"How were you captured?"

"Pretty easily." Jensen sighs, and his fingers still in his hair momentarily. "They shot me full of something and handed me over."

Cougar draws a sharp breath and grinds his teeth.

"Hey, it's okay. Well, it's not, but I'm okay," Jensen murmurs. "Mostly."

Cougar nods and swallows. "Why did they keep you alive?" Cougar's voice breaks. "To be kept like that for so long..." Cougar trails off, unable to continue.

"Well, after the apartment, I expected the mission to be of the unfun variety."

"And you went anyway."

"Yes," Jensen nods, "I had to. But I took precautions. Made sure they couldn't afford to let me die."

Cougar wants to ask, to press for more, but instead he can only think of one thing.

"What if we never found you?"

Jensen laughs, an honest and light sound which doesn't match their mood or their conversation. "I never thought of that, to be honest."

Cougar's torn between hitting Jensen and hugging him, so instead he just squeezes Jensen's hand and presses his face back into the couch while fingers run through his hair.

"_Me estás volviendo loco._"

**\------**

Jensen doesn't stay asleep for more than an hour at a time. After the second time Jensen wakes up gasping and manages to throw himself to the floor, jarring his leg, Cougar leaves the bed and resumes sitting on the floor by the couch. It seems to calm Jensen some, and it helps calm Cougar down as well.

The third time Cougar reaches out to sooth Jensen's nightmares, his touch causes Jensen to come up swinging. It is physically painful to watch, more so than the actual blow to his face. But at the same time Cougar is glad Jensen still has the will to fight.

"Sorry. It's just- It felt like you came out of nowhere," Jensen says in a strangled voice, unable to look away from where his fist landed. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry..."

Cougar decides to play dirty. "My back hurts."

Jensen stops babbling apologies and stares at him in confusion. "Did I hurt your back?"

"No."

Jensen blinks owlishly.

"From sitting here. Hunched over on the hard floor."

Guilt floods Jensen's eyes and Cougar waves it off. "Maybe we try the bed?"

Jensen frowns, but doesn't fight the suggestion. "Sure, man."

Jensen sits up and Cougar helps him stand, throwing Jensen's arm over his shoulder and taking the weight off the injured leg. Together they hop Jensen over to the bed.

Cougar grabs the blanket and pillows, propping Jensen's injured foot up before climbing in the other side. When Jensen finishes settling himself with a frustrated sigh, Cougar grabs his hand and threads their fingers.

"You will not fall and I can stay closer so I do not surprise you." Cougar squeezes his hand once.

Jensen huffs and smiles. "Admit it, you're just trying to bed-train me like Jennifer."

Cougar allows a small smile.

"She's in on this, isn't she?"

"She pays me well for my services."

Jensen nose wrinkles. "That sounds super creepy, dude, in at least two ways, so I'm gonna have to ask that you never use that sentence again."

"Then, sleep."

Jensen gives a put-upon sigh. "If I must."

"You must."

Jensen allows him the last word, and within twenty minutes he's dozing lightly. Still tossing and turning as much as his propped up foot will allow, but not as rigid with fear or tension as he was before.

When Cougar is woken back up by Jensen's harsh breathing, the clock says he's been out fifty-five minutes. The second time, Jensen's out fifty-three minutes, and the third time Jensen lasts a little over an hour. That, combined with no new bruises on either of them, feels like progress to Cougar.

"I hate this fucking thing. It's like sleeping on a bag of fluff, it's so _squishy_," Jensen complains as he tosses and turns.

"_Tu sofa es_ 'squishy'," Cougar grouses back sleepily, still clutching his hand.

"My couch is perfect. Your bed hates me."

"_Nunca llueve a gusto de todos._"

"Are you talking about rain?" Jensen asks with real curiosity.

"I say that it never rains to everyone's..." Cougar frowns and rolls his hand in the air. "Preference?"

"Is that some the grass-is-always-greener-type shit?"

Cougar shrugs.

"Well, hate to break this to you, but your grass isn't green, it's dead grass spray painted green and stuffed into a mattress."

Cougar snorts, and tugs at Jensen's hand. "_Duérmete_."

**\------**

When Jensen wakes up for the final time, he does so in a great deal of pain. He's not loud about it, if anything he's too quiet. The heavy breathing, stillness, and pinched expression on his face give it away immediately.

"_Cabrón_," Cougar mutters and untangles their hands to fetch Jensen's pills and a glass of water before the moron tries to get them himself or does something even worse, like try to ignore the pain.

"Where you going, Cougs?"

"Pills."

"Nah, it's cool, I'll-"

"No." Cougar cuts him off and grabs the hair tie next to the bed and begins pulling his hair up in a sloppy knot. "_Pastillas. Eres un genio, sí, pero también un imbècil."_

Jensen's face scrunches up again and he pushed himself up on his elbows with a wince. "You're kinda a Yenta, you know that, right?"

"Yenta?" Cougar asks, twisting his hair into the tie and adjusting it.

"Busybody. Meddling old woman."

Cougar rolls his eyes and stands. "You. Stay."

"Yes, mother."

Cougar shakes his head and makes his way to the kitchen, scratching idly at his stomach. Dumping the bag of medication, he examines all five bottles.

Cephalexin, one pill every six hours. Percocet, one pill as needed every eight hours. Mobic, one pill as needed every twelve hours. Zaleplon, one pill a day, as needed for sleep. Diazepam, one every six hours as needed for anxiety.

The Cephalexin looks like it has it has exactly sixty in it despite the fact it was filled almost a week ago. Cougar sighs and throws all the pills back in the bag and gets a glass of water.

He throws the bag at Jensen with a glare. "Antibiotics?" he asks.

Jensen winces and opens his mouth. "I meant to..."

Cougar cuts him off with a glare.

"Um, I will take them? As prescribed? Because you should always listen to your pharmacist because prescription drug abuse is a major problem in this country?" Jensen says with a hopeful smile. "I promise?"

"Yes," Cougar agrees, "_or_ I call your sister."

Jensen groans, but pushes himself up into a sitting position and takes the glass of water, setting on the bedside table. He shakes the bottles out of the bag and grabs the Cephalexin and the Percocet, fumbling them open and dry swallowing the pills.

"See? No reason to alert the authorities now, Herr Cougar."

Cougar grunts and sits on the bed, grabbing his grey cell phone and pushing it into Jensen's hands.

"Set the alarm. Every six hours."

Jensen mutters under his breath as he fiddles with Cougar's phone before handing it back with a snappy salute. "Done and done. What's next?"

"Can you shower with that?" Cougar motions to Jensen's cast.

"If you got plastic wrap or trash bags, sure. If not, we're gonna have to try to convince Jolene to give me a sponge bath." Jensen grins. "Somewhere on the other side of town, Pooch just woke up with an urge to kill me." Jensen chortles to himself before looking over to Cougar. "Stop giving me that look, it's not even 0600 yet and I slept on a fucking _bed_ for you, the least you could do is turn off the glare till the sun is up."

"Meeting soon," Cougar reminds him.

"Yup. So, I should probably try and shower now, huh?"

Cougar nods and makes his way back to the kitchen to collect several trash bags and packing tape. When he returns, Jensen is already sitting on the side of the bed with his crutches resting next to him.

"Perfect. Here," Jensen motions Cougar over, "Just pull the bag over my foot." Jensen grabs the tape and wraps it around the bag where it meets the cast. "We'll have to rip another on to protect the top."

Cougar rips the extra bag along the seam and wraps it around Jensen's leg while Jensen seals it.

"Go team!" 

"You remember where the bathroom is?"

"Yup."

"Need help?"

"Nah, I got this."

Cougar nods and stands. "I will be here."

Jensen nods before standing up and maneuvering himself carefully out on his crutches. Cougar watches him until he's out of sight then lies down and rubs his eyes.

While this was not how he had considered it ever happening, Cougar woke up holding the hand of an alive and mostly well Jensen. He allows himself two minutes to feel guilty for enjoying such a thing before he gives up and smiles.

Down the hall, there's a delighted laugh.

"Cougar! Did you put the trident on my toothbrush?! _Oh-em-gee!_"

**\------**

Somewhere between getting dressed and eating breakfast, Jensen starts shutting down. By the time Cougar herds him safely down the stairs and into his truck, Jensen is almost completely silent. He glances over to Jensen at the first red light.

"Pain?"

Jensen shakes his head. "'M good," Jensen says quietly, still staring out the window, one hand rubbing absent circles on his cast. The light turns green and Cougar has no idea how to start the argument that, no, no Jensen is _not_ good, so he drives.

Cougar doesn't really know what to say to Jensen. If he's honest, he never has known what to say around the man.

_¿Son las pastillas?_" he tries again.

Jensen pulls his eyes from the passenger window and looks over blankly.

"It's a lot of things," Jensen says. "Once we get there, I'm gonna be shuffled off to a room with some jerkoffs who are gonna be doing exactly the same thing _everyone's_ been doing since I got back. They're gonna ask the same questions, want the same details, and they're gonna do it while insinuating I should have done something differently to prevent this clusterfuck." Jensen leans back in his seat, eyes unfocused on the road ahead of them. "I hate the questions. I hate having to talk to the Wizard and having to act like spending forty-five minutes talking to a stranger will change the fact that what happened _sucked_." Jensen runs a hand over his face and gives Cougar a weak smile. "They do their best not to say cracked or snapped, but I know they think it."

"You have not cracked. Or snapped."

"I should turn it into a drinking game. One shot every time someone says captured or tortured. Three if they say the cracked or snapped. That way, I can pretend I've stolen back the power from these words while giving myself an excuse to drink. Two birds, one three month long stone throwing contest," Jensen says, trailing off.

"I was told the first time is the hardest. I think it must be true." Cougar clears his throat and keeps his eyes locked on the road.

"You?"

"Yes. Before the Q. There were children and their safety was used as leverage." Cougar feels his chest tighten as he speaks. "I could not risk telling them what they wanted to know, so I stopped talking." He can feel Jensen's eyes burn into him from the side, but he keeps his eyes on the road and his breathing even. "I did not talk until they told me I would lose my job if I continued that way."

"What were your first words?" Jensen asks boldly.

Cougar gives a weak smile and dares a look over in Jensen's direction.

"Ah. You complemented someone's personality, I take it?"

Cougar shrugs.

"Did it help?" Jensen asks softly. "Either of them, I mean. Spewing vitriol or talking about what happened?"

"Neither," Cougar admits. "But hearing my own voice again? Perhaps that helped."

"That was your first time?"

Cougar hums and Jensen presses on in true Jensen family style.

"Did you have a second time?"

"No, no second time. Was this your first time?" Cougar knows the answer to this, but feels the need to ask it anyways. If only to keep Jensen talking. Maybe to get Jensen to hear his own voice. Maybe just to hear Jensen's voice and remind himself that this isn't some dream he will wake up from.

"Yup." Jensen looks out the window at the passing scenery again, exhaling slowly. "Worst part? They didn't even buy me dinner first, and they _knew_ it was my first time." Jensen's voice has a forced levity that makes Cougar want to turn the truck around and drive them both far away from everything. Instead he just grips the steering wheel harder.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Use your words to try to keep me at bay,"

"Yeah, well, you need to eat more," Jensen mutters.

"I do." Cougar nods in agreement. "But you need to know I will not abandon you if you show weakness."

**\------**

Clay somehow managed to allow them all to sit in with Jensen during his debriefing. No one asks how, nor brings up the fact that this is a _major_ violation of the rules, and no one asks Jensen's permission when they follow him into the conference room. Jensen doesn't seem to mind.

Two sour-faced colonels are waiting for them at the table with a camera set up on a tripod in the corner. There are only three chairs on their side of the table, and Jensen warily takes the center seat and leans his crutches against the back of his chair. Clay takes the seat on Jensen's right and Roque slides into the seat on the left while Pooch and Cougar stand at their backs.

"It's not necessary for you all to be here," the bald man, Colonel Group, says with disdain.

"You okay with us being here, Jensen?" Clay says looking over to Jensen.

"More the merrier, sir."

"Well, that's settled then," Clay says with a nod. "So why don't you gentleman get started."

**\------**

"In your initial report you said you felt like something was wrong, which prompted you too look into your team members. Wh-"

"That's not what I said, sir. I said, and I quote, 'suspicious and questionable actions from my team on and off missions lead me to believe that my team couldn't be trusted.' Sir."

"So I stand corrected," Colonel Group allows, "but the point remains, while looking for suspected illegal conduct, you yourself admit to engaging in illegal activity."

"With all due respect, sir, while we both broke the rules, I did so in the interest of trying to stop their actions when you guys wouldn't. It doesn't make it right, but I'd like to point out I wasn't the one who drugged my team and handed them over to enemies of the state."

The other man, Colonel Trone, nods. "Indeed." Trone shuffles through his papers for a moment before glancing up at Jensen. "Can you describe for this panel, what actions caused you to become suspicious of your commanding officer and your team?"

Jensen shrugs. "Things happen where you need to go off-mission to stay alive. But when we were on mission, we were always _off_ mission. Driving out of the way so Lt. Col. Wade could meet with some guy in the middle of nowhere or picking up and dropping off a package two countries over was very commonplace. I've presented documented proof of this in the past."

"Your proof was ruled inconsequential," Group points out.

"Doesn't seem so inconsequential now though, does it," Jensen says sharply, then after a moment adding, "Sir."

"Clearly it was a mistake to dismiss such allegations so quickly," Trone says neutrally.

"That was another big clue, sir. Nothing ever stuck to them. Charges disappeared and complaints were always dismissed. Wade liked to brag he had friends in high places. I believe it." Jensen sighs and then gestures towards Roque and Cougar. "These two have marks on their record for brawling in the chow hall. Lieutenant Colonel Wade and his team should have them in theirs as well, but they _don't_."

Trone pushes his glasses up his face and stares at Jensen. "That's a serious allegation, Corporal."

"So is most of what I have to say, but it's the truth."

"My men and I can attest to this and produce other witnesses if needed," Clay says calmly. "We were there when Wade assaulted Corporal Jensen. That's what caused the ruckus."

"He assaulted him in a public area?" Group gives Clay a condescending smirk. "You couldn't just bury something like that."

"Sir, with all due respect, it's the truth. He shoved Jensen hard enough into the metal bar that his glasses _shattered_." Pooch's voice doesn't waver. "We all _saw_ it happen."

"When I retaliated, Wade's men also got involved," Roque says calmly. "We were all taken to the brig together."

"By the time I got my men out, Wade and his men were already gone," Clay adds calmly.

Trone takes off his glasses and rubs at his eyes. "Any idea on who got them out?"

"No, sir."

"Alright. Such actions, if true, are inexcusable and should have been looked into long ago. This is something I want to remedy immediately."

"Now then," Group interrupts, "you said you found something when you started looking. Ignoring the gross illegality of your actions, what exactly did you find?"

"Money. _Lots_ of money. I found large amounts being transferred in and out of an off-the-records account in Wade's name. I traced it back to what looks like a shell company."

"You claim shortly after you found this information that your residence was destroyed."

"Well, in a way, yes."

Group turns his glare back on Jensen. "In what way?"

"Well, for one thing, I'm pretty sure my apartment was burnt because of what I did once I found the money."

"What did you do?" Group asks warily.

"For the sake of time, let's just say I..." Jensen waves his hand in the air, "did a citizen's arrest on his bank accounts."

"A citizen's arrest?" Trone sounds almost amused.

In front of him, Cougar sees Clay's jaw clench in a way that hints at amusement more than anger.

"I locked them out of their own money to see what they'd do. If they were good, law-abiding people with nothing to fear, they'd make a call and it'd be sorted out in no time. But they didn't. They did it the hard and incredibly illegal way. Sure enough, two days later, my windows were boarded up and my apartment was set on fire while I was inside."

Trone blinks and Clay's hands curl into fists. Cougar understands both reactions.

"Then what happened, Corporal?" Group asks hesitantly. Group actually seems to be re-evaluating Jensen, the scorn isn't as obvious in his eyes anymore.

"I got out and got somewhere I know I'd be safe. My team had a mission scheduled the next day," Jensen continues, "and I had growing concerns about the likelihood of me surviving that mission."

"Corporal, how many people had you approached about your concerns prior to these events?" Group asks steadily.

"Four people, sir."

"Can you remember who you talked to?"

Jensen laughs, startling both colonels but none of the Losers.

"Yeah. I can remember."

"Well," Group eyes him warily, "when we're done here, I'd like you to give me a list of names."

"Can do." Jensen nods, before hastily adding, "Sir."

"What happened on the mission?" Trone presses.

"I got an icy reception, more so than usual, which told me right off the bat I was right. Two days later, I was pretty ragged from the stress from the mission and not being able to relax enough to sleep. Wade kept going off from the group to talk on the radio, and I eventually decided to just run for it. Try and get some distance between us and think up a new plan. I got far enough away I sent off some SMSs, but I was distracted enough and tired enough I didn't hear them until I felt the needle."

"They drugged you?" Group clarifies.

"Yup. I mean, yes, sir." Jensen gives a weak shrug. "I woke to a lot of yelling and a lot of pain. I didn't have my uniform or my tags and my team was nowhere to be seen."

"We've seen the video," Trone says in something that might come close to being a kind tone. "They wanted a password from you."

"Yes."

"What was the password for?"

"The password was for their money. 74 million dollars, to be exact. A couple of hours before we shipped out, I took control of their funds in hopes that they couldn't do anything permanent to me. Not if they wanted that money."

"You never gave them the password?" Trone asks.

"No."

Trone nods and exchanges a look with Group.

"They had you for three months."

"And five days."

"I'm going to be honest with you; I find it hard to believe in that amount of time that anyone wouldn't have reached their breaking point."

"No shit, that's is exactly why I _couldn't_ give them the password."

"Corporal?"

"There was no password," Jensen says. "The password itself was a red herring. It was only there to make sure I didn't get killed. It was one of those 'can't see the forest for the trees' moments. The reason they thought they needed a password is because I made it ask for one every time anyone tried to access the account. But there is no right answer; no matter what you enter, it'll always do the same thing. It's all it's programmed to do."

"And the money?"

"Erased from the bank's memory. Erased all together."

Group's face goes bright red and he sputters, "You destroyed _seventy-five million_-"

"Seventy-four million dollars," Jensen corrects Group. "Only seventy-four. It wasn't real money anyways. That's the other interesting thing. This money, there is nothing anywhere backing its value. It was all electronic counterfeit. What I did was as illegal as shredding monopoly money. In fact, I did our treasury a big favor. You think they'd send me a muffin basket at the very least."

Trone takes over, "So, you destroyed the money and made them think they needed a password. Then?"

"I called in a favor. And, no, I can't tell you who, because I don't know who they are. I told them that an American soldier would be held and questioned and that they should find this person and alert the proper authorities." Jensen screws up his face. "I _didn't_ expect them to email my sister."

"You..." Trone shakes his head and sighs. "Okay, then what happened?"

"Torture. Questions. Anger issues. I suspect some of the creepier daddy issues were present as well. They'd bring in their own techs now and then, but no one could crack the password so they'd get back to work on me."

Jensen looks down and picks at the zipper on his sweater. "You're right though. If there was a password, I would have told them. Hell, I'm pretty sure at one point after the first month I told them there wasn't a password to try to get them to stop." Jensen runs the zipper up and down on his sweater. "But they didn't believe me." Jensen's voice is quiet. "I did a _really_ good job with the password prompt."

The room goes still and Cougar watches the tension stiffen Roque's shoulders before Pooch clears his throat.

"You really, did," Pooch says quietly, making Jensen glance back at him. Pooch gives him a small smile and Jensen looks back down at his sweater, running the zipper up and down, up and down.

Group clears his throat and reaches over to turn off the camera before turning back to Jensen. The metallic slip-slide of the zipper is strangely abrasive in the silent room.

"Your story matches all your previous statements," Trone says with a nod. "It's my finding that while you may have worked outside acceptable parameters, you did so with this country and the Army's best interest in heart. I will personally be following up with any names you can give me of people who ignored your previous warnings and complaints."

"My findings reflect that of Colonel Trone's." Group swallows and tracks the zipper's movement with his eyes. "Corporal, have you spoken with anyone about what happened?"

"Yeah, I went to see the Wizard, he gave me a heart and a brain, and we talked about how there's no place like home," Jensen says with a toothy smile, "and, oh, what a wonderful wizard he was."

Group looks like he's about to say something, but changes his mind and just nods. "If you need anything, my office is open to you. If you remember anything you think we need to know, let one of us know."

"Right. So, are we done? Or do I need to do this again next week?"

"We're done here," Trone assures him. "There won't be any more questions."

Jensen nods and reaches for his crutches. Cougar grabs them before he can, holding them out for him. As soon as Jensen is on his feet, he's headed for the door with Cougar and Pooch on his heels.

"You put up quite a fight to get that man on your team," Cougar hears Trone say quietly.

"I did, sir." Clay's voice is lined with steel.

"Can you handle him?" Group asks.

"I managed to handle the others, didn't I?"

**\------**


	11. Bill & Frankie Roque, professional cat wranglers.

Clay ends up taking Jensen into his office when the meeting is over. He gives Roque a look and points to the chairs outside his office before he pulls the door closed behind Jensen. 

"They need to talk," Roque translates needlessly, "so sit your asses down and _wait_."

Both comply, claiming the uncomfortable plastic chairs on either side of Roque's. 

"Don't you think this talk, whatever it is, could maybe, oh, I don't know, wait?" Pooch says while anxiously bouncing his leg.

"Clay said they needed to talk," Roque says firmly. "So they need to talk."

"Did Clay tell you something?"

"Is it any of your business if he did, bro?" 

"I'm not asking about your pillow talk, I just want to know if Jensen is in trouble."

"Roque," Cougar interrupts their bickering with a look, "_Please_."

Roque sighs. "He was in trouble, but with what everything that went down and Clay going to bat for him, they're willing to look the other way. This time." 

"He talking yet?" Pooch asks after a pause.

"Some," Cougar admits.

"He drinking?"

"No. The pills alone are too much for him. He wouldn't risk adding to it."

"Good," Roque looks pleased. "He's doing better than I did at least."

"You should tell Jensen that," Pooch says quietly.

"Don't think I'll need to." Roque nods towards the door. "Clay has it covered.

"Still. Jensen isn't going to be the guy who acts like it wasn't a big deal. I'm guessing the way he handles it will be very different from any of us. Jensen's going to want to talk about it when the time comes. And we'll need to unfuck ourselves enough to be able to listen to whatever he has to say."

"So we just bare our souls and hug it out? 'Cause that's not my style." Roque's voice doesn't come off as gruff as he would probably like it to.

"Yeah, but as fun as repressing, fighting, and drinking is, that's not what he needs." Pooch's voice gets hard. "You get that it's Jensen, right? He's not gonna look at you funny for admitting you've been where he is. Hell, he'll probably make a fucked up joke out of the worst parts and manage to make you feel better about it when you're done."

Roque says nothing and Pooch looks to Cougar for support.

"I told him about Pakistan," Cougar admits. 

"See?" Pooch says gently. "Look, I'll admit it. I wish I had someone like him to talk to after it happened to me. Hell, look at how I coped with…" Pooch trails off and looks straight ahead at the door.

"Maybe," Roque says quietly.

Pooch shrugs. "I'm gonna do it. Cougs did it."

"I'd need a beer afterwards."

"We'll buy you the _manliest_ beer we can find," Pooch assures Roque with a smirk. "We'll watch some UFC, we'll go shoot things, and eat red meat till you can finish repressing that you have all these _feelings_ that you want to talk about with Jensen."

"What the fuck is a feeling? I don't even know what that means." 

"Says the man with a picture of a puppy in his wallet."

"Don't be talking shit on my dog, Pooch. I'm not above telling Beth."

\------ 

When Clay and Jensen finally emerge, Jensen looks blank until Clay's hand falls on his shoulder. A tiny smile wavers onto his face and Clay nods back before sighing and running a hand through his hair.

"I need a drink," Clay tells Roque with a pinched face. "You comin'?"

Pooch and Cougar exchange a look and Roque stops Pooch from speaking with a growl.

"Fine," he mutters to Pooch before following Clay down the hallway.

"Don't be scared of your feelings, Roque!" Pooch calls after him, laughing. Roque flips him off and keeps walking.

"Aw. I missed something fun, didn't I?" 

"Yes," Cougar says solemnly. "We talked about Roque's feelings."

"He has so _many_ of them," Pooch agrees, making Jensen narrow his eyes and look at them speculatively.

\------ 

Jensen refuses to sleep in the bed that night.

"It's like squishy hell," Jensen complains, "and it's so… open. Short of another guilt trip, yeah, don't think I didn't notice that, buddy, I'm staying here," Jensen says with crossed arms.

Cougar rolls his eyes and makes his way to this own bedroom.

"Cougs? Hey, where are you going man?" Jensen calls franticly after him.

"Calmate," Cougar calls back. Returning with a hand full of pillows and a blanket, Cougar isn't shocked to see Jensen trying to stand up with only one crutch.

"In case you fall," Cougar says, motioning to the bedding. "Now sit."

Jensen sits down, relieved but still wary as Cougar lays down a blanket on the floor in front of the couch before stacking pillows on top of it. Satisfied, Cougar stands and sends a questioning look at Jensen who's worrying at his lip.

"Will you still stay in here?" Jensen asks quietly, and Cougar can see it costs him something to ask this.

"Yes," he assures him, "I will take the bed."

Jensen mumbles his thanks and picks at the edge of his cast, not meeting Cougar's eyes. Cougar hesitates before tapping Jensen's shoulder twice. When he looks up, Cougar clears his throat.

"I slept at my madre's house for many weeks after I got back," Cougar says quietly. "Night was not kind to me."

"But it got easier, right?" Jensen asks. "Clay said it gets easier."

"Yes. Only on a rare night does it returns." Cougar sighs and sits next to Jensen on the couch. "The day Roque and I were drinking, you remember this?" 

"Hard not to."

Cougar nods absently. "The nightmares came back. For several weeks I was not sleeping well. Roque also had troubles, so we tried to drink them away." Cougar looks over and gives Jensen a weak smile. "You are not the only one who has trouble with the night. But your pain is fresh, where ours has had time to heal what little it could."

\-------

Pooch and Jolene invite everyone over for dinner the next day. It's Jolene who greets them at the door, and when she opens it, she stands there for a moment looking like she wants to cry. Jensen, fresh on his second round of pain pills for the day, is happily pulled into her hug. When Jolene pulls back, wiping at her eyes, Jensen grins down at Cougar.

"I got a hug," Jensen tells him happily.

"I saw."

Jolene must notice something, because she stops looking at Jensen and turns to Cougar with a quizzical look.

"Is he high?"

Cougar raises a hand and wavers it back and forth. "Pills," he offers in explanation.

Jolene looks tempted to roll her eyes, but stills when Jensen reaches out and pats her arm.

"I missed you," Jensen says quietly, still smiling. "Jennifer said you made your awesome cookies at my funeral. That was nice of you."

Jolene covers her mouth with one hand and nods while Cougar bites his cheek. Jensen just keeps absently patting Jolene's arm, oblivious to the mood change.

"We should go inside." Cougar prompts Jensen gently with a hand on his back. Jensen nods, removing his hand from Jolene's arm and moving forward into the room. He follows the sound of people, swinging himself into the next room on his crutches. 

Cougar smiles apologetically at Jolene who waves it off. "It's okay," she says with a smile. "He probably would have said the same thing without the pills. I should have remembered." Jolene laughs hollowly. "Pooch was saying he wasn't..." 

"Yes." Cougar hesitates, unsure of how to continue. "He is more tactile, less… controlled. If this-"

"It's fine, Cougar. I spend a good deal of my day dealing with patients coming out of anesthesia. Jensen can't do or say anything I haven't dealt with before," Jolene says with a brave smile. "Now come on in, you guys were the last ones to arrive."

\------ 

The entire gathering is distressingly awkward at first, with everyone trying their hardest not to mention the presumed dead elephant in the room. Outside of that, it's painfully clear that for the most part no one has anything to really talk about that's new and that doesn't involve missions, torture, or Jensen's death. 

Jennifer, Jolene, and even Beth do their best to keep things light by talking about anything and everything that wasn't those last months. It's bad enough that even in his murky pill haze, Jensen finally seems to notice. 

"It's okay," Jensen says, interrupting Clay's attempt at conversation, "I know I'm a little messed up right now and that my fingers look super creepy without nails on them, but it's okay." Jensen looks around at all of them from his perch on the couch. "I'm alive, you're alive, and people keep saying the bad stuff is gonna get better. So. Yeah. Stuff happened and I'm not dead, and that seems like something to be happy about. 'Cause as cool as it is to find out you guys actually mourned me, I kinda feel like I'm still dead or something with all this," Jensen waves his arms around the room, "going on. We need to be normal, yeah? Did you know Roque has not threatened or yelled at me once. Once! And I kinda feel like freaking out the people at the DMV by showing up looking like a zombie, but I'm worried if I ask Pooch to help, he'll get all misty and try to hug me. And I need to go to the store, but I'm worried you guys might stab someone if they bump into me while I look for a new computer. Which I need, 'cause you guys blew mine up. Which sounded awesome, by the way. But still." With that Jensen flops back in the couch and sighs. 

"It's just so _dramatic_. And Roque won't rise to my bait and that makes me feel inadequate as a person."

"You know, I made funeral cookies for dessert today," Jolene says with a cautious smile. 

Jensen's head pops up and he gives her a dazzling grin that prompts her to give one back.

"Funeral cookies! See? See! That's what I'm talking about. Come on, someone else try, I swear I'm not going to break!" 

"I kinda wish I took a picture of that patchy ass beard you had when we picked you up. You looked like a teenager trying to grow his first beard," Pooch admits.

"That shit was fucked up." Roque nods in agreement.

"Language!" Jensen chides. "C for execution, but A for effort!" Jensen pokes at Cougar.

"I think I will keep the Baikal." 

"Not happening, also, you're like the least funny person ever, Cougar." 

The laughter is mostly forced for the first half hour, but by the time the pot roast comes out of the oven, it's becoming more genuine to the point even Beth is giggling.

Cougar knows Jensen's 'fronting like a madman', as he is fond of saying, and from the careful looks the others send when Jensen is distracted, no one else is stupid enough to think Jensen is either. But they're okay. Jensen is okay. 

Besides, Cougar can keep an eye on Jensen just as well when he's laughing as when he sits in silence. 

It's more enjoyable this way for everyone involved.

\------

On the third night of Jensen tossing and turning fitfully on the couch, Cougar is jolted out of his sleep by a shift in the mattress.

"It's just me," Jensen whispers. 

Cougar squints in the darkness to see Jensen sitting at the edge of his bed, leaning heavily on his crutches.

"Yeah." Jensen fidgets and looks down at the floor. "Had some acid trip dreams from the pills and… Um, can I maybe come chill up there with you?" he asks hesitantly. "I mean, I understand if-"

Cougar cuts him off with a grunt and pats the bed next to him. "_Ven a acostarte_."

Jensen's sigh of relief is painfully audible as he hobbles up and over to sit on the edge of the bed and leans his crutches against the wall.

"_Ven acá_," Cougar says sleepily with an outstretched hand. Jensen obeys, pulling up the covers and laying down before moving his hand into Cougar's. 

"I hate this," Jensen says quietly and Cougar makes a curious sound in return. "I feel like I'm a kid all over again. Jumping at shadows and scared to go to sleep."

_"No tengas miedo. Aquí estoy_," Cougar promises. 

\------

Jensen drags Pooch and Cougar along with him to go shopping for a laptop. 

It's not a terrible chore, but the things Pooch and Jensen are speaking about go over his head. It doesn't help that they've been standing in the same twenty or so odd feet of the store for over an hour. 

The gist of what Cougar does understand is that nothing in the store fits Jensen's needs and Jensen isn't shy about his displeasure. Even the sales people have stopped coming over. 

"Can you not build your own?" Cougar finally says in exasperation after listening to Pooch and Jensen criticize every computer in the store _twice_.

Jensen blinks up at him and raises his eyebrow in disbelief. "_Dude_."

Cougar shrugs. "There is no shame if you cannot." 

Knowing Jensen's ego, this shopping trip should be over soon. Then, if he's lucky, maybe they will all stop for ice cream. 

"Are you implying what I think you're implying?" Jensen sputters.

"Oh, he didn't imply it. Motherfucker besmirched your reputation in front of all these people," Pooch hisses with a shake of his head. He clasps a hand on Jensen's shoulder and stage whispers, "You know what you gotta do to make this right."

"I gotta get my reputation back! 'Cause Cougar's besmirched it!" Jensen says far too loudly for Cougar's tastes. Far too many people are watching them now and Cougar really wishes he'd not been seen standing with these two for the last hour. He should have stayed at home and read. 

"You're damn right he did!" Pooch agrees, "You gonna take that from someone who probably couldn't figure out how to sign up for an email account?"

"I have email," Cougar points outs out to the lunatics. 

"Silence, besmircher!" Jensen says, waving a crutch at him. "Hey, lady!" Jensen yells towards an employee doing her best to hide behind a stack of printers.

"Can I help you, sir?" she asks in a defeated tone.

"Get me that barebones over there, stat."

"Manners. She's not the one we're mad at," Pooch reminds Jensen with a nudge. 

Cougar narrows his eyes. He has done _nothing_ to Pooch. Cougar helps Pooch move furniture when Jolene redecorates every other _month_. 

It's suddenly vary clear that Cougar needs new friends.

Quiet ones who fear him.

"Please, miss, your hair looks lovely today, now go get that barebones for me," Jensen grits out to the employee. The sales associate reaches a tentative hand up to her head before turning and quickly moving to the back of the store. 

"Nice people skills, Jensen," Pooch says with a shake of his head.

"Shut up, Pooch, my best friend turned out to be a traitor, my leg hurts, and now because of said traitor I have to go find all the parts I'll need."

"Parts?" Cougar feels his hope of leaving the store die along with the hope of a pleasant evening.

"Yes, parts," Jensen says with a glare. "Hard drive, graphics card, processor, memory, the usual. Why? You got something else to imply? Should I be making my own graphics card?"

Cougar shakes his head and follows silently. 

\------

It takes forty minutes, numerous compliments of Jensen's computer prowess, and Cougar buying Jensen two movies, to get Jensen to stop glaring at him. It's painfully reminiscent of getting his sisters to accept an apology. When they were twelve.

But finally, they're done, everything is paid for and Jensen happily hands over two bags of things Cougar couldn't care less about. Jensen swings along between them, smiling and rambling about how awesome Cougar's idea to do this turned out to be. 

Cougar doesn't have the heart to do anything but smile back when Jensen smiles and bumps his shoulder into his at the crosswalk.

\-----

Two nights later, Cougar is woken again to find Jensen standing at the foot of the bed again.

"You do not have to ask," Cougar says, pulling back the blankets on the other side of the bed. Jensen doesn't say anything, but when he's settles and grabs for Cougar's hand he squeezes Cougar's fingers harder than he has before.

"_Fue uno de los malos, ¿eh?_ " Cougar murmurs.

"I hate this fucking bed," is all Jensen says. 

\-----

Jennifer comes over and cooks them dinner. Jensen watches them with skittish eyes and by the time the food is ready, Jensen excuses himself to go to bed claiming leg pain. Jennifer and Cougar aren't fooled, but both let him go without a fight.

"Did I say something?" Jennifer asks quietly over their dinner. "Or maybe not say anything?" She buries her face in her hands and sighs, "I just, I don't know what to say or not say. I've been reading books written by people with PTSD," Jennifer admits, "and I read these things they say, and it makes sense, you know? You can understand their thought process. And then it hits me, when do I ever understand Jake's thought process? Will Jake even think to think half these things?" Jennifer sighs and leans back in the chair. 

"I need you to remind me I'd be a terrible person to go in there and yell at Jake over skipping dinner."

Cougar shrugs and refills her wine glass. "There is no right way to deal with this."

"But I'm guessing going all Hulk on him won't help."

"It is unlikely."

Jennifer nods and drains her glass and motions to it. "In that case, I'm going to drink all your wine, leave you with the dishes, and make you drive me home."

Cougar obediently refills her glass.

\-----

"So, you and my sister seem to be getting along well. Freakishly well. I mean, what do you guys even have in common? She's a hundred years old and boring and you're a chocolate fiend who likes guns. And you guys had inside jokes which I'm guessing aren't funny, even if you're in the know. 'Cause you guys aren't funny, Cougar, you aren't," Jensen says cattily. "But, then that means you have something in common, doesn't it? You can bond over how lacking your humor is." Jensen frowns down on him while Cougar helps him wrap his cast. "You want me to teach you some jokes?"

Cougar stops taping up Jensen's cast and tilts his hat up to stare at Jensen who's twitching and looking massively uncomfortable. 

"She's eleven years older than you. Not one-hundred-years-old."

"Whatever. Close enough," Jensen continues, not meeting Cougar's eyes and picking at his cast. "Beth likes you, you know. I know I'm supposed to be supportive and stuff, 'cause she's my sister and she deserves to be happy…" Jensen sighs and looks down at Cougar. "Just, don't tell Beth till you and Jennifer are sure about everything. 'Cause she really likes you, Cougs..."

Cougar feels his eyes attempt to roll to the back of his head and he has the urge to punch Jensen. This. Again.

"I am not dating your sister."

Jensen's face pales and his eyes go wide and Cougar has the urge to walk away; somewhere far away from the crazy, because he instantly knows exactly what Jensen thinks he said. 

"Oh my god, are you using her as a booty call?" Jensen's face scrunches up in horror. "Oh god, I sometimes sleep in the same bed as you!" Jensen's face contorts and his hands brace the side of his head as he makes distressed sounds.

Cougar makes himself count to ten before pulling out his phone. He hits the second speed dial and waits for Jennifer to pick up while Jensen spazzes out above him.

"Cougar? You okay?"Jennifer's voice comes across the line sounding sleepy.

"Sí. Your brother now knows you are my booty call," he says gravely.

Jensen looks down at him aghast as his eyes starts to twitch. "When my brain starts working again, I'm going to kill you." 

Cougar rolls his eyes. Jake's not the first Jensen family member to threaten him.

"Excuse me?"Jennifer screeches. "What the actual _fuck_, Cougar!"

"It is not PTSD. Just stupid," Cougar says before he pulls the phone away from his ear and tosses it to Jensen before standing and leaving the room.

"What the hell, Jennifer! Why would you sleep with someone I worked with, you hussy!" comes Jensen's enraged yell as he closes the door behind him.

\-----

"You know, most people would say, 'No, Jensen, I'm not sleeping with your sister', but you're a special type of evil that winds me up and then calls Jennifer up so she can decimate me with her words and guilt trip me on running out on dinner," Jensen whines as he makes his way into the living room. "The two of you should look into professional guilt tripping. See if there's a pro circuit or something. I'm sure you'd do well."

Cougar ignores him and continues stirring his oatmeal. 

"Cougar?" Jensen says hesitantly from the kitchen entrance.

Cougar keeps stirring and lowers the heat on the stove.

"Kitty?" Jensen tries. "Hey, I'm sorry. I am. It's…" Jensen sighs and leans against the counter, propping his crutches up next to him, "you and Jennifer just seemed really close."

"We are," Cougar points out irritably. "We mourned together. We became close. Family. Am I not allowed this?"

"No! No! You totally are." Jensen sighs, "I just… I obviously jumped to the wrong conclusion."

"Men and women can be friends without having sex."

"Yeah. I know, and I'm sorry. Just I had this flashback to this guy I knew while I was fake-going-to-college." Jensen rubs at his neck and looks at the floor. "Turned out he wasn't looking for a friend in me so much as... Yeah." 

Cougar exhales and turns off the stove before turning to Jensen with an expectant look.

"I'm really stupid?"

"Yes," Cougar agrees. "With some things, you are."

"I'm sorry."

"Good." 

"I really am," Jensen says dejectedly. "I don't know why I got so upset. I mean, if we were in Bizarro world and you guys did end up being together, it should have made me really happy. Unless it was a booty call thing, 'cause I'd have to kill you, because my sister deserves better man."

Cougar sighs and nods towards the pot on the stove. "Oatmeal?"

"Is it poisoned?"

"A little."

\------ 

Cougar ends up moving one of the bedside tables out and pushing the bed against the wall of the room that has become less Jensen's and more theirs. He says nothing when Jensen returns from his shower, but watches him for a reaction. 

"You'd have to get up if I wanted to sleep up there," Jensen says neutrally.

"It would be more like your couch. You could keep your back to the wall." 

Jensen frowns down at the bed. "Is this, you know, normal? Me crawling into bed with you?" 

Cougar just tilts his head and shrugs. "Does it have to be?"

"You know, that's a really good point," Jensen says with a sad chuckle. "What in our lives is ever normal?"

\-----

Jensen gets approved for light duty within the week. He also gets a list of restrictions a mile long that everyone from Jennifer to Clay seems gleefully hell-bent on enforcing. 

The worst part of being back at work is the ridiculously large pile of paperwork Clay hands him with a grin. "Since you're restricted to desk work, you might as well help me get caught up." 

Jensen is pretty sure that doing Clay's taxes is not in his job description, but he's sadly looking forward to doing something besides channel surfing and going through Cougar's trashy romance novels that he keeps hidden behind his other books. Jensen is gonna take the high road on that matter and pretend that he never found them. It's easier that way then to pretend he didn't notice a pattern in the head wear from the men on the covers. 

Jensen snickers to himself and starts going through the receipts. It is almost sad to see how many 'work' related lunches Clay wants to claim at a 'restaurant' called The Pole Kat.

\-----

The best part of being back at work is the new desk crammed against Pooch's. There's an old swivel chair and an even older computer, but it's all his. And by the time Cougar makes his second candy bar run, Jensen's talked Pooch into helping him swap his rickety old chair for Cougar's newish chair. Pooch is the best desk buddy ever. 

Cougar is less than pleased when he returns.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Cougar," Jensen says with exaggerated helplessness, "that other one made my leg hurt." 

Cougar's brow wrinkles and his eyes narrow, but he says nothing. And... Jackpot!

Cougar shakes his head and wanders back to his own desk and Jensen's squeaky old chair to angrily devour his Snickers.

"He's gonna use you for target practice one of these days," Pooch says sadly. "Can I have that chair when you're dead?"

"No, he won't, and no, you can't," Jensen says with a smile, 'cause Pooch just referenced a dead Jensen without looking like a kicked Pooch! Progress all around!

"Without me, who do you think will remind Cougar bring a roll of quarters to work every day for his candy raids?"

Pooch snorts and flicks a paper football at him. "Wanna stop going through Clay's strip club receipts and help me out at the motor pool?"

"Oh my fucking god, yes. Please." Jensen moans and he grabs for his crutches. "I need to get away from these glittery monsters. One of them smells like strawberries and that scares me on a profound level."

\-----

Following Pooch seemed like a good idea at the time, but by the end of the day, he's covered more terrain than he has since… 

Well, since he became a professional punching bag for three months.

Jensen shakes his head to clear his thoughts and heads for his couch. He collapses down onto it with a groan and lets his crutches fall to the floor. Fuck. He is never leaving this couch again. 

He fumbles around for the bottle on the side table and shakes out two pain pills with an unsteady hand and swallows them both. He takes the time to kick off his single boot and strip off his over shirt and belt before dragging his leg up and laying down. 

The ache in his leg is already less insane from being off his feet. Clearly this is a sign that Jensen should never walk again. He'll just become one of those people who never leave their Rascal Scooter. And if the Army throws a fit, he can always get work in the computer field. 

He's asleep before Cougar is even out of the shower.

\-----

Jensen dreams he's back at his elementary school attending Career Day. Billy Crawford is there following him around the gym like a dark shadow and throwing pebbles at him whenever the teachers aren't looking. 

Every time he tries to take a flyer from one of the booths, Billy snatches it out of his hands and shoves him towards the next booth. 

When Jensen gets to Cougar's booth, Cougar hands him a pamphlet. Billy doesn't try to take this one; he stands there and leers at Jensen. 

The pamphlet Cougar gives him has yellow letters that run off the page the moment Jensen tries to read them. When Jensen tries to remember what he saw, for once he draws a blank. 

"There's something wrong with my memory," he tells Cougar.

"Check the back," Cougar says with a shrug.

On the other side of the pamphlet, there's a picture of Jensen strapped to a familiar table with a wet rag over his face. Three men Jensen distinctly remembers beating to death stand behind him, smiling at the camera with their arms thrown over each other's shoulders. Jensen feels his hands go numb and he drops the paper to the floor.

"That was you, wasn't it?" Billy asks in an amused drawl. "What did it feel like, to almost drown? Do you think the others will find you and finish the job?"

"We have an excellent benefits package," Cougar interrupts Billy in a bored tone.

Jensen can feel his lungs start to burn, burn, burn.

"Is this some kind of fucking joke?" he asks weakly.

Cougar shrugs and hands him another pamphlet that Billy doesn't bother taking either. Jensen can't blame him, he doesn't want it either, but his body reaches for it despite his wishes.

This time it shows Wade and Clay watching what looks like him huddled in a corner of a too familiar cell. The yellow letters run off the page just like last time.

When Jensen looks up, Wade is standing where Cougar was and his old team is standing behind him. 

The burning in his lungs gets worse and his feet won't move no matter how hard he tries to run.

"We're gonna find you. If we can't find you, we'll find your family," Wade says with a wide smile.

Something jolts him awake and it takes Jensen a while to realize it's the sound of yelling. His yelling. 

He forces his mouth closed and then back open to gulp down air and tries to focus on breathing in and out, in and out. He can feel the echo of pain in his lungs with every breath.

There are hands on his arms and a worried voice in his ear. Slowly the blurry world melts into Cougar leaning over the couch speaking in soft Spanish with worried eyes. It's all he can do to find Cougar's eyes and stare until his breathing evens out. Cougar keeps up his quiet words, still too fast for Jensen to catch much more than the occasional it's okay and just a dream.

When he's feeling halfway human and mostly embarrassed, he licks his lips twice and takes a deep breath. "Diazepam." 

Cougar nods and removes his hands to yank open the side table's drawer a hair too hard and retrieves the bottle. He shakes out a single pill and holds it out to Jensen.

Jensen grabs it and swallows it dry. He feels almost lightheaded from the rabbit fast tempo of his heart.

"No more pain pills," Jensen decides, "and after tonight, no more anxiety pills." 

Cougar doesn't fight him, just nods and starts rubbing his hand over Jensen's arm, up and down. Up and down.

It takes almost fifteen minutes for his heart to calm down and for him to start relaxing. Cougar stays right next to him silently. 

When Jensen is finally calm enough to say so, and have it sound believable, Cougar maneuvers him into the bed and crawls in after him. 

Jensen keeps his back pressed against the wall and foregoes reaching for Cougar's hand in favor of leaning over and wrapping an arm around Cougar and pulling him so Cougar's back is pressed against his chest. Cougar doesn't resist and allows himself to be squeezed like a teddy bear. Jensen's a little shocked he doesn't have a broken nose for even trying this.

"Is this okay?" Jensen asks, even though he's knows he can't handle any response other than yes. 

Cougar does his quiet hum and tugs Jensen's pillow over more so he can rest his head on it too before dragging the blankets up over them both. Cougar shifts around a bit before settling.

"Duérmete," he murmurs when he's gone still.

Jensen nods and buries his face in Cougar's hair.

\------ 

There's a moment in between sleep and consciousness where everything is more than good, it's fucking perfect. He's warm and safe, and his body mindlessly presses foreword which, wow, feels even better. 

But then it's all ruined when Cougar taps on his arm, asking to be released so he can go pee.

Jensen's mind does his best to sort it out what's going on, much too freaked out to do more than release Cougar on autopilot. Jensen watches as he slides out of bed and leaves the room without looking back. 

When he's gone from view, Jensen helps himself to a large slice of panic pie. He supposes that after living in the barracks, most guys had to have realized that, like them, other guys have the same reaction to a full bladder and the neurological stimulation from deep sleep. But there's waking up with morning wood in a room full of guys with morning wood, and then there's waking up with another guy's morning wood pressed against you. 

Being the press-er probably crosses at least one of those social boundary lines Jennifer likes to harp about. 

Possibly every line. 

Jensen stares at the celling and wonders how much chocolate it's going to take to convince Cougar that he's sorry he crossed those lines, you know, with his penis. 

Probably a lot. He might have to skip the store brands and go straight to the Swiss stuff just for having a penis involved in the first place. Then again, maybe Cougar will take pity on his bank account and just shoot him.

"Jensen?" 

Jensen sits up a little too quickly to find a confused Cougar staring at him in confusion with a toothbrush in his hand.

"Yes?"

Cougar smirks and shakes his head. "I asked if you remembered your doctor's appointment today."

Jensen blinks and quickly pulls up the fact that he does indeed have an appointment scheduled at 1000 hours.

"Yes. Of course I knew." 

"You forgot," Cougar says, sounding suspiciously fond.

"I don't forget things," Jensen protests on principle.

"You also do not always remember things." 

With that Cougar wanders back to the bathroom still brushing his teeth, and more importantly, obviously not upset with him. Jensen feels incredibly relieved, and maybe a little bit disappointed they didn't talk about his penis.

\------ 

He's back on base for less than an hour, newly cast free, when the lights go off in the office. He's mostly done filling out the insane amount of forms it takes to get a computer requisitioned that was made in the last decade when it happens. 

And then it's just him, alone in a dark room with only the sounds of people moving quickly outside the door. Jensen scrambles to the corner without thinking, his leg screaming for his crutches, but he ignores it in favor of getting his back to the corner of the room and his gun in his hand. His thumb is releasing the safety before he even gets a good grip.

He breathes.

After a pause the whole room hums and suddenly the backup lights flicker on, but Jensen still can't move, can barely think. 

On the wall, he see's pictures of Beth and Rowsdower, on the desk to his left are three wrappers for Mr. Goodbars, and the desk on his right has a picture of Jolene with a fake mustache taped over it. These are safe things. Good things, but he can't make himself acknowledge them over the waves of fear, fear, fear. So he sits, ignores his leg, tightens his grip on the gun, and waits.

There's a shuffle outside, closer than any of the other sounds so far and then the door handle is turning and Clay is standing there looking blankly at him. Jensen swallows twice and forces himself to override his instincts and lowers his gun.

"Corporal," Clay says in a low voice as he moves into the room and locks the door behind him with out looking, "I need you to clear your weapon and surrender it to me. Can you do that?"

Jensen tries, he really does, but the best he can do is point it at the floor. "I can't," he says with a shake his head, "I can't."

"Okay. It's going to be okay, son." Clay doesn't seem upset, but his eyes are sharp. "I'm going to have to help you do it then. You with me, Corporal?"

"Yes, sir."

"Where are we right now?" Clay asks, moving slowly towards him. It takes all of Jensen's control to keep from pushing back farther into the corner.

"Base."

"Good. And who am I?"

"Clay."

"Do you trust me, Jensen?"

Jensen nods and shuts his eyes, unable to resist pressing back into the wall. When he opens them, Clay is crouched in front of him.

"Do you trust me?" Clay repeats.

"Yes."

Clay nods and his hands move slowly to wrap over his right wrist. 

"Then I need you to take you finger off the trigger for me. You can do this. I'll do the rest. Okay?"

Jensen feels his whole body start to shake with the wrongness of this. A gun is a valuable asset, one he doesn't want to give up. He can make do with less, he's made do with a stolen steel toed boot before, but this is a gun, and it can keep him safe if someone tries to put him back in that cell.

"The lights went out," Jensen says, unable to loosen his grip.

"I know. There was an accident. Civilian truck hit the power lines. Generators took longer than we liked to come back on. But you're here, on base with me. You're safe," Clay promises. "Even if we weren't somewhere safe, anyone who tried to get through that door would have to get through me to get to you, Jensen. I protect my men, especially my wounded men." Clay's voice is still soft, but Jensen can hear the conviction.

"I'm not wounded," he says, ignoring the twinges of pain in his leg.

"Jensen, I'm guessing you just had a nasty fucking flashback. You may not be bleeding; but in my book you're in need of some help right now. No shame in it. I've been where you are. Remember our conversation in my office?"

Jensen nods.

"Good," Clay says with a gruff voice. "Now move your finger away from the fucking trigger guard, corporal. I don't fancy getting shot or trying to get Roque to fill out all the paperwork that comes with a weapons discharge on base."

Jensen tries twice, and on the second time his finger moves up until it brushes the slide. The moment it's there Clay is yanking the gun out of his hands and clearing it. He drops the magazine without looking away from Jensen's face and places the gun on the desk next to the picture of Jolene. 

Jensen feels more exposed than he has in a long time. "I'm sorry. I thought… it felt like…"

"Yeah. It'll do that," 

"I hate this."

"You need time. It's still right there, at the surface, fucking with your brain."

"How long till yours stopped?"

"It didn't. I trained myself to realize I wasn't there anymore. You're partly there already. You knew where you were when we talked. You stopped yourself from keeping your gun on me even though I'm sure your head told you that was a shit idea. That's the first big step."

"Shit," Jensen says, burying his face in his hands. "Oh shit."

"Relax. This will stay between us on the condition that you leave your sidearm locked up and at home or with Cougar or I till you're sure you're able to function."

"Yes, sir."

Clay sighs and shakes his head. "I want to shake the stuffing out of whichever doctor okayed you to carry that, but I have a feeling it's not their fault, is it?"

Jensen shrugs. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. The Wizard okay'd me."

Clay snorts. Looking over Jensen, he stands and holds out a hand. "Cast just came off?"

"Yup." Jensen winces as he stands, favoring his bad leg and leaning on the wall. "Crutches are by my desk, I think."

Clay grabs them and hands them over.

"You good?"

"No. But good enough," Jensen admits.

\------

Cougar spends the rest of the day hovering while trying to look like he's not hovering. Jensen assumes it's because Cougar assumes he'll fuck up his leg now that the cast is off. The joke's on Cougar though, 'cause Jensen's leg has been fucked since Clay found him. Jensen wisely avoids pointing this out.

\-----

Pooch takes him aside after lunch and tells him all about the time he hyperventilated because a cat screamed somewhere behind his house. The story should be hilarious, but Jensen finds himself nodding along in understanding. It doesn't stop him from making one tiny joke, but it does end in a deeply meaningful fist tap with Pooch. 

Jensen assumes this is just the latest example of the Losers using him as a convenient excuse to talk about all the feelings they pretend they don't have. It seems to be something a lot of men in their field suffer from. It's almost embarrassing that they all walk around thinking no one knows they're full of marshmallow fluff under all their prickly layers. 

Seriously, it's hard not to notices how sappy Pooch is over Jolene. Jensen has had his brain melted out of his ears listening to him baby talk her on the phone. There's Cougar's deep and passionate love for his rifle, chocolate, and his hat that borders on creepy; and one only needs to look at the cork board to see how sappy Roque is for puppies. Well, and knives, but Roque keeps those pictures wisely locked up in his desk. And everyone knows that at 1500 hours Clay watches Korean soap operas in his office while he pretends to do paperwork. And no one is stupid enough to believe Clay's allergies act up during paperwork.

But it's fine, and in no way does it make them less badass or amazing to him, but Jensen really wishes they'd wise up to that fact. Or at least let him start paying for his services as their de facto therapist.

\-----

It only becomes clear to him what's been going on though when Roque stomps over to his desk and tells him he should have just shot Clay, so no one ever has to suffer through one of Clay's 0500 runs again.

Jensen quickly realizes that 'this stays between us', meant this stays between the Losers. Oh, yay for sharing and caring.

"I hate you all," Jensen tells the room, "I'm gonna do terrible things to your credit scores tonight."

"Shut up, Jensen, my taxes aren't going to do themselves," 

\------

They find out before leaving that the Losers, minus Jensen and his bum leg, are shipping out the next day. Jensen spends the rest of his night camped out on his couch checking, double-checking, and triple-checking the intel for the mission. He may be useless on the actual mission, but he refuses to be completely useless.

Cougar tells him to go to bed at least three times before crawling out of his bed and slamming Jensen's laptop closed.

"Well. That was dramatic."

"Go to bed."

"I can work in the living room if the light from the screen is bothering you." 

"No," Cougar says firmly. "Bed."

"Can I-"

"Yes," Cougar cuts him off and heads over to wait beside his bed. Jensen limps over and crawls in and scoots over so Cougar has room.

"I found some stuff out. I'll print it out and you can give it to Clay, okay?"

Cougar hums and scratches idly at his stomach.

"And take the black phone if you can sneak it in."

"I always do," Cougar murmurs. "Will you stay or will you go to Jennifer's?"

"I'll be here. Probably mooch food off her if you're not here to cook for me."

Cougar hums again and rolls a little closer towards Jensen. "Go easy on your leg, yes?"

"Promise." 

It doesn't take long until Cougar falls asleep, and it occurs to Jensen that this is the first time they've shared this bed without touching. It'd be an easy thing to remedy, Cougar is close enough all it would take is a stretch of his arm. They're both so used to each other Jensen doubts it would even register enough to wake Cougar up.

Instead of reaching out, Jensen keeps his arms where they are, and his back to the wall. It's strange, but the bed doesn't bother him as much as it used to.

\------

Jensen spends the first night alone in their apartment on the couch.

The second night he tries the bed, but ends up on the couch anyways. 

\------

Jensen knows better than to bother Cougar with texts while he's on mission, but he can't help it. The apartment is too big and too empty and he's bored. He limits himself to one text every six days. He tried for one a week, but didn't quite make it. 

But he thinks Cougar will understand, because Beth making the soccer team is kind of a huge deal, and mostly Cougar's fault. 

\-----

Jolene comes over to visit with muffins in her hands and mischief in her eyes, and just like that, the Bad Idea Twins are back in the saddle.

By lunch, the website for Cat Channel is much less boring. It now boasts an exclusive interview with Bill & Frankie Roque, professional cat wranglers. 

The article itself, complements of Jolene, gives an in depth look at the devoted life partners of sixteen years and their three cats, Carlos, Jay, and Linwood. 

It's all very moving, and he particularly likes the part about how Frankie just knew at the end of their first date that he and Bill would adopt pedigree cats together some day. 

\------

Jensen gets called into see Colonel Trone two weeks into the Losers' deployment. It takes him several minutes of blank staring to understand what exactly he's being told, mostly because it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard.

Because apparently Wade has been fined and released. The sentence itself sounds like something you'd get for vandalizing a public building, not what you'd get for handing someone over to be tortured. It's a slap on the wrist for something that should have gotten Wade a needle in his arm. 

Jensen spends five hours repeating the phrase 'with all due respect' ad nauseam and doing his best to not scream. 

"I don't know what to say, Corporal Jensen," Trone says with a shake of his head. "But this has all been handled way above my head. As much as I want to do something to make this right, there is nothing I can do right now."

"He burnt down my apartment, he drugged me, and handed me over to be tortured. My sister and my niece thought I was dead." Jensen is starting to yell despite his efforts. "What happens if he decides to actually kill me this time around? Parole? Sent to bed with no dessert?"

Trone removes his glasses. "This obviously isn't an ideal result. In fact, I'll go so far as to say this is a rare moment when I'm ashamed to wear this uniform. There is no reason something like this should have gotten as far as it did, much less let the man responsible walk away."

"Right." Jensen nods numbly. "So I'm supposed to hope he doesn't hold a grudge and what, keep on keeping on?"

"I'll make it clear that he's not welcome on base, and pass word on to some others. It's all I can really do."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Go ahead."

"Fuck this and fuck you guys for sticking me on a team with that psycho."

Trone's lips thin, but he nods. "I understand your sentiments completely, Corporal."


	12. Being fucked up doesn't mean we don't get to be happy.

Jensen buys and installs a security system for Jennifer's house that night.

"You really think he'd come here?"

"I really thought he'd spend his life in prison being someone's butt-buddy, but look how that turned out."

"When are they getting back?" Jennifer asks softly.

"This week. Next week. Next month." Jensen shrugs. "It's one of those trips that doesn't have a fixed end date."

"Did you tell them? Did you tell Cougar?"

Jensen shakes his head. "They're on a majorly un-fun mission. They don't need to be bothered with this."

Jennifer frowns, but doesn't fight him.

\------

Insult to injury, it doesn't take long until Wade is a newly hired employee of Paradigm Security Services. He gets a ridiculously large pay check, a fancy new title, and even has a company care assigned to him. Jensen glances at the make and model information before slamming his laptop shut and pretending to watch TV.

\------

After Jennifer starts to worry over him Jensen promises to stop. He moves onto her couch, eats her cooking, and does his best to pretend he isn't memorizing every face they pass on the street.

For Jennifer's peace of mind he promises to ignore the urge to look into Par-Sec too deeply, too see what kind of company would hire someone like Wade.

For his peace of mind, he lies. 

He looks, he learns, and he leaves no trace.

\------

Cougar shows up on Jennifer's door looking like a disaster. He's dirty, his hair's greasy, and he smells like a locker room after a rugby match, but Jensen still can't resist the urge to hug him.

"Cougs! It's good to see you, you smelly, smelly sniper, you!"

Cougar glares at him and returns the hug. "You stopped texting."

"Yeah." Jensen winces and pulls Cougar into the house. "Sorry, I got distracted."

Cougar nods and follows him in. "Wade."

"Um, how the fuck do you know that? And don't sit on the sofa. Or stand on the carpet. Actually, let's just sit outside so Jennifer doesn't kill us for spreading your stink." 

"Trone told Clay," Cougar says as Jensen herds him back to the front door. "About the time the texts stopped." Cougar throws Jensen a pointed look.

"You were worried!" Jensen grins smugly.

Cougar snorts and takes a seat on the stairs as Jensen plops down next to him before scrunching up his nose and scooting farther away.

"Seriously, could you not have hit the showers like a normal person?"

"Was worried."

"Clearly," Jensen pats his chest, "you have no reason to. I'm okay. A bit paranoid, but I haven't even had a panic attack in, like, three weeks." 

"The leg is better?"

Jensen nods. "It is. I'm almost back up to my old times on the track."

"Jennifer?"

"Beth has a birthday party for one of her teammates and Jennifer is pulling security duty on the sugary treats."

Cougar nods, fussing with his jeans.

"You alright?"

"Sí." Cougar nods. "Estoy cansado."

"Wanna head home? You could shower, and I'm pretty sure we have some bleach too, if you need it."

Cougar rolls his eyes. "You coming?"

Jensen's eyes stray back to the house behind them and he bites his lip before nodding. "Yeah. Between the alarms and Jennifer's .38, they should be okay."

"You think he would come here?"

"Didn't think he'd try to BBQ me," Jensen says with a too casual shrug as he stands. "Lemme leave Jennifer a note so she knows I'm headed home. You keep your stink ass out here."

"It is not that bad," 

"Keep telling yourself that, buddy."

\------ 

Cougar showers and Jensen heats up the stolen leftover lasagna from Jennifer's in the microwave as soon as they get in. The whole apartment is a bit dusty, but it's nice to be home again.

By the time Cougar is changed and sniff tested by Jensen, the food's done. Jensen turns on the TV, mostly for sound, and proceeds to stare at it blankly and shovel food in his mouth. Cougar follows suit.

"You lost weight," Jensen says as he slides the rest of his lasagna onto Cougar's plate.

"Regañón," Cougar says with the hints of a smile while he quickly devours the extra portions.

"That's a new one," Jensen mutters.

Cougar shrugs and pushes away his empty plate. "Dishes tomorrow?"

"You're really beat, huh? Mission go south?"

"No." Cougar shakes his head and gets up to deposit the plates in the sink. "Didn't sleep well. Roque hurt his leg. Pooch got sick. Wade." Cougar says this last part with another pointed look.

Jensen winces. "I didn't tell you 'cause I didn't want you to get distracted." Jensen sighs and drags himself up, heading to the bedroom. "Roque and Pooch okay?"

"Pooch is. Roque's ego, not so much."

"Is there a story there?" Jensen asks hopefully as he pulls back the blanket on his couch and settling in.

"Tomorrow," Cougar says, crawling into the bed.

\------ 

Jensen's halfway through learning the colors of the rainbow when Cougar wanders in the front room with a confused look. He's stands there in just his pajama pants with his messy wet hair dripping on the floor. Jensen does his best to ignore his amusement when Cougar sees the TV. Well, in complete honesty, Jensen does his best to ignore Cougar.

So Jensen sits and watches Dora point out the colors, and does his best not hear the choked off laugh when he tries to parrot the words back to the TV. This was so much easier when it was just him, or just him and Beth. Jensen's ears and face start burning despite his best efforts to appear unfazed. Fuck his life, fuck the Spanish language, and fuck Cougar. 

"Shut your whorish mouth, Cougs. Some of us are trying to learn," he snaps in between verde and azul. Cougar chuckles and sits on the floor next to his feet, watching the TV curiously.

"¿Qué es esto?" He motions to the TV with his hair brush.

"Índigo. This is Dora. She's my new best friend, because I have to kill my old one," Jensen grumbles. "Morado."

Cougar chuckles and starts pulling his hair brush through his curly wet hair.

"Once more, friends!" Dora exclaims happily as Jensen's eyes are oddly drawn down to Cougar's neck. 

"Rojo," Jensen repeats as Cougar's brush pulls down, causing tiny drops of water to drip from his hair past the scars on his shoulder- "Narnaja." -and run down the length of his back. Jensen's eyes follow three of them- "Amarillo." -from start to when they reach Cougar's pajamas and become absorbed in the material of his low- "Verde." -slung pajama pants. Jensen watches as- "Azul." -once more, Cougar pull his hair back exposing the- "Índigo." -arch of his neck all over again. Cougar keeps watching the TV, smiling as he runs the brush through his hair. Jensen always knew he had pretty hair, but how did he- "Morado." -not notice it was also so- oh. 

Sweet baby Raptor Jesus. What the ever loving fuck is happening in his pants.

Jensen takes a deep breath and tears his eyes away from Cougar and puts them on the screen where Dora is smiling and giggling like she knows. 

This is Dora's fault. It has to be. He's been brainwashed by her rainbows and Spanish. There is no other explanation. 

Well, there may be others, but this one works for now. Because there he was, innocently eating his cereal and allowing Dora to help him expand his vocabulary, when things got weird. 

Blaming Dora feels good. Natural. 

Jensen looks down discreetly before lowering his cereal bowl onto his lap. Okay. He can do this. He just needs to find a quiet place to hide until he can find the creators of this program and kill them. But first, he needs to come up with a plan to get out of the living room without drawing any attention to himself. He can do this. He's a tactical genius, he simply needs to trust his gut. 

Jensen nods to himself once, calming himself as he takes a deep breath, and goes with his gut instinct. Mindlessly, he hurls his cereal bowl across the room as hard as he can. The shards of glass, cereal, and milk scattered on and around the TV quickly become Cougar's main focus after a quick, wide-eyed glance back at Jensen. Cougar stares at the broken glass and sparks shooting from the TV while opening and closing his mouth. 

Now's his chance. Jensen launches himself up and over the back of the couch. Quick as he can, he grabs his keys and is out the door before Cougar notices anything weird about his pants or the contents within. 

He has no shoes, but it's still a victory.

\------

He's in his car and halfway to Jennifer's when it dawns on him that he might need to rethink his label of tactical genius. And victory. Or at least stop trusting his gut. And probably buy Cougar an apology card. It was Cougar's TV he just killed.

After Cougar calls three more times, Jensen changes the settings on his phone so Cougar goes straight to voicemail. He'll probably need to get an apology card for that too.

\------

He calls his sister when he's about ten minutes away, because he's been stuck in the car for almost half an hour with only his thoughts. His thoughts are not safe. His thoughts would probably lead to him to bursting into her house screaming. Such an entrance could only lead to scaring Beth and Jennifer shooting him. 

While Jensen could live with getting shot, and has done so before, he could not live with himself if he made Beth cry.

"I kinda think something's wrong with me. Not like, bad wrong, only maybe, but also no," he blurts out as soon as Jennifer picks up. It's not the best opening, but it's better than screaming about killing his niece's favorite cartoon character. He hears a deep breath and hates that knows the exact exasperated look on Jennifer's face from half a town away.

"What's wrong, Jake?"

"I kinda destroyed Cougar's TV." 

"Buy him a new one and apologize," she says breezily, "but do not buy him a card. You aren't allowed to buy cards anymore."

Jensen winces. "I know that. You know, eidetic memory and all." 

"Right," Jennifer snorts. "'Cause remembering something and actually doing as you're told are the same thing."

"Ew, you sound just like him. So, in other news I kinda may have been brainwashed. And seem to be gay." 

The silence on the other end of the line is deafening. 

"Pardon?" 

"It's not my fault! I wanted to explore the Spanish language with Dora, not my sexuality!" 

There is a soft sigh. "I can't do this conversation over the phone, Jake. Come home."

"I'm like five minutes away."

"Then you aren't breaking enough traffic laws." 

\------

Jennifer is standing in the doorway of her house when he pulls up. Her arms are crossed in a way that makes Jensen tempted to throw the Honda in reverse and drive away.

"Don't even think about it, Jake," she calls before disappearing into the house.

It's a bad day, and it's not even noon. Jensen should quit his job and become a villain. Buy a nice 2 bedroom 2 bath mountain lair with ill-gotten money and retire. 

"Get inside, right now, mister!!" booms Jennifer's voice from inside the house and Jensen winces. 

Unbuckling his seatbelt, he takes one last longing look at the road, then climbs out and makes his way to the house.

In the living room, Jennifer is laying on the couch with a beer while Beth plays with her Nintendo DS. Neither looks up when he enters the room.

"Sit." 

He does, dropping down next to Beth who gives him a brief smile before focusing back on her game. 

Jennifer sits up, scrutinizing him. "So. From the beginning," Jennifer prompts.

"I was watching Dora," Jake explains. 

Jennifer raises an eyebrow.

"About time," Beth says with approval in her voice.

"And I was practicing the pronunciation stuff." 

Beth looks up at him and powers off her game. "This is gonna be good. I can already tell," she chirps happily and Jensen gives her a weak smile.

"Well, I guess Cougar heard and came in to see what I was doing." Jensen scratches his head. "Well, probably more so to laugh at me."

"So you broke his TV?" Jennifer asks, making Beth turn to Jensen with a disapproving look. Looks like it is genetic after all.

"No," Jensen assures her, "that was later. So, I learned my colors and was practicing my accent when Cougar kinda waltzed in and decided to stay." Jensen gestures towards his head, and then looks purposefully at Jennifer. "His hair was all drippy and wet." 

Jennifer's eyebrow rises. Beth looks confused.

"And he started brushing it." 

Jennifer's stare intensifies, in that creepy, soul-reading way she has before she sighs. 

"Beth, go play outside with Rowsdower, okay, sweetie?" 

Beth groans, but picks up her DS and heads out. When she's gone, Jennifer takes a long drink, draining her bottle and sets it down carefully on the table. 

"Jake..."

"I think I got confused, you know?" Jensen rambles, cutting her off. He's not sure he's ready to hear what she has to say right now. Maybe ever. 

"Like, I saw the hair, all curly and wet, and I got all confused and thought 'lady', and the little dimple things above his pants, I've seen girls with those! I was probably thinking of girls." Jensen takes a deep breath, as Jennifer raises a disbelieving eyebrow and says nothing.

"And you may have a point. Because I wasn't. Thinking of a girl, I mean. I was thinking about the scars on his shoulder. And his hair. And those dimple things." He furrows his brow. "I thought about those dimple things a lot."

"Jake..." Jennifer sighs as Jensen cuts her off again.

"This means I'm gay, doesn't it? I mean, I know they say 2-13% of the population is gay, but I kinda thought I was in the 87-98%." Jensen buries his head in his hands. "Why has no one told me this? I mean, I've been told, but I assumed they were just… Oh, man. This is bad."

Before Jennifer can speak, Beth's voice pops up from the corner.

"There's nothing wrong with gay people, not unless you ask Amanda's mom. But she's just mad that Zach's moms get asked to cook at all the classroom parties, but no one wants to eat the food she makes." 

Jensen lifts his head and stares at Beth for a moment before turning back to Jennifer.

"Listen to your eavesdropping niece, Jake," Jennifer says, somewhere between tired and sad. She shakes her head and gives Beth one of her mom looks. "Now go play outside for real this time, Beth, or lose computer and soccer privileges for a month." 

Beth nods, knowing an escape when she's given one. Jennifer waits for the patio door's slam before she looks back to Jake.

"You're really freaking out, aren't you?" Jennifer says quietly. "Is it the gay thing or the Cougar thing?"

"I don't know. Can it be both?" Jensen hangs his head, leaning into Jennifer's hands when they start rubbing his back. "I can't really think very well right now what with the information overload. It's just a lot to process. I mean, gay and Cougar. One by it's self is enough to fuck everything up." His voice falls to a whisper. "I can't give them a reason to kick me off the team, Jennifer." 

"They don't care about Cougar, so why would you be any different?"

"That's different. Cougar's different." Jensen almost yells, body shaking. Two arms wrap around him from behind and hold him still as Jensen takes a gasping breath. "A team needs balance, and me sniffing around Cougs will fuck it up."

Jensen takes three slow breaths as Jennifer holds him closer, whispering meaningless words.

"There's a reason, you know, outside of the whole long proud history of sexist and homophobic behavior, that women and gay guys aren't welcomed on these teams. Lusty hormones and tender feelings don't have a place on a mission. You can't have two people butting heads over a another team member. You can't worry two people are off fucking each other when they should be on guard duty. You can't ever put a single teammate above the others, much less above the mission."

Jennifer moves, resting her chin on his shoulder, and sighs. Jensen makes a choked sound before he laughs, wild and hysteric, clamping his hands over his own mouth. 

"What am I going to do? I'm gonna get transferred and I haven't even gone on a mission with them yet."

"You don't have to do anything. You don't have to tell anyone if you don't want too."

"So, I should lie?"

"If you want to, sure," Jennifer pauses, and rubs her hand through his hair with a weak smile. "You know, off topic, I kinda always thought you might be asexual."

Jensen blinks, mind grasping at the distraction desperately, but unable to follow. "Huh?" 

Jennifer nods. "You never showed any interest in anyone that I saw. So I went to some ACE meetings. Got one of those 'So your kid is asexual' books. Learned a lot. Made some friends." 

"Oh," Jensen says, nodding slowly. "Well, I liked girls. Still do. Apparently guys too. Trees however, don't do it for me at all."

Jennifer shrugs, "I didn't know that. I worked with what I had. I mean, I never found any porn when I cleaned your room and you never came to me to talk about a crush. And you didn't seem to care the neighbor sun bathed topless." 

Jensen almost wants to laugh. "I hid my porn, like a normal kid. And I never showed any interest around you when it came to the opposite sex, because you were my creepy oversharing sister. The same sister who gave me way too many details when I came home from school and asked you what a donkey show was." 

"You asked."

"I was ten. I thought it was some type of circus for donkeys. Petting Zoos were never the same for me after that."

Jennifer snorts unrepentantly. "When you were little, you were still smarter than a lot of adults. I treated you like one." 

Jensen huffs and leans back.

"Jake, what can I do to help?"

"I don't know. This hasn't really happ-" Jensen's mind jumps to Warp 9 without his permission and he barely notices his eyes lose focus. 

"Whatcha thinking about, Jake?" 

"This is making a lot of things that have happened between Cougs and I take on a whole new meaning."

"Is that such a bad thing?" Jennifer asks, and unwraps herself and moves to sit next to him on the floor. "So, what did we see?"

"Well, besides massive amounts of stupid on my part, not much I'm keen on sharing with my sister."

"Thank you for your consideration towards my fragile mental state."

Jensen waves her off and chews absently on his lip. "I think I knew," he confesses quietly.

Jennifer shrugs. "Maybe you knew you weren't ready to know."

"I don't feel very ready right now."

"But are you dealing with this better than you would have last year? Or the year before?"

"Probably." Jensen shrugs and they sit in silence, Jennifer thinking whatever things an older sister thinks, and Jensen re-watching himself make a fool out of himself around Jason from down the street, Tony from organic bio, and Cougar.

"You work your way through this yet?" 

Jensen shrugs. "I don't know." Jensen manages a small smile for his sister. "I feel less likely to throw any more bowls at the TV though." 

Jennifer raises a brow. 

"I had to escape without Cougar... noticing anything."

"So you threw a bowl at his TV?"

"I was panicked?" 

"Did you…" Jennifer narrows her eyes. "Did you break his TV and then run away without saying anything?"

"A little." Jensen drops his head back into his hands. "Clearly I don't need to worry about Cougar wanting me off the team or worried I'll hit on him, 'cause he'll be mad I acted like a lunatic who broke his TV." 

Jennifer pats his back.

"You really don't do things the easy way, do you?" She smiles. "But don't be too worried about Cougar being mad. He won't be. At least about the gay thing."

"At the very least he's gonna think I lied to him. Let's not even think about the whole sleeping arrangement thing getting incredibly more awkward. I knew something was off there. And I think that line I crossed just got more... crossed."

Jennifer sighs and leans back against the bottom half of the couch. "I wanna ask, but my sanity says, no, don't do it, you'll be scarred for life."

Jensen hums and throws himself back to lie on the floor.

"Is it really so terrible that you want him?"

Jensen laughs bitterly and Jennifer looks away with a wince, plucking absently at the carpet.

"It's okay if you like him, Jake. You know that, right? You're allowed to want someone. It doesn't make you a bad person." Jennifer doesn't look up or stop picking at the carpet. "Wanting love, even just wanting mutual lust, isn't bad. It's human. You can want it, and get it, and still be nothing like him."

"I wasn't even thinking about him."

"Lair." Jennifer says kindly. "You do get that there's a real good chance Cougar wants you the way you want him, right? I mean, knowing what you know now, think about how he acts around you. Use that big brain to look."

Jensen sets his jaw and stares at the celling.

"I know you didn't get a lot of role models for healthy relationships. I seemed to only attracted cheating bastards and... Well, nothing about them was healthy."

"I know that. I'm not stupid."

"About some things, you can be," Jennifer says gently. "I think this is one of those things." Jennifer pulls her knees up and leans her head on them, staring at him. "I know you didn't really get a chance to see it first hand, but two people can be happy together. They can care about each other and love each other, and be good for each other."

"I'm not good with people," Jensen says quietly. 

"You're too smart to believe something like that," Jennifer replies. "You can be so good with people. You're amazing with Beth and I, and you're great with the boys. You're even great with Jolene, and I know how hard it can be f-"

"Jennifer," Jensen cuts her off firmly, making Jennifer shrug.

"Fine. We'll pretend that I don't know you that well, but, you know what?"

"What?" Jensen sighs.

"I've never seen you react to someone like you do with Cougar."

Jensen hums and turns his head away, but Jennifer's hand darts out and grabs his face turning it back towards her.

"Watching you around him is like seeing a new side of you. I like what I see, I like that man you become. I like that you fuss over him and worry over him. I love that he fusses and worries over you. That's what people do when they care about each other." Jennifer studies him closely before pulling her hand away. 

"You're weird," Jensen says in a hollow voice. 

Jennifer shrugs. "Big sisters always are. Doesn't make it less true."

"So... I really like him." Jensen whispers in a shredded voice, not meeting Jennifer's eyes.

"That's not a bad thing," Jennifer promises, "and he wouldn't think less of you if he knew." Jennifer sighs, leaning back. "There are people out there who won't use your love as leverage to get what they want. They'll love you as much as I love you and they'll put up with you for the same reasons you put up with them."

"What if he…"

Jennifer breathes deeply. "I don't see any of mom or him in Cougar. Do you?"

"No."

"That's because Cougar is a good person at heart. He would never be like them."

"You can't know that."

"Well, too fucking bad, 'cause I say I do." 

Jensen rolls over and presses his face against her leg.

"I'm fucked up," Jensen admits like it's costing him something to say out loud. "I'm so fucked up."

"Kiddo, we're all fucked up. And do you really think Cougar is the shining picture of mental health?" Jennifer laughs, making the hairs on Jensen's neck stand up. Jennifer stops and looks down at him, her finger pushing the glasses up higher on his nose with a fond look. 

"Being fucked up doesn't mean we don't get to be happy," Jennifer says patiently. "It just means we have to look harder to find people who are willing to love us; the people who will tell us not to give up, because things have to get better."

\------

Jennifer ends up being the one to call Cougar after Jensen spends four minutes picking up and putting down his phone to no avail.

"He's had a rough day, but he's okay. He's over here with me." Jennifer nods along before covering the phone and looking over towards him. "Can he come over?" 

Jensen shakes his head. "I need to get home, anyways."

Jennifer nods and uncovers the phone. "He's heading back home now." She nods twice, humming in agreement with whatever Cougar is saying, before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone. 

Jensen stands up and lets Jennifer wrap him up in a hug before heading towards the door.

"Don't forget to apologize for the TV and offer to buy him a new one," Jennifer says with an encouraging smile. She moves closer and tugs his shirt gently into place. "You don't have to tell him anything, even though I think you should."

"Nag," Jensen says halfheartedly as he squares his shoulders and opens the front door and heads for his car.

"You'll always be my brave little toaster, Jakey!" Jennifer calls after him, making him pause long enough to look back and raise his middle finger.

\------

Cougar looks a bit ragged when Jensen returns. His hair is thrown up in a sloppy ponytail, and Jensen's incredibly pleased to see he's wearing a shirt now. The living room show no signs of his tactical cereal bowl ever being thrown minus the empty space where there TV used to sit.

"Hey," Jensen tries.

"Hey," Cougar looks him over worriedly, not moving from his perch on the couch. "¿Estás bien?"

Jensen feels a little like he's been punched in the stomach when it clicks that Cougar didn't go the 'Jensen is insane' route that Jensen had counted on so much as the 'Jensen had a flashback' route. He swallows thickly and gives his best attempt at a smile.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm okay. It wasn't a flashback or anything, just my usual brand of crazy," Jensen assures Cougar while moving into the room. "I'm okay."

Cougar gives him a disbelieving look, but nods. "You did not answer your phone," 

"Yeah. I had a lot on my mind," Jensen mumbles, sitting across from Cougar but staring down at his own hands. Cougar says nothing, but Jensen can feel the other man's stare burning into his skin.

"I'll replace the TV. And the bowl."

Cougar nods and Jensen chances a peek up at Cougar who offers a small and painfully fake smile for him.

"Can I get a rain check on this conversation?" Jensen asks preemptively.

"Tenemos que hablar," Cougar says, shaking his head.

"We'll talk, I swear, just…" He runs a hand through his hair. "I kinda just realized something. And intellectually, yeah, I think I get it. But otherwise, I'm freaking out and I need to…" Jensen looks up and shrugs. "I'm not sure I know the right thing to say to myself, let alone another person right now."

"Then do not say the right thing, just speak."

"It's kinda fucked up." 

Cougar raises an eyebrow and patiently stares back at him.

Jensen's mind runs through at least forty possible scenarios as to how this will go. None of them are ideal and Jensen can feel the flames of panic as his pulse speeds up under his skin.

"Breathe," Cougar says knowingly. "Breathe. Then speak."

"So. I feel I should start this terrible, ill-advised conversation with two important details. Firstly, if this thing pisses you off, I'll do whatever you want to make it right. I'll move, I'll transfer, never bother you again, whatever you decide."

Cougar makes a surprised sound and Jensen takes it as a cue to keep talking.

"Secondly, I seriously am not lying when I say this is all news to me. I swear I wasn't holding out on you or being a dick. I just…" Jensen waves his hand in the air, "didn't know." Jensen sighs and rubs at his face before looking back up. "You like guys, right?"

"Yes," Cougar says after a pause. "You know this."

"Yeah." Jensen nods absently. "I'm guessing you probably knew for a while before you told me, right?"

Cougar gives him a confused look.

"See, that's 'cause you're smart. I," Jensen says, pointing to his chest, "I am not."

"You did not know I liked men?" Cougar asks slowly.

"No, no," Jensen amends quickly, "I didn't know I liked men." Jensen blinks and runs a hand through his hair. "Well, I might have, but I worked really hard to tell myself I didn't." 

Cougar's eyes go a little wild and he looks away from Jensen and down at the floor as his expression closes off.

"And this morning, it finally sunk in," Jensen says hesitantly. "You were all…" Jensen waves his arms, "shirtless with the neck tilting. And your hair gets all curly when it's wet."

Cougar's blank expression breaks enough for his eyebrows to practically touch his hairline, but he says nothing.

"I know, I fucked up, and I'm sorry." 

Cougar blinks and stares at the wall behind Jensen. "Is this… a joke?"

"No."

Cougar nods and keeps staring at the wall. "You like men."

"Yeah, but I won't try anything. I swear, 'cause you're my best friend and I wouldn't do that to you. I just felt like I should be honest with you," Jensen says quietly. "But if you want, I'll move. Transfer. Whatever."

"The TV?"

"I'll replace it. Get you a new one. You can pick it out if you want. Well, no, you can't. You'd pick out a shity one."

"No." Cougar shakes his head in amusement. "Why did you break it?"

Jensen pushes up his glasses and can feel his cheeks burning. "Would you believe that it was all part of my master plan to get out before you noticed I had a boner?"

Cougar's lips twitch up and he nods.

They fall back into awkward silence as neither man speaks. After a moment of staring, Jensen coughs.

"So..." Jensen rubs his palms together, "should I be looking for an apartment?"

"No."

Jensen closes his eyes and takes a moment to bask in the relief before asking, "A new team?"

Cougar shakes his head and Jensen wants to kiss him in a way that has nothing to do with liking guys.

"Relájate," Cougar says kindly. "So, only today?"

"Yeah. Seems like my brain has been protecting me from my gayness for the sake of my own sanity."

"It bothers you?"

"Yeah," Jensen admits. "Not the liking dick bit, that's fine. My dick has been nothing but awesome in my experience, so I have no qualms getting to know others," Jensen says, sighing and rubbing at this hair. "But the whole deal with me popping a boner over you isn't doing much good for my sanity. 'Cause you're Cougs, my best buddy, the Gumby to my Pokey, the Zoe to my Mal, the Doctor to my Donna." Jensen winces. "It's fucking with my world view in a way I am not capable of handling."

"Because we are friends?"

"Yeah. And… I have have some intimacy issues. As in I don't do intimacy. Just figuring out we were friends took a major adjustment period. That, and Jennifer and you spelling it out for me. So having sexy thoughts about you feels like I'm betraying you in a big way. And I don't know how to make it right." 

"It is not betrayal. And I am not upset," Cougar assures him before he meets his gaze with a neutral expression. "You… have not been intimate with anyone?"

"I'm assuming you mean sexually?" 

"If you…" Cougar trails off with a shrug. "I should not have asked."

"No, it's fine. Tonight might as well be awkward confession from Jensen night. Sexually, no guys and only two women." Jensen bites his lip. "I have a hard time with women," he admits almost in a whisper. "I like them. I really do, but I have some really strong protective urges around them. It makes the idea of even hitting on them... problematic at best."

"Because of your father," Cougar says quietly, making Jensen's eyes go blank behind his lenses.

"What about him?" 

Cougar holds up his hands slowly, looking almost penitent. "When we mourned, your sister needed to speak. I listened."

Jensen sets his jaw and looks away. "Oh, awesome." 

"You have nothing to be ashamed of. You wer-"

"I swear," Jensen growls, cutting him off, "if you say I was brave or lucky, I will feed you your fucking hat."

"You were." Cougar looks unfazed by the threat, but speaks calmly like Jensen is a spooked animal ready to run. "I have not treated you differently since I've known, have I?"

"No," Jensen admits after a pause, his eyes thawing out some, "You haven't. Do the others know?"

"No."

An uncomfortable silence falls over them, Cougar staring at Jensen, and Jensen doing his best to look everywhere but at Cougar.

"So, do you think Clay will kick me out if he finds out I'm gay?"

"No." Cougar allows the change in subject, tilting his head curiously. "Will you tell them?"

"I feel like I shouldn't have to. 'Cause it's none of their business. It's kinda my favorite option so far, but I also feel like it's pretty much me lying to them."

"They don't have to know. You don't owe that to them or anyone else."

"Maybe," Jensen says quietly. "Just so you know, I don't want things between us to get weird." Jensen pauses. "Well, weirder, cause we're already pretty fucking weird. But I promise I won't try anything."

Cougar smiles slowly. "Once you finish your thinking and are ready, I encourage you to try something."

Jensen's brain short-circuits and Cougar smirks. Jensen stares at him, eyes narrowed and Cougar smiles back.

"Are you serious?"

"Very."

Jensen swallows heavily. "Not gonna lie, as jazzed as I am about that, I just had an urge to dive out the window and run away. Possibly to Australia to live among the koalas. Did you know a female koala is pregnant for only thirty-five days before giving birth?"

"No, I didn't." Cougar pauses, "But no koalas and no jumping out windows." His smirk melts into something gentle as he nods pointedly towards the space their TV used to sit. "If you need space, you do not have to escape me. Just tell me."

"I'm not sure how long it will take to defrag my brain," Jensen admits in a small voice, "and I'm not sure I can enough to be..."

Cougar shrugs. "You will have no pressure from me. No timeframe. No risk. If you want me, I am yours. If you do not, I will still be your friend."

Jensen nods and looks down, picking at the seam of his jeans. "You still gonna crash on the bed?"

"Do you want me there?" Cougar asks neutrally.

"Yes."

"Then, I will be there."

\------

Things somehow manage to feel very normal between them. Other than the concerned looks Jennifer shoots them from time to time, it feels like nothing has changed even though everything has.

For the most part, Jensen spends the next several weeks staring at Cougar whenever he thinks he won't notice. 

Cougar always notices. 

\------

On their first mission with Jensen, the team is shipped off to Nicaragua. Jensen's chatter is almost jarring compared to the silence they normally worked in. They spend the first two days trudging through the jungle on edge from the utterly foreign noise that keeps spilling from Jensen. 

It's not that Jensen doesn't know how to be quiet when it's required, in fact, he doesn't even have to be prompted when the mission requires silence. It's that when silence isn't required, he's talking, and at the very least he's throwing out semi-regular commentary. He talks about everything from the chemical composition of paint to why he thinks Roque is statistically the most likely out of all of them to get type 2 syphilis from a tattoo. It's enough to make Clay's eye's twitch, Cougar and Pooch exchange pained looks, and make Roque's threats to Jensen flirt with real threats. 

Jensen spends the first day rambling to Roque about Coke vs. Pepsi and why both are shit when compared to Mountain Dew while Roque sharpens his knives. He tells knock-knock jokes to Clay while they set up camp. He complains to Cougar about Clay's lacking humor when Clay gives Jensen a look that prompts Roque to drag Clay away. He tries to convince Pooch to help him build a tiny, but fully functional tank for Beth when they get back. 

By the third day, for the most part the team still watches Jensen cautiously, only occasionally threatening bodily harm. 

And then the bullets start flying and everything gets a little crazy. There's more of them then there are Losers, and while they aren't as well trained and are poorly armed, it's still chaos. 

It's enough chaos that two men manage to get the drop on Roque and start attempting to cut Roque's eye out with his own knife. But then Jensen is turning, firing twice, and the men drop. Roque looses balance and drops with them as Jensen moves closer.

"You realize," Jensen says in between bursts, "you totally have to tell people about how you got that scar. 'Cause it's not super traumatic or tragic, and it will make me look good." Jensen stops long enough to grin down at Roque, who's still sprawled on his ass, before turning to open fire on three men emerging from the tree line. All three fall while Roque starts cursing everything from Jensen to the jungle while holding a hand his face.

"Come on, man," Jensen says lightly, crouching to retrieve a bag of gauze from his pocket and tossing it to Roque. "Everyone wants to know about your scars, and that's totally gonna scar, we're talking iconic level scarring. People are gonna start describing you as that scary fucker with the scar." Jensen smiles and Roque glares through his one good eye. "So you have to start telling people how the dashing Jake Jensen saved your ass. 'Cause I did." Jensen ejects his magazine and grabs a second one from his vest, reloading and opening fire again. "And you love me for it."

Roque stares up at Jensen before picking up his rifle. "You're fucking crazy, you know that, right?"

"We're all crazy." Jensen cackles, his face pressed up against his M16 as he gets a bead on a running man. "Crazy like a fox!" Jensen croons before he squeezes the trigger. The man falls and Roque starts cursing again.

\------

When the firefight is over, Jensen handles stitching up Roque, still chattering away. The rest of them can't help but notice Roque, who normally is the angriest of them when it comes to being wounded, is sitting there dumbly staring at Jensen while he sews and rambles. 

"I'm not very good at this," Jensen says as he finishes stitching the bottom, "but I'm pretty sure the cut over your eye is long enough I could probably stitch a small word in it. Any requests? I could do…" Jensen sizes up the cut and scratches his chin, "Scar. No, you're right, that's tacky. How about I, a little heart, and then knives?"

"Bro, I will kill you if you try it," Roque says without venom. 

Jensen tsks at him and starts stitching. "You ruin all my fun, Roque."

\-----

"This is weird," Pooch says quietly from across the camp. "Roque got cut with his own knife. His own knife. And he's all…"

"Calm," Cougar says, nodding in worried agreement.

"Yeah. Anyone else feel like something is terribly, terribly wrong? Like Roque has snapped and we're all gonna die?"

"Nothing's wrong, Jensen just calms him down," Clay says as he dumps a pack of instant coffee into his canteen. He caps it and shakes while keeping his eyes on Jensen and Roque in the distance. "Those two are a lot alike."

Pooch snorts. "Only not."

"Take a good look at them, Pooch," Clay says, sounding tired. "They both grew up with monsters, and not the imaginary ones. Underneath Jensen's noise and Roque's bark they're the same scared kid. They just learned to deal with their monsters differently." Clay takes a drink from his canteen and looks over to Cougar. "Am I wrong?"

Cougar says nothing, but clenches his jaw, looking back over to where the other two sit, Roque quietly watching Jensen as he fusses over his stitches.

"Thought so." There's no victory in Clay's voice. 

"That's fucked up," Pooch says in a low voice.

Clay shrugs, his eyes betraying the casual gesture as they lock on Pooch. "We all have our skeletons, don't we Pooch?"

\------

Clay ends up spraying his instant coffee all over Roque later that night when he notices the tiny letters spelling JUICY stitched into his XO's forehead. 

Roque isn't amused.

\------

By their third mission, Jensen's noise has already become the team's touchstone. One they don't realize they're used to, until, in a matter of seconds, it's missing. 

It starts with Jensen cursing over the radio, yelling to stay outside, fuck, the deton- and then the radio crackles in their ears loud enough and long enough that they should have all taken them out to protect their eardrums. No one does though, and they watch in horror as the building starts shaking before falling in on itself.

It takes the Losers almost thirty minutes to dig Jensen out of the rubble, and in those thirty minutes the entire team already feels the change. 

They become almost unbalanced in the silence that used to feel so safe.

\------

Everyone stands when Jennifer comes bursting into the hospital room, breathless and wide-eyed. Her eyes lock on Jensen's body immediately, his eyes closed with his mouth open and drool running down the side of his mouth.

"He…"

"Sleeping," Clay insists. "He'll be fine, sprained wrist and minor head injury."

"Jolene's already on her way over to make sure our boys getting treated well." Pooch says with forced enthusiasm.

"Good," Jennifer says softly, wrapping her arms around herself, moving forward slowly towards the bed. She reaches out and rests one hand tentatively over Jensen's before pulling it away. "Good." She exhales then looks around the room, pausing on each of them, still standing there awkwardly staring at her. 

"What? Is there bad news?"

"No," Clay assures her quickly.

"Okay," Jennifer says with narrowed eyes. "Then what's with this?" she asks, motioning around the room.

"They're worried you'll be mad at them," Jolene says from the doorway. She's wearing wrinkled scrubs and an ID badge from another hospital, but no one stops her as she plucks Jensen's chart off the end of the bed. She reads over the first page before flipping through two more and giving Jennifer a tired smile. "They're right though, he'll be fine."

Jennifer nods and looks back over to Clay who meets her eyes. "So, are any of his injuries a direct result of the actions or negligence of you or these other clowns?"

"No. The detonator-"

Jennifer waves him off. "As long as the answer is no, I really don't care what happened. You brought him home in one piece." Jennifer shrugs. "I can't ask for more without being unreasonable. So sit down already, you're making me feel twitchy."

\------

When Jensen is released from the hospital, he skips the couch and goes straight to the bed. Cougar feels his whole body still when Jensen flops down. Cougar makes himself busy, so as not to be obvious, turning to the dresser. He pulls his rings, hat, watch, and bracelets off slowly, laying them neatly in a row. 

"Is this okay? 'Cause I haven't done this since…" Jensen trails off and Cougar stills, his hand hovering over the leather strap of his watch.

"Por supuesto," he says turning to face Jensen.

"'Cause I'm still not... there," Jensen says, staring at the celling. "You know, there there." Jensen's eyes flit over towards Cougar skittishly.

"No te preocupes," Cougar says with a nod, "y sin presión."

"Thanks Cougs," he says softly before looking back up towards the ceiling.

"De nada." 

When Cougar joins him on the bed, there's an awkward moment where he isn't sure what to do and Jensen lays there stiffly, not looking at him.

"I love that this is more awkward than when it was me, thinking I was straight and spooning my best friend," Jensen says dryly.

Cougar chuckles before he can stop himself. 

"Exactly! This calls for drastic actions." Jensen rolls his head to the side to stare at Cougar with a small smile. "What do you think?"

Cougar raises an eyebrow. Jensen's smile grows and he turns on his side, one long arm draping over Cougar before pulling him towards him.

"I am not a doll," Cougar mutters half-heartedly and Jensen ignores him, moves Cougar around to his liking.

"I know. You're a kitty," Jensen says happily as he tucks Cougar against his chest. He exhales heavily as he twines his fingers with Cougar's. "There. That's better. Also, how the fuck did I not notice how gay this is?"

Cougar smirks.

"Did you know?" Jensen asks hesitantly.

"No. I thought you were… cariñoso. And unabashed about showing it."

"Cariñoso?"

"Mmmm..." Cougar chews his lip. "Affectionate?"

"Ah." Jensen squeezes Cougar's hand. "Why did you keep putting up with me?" There's something raw in Jensen's voice and Cougar squeezes the other man's hand back and leans back into him.

"Duele a veces, pero me resultó imposible no ser tu amigo."

"Not gonna lie, I caught less than half of that."

"Then you should watch more Dora, yes?"

"Задница," Jensen mutters burying his face in Cougar's neck.

\------

Jennifer comes over to drop off some stew while Cougar is checking the scores of the games he missed while on mission. Jennifer spends almost five minutes staring at him in a way she probably thinks is discreet before Cougar gives up. He turns to her expectantly.

"Yes?"

Jennifer bites her lip. "That's Enki, isn't it?" she asks, pointing to the laptop.

Cougar looks down at the laptop, unable to remember Jensen's pet name for this particular computer.

"The bottom. Check the bottom," Jennifer urges quietly while moving to hover next to him.

Cougar rolls his eyes but obeys, turning the laptop over. There, on the bottom left corner next to a tiny trident is the word Enki scrawled in Jensen's sloppy writing.

"Put it back, put it back," Jennifer hisses, throwing her hands up and moving away like the machine might burn her. 

Cougar looks from her to the laptop and back.

"That's his main laptop. That's his baby," Jennifer insists. "He will throw a fit and make you legally married to Roque if he catches you using that."

Cougar frowns. "He said I could use it." 

Jennifer scrunches up her nose and searches his face. "This laptop in particular?" she asks, pointing again to the laptop like Cougar is slow.

Cougar nods. "He gave me the passwords."

"He gave you the passwords?" Jennifer repeats with a baffled look. "Jesus Christ. He gave you the passwords." Jennifer stares at him dumbly before pulling out a chair and sitting down.

"Yes?" 

Jennifer looks at him and laughs. "Congratulations, Cougar, never thought I'd see the day."

Cougar nods slowly, unsure of what to say.

"What a little shit. He gave you his passwords and he didn't even tell me he was planning to," Jennifer says forlornly.

Cougar just gives Jennifer a nod and goes back to his scores. It's always best, in his experience, to allow Jensen family members time to themselves when they start to act more strangely than normal. 


	13. We need to talk about your life choices, and how Jolene is a bad one.

"Your sister was surprised that I was using Enki," Cougar says over dinner.

Jensen freezes with his spoon halfway to his mouth and his eyes wide. He stays still for a moment before lowering his spoon and pushing his bowl away from him.

"Jennifer saw you using Enki?" Jensen asks with a serious expression.

Cougar nods.

"Was she mad?"

"Worried, until I told her I had the passwords."

"You told her I gave you the passwords?" Jensen asks, looking honestly baffled. "You can't just tell people that kind of stuff!"

Cougar sighs and crosses his arms and levels a glare at Jensen. "Jensen, explícame. Ahora."

"I gave you the passwords," Jensen says gravely, "to my main computer. That I use for my shenanigans. There are maybe six people who could get past the security on Enki without having her purge all data." 

Cougar keeps staring.

"Okay," Jensen waves a hand towards himself, "let's say for the sake of this conversation that I'm the person who stole those four paintings from the Foundation E.G. Bührle in 2008. Those passwords are the equivalent of me telling you how I did it and where the paintings are." 

"So she was surprised you trusted me this much?" Cougar says as he unfolds his arms. 

"Yeah," Jensen mutters petulantly, ears growing red as he grabs his spoon and stabs at his stew. "Besides, it's Enki. If I gave those passwords to someone who knew what they were doing, they would have smoked a fucking cigarette afterwards instead of blabbing about it to the world like an idiot."

Cougar smirks and ignores the barb, feeling too pleased to care.

\------

On Jensen's fourth mission with the Losers, they're camped out on the outskirts of Leimus. 

Cougar is on watch when the first grey canister falls from the sky, orange gas spreading quickly from it as it lands, stinging his eyes and causing his lungs to burn. Cougar calls out a warning the same moment he feels the sharp strike to the back of his head sending him foreword. 

The world goes black before he can even think to wonder if the others, if Jensen, heard his warning.

\------

Cougar wakes up in a tiny cell, gagged, with his arms and legs bound securely. He spends his time working on his bindings to no avail, (outside of bloody wrists), and kicking himself for not seeing the attack coming. He pointedly doesn't think about his team. 

Too much time passes in uninterrupted silence as Cougar watches the sky darken through the bars in the tiny window he can't reach. He kicks at the door and visually searches his cell, but in the end he's right where he began. The caked blood drying on his wrists is the only noticeable change in his situation by the time he feels the first hints of exhaustion.

He does his best to stay awake, to stay alert, but his body betrays him and he falls into a black sleep.

\------

Cougar wakes to the sound of gunshots. There are two that he hears, followed by silence and a moan. A short time later, two more shots are fired and the moaning stops. When he strains his ears, Cougar can hear low voices speaking, too quietly to make out the language, let alone the words. After a pause, there's the creaking sound of metal, soft voices, and more movement. Cougar does his best to move himself back from the door of his cell and waits, twisting in his bindings and reopening the wounds in desperate hope for a chance at defending himself.

The sounds of metal creaking sound for the third time, even closer, and this time Cougar can hear the quiet voices. He can hear Pooch.

Cougar shifts and slams his feet against the wall three times, making the voices go quiet. There's silence, and Cougar stays where he is and waits, taking extra care to make no further movement.

A moment later, at the corner of his cell, he's greeted with the business end of a M16 as Jensen slowly leans in, breaking his cover to peer inside his cell, his weapon drawn up and tight. His eyes find Cougar and he lingers over him only for a second, before he leaves to sweep the cell next to Cougar's. When he's cleared both, he moves on, coming back minutes later, rifle slung over his shoulder as he motions to someone behind him before kneeling and retrieving his lock picks from his pocket.

"Hey, Kitty," Jensen murmurs as he works. "Been wondering where you got off to."

Jensen works quietly for a moment before humming happily and standing to push the cell door open just as Pooch and Clay appear with Roque carried between them. 

Roque smiles and waves. Cougar nods back in confusion, before looking to Clay.

Clay looks him over. "You alright?"

Cougar nods as Jensen starts to undo his bindings. When he gets Cougar's hands free, he flips open his knife and easily cuts off the gag. Cougar brings up a newly freed hand and presses gently to the back of his head where his scalp is itchy and wet. His hand comes back covered in blood, both crusted and wet.

"Shit. You good to move?" Pooch asks when he catches sight of it.

Cougar nods and rubs at his wrists, trying to get the feeling back while Jensen works on his ankle bindings.

"Don't know why they gagged you, it's not like you actually talk," Roque says with a loopy smile. "Maybe they are kinky commandos. I rented a movie like that once."

"Why wasn't I informed that head injuries," Jensen grunts as he helps Cougar to his feet, "and morphine make Roque extra amusing." He glances at Cougar and smiles before wrinkling his nose. "You smell like piss, dude. Did they not leave you a kitty litter box?"

Cougar looks up at the other man to glare. "Pendejo," He growls in a hoarse voice while Jensen grins, eyes locked on the door at the end of the hall.

Pooch and Clay make themselves busy moving Roque onto Pooch's back in a fireman's carry.

"This is not what I was hoping for when I signed up to be transport," Pooch mutters as Roque shifts his weight.

"I'm on point," Jensen tells Cougar, taking his M9 from his thigh holster and holding it out for Cougar. "Clay's bringing up the rear while you watch out for Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Drugged. We're short on weapons since only Pooch and I evaded capture with our mad skillz."

"We hid after we heard movement," Pooch explains.

"Which could not have happened without said skillz," Cougar can almost hear the 'z' when Jensen stresses the word, "so you'll have to make do."

Cougar just nods and accepts the two magazines Jensen presents and doesn't argue. Clay and Jensen's positions will require the two M16s more than Cougar's position will. 

"Go ahead and grab mine, too," Pooch says with a grunt, adjusting Roque over his shoulder. "I got one mag left on my vest."

Cougar takes Pooch's M9 and moves it into his own holster after checking the magazine. The spare magazine goes in his pocket.

"Move when ready," Clay calls.

Jensen nods and his eyes grow distant as he moves to the head of the spear.

"Showtime," Jensen mutters, waving the others to the wall while Cougar moves forward to swing the door to the next room open. And soon as it's open, he steps back, letting Jensen move forward to sweep the room without entering. At the half way point, Jensen fires two short bursts before looking back and nodding. The others follow him wordlessly through the room and over to the two bodies bent over their unfinished card game.

"Weapons," Jensen calls softly while moving towards the only other door in the room. Cougar and Clay both quickly search while Jensen keeps watch on the back door while Pooch eyes the front.

Clay comes up from his body with a CZ 75 and a spare mag, Cougar comes up with a knife which he pockets.

Clay looks at the gun before looking over to Roque. "Can you shoot?"

"Better than you," Roque says with a pleased smile.

"How many fingers?" Clay asks, holding up two.

Roque squints and rubs a hand absently over the new scar over his eye. "Three? No. Two." 

"Fuck." Clay mutters. "No using this unless people start dying, okay? Your vision is shit," Clay whispers as he hands the gun to Roque.

"Colonel," Jensen interrupts in a tense voice. "Movement."

Clay nods and falls back into position before nodding to Cougar. 

"Ready," Cougar whispers.

Jensen nods and Cougar moves forward once again to open the door and fall back when the edge of the door explodes towards him and his arm jerks back from the force of something slamming into it. 

He looks down to see the bleeding gash opened up on his arm as his brain catches up and alerts him to the fact that he's been shot. The burning streak of pain is momentarily disorienting.

In front of him, Jensen kicks over and ducks behind the table, grabbing Cougar by the uninjured arm and practically throwing him down. Clay opens fire to cover Pooch's slower retreat to the other wall. When Pooch and Roque have cover, Clay joins them on the opposite side of the table with a nod and a grin.

"Some fucking day, huh?" Clay calls as Jensen leans out, breaking cover and firing one short burst through the door before leaning back in.

"I do believe we are in the company of greatness," Jensen says with his own grin. 

"Corporal?"

"I have a visual on three men. There are major decorations on one guy's chest, fucker looks like a pissed off Christmas tree. The other two look like guards."

Clay nods. "Cover," he grunts, and Jensen pops up and fires twice while Clay leans out and lines up his shot. Clay fires and Jensen makes a pleased sound.

"One down," Clay reports.

"Two to go. Cougs, you're looking a little bit green and swiss cheesy," Jensen says when he ducks back down.

"'m fine." Cougar grits his teeth and transfers the M9 to his non-dominant hand and does his best to return fire when prompted.

"Got a shitty plan," Clay announces after several volleys back and forth. "You and Cougar cover me while I get to the wall. They have too much cover and we're running out of ammo."

Jensen shakes his head. "I'm on my last mag. Not much good covering anyone. Besides, you're all gimpy."

"You hurt Clay? Who hurt you?!" Roque bellows from the other side of the room, followed by a snort from Pooch.

"I'm fine." Clay growls.

"No, he isn't," Pooch says grouchily. "He's fooling no one. We all see you limping, Clay."

Cougar clenches his jaw in the irritation of not noticing something so vital.

"Fine. Cougar and I will cover Jensen. Get to the wall, we'll cover you and wait for your signal. Pooch, you take Roque's gun and meet him at the wall."

Pooch nods, taking the CZ and magazine from Roque before calling out, "I'm good." 

"Feeling fine," Jensen chirps.

"'m good," Cougar adds as he sets two of his mags on the floor in front of him for easy reach.

"Fuckin' dizzy, man," mutters Roque, making Clay roll his eyes and Jensen titter happily even as more fire comes from the other room.

"You guys sure this is the way out? 'Cause I'm liking the other way at the moment."

"Shut up, Jensen," Roque calls.

"Stop getting captured by bad guys and bleeding all over the place, and maybe I will, Roque."

There's two more bursts of fire before Clay raises his hand and everyone goes still.

"Now," Clay whispers, dropping his hand. 

Cougar breaks cover, bracing his non-dominant hand on the table and firing. His vision is fucked enough he has to rely on muscle memory instead of using the sights, which is only made harder by using his weaker hand. Under these conditions, he'll be lucky if he does more than graze one of the men in the other room.

Jensen and Pooch both stay low and make it to the side of the door by the time Cougar has to drop his magazine and bend down to reload. Clay covers until Cougar's hot and then ducks down, pulling the other M9 from Cougar's holster.

"Out of ammo sooner than I thought," Clay grunts by way of explanation before joining him again.

Jensen raises his fist and both Clay and Cougar duck back down and there's a moment of quiet before Jensen and Pooch rush in.

There's the sound of chaos, and Cougar has to squeeze his eyes closed, because his head is pounding and there are now two Clays crouched down next to him. Cougar bites his tongue and focuses on the pain until the two Clays are back to one. The gunshots continue for another heartbeat then something that sounds suspiciously like a Christmas carol starts up. Cougar's lost too much blood to bother to keep the smile off his face.

"Clear," Pooch calls back happily over the off-key singing.

Cougar leans back against the table, dropping his gun and clamping his hand over the wound on his arm.

"We need to get that taken care of," Clay says, and Cougar cracks open his eyes to see two Clays again with all four of their eyes locked on the blood seeping from between his fingers.

Cougar swallows and grunts. He doesn't get a chance to do anything else, because everything finally starts catching up with him as the adrenaline starts burning out of his system. His eyes slip shut once more without his permission to the sound of Jensen singing in the distance.

\------

When Cougar wakes up, it doesn't take much effort to work out the fact that he's in a vehicle. His body is rocking in time with the bumps while a hand cards through a small section of his hair in a pattern he knows very well. Cougar feels a small smile grow on his face. 

Jensen's hands continue to brush through his hair and over his scalp and Cougar wonders if Jensen might have been given some painkillers. From the dull ache and the relaxed state of his own body, Cougar can guess that Jensen is not alone. 

Cougar keeps his eyes closed and doesn't bother to press for any information. The ache in his head, while less then he remembers, still doesn't seem like it'd mix well with light, sound, or movement.

"You need more painkillers?" Jensen asks softly from above him.

Cougar gingerly shakes his head, noticing for the first time the warmth of his pillow, his very alive pillow.

"Stubborn. Let me know if you change your mind." 

Cougar nods and stays where he is.

"You missed out on me and Pooch kicking some ass." Jensen's voice is low enough it's practically a whisper. "I even got to use General Christmas Tree's own gun to kill him. Still got it if you wanna see."

Cougar makes a vague sound and feels a light puff of sour breath hit his face, startling him enough to open his eyes. 

He squints through the light and the pain. Eventually, he can make out Jensen's face, hunched over him, eyes red and locked on his own.

Cougar stares back, and the hand in his hair stills before tightening enough it starts to hurt. Cougar opens his mouth to say as much, but Jensen is pulling him up by his hair forcibly and leaning down towards him until their lips crash together.

It's terrible and over quickly, Jensen pulling away as soon as Cougar can't hold back his hiss of pain from the grip on his scalp, as it tears at the gash on the back of his head.

"Head wound," Cougar grits out angrily.

Jensen relaxes his grip and gingerly slides his hands out of Cougar's hair. "Whiney."

Cougar settles on glaring at Jensen.

"Jensen, a wise man don't insult people after they kiss them," comes Clay's amused voice.

"Should I really be taking advice from you, sir?"

Before Clay can defend himself, Roque starts giggling and Cougar raises his uninjured arm to pinch at Jensen's arm in retaliation.

"Fuck, dude!" Jensen yelps.

"What the fuck," Cougar hisses, torn between anger and confusion at the situation.

"Yeah, well, you're wearing pants you pissed in, so just feel lucky I even wanted to kiss you. Which I totally don't anymore, 'cause you are a jerk."

The sounds of Pooch's laughter fill the cabin as Cougar shuts his eyes in irritation.

"Jolene is gonna be psyched when I tell her you two finally got your shit together."

"Stop smoking crack, Pooch," Jensen says with a smirk, his eyes still locked on Cougar's, "I'm not interested in Cougar. He smells like a hobo and I have too much self-respect for that."

"Seriously, bro, no one here is buying what you're selling," Roque says from somewhere behind them. "Don't act like you don't daydream about braiding his hair, or whatever gay shit it is you think about when you get all sparkly-eyed over him."

"It's cocks, Roque," Jensen says with a smile as he rubs one thumb gently over Cougar's temple, helping relieve a little of the ache he caused in Cougar's skull. "As a gay-ish man, cocks are all I think about. Shall I describe my dreams to you, Roque? The oceans of cocks swaying in time with bad Lady Gaga music?"

Cougar ignores the laugher bubbling up from his chest as Roque makes a pained noise. Jensen's smile grows and his thumbs keep rubbing away the pain and making Cougar reconsider killing Jensen.

"Clay," Roque says helplessly.

"You went there, Captain, now deal with the results like a man."

"So I think I just outed myself to the team," Jensen says quietly while Clay and Pooch argue over who won the betting pool.

"You did."

"So do you wanna maybe... date me or something?"

"No. You are a terrible kisser." Cougar say leaning into Jensen's hand.

"I'll buy you a chocolate bar." Jensen promises in a sing-song voice.

"No, you will buy me many chocolate bars."

\------

Nothing goes into their mission reports about awkward kisses, kinky commandos, or oceans of cocks when they get back. Clay makes sure of it. After everyone debriefs, they give a sigh of relief at the week of leave they're granted before heading back to their lockers to grab their stuff so they can get as far away from base as they possibly can.

Jensen and Roque spend the walk roughhousing, gently, so as not to pull Roque's stitches. The other Losers watch with bemused expressions as Jensen deftly evades the larger man. 

For a moment, Cougar is left wondering if anything actually changed. Maybe that terrible and sour kiss only happened because Jensen was pumped full of painkillers. Perhaps he doesn't even remember. 

Cougar doesn't have time to think too hard on it though, as Jensen quickly jogs over to take shelter behind him. Roque soon looms over them both with a scowl and a knife pointed at Jensen, far too loosely held for it to be a real threat.

Cougar sighs; his team makes him feel normal sometimes.

"You do realize that it's not a good idea to take cover behind something that's smaller than you are, right?" Roque drawls, arching his scarred eyebrow.

"Whatever, Cougar will fuck you up if you try anything," Jensen says cheekily. "Otherwise I'd be hurt and in no mood for make out times later."

Cougar turns to look at Jensen, who smiles.

Roque snorts in exaggerated disgust. "I'm so scared."

Cougar fixes him with a look, because makeouts are on the table and Roque needs to know what will happens if Cougar doesn't get them.

Roque rolls his eyes, but lowers the knife and walks away. "Whatever, man, you're not worth the trouble, Jensen."

Cougar disagrees, but keeps it to himself.

\------

Jennifer and Beth are waiting in their apartment when they get back. Beth quickly runs over for hugs and confirmations that both are okay, while Jennifer continues to stir a pot on the stove. The whole apartment smells of oregano, garlic, and tomatoes. 

After a moment, her eyes narrow and she smirks.

"Grab your coat, sweetie, those two need to get some sleep," Jennifer calls, tapping the spoon against the side of the pot and turning off the stove. She turns to both of them with grin. "We'll leave them the food and come by when they're better rested."

Jensen's eyes go wide and he looks everywhere but his sister and Jennifer's grin gets bigger.

"Thought so," she chirps as she watches Beth head to the living room to grab her coat. "Didn't you say Cougar had a head injury?" she says quietly, cognizant of her daughter down the hall. "Make sure you boys don't do anything too strenuous that might make it worse."

"You're the devil," Jensen hisses.

"And he needs time to heal before you break any headboards."

"Oh my God, can you just go," Jensen says in a strangled voice.

"So you and Cougar can do gay things?"

"Yes." Jensen glares and Cougar wisely makes himself busy moving books around on the bookcase while keeping an eye out for Beth's return. "Now go, go away."

"With his injury, you might need to do all the work unti-"

Jensen clamps his hand over his sister's mouth with a pained sound. "I love you so much Jennifer, even though you're a fucking psycho. But I'm telling you right now, if you don't stop talking, I'm going to find the tallest building and jump off it," Jensen hisses, "and I'll leave Beth a note that says it's all your fault."

Jennifer says something that comes out garbled and Jensen nods and removes his hands.

"Glad we understand each other." 

Jennifer keeps smirking until Beth comes back with her coat and art supplies. Before the door closes behind them, Jennifer winks and gives them both a cheeky smile.

"I hate her," Jensen says sadly as he locks the door.

Cougar nods in commiseration and pats his shoulder, not bothering to correct him.

"So…" Jensen says with a forced casual tone, "wanna do gay stuff?" 

There's anxiety, fear, and a hundred other things, but Cougar hears the hope loudest of all.

So he smiles and reaches up to pull Jensen's face down by his chin. 

Their second kiss isn't nearly as bad as their first one. 

\------

Cougar doesn't get pushed around. He may be on the smaller side compared to his team, but people don't manhandle him. Not unless they have a death wish.

So there's a strange thrill to being pushed back and pressed down into a bed by Jensen. A thrill of having his legs wrapped around the other man. An even stranger feeling in his chest as one of Jensen's large hands carefully cradles the back of his head, making sure his head is lowered gently so as not to aggravate his wound.

For a while, there's nothing but the feeling of Jensen's lips on his, stubble catching on his own, a heavy body between his legs, and hands laced with his own pressing his own hands firmly above his head. When Jensen pulls away from his lips, he somehow manages to look strangely nervous despite having Cougar trapped beneath him.

"So. Yeah. Wow. That beats the Xbox. By a lot."

Cougar just smirks and watches the red rise in Jensen's cheeks.

"We should have done this a while ago. We could maybe just quit our jobs and do this all the time."

Cougar chuckles and strains his neck up to kiss Jensen's neck.

"You're right. We both like our jobs way too much to quit," Jensen says in between soft gasps as Cougar applies his teeth and tongue to Jensen's neck.

Cougar lays back down and smiles up at Jensen. "We can always find an empty room on base."

"Clay would kill us." 

Cougar smiles challengingly. "Chicken."

"Oh hell, yes. Call me Corporal Cluckers and use my unborn children to make omelets, 'cause I'm a chicken." Jensen's smile loses some of its joy. "Seriously though, what do we do at work? I don't want to lose this job. I don't want to lose the guys."

Cougar cranes his neck up and kisses Jensen's forehead. "We stay as we were on base. And on mission, the mission will come first."

"Right." Jensen nods. "Right. I can do that. I totally did that. Did you see me being all professional when you were locked up? 'Cause that wasn't easy, but I did it."

Cougar kisses Jensen's neck. "It was hard not to think of you, too," he admits.

"So do we have to pretend around the guys? 'Cause they all totally know we aren't watching Battlestar Galactica reruns tonight. I mean, Clay gave me this weird look and started talking about some girl who gave him chlamydia before telling me to make sure we keep our weapons clean." Jensen frowns. "I don't think he meant our guns but I'm not willing to think about it."

"We don't have to pretend, just be responsible about where and when." Cougar purposefully ignores the part about Clay.

Jensen licks his lips and lowers his voice and octave. "You're really cool," Jensen says looking skittish, "you know that, right, Cougar?" 

There's something raw and desperately sincere in Jensen's words that makes them feel more like a declaration of something serious than an character observation. Cougar's experience tells him it's something Jensen probably isn't aware he's doing. It's also something the other man probably couldn't handle if Cougar pointed it out to him.

So Cougar presses up to kiss Jensen chastely on his lips, keeping his eyes open. Cougar isn't surprised to see Jensen's are fixed firmly on his the whole time. 

It's his own declaration, and Cougar will do it again and again until Jensen is ready to see it, until Jensen understands.

Cougar pulls away and smiles at Jensen, rubbing his cheek against the other man's. Their stubble scratches and drags, coaxing a burn and a soft sigh out of Jensen. His hands slip from Cougar's and move down so his thumbs stroke across Cougar's pulse points. Cougar shifts and Jensen's hands wrap around his wrists to keep them where they are. 

It's a small thing, but Cougar's pulse picks up at this action, and he hears himself make a soft noise.

Jensen stills and his hands loosen quickly, pulled away from Cougar's wrists like they might burn him.

"Hey, hey," Cougar soothes gently. "Ese era un sonido de los buenos. Good sound," he promises.

Jensen's eyes search Cougar, flicking over his face and body, using the same focus normally reserved for watches the jumble of letters, numbers, and symbols on his computer. Cougar hides nothing from Jensen, staying loose and sprawled back as Jensen searches him for whatever he's looking for. When Jensen starts to look more and more confused, Cougar takes pity.

"I liked it," Cougar repeats, canting his hips and drawing Jensen's attention to the proof of his words. 

Jensen slowly moves his hands back to Cougar, sliding them up his arms, gently, to where they were on his wrists. Cougar makes an approving sound that prompts Jensen to smile back hesitantly. Cougar presses his arms up lightly against Jensen's, who yields.

Cougar shakes his head and says softly, injecting some honey into his words, "Está bien. You are just holding me here. I like it here." It seems to have the desired effect as Jensen's face flushes and some of the tension flees his body.

Jensen, still too quiet, bites his lip and returns light pressure to the wrists under his hands. Cougar presses up lightly again, and this time Jensen doesn't move, just stays where he is, thumb moving over Cougar's pulse point in a gentle rhythm. 

Cougar presses a kiss to Jensen's cheek as Jensen watches their hands.

"Todo está bien. I could get out of this if I wanted to," Cougar reminds Jensen before pressing another kiss to his lips. "And you would let me go long before that was necessary."

"This," Jensen licks his lips nervously, "this is okay?"

"Sí."

"Is this gonna be... you know…"

"No," Cougar assures him, knowing immediately what Jensen is thinking. "You would not eat the same thing at every meal, would you?"

Jensen shakes his head, still looking lost.

"So why would this be any different?"

Jensen stills above him before collapsing down, face tucking into Cougar's neck. "We're gonna have sex, aren't we?" he mumbles into Cougar's hair.

"Only if you want to," Cougar promises. "We go as far as you like."

Jensen hums a vague sound and pushes back up to look down at Cougar. "I did some reading. On dude sex. And I asked Roque, who got really mad and asked what lies Clay told me." Jensen frowns. "And then he threatened to send me to a nunnery. Weird guy, our Roque."

"And?"

"Well, first of all, men can't be nuns. But about the butt stuff, it sounds fun. Kinda weird," Jensen says honestly, "but I still wanna try it." Jensen licks his lips and his eyes dart up to their hands. "But... I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with anything kinkier than this," Jensen squeezes lightly at Cougar's wrists, "and what you said is kinda making me think you might want that."

Cougar laughs. "Are you worried I have whips and leather like Jolene?"

"No, maybe not that, but," Jensen shrugs, but his eyes are serious, "while I find the memory of you in your leather pants hot as hell, also, please feel free to just start wearing those 24/7, the idea of a whip isn't. I am in no way comfortable with pain or humiliation mixed with sex." Jensen's whole body is practically humming with tension, enough that Cougar is tempted to kiss the other man again. Sadly, he knows Jensen needs his words more than anything else right now.

"Those are not any desires of mine," Cougar promises.

Jensen stays still, before nodding slowly. "Thank fuck for that." 

"I have tried many things with past lovers. Some things I liked, some I did not care for. But I do not require any of them to be satisfied."

"That's great, and let's never talk about you having sex with other people again. Just so my head doesn't explode."

"Are you a possessive man, Jake Jensen?" Cougar asks with a wicked smirk.

"Dudes in glass houses, Cougs. I've seen you scare a captain into a fucking tree after he messed with your rifle kit."

Cougar smiles and stretches lazily, quietly preening at the way Jensen's eyes follow his movements. "So you admit that you are?"

Jensen shrugs. "I don't share well."

"Neither do I."

"I do believe you've mentioned that before." Jensen sighs, thumbs resuming slow strokes over Cougar's wrists while looking down at him. "So, I want to point out that you look super amazing with your hair down. Like, I've had a crazy amount of wood these last few weeks from noticing you walking around with your hair down."

Cougar gives Jensen a slow smile. "You like my hair?" he purrs, tilting his neck to the side and making his hair spill out behind him.

Jensen swallows heavily and nods.

"Good." Cougar arches up quickly and kisses him, startling a small noise out of Jensen. The hands on his wrists tighten, and Cougar allows a small moan to escape his lips.

Jensen finally seems to understand, breaking the kiss to grin down at Cougar. "You like this."

It's not a question, and Cougar smiles and pushes his hips towards Jensen to remind him how much he doesn't mind this.

"Sometimes, it is nice to be reminded that your partner is strong. To remind yourself you trust them."

"Wouldn't hurt you," Jensen promises him seriously despite his clouded eyes.

"I know. And I would not want you to." 

"This is really not a conversation I expected to have."

Cougar smirks. "You were the one who pinned me."

"I was, wasn't I?" Jensen grins, still managing to look embarrassed. But then Jensen grins, and looks at Cougar in a way that makes Cougar feel exposed in all the right ways. 

He feels his heart speed up at that knowledge and lick his lips, watching blue eyes follow the motion from behind crooked glasses. There is nothing predatory in those eyes, despite the hands holding Cougar's wrists, only lust and a hint of concern. 

Cougar locks eyes with Jensen and presses up, pressing his body into Jensen's and moving till Jensen's mouth falls open and his eyes only reflect lust.

"Better, yes?" Cougar hums.

Jensen laughs quietly and Cougar's wrists are transferred to one heavy hand. Jensen's other hand pushes up at his shirt on one side before tugging down his pants a few inches. Cougar bites back a sound and closes his eyes.

He groans as the hands stop pulling and Jensen's fingers brush over the newly exposed skin gently before both hands leave his body.

"Can I do something? It may be kinda weird."

Cougar opens his eyes and raises his eyebrow.

"Okay, I admit, that was probably not the best way to phrase it. But I promise, it's nothing really weird. Just…" Jensen looks away, "I… I've wanted to do it for a while," he says with a red face.

Cougar stares up and Jensen before shrugging. "I trust you," is all he says before reenforcing his words by closing his eyes again. 

Jensen's body moves away from him and there's a sound of a drawer being opened, a rustle of fabric, then a plastic-y pop. Cougar fights the temptation to open his eyes to see what Jensen has. Right now, getting Jensen to realize that when Cougar says he trusts him, he means it, is more important.

Jensen's body comes back, standing at the edge of the bed between Cougar's legs while his fingers trail again over the skin he exposed on Cougar's hip. Cougar smiles and stretches out languidly under the attention. He hears a huff of laughter from Jensen.

"You really are part cat, aren't you?"

"Meow."

There's a snort then a cold touch of something, small and damp, just above his hip. A press and a drag follow, then another and another that makes him shiver. Bitter fumes reach his nose and he doesn't bother hiding his smile when he recognizes the smell of Jensen's sharpie.

And people say he is territorial.

"Wow," Jensen rumbles quietly before Cougar feels him press a kiss right above the spot, "I'm a freak, I know. But do you wanna see?"

Cougar does, desperately, but he's a little bit too worried that if there isn't a tiny trident on his hip, he might just punch the blond man. He says nothing. Stills his body as finger keep drifting over the mark. He moves one of his own hands down to touch the skin.

"Trident?"

"Yeah." 

Cougar feels the smile on his face grow, and with no illusions about what's on his hip, he rolls his head and opens his eyes slowly to meet Jensen's.

"I'm weird, I know. Sorry," Jensen says, looking guilty as his fingers stroke over the place on Cougar's hip in a maddening rhythm. "It's just kinda hard to believe this is real. Or even an option. So I thought this," Jensen presses into the mark, "might calm me down enough not to say something stupid or run away. 'Cause koalas, you know?" Jensen looks down at Cougar face carefully neutral in a way that is alien. "Still want me?"

Cougar has a feeling that this won't be the last time Jensen will ask this. "Yes," Cougar promises as he cranes his neck up to see the black lines on his hip, tracing them with his fingers before looking back up to Jensen. "I want you."

Jensen's eyes fixate on his fingers, and then he's presses his eyes closed and diving towards Cougar to kiss him. 

Cougar pushes Jensen away gently and takes a deep breath and gives Jensen a wink. Jensen watches curiously as he sits up on the bed and starts unbuttoning his shirt. "We have a week till we need to be on base," he tells Jensen solemnly.

"Yup. Uncle Sam loves us," Jensen says as he watches Cougar's fingers, his own hands twitching at his side as he visually maps the newly exposed skin. "And right now, I love Uncle Sam."

Cougar nods and smiles, slipping off his shirt. "You know, there are other ways to put your mark on me. Perhaps those would reassure you as well."

Jensen's eyes go wild behind his lenses as he swallows heavily.

\------

They put themselves together enough to show up for dinner at Jennifer's when the increasingly sad texts from Beth as to where they are don't stop. Clearly, sweet little Beth is a double agent, because when they pull up to Jennifer's, there are four very familiar cars in the driveway and along the street.

"Jennifer's behind this, I know it."

Cougar nods and pulls at his shirt's collar self-consciously.

"If there is a banner or confetti, I say we just run for it. Beth will understand when she's older."

\------

Jolene meets them at the door with a smug look.

"Hello, boys." Jolene turns and waves a hand at her dress primly. "Do you like? I used my winnings to buy it. I do want to thank you both for choosing Central America for the location of your first kiss."

Jensen glares, pushing past her and moving into the house. "Pooch!" he bellows. "We need to talk about your life choices, and how Jolene is a bad one." 

Cougar rolls his eyes and nods politely to Jolene as they follow Jensen into the house to where Pooch and Jensen are staring at each other with arms crossed.

"Don't talk about my woman like that." 

"I think she might be crazy. There are places you can take her where she'll be looked after. Nice places, with soft walls."

"Says the man who talked her into setting Jennifer's porch on fire. And walking around town in a leather corset." Pooch shakes his head with disapproval. "And don't think I don't know about the incident with the head nurse."

"The head nurse?" Cougar asks.

"I have no idea what he's talking about," Jolene says, looking down calmly at her nails, "I'm the head nurse."

"Only ca-" Jensen stops and glares at Jolene. "Oh, nice try. See, Cougar, Pooch here is unable to comprehend that maybe his wife is a bad influence on me, not the other way around."

Jolene rubs her nails on her sweater and smiles widely.

"You know, before Jensen, my wife used to be pretty calm. Oh, yeah, she liked April's Fools day maybe a little too much, but now…" Pooch shakes his head and looks over to Cougar. "The CDC came to our house last month. I can't prove it but I know your boy was involved."

"It was all for science," Jolene insists. 

"For science," Jensen echoes holding out a fist for Jolene to bump, as soon as their fists touch Jensen and Jolene both immediately start miming an explosion. Jensen creates the sound of a blast and Jolene mimics the sounds of tiny screams, while Pooch and Cougar exchange worried looks.

"See what your boy does?"

"Are we doing science?" 

Cougar looks down to see Beth and Rowsdower looking up hopefully towards Jensen and Jolene.

"Watch the words that come out of your mouth Jake," Jennifer yells from the kitchen. There's the sound of footsteps and then she's leaning in the doorway. "I'm not afraid to…" Jennifer trails off, eye's glued to Cougar's neck and she clears her throat and suppresses a smirk, turning to Beth. "Go find Roque and Clay, sweetie, supper's almost up."

Beth nods and disappears with Rowsdower trailing after her. Cougar swallows and turns his attention to the watercolor painting on the wall in the hallway. He should have worn a scarf or turned off his phone after the first text.

"I wasn't gonna say anything, but yeah, very high school," Jolene says smugly.

"I was really hoping we could all just pretend not to see those," Pooch says sadly. "In fact, the Pooch plans to pretend he never saw this."

\------

Clay does a double-take at Cougar's neck before laughing so hard he spills his beer. 

Roque groans and tells Jensen how much he hates him.

"You love me," Jensen says with a wave of dismissal.

"You make me sick."

"Oh fuck off, Roque, don’t deny our love like that. Here I thought you wouldn't know what to do without me."

Roque crosses his arms, and scowls. "I was delirious with blood loss."

"And drunk on our deep and manly bond."

"I will cut you."

"Only to carve our initials and put the letters BFF underneath them," Jensen croons.

"I don't know what that means, but I don't fucking like it."

"It hurts me when you lie like that."

Roque shakes his head, "Why do I put up with your white ass?"

"'Cause we have a transcendent friendship built upon my discretion about certain televised puppy football themed events." Jensen squints and rubs at his chin, feigning deep thought as Roque glowers. "But if we're not-"

"Okay!" Roque growls. "For the love of God, just shut up, Jensen!"

"When Roque tells me to shut up, it's just his way of telling me he cares." Jensen tells Jolene.

"I thought as much." She says nodding.

Clay smirks. "You should get some of those friendship necklaces, Jensen."

"Clay," Roque says calmly, "if he shows up with one of those necklaces on Monday, I'm coming for you."

\------

"Sorry," Jensen says as soon as they get back to their apartment.

"For?"

Jensen makes an absent motion to his neck.

"Está bien, no hay problema."

"So you weren't feeling as creepy and awkward as I was when Jennifer had to explain hickies to Beth and they took turns mocking us?" Jensen asks skeptically.

Cougar winces.

"Thought so." Jensen sighs and moves over to press his lips gently against the side of Cougar's neck. "Do you still want me?" 

The question is whispered into his skin, and it still sounds as hopeful as the first time Jensen asked. 

"Yes," Cougar says and pulls Jensen into a chaste kiss. "If you wanted to," Cougar adds, tilting his neck to Jensen in invitation, "I would not mind."

"As much as I would like to," Jensen says with a sad smile, pressing a second kiss to his neck and making Cougar hum happily and slide off his hat, "I'm not willing to have my niece look at me like I'm a crazed vampire ever again."

\------

The pounding at their door comes a little past 0400 hours, and both of them, still too conscious Wade's freedom, are instantly awake. Cougar grabs his 629 from the bedside as Jensen grabs the Baikal from the dresser.

"He's supposed to be in South America right now," Jensen hisses, moving to take point as they make their way to the front door. Cougar doesn't bother to ask how Jensen knows this, just follows, breaking away only to check both windows while Jensen waits five paces to the left of the front door.

Cougar nudges the blinds, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, nothing there trying to keep them in. He nods to Jensen who breathes twice before moving quickly to the peephole. Jensen's whole body tenses and he stoops to place the Baikal on the floor.

"Friendly." Jensen smiles over towards Cougar. "Friendly-ish," Jensen amends, opening the door to display a haggard-looking Roque leaning on their door frame. 

"Roque! Hey, buddy, what you doing at our place at o' dark hundred and smelling like a bar?"

Roque says nothing, but his eyes move from Jensen to the coach gun to Cougar who holds his 629 loosely at his side. Cougar nods hello and Roque doesn't nod back.

"I scared you," Roque says in a voice void of emotion.

Jensen nods, unashamed as always, and reaches out slowly to put his hand on Roque's shoulder, unsurprised when Roque flinches before allowing the touch. Jensen smiles. "Wade's still running amok; who knows what that silly bastard might try next. Why don't you come on in, man."

Roque comes in and Jensen takes extra time locking the door, intentionally giving Roque his back.

One big hand moves up, catching the hem of Jensen's shirt and making Jensen still momentarily before turning to regard Roque with worried eyes.

"This place smells like sex," Roque says, making Jensen grin.

"Probably because I was hacking in my boxers. Cougar likes it when I do that,"

"Gross." Roque says, scrunching up his face in the first real sign of anything since he showed up.

"I thought so at first, too, but don't knock it till you try it. But not with us. Cougar's mine. However, Clay migh-"

"Hey," Roque cuts him off, hand balling in the fabric of Jensen's shirt, making Jensen tilt his head calmly and Cougar tense. "I'm having a bad night. Can I stay here?"

Jensen turns to Cougar, who shrugs. 

"Sure. We'll do the whole pillow fort thing, it'll be fun."

Roque nods, and releases his hand from Jensen's shirt, leaving a smear of brownish red behind. Jensen looks down at the smear and back up to Roque who keeps his gaze over Jensen's shoulders and away from his eyes.

"Hey, Cougs, remember how Roque was here with us when we were watching Dr. Who? The one where Donna was being a badass on the Planet of the Ood?"

"Yes," Cougar says without hesitation. 

Roque keeps avoiding the other man's gaze until Jensen reaches out and pokes Roque in the cheek.

"I shouldn'ta come here."

"You were right to come here, it's safe here," Jensen insists, "but I do think we're gonna need to get you in the shower."

"I didn't kill anyone," 

Jensen shrugs and grabs Roque by the arm, pulling him into the hall. "Wasn't gonna ask," Jensen says before motioning for Cougar to follow them. "Besides, if you think a man needs killing, I wouldn't argue with ya too much. Cougs, find some sweats and that big black shirt of mine for my big black friend. You," Jensen says cheerily to Roque, "get in the shower and wash that blood off. Beth picked out our couch, so you aren't allowed to get blood on it unless you're dying."

Roque lets himself be shoved into the bathroom and accepts the clothes Cougar hands him. He stares at both of them for several moments.

"You're safe," Jensen says using a voice Cougar hasn't heard before from Jensen, but it's one he recognizes on a primal level. 

You're one of mine, the voice tells them, anything that tries to hurt you has to go through me, it promises.

"You're safe." Jensen repeats the platitude but Roque seems to hear what he's really saying. 

"Safe," Roque echoes.

"Yeah, safe." Jensen smiles and Roque blinks before turning into the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

\------

Cougar helps Jensen set up his old room for Roque, putting down a clean blanket and placing Cougar's 1911 on the dresser.

"Martha Stewart's got nothing on us." Jensen says with a half hearted smile. He watches Cougar with a closed-off expression until Cougar leans in and presses a kiss into his neck.

"Do you really think I would send him away?" Cougar asks quietly. "He can stay as long as he needs."

Jensen makes a quiet sound and clings almost violently to Cougar until the sound of water down the hall stops.

\------

They all end up in the same bed. There's nothing sexual about it; instead it's comfortable and safe in a way born from too many missions spent sleeping with the team at his back. Roque lies on one side, grasping at Jensen's hand with a white knuckle grip while Jensen mirrors him on the other with Cougar lying on top of him, his head pillowed on Jensen's chest.

"He still scares me," Roque says quietly, sometime past dawn. He stiffens after his confession and his eyes dart over to Cougar.

"He probably always will." 

Cougar feels more than hears Jensen's words, rumbling under his head along with the steady beat of Jensen's heart. 

"And don't worry. You don't care, do you, Cougs?"

Cougar hums.

"See? Besides, you've seen him with chocolate. He's just as crazy as we are."

Roque doesn't say anything, instead staring at Cougar. Cougar meets and holds his gaze.

"I don't understand you two," Roque says finally, "but what you guys have, it's good. Don't fuck it up."

"You're preaching to the choir, Roque."

"I'm serious."

"He is, too," Cougar assures Roque, yawning. "Now sleep. You are with your team. You are safe."

\------

It's impulsive and incredibly stupid when Cougar thinks about it from an outside perspective. But when he passes the store where he got his first tattoo, he finds himself turning around and heading back in without a second thought.

It's less painful than the one over his heart, but it's much more disconcerting to feel the movement and vibrations against the nape of his neck. 

When it's done, he's handed a mirror as the tattoo artist holds up a second one behind him. 

He stares critically at the small patch of shaved skin bellow his hairline and the fresh ink before nodding.

"Muchas gracias."

"De nada,"the man says as he applies the cover. "¿Eres bueno con las computadoras? Tengo problemas con la mía." The man jerks a thumb towards a beat up looking laptop.

"No puedo ayudarte... Lo siento, amigo." 

"Ah, ya entiendo." The man raises an eyebrow with a knowing grin. "Tu chica."

Cougar places his hat back on his head and doesn't bother to correct the man.

\------

Jensen's fingers find the bandage within less than a day despite Cougar's best efforts. Cougar does his best to keep Jensen's hands away from his hair and neck, but he isn't prepared for Jensen to brush his hand through his loose hair on his way to get more coffee when they're alone in the office. Jensen's fingers slide curiously over the bandage and Cougar's body goes too tense, drawing Jensen's attention like a beacon.

Cougar bats the hand away and glares, hoping to dissuade Jensen, but Jensen is having none of it, doing his best to see what's wrong.

Doing his best to reach Cougar's neck, Jensen says, "Seriously, what happened? Are you okay?"

Cougar purses his lips and shoves Jensen back. "Jensen, stop."

Jensen freezes, lowering his arms before moving back two steps, carefully giving Cougar space. Cougar feels almost as bad as Jensen looks.

"Sorry," Jensen says quietly.

"Not mad," he soothes. "But this," Cougar points to his neck, "needs to heal, yes?"

Cougar sighs at the still worried expression on Jensen's face and motions for Jensen to move closer and leans forward, pulling his hair to the side to reveal the bandage. Jensen moves forward, not touching the bandage, just looking.

"How'd you get hurt?"

"Not hurt," Cougar says, leaning back to look up at Jensen from his chair. "Un tatuaje."

"A tattoo? You got another tattoo? When?" 

"Today."

"You didn't tell me," Jensen pouts, eyes straying to Cougar's neck.

"I didn't know I wanted it until I got it." Cougar shrugs. "I wasn't planning on telling anyone."

"Oh. It's a secret?" 

"Sí."

Jensen blinks and breaks out in a big smile. "Nifty. When can I see?"

"Not till it's healed."

"You know, I could help you take care of it. I have experience and it'd be easier to have a second pair of hands, considering where it is."

Cougar shakes his head.

"No dice?" Jensen asks sadly.

"No dice," Cougar agrees.

\------

Jensen spends the next two weeks mostly keeping his hands away from the bandage. 

There are accidents, moments where Jensen is too tired, too excited, or just out of habit tries to tangle his fingers there. But each time it happens, Jensen stops and moves his hands away, no matter what he's doing, and on some occasions, what Cougar's doing to him. 

Cougar takes care to make sure the tattoo is healed on the outside and underneath before even considering showing it to Jensen. 

When he's ready, he digs out a hair tie, something he hasn't used in weeks, and pulls his hair into a knot, high on his head, before walking out into their living room.

Jensen is camped out on the sofa with Clay's laptop on his chest and the TV on. Jensen looks up and gives Cougar a brief smile before returning to his screen as his fingers jab angrily at the keys. Cougar takes a seat on the floor in front of him, turning his attention to the TV and waits.

"Fucking Clay is all, 'there's something wrong with my computer', well, no fucking shit," Jensen grouses. "I'm pretty sure this model came out when I was still in college, and he uses Norton." 

"Can you fix it?"

"Yeah, but, I'm wondering if it might be kinder to take it to the range and let you put it out o-" Jensen trails off and the key pounding stops. "Oh. Oh. Is that…?"

Cougar suppresses his smirk. "Your trident? Yes."

"It's healed?" Jensen's voice is gravely and low.

Cougar nods and almost immediately feels Jensen thumb drag over the nape of his neck roughly, making the skin on his arms prickle in response.

Jensen swallows and runs his thumb over the tattoo once more, causing Cougar to shudder. He feels a puff of warm air as Jensen kisses his new tattoo. Teeth, lips, and tongue begin exploring the ink in ways that make Cougar close his eyes and bend his head forward. A pinch of teeth is followed by a soothing kiss that draws a whimper from his throat.

"So can I do sexy stuff with you, or do I need to throw Clay's laptop at our new TV and run away?" 

"You like it?"

"Yeah. I like it." Jensen's voice cracks. 

Cougar grabs Jensen's hand from behind his head and brings the scarred palm up to kiss. "Now, we match."

"We match?"

Cougar runs a finger over the scar on Jensen's palm. "This is mine. My mark on you." He smiles slowly, tracing over the mark. Like its wearer, it is hidden in plain sight, where everyone can see, but only very few will notice. 

"This," Cougar turns to the left and twists to show his own mark, "is yours. Your mark on me." Cougar watches Jensen's Adam's apple bob.

"Yeah, so, I want you," Jensen says in a low voice. "Like, I really, really want you. I want to do things to you that were illegal before Lawrence v. Texas."

Cougar snorts and shakes his head and grabs Jensen's hand as he moves to the bedroom. "Idiota."

**Author's Note:**

> Was previously posted, then taken down. Now it's back up. Beware the errors and typos, I suspect the files I found on my old hard drive are the pre-beta versions.  
Please don't steal any of my silly stories and change some names around and then try to sell them as books on Amazon or I'm gonna have to take everything down again.


End file.
